Drawer7Part2.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Buddy Baron
15 OCT 1990

CROTCH SNIFFING DOGS.............

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BOOKS
BUDDY BARON
15 OCT 1990
PEOPLE WHO COME TO A FULL STOP BEFORE CHANGING
LANES............

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BOOKS
BUDDY BARON
15 OCT 1990
SUBSCRIPTION CARDS IN MAGAZINES.........

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BOOKS
BUDDY BARON
15/10/1990

PARENTS WHO IGNORE THEIR KIDS SETTING FIRE TO THE
RESTAURANT.

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BOOKS
BUDDY BARON
15 OCT 1990
DENTISTS WHO MAKE SMOKE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
................

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BOOKS
CURRENT COMEDY
24 JUL 1989

I'M EXCITED- I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL, IT WENT SO
WELL, I MAY READ ANOTHER ONE.

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Books
Orben's Current Comedy
23/JAN/1985

I'm always impressed by the books people say they would like to have
along if they're shipwrecked on a desert island. It's always something
heavy like the Complete Works of Shakespeare or the Encyclopedia
Brittanica. Personally, I'd lean to something more practical, like "101
WAYS TO COOK SAND" or "THE SENSUOUS COCONUT."

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BOOKS - JOYS OF AGING
Mel Golob
6/JUN/1983

THE JOYS OF AGING AND HOW TO AVOID THEM," it's the one with
the wrinkled cover.

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BOOKS
ORBENS CURRENT COMEDY
19/OCT/1982

You never can tell what will make a best-seller. For instance, one of the
best-selling books in America today is a manual on how to build ship
models in bottles -- and it's all because of the opening sentence: First,
empty a fifth of Jack Daniels.

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BOOKS
ORBEN
3/MAR/1982

Do you realize that if Elizabeth Barrett Browning were alive today, she'd
be writing her poems to the Internal Revenue Service?  "How do I owe
thee - let me count the ways."

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BOOKS
Justin Antonow
14 APR 1982

Now that Senator Warner and Liz Taylor are separated, his kids are
writing a book about her - "Mommie Fattest."

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BOOKS (Magazines)
4 Nov 1981
Orben
There's a new magazine for all the people who can't afford 17%
mortgages. It's called BETTER CAVES AND GARDENS.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gags
DEC/1981

THE JOYS OF AGING & HOW TO AVOID THEM is the first book (my
5th) that is long enough that you can't finish reading while standing in
line for me to autograph it.

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Books
Orben
16/Sep/1981

They've moved the books on how to get rich in real estate from the
BUSINESS to the HUMOR section.

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BOOKS
Orben
16 SEPT 1981

They've moved the books on how to get rich in real estate from the
BUSINESS to the HUMOR section.

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BOOKS
Orben
03/SEP/1981

I'm a little concerned about our local bookstore devoting their entire
window to one book -- THE JOY OF SEX -- it's a BACK-TO-SCHOOL
SALE.

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Books
Phyllis Gag
MAR/1981

(Talk Show) There are all these JOY OF books.  THE JOY OF
COOKING - THE JOY OF SEX - how about books on PAIN.  THE PAIN
OF COOKING - THE PAIN OF SEX - THE PAIN OF MOTHERHOOD.

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BOOKS
Gene Perret
19 May 1979

I got this injury in bed.  If any of you own a copy of THE JOY OF SEX,
position 43 has a misprint in it.

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BOOKS: BIBLE
Comedy/Update
MAR 1979

"The Bible is against drugs." "What makes you say that?" "Look what
happened to Goliath when he got stoned."

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BOOK TITLE
Phyllis Gags
NOV 1977

COOK
BOOK TITLE:  HARD CORE PORN.

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BOOKS: ROOTS
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978

Sorry I'm late, but I saw Alex Haley and asked him how his family was.

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BOOKS: AUTOBIOGRAPHIES
Orben Gag
9/MAR/1978

The trouble with writing an autobiography is --- you never know how it's
going to end.

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BOOKS
PD Gags
MAY/1979

TITLE: "A Small Hall"

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BOOKS
Lydia Olson
JUL/1977

300 Ways to Dress a Turkey by Oleg Cassini.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976

The plot thins......

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BOOKS: PSYCHOLOGY
Orben Gags
APR/1976

(Fighter name) wrote a book called: I'M OK ____ YOU'RE KO.

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BOOK TITLE
Lydia Olson
1977

300 Ways to Dress a Turkey by Oleg Cassini

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BOOK TITLES
1977

Hard Core Porn

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BOOKS
Gene Perret
17/FEB/1972

McGray Hill has just agreed to publish Clifford Irving's biography.  It's
being written by Dr. Reuben.  It's called EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE TOO BUSY TO ASK.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
17/FEB/1972

Book Title: "My Last Will & Testicle"

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BOOKS
Stephen G. Allen
21/SEP/1971

My copy of THE SENSUOUS WOMAN came with a laugh track.

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BOOKS
Robert Walton
9/SEP/1971

Plus the book, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But
Can't Remember."

Re: GIFT

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
12/MAR/1971

A bookstore received this request by mail: "Please send me the name of
a book on hygiene.  I'm afraid I have it."

- DETOURS

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BOOKS
Gene Perret
Date Unknown

Doctors have a new book out now about transplants ... It's called WHO'S
WHO IN WHOM.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
8/JUN/1970

Pros with Prose.

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BOOKS
Tom Decker
22/APR/1970

Fanny Hill's based on an idea taken from an inscription on the men's
room wall in a Greyhound bus terminal.

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Books
Barrie Payne
12/SEP/1969

I'm writing a book about Fang's mother and sister and Him.  It's called
"Winken, Blinken, and Stinken".

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Books
Barrie Payne
12/SEP/1969

Answers to planted questions from whomever... What do you mean
have I done any writing? Haven't you read my book on art: How to Tell a
Picasso From a Basso or a Lasso?  Or my book on soap opera: As the
World Squirms? Or my

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Books
Barrie Payne
12/SEP/1969

-2-

Or my piece in Playboy: Sex and Other Passing Fads? And what about
my plays? Don't tell me you've missed my Thoroughly Modern Melee or
My Roof On a Hot Tin Cat!

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BOOKS
Leona W. Toppel
29/JUL/1969

I'm going to write a novel and I know that it's going to be a best-seller
because I'm calling it "Portnoy's Machine".

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BOOKS
Barrie Payne
14/MAY/1969
My latest book is How to Gift Wrap a Live Octopus.

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BOOKS
Mary McBride
15/JAN/1969

Moby Dick is writing a book -- "SEX AND THE DOUBLE GIRL"

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BOOKS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
I just read a wonderful book --- "Sailing For Fun and Profit" by Jackie
Kennedy.

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Books
24 JAN 1969
Larry Billman

I have a new cook book out.  It's called "FIVE HUNDRED WAYS TO
SERVE FRIED CHEESE" or "THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY."

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
31 March 1966
Morocco-bound paper backs.

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BOOKS
Larry Billman
31/JUL/1968
They're finally making a movie out of my book "Housekeeping Hints."
They asked Liz Taylor to play me in it, but she's tired of glamourous
roles! So they got Tiny Tim.

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BOOKS
2 JUN 1964
Mary Agnes Liddell

Exodus....

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BOOKS
Orben Gag
19/MAY/1967
If Virginia Woolf is the way people carry on in colleges, America is
gonna have a brand new problem - drop ins!

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BOOKS
Mary Agnes Liddell
7 Nov 1963
If I ever find a clean sheet of paper ... I'm going to write a book.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
Everybody and his brother is writing a book ... I don't mind him writing a
book ... but his brother.

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BOOKS
R.E. Connell
25/OCT/1963
"Be a Buddy To Your Husband -- Raise a Moustache."

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
CHAPTERS OF BOOK - Cars I have driven - Airplanes I have flown -
Dogs I have known - Addresses I have had - Hotels I have lived in -
Schools I have gone to - Clubs I have worked - Dressing rooms in
Gneral.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
Old Man and the Sea.

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BOOKS
Ray Rieves
17/MAR/1967
My kid isn't too smart. He thinks a "Farewell to Arms" was written by
Venus DiMilo.

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BOOKS
Orben Gag
02/AUG/1967
Did you hear about the paperback bookstore with a sign in the window:
DIRTY SPOKEN HERE?

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
Room at the Top.

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BOOKS
John Quakeinbush
9/FEB/1965
I just finished reading a paperback novel - "I married a Gorilla," by Tobo
Jobo - I was shocked by this daring disclosure until halfway thru the last
chapter I discovered Tobo Jobo was another gorilla.

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BOOKS
Sonja Jory
9/JAN/1965
I'm reading a new book, Bedtime stories by Frank Sinatra.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
Unknown

A book entitled: The First Ten Years of Our Marriage—OR WORLD
WAR III.

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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
July 1964
He's hung up on Greek literature -- he keeps bringing me Golden Fleece
-- I said -- mink -- you idiot -- mink.

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Books
Phyllis Gag
June 1964

I will now read my book --- ALOUD.

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Books
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
16/Feb./1965

I'm publishing a cook book entitled, "DON'T BAKE IT - FAKE IT."

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Books
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

I was having a similar trance the day I wrote A Tale of Two Cities.

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Books
Phyllis Gag
November/1964

"HOW TO GET THE BREAKS". Step in front of a Greyhound Bus.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Bill Daley
20/JUL/1965
I always read a little in bed. James Bond stories. In this one I'm reading
now - he's being hunted down by his enemies. He's bleeding, his clothes
are in rags, one arm is broken and he has to crawl up 50 steps to safety.
Just like Fang coming home from his bowling blanket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

The most commercial beatnik - sold his life story to: How I Worked Up
From Cabin Boy to President in 14 East Shinnanegans - or - Will Quiting
Ever Become Popular Again?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Charles W. Parker
12/APR/1967
I've written a new cook book called What To Do With Left-overs. It's in
all the second hand bookstores.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Phyllis Gags
4/May/1967

Title of Book... "To Your Secret Dreams."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
Charles W. Parker
12/APR/1967

She's been on the best seller list for sixteen weeks. Not her book -- her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Dorothy Reynolds
19/JUL/1967

Fang is writing my life story -- He is calling it "From Nags to Riches."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Robert M. Strozier Jr.
1/Aug/1967

I just bought a cheap Pocket Dictionary. The only word in it is Pocket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Charles W. Parker
1/JUN/1965
I'm reading a marvelous new book - What To Do In Case of Home
Cooking.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
National Laugh Enterprises
8/JUL/1964

He's writing a new book: The naked and the bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
Marge Little
16/JUL/1964

So I resumed work on my autobiography: "I was a GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING Dropout."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Charles W. Parker
31/Dec/1964

Fang bought a book on How to Make Money In Your Spare Time. Now
he says the fellow who wrote the ad should have written the book.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Frank Knight
4/Aug/1964

Another idea for use where you unfold your pet theories... possibly in a
book.. a record... "Phyllisophically Speaking."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
P. K. Stein
31/Dec/1964

Fang woke up screaming last night. He had read a horror novel I had
written, before going to bed. It was called, "My Favorite Recipes."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Larry DiGirolamo
24/Oct/1963

One chapter in my golf book is titled "How to Address the Ball" -- or
Destination Unknown.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Mary McBride
26/Oct/1963

Fang's writing a book -- "A Complete Guide to Unemployment."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Mary McBride
26/Oct/1963

The book is all about Fang. You've heard of "What makes Sammy Run."
This is "What Makes Fang Sit."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Dick Schweitzer
31/Oct/1963

I just finished a new book entitled, "Worming your puppy can be fun."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Shirlee C. Kurtz
11/Nov/1963

If I ever wrote a book about all my love affairs, they'd probably label it
"science fiction."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Mary McBride
01/Nov/1963

Fang's writing a book now -- "I Was a Nursery School Drop-Out."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Dick Schweitzer
31/Oct/1963

Our love affair had a story-book ending -- he got fresh so I hit him with a
copy of "Peyton Place."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Mary Agnes Liddell
07/Nov/1963

I've decided on a new title for my book. The Most Unforgetable
Character I've Ever Met - Me! - Or "What To Do With Your Eyes While
Listening To Radio."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
John K. Young
10/Apr/1964

Cassius Clay (Anybody) is writing a great love story: his autobiography.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Mrs. Shirley Nelesen
02/Jun/1964

I've written a book on motherhood; Entitled - "Why Mother Guppies Eat
Their Young."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Leon Marshall
13/Jun/1964

I'm writing my life story. I'm calling it "My Face Is My Fortune or It's No
Disgrace To Be Poor."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
R.L. PARKER
02 JUN 1964

I'm writing a book about loaning money to friends, titled "How to Lose
Interest."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Bill Daley
10 Jan 1968
You might have heard about Fang's diary being published.  It starts off
"Run Spot Run."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gags
1/APR/1968
She thinks "The Prophet" was written by a broker.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BOOKS
PHYLLIS GAG
11 NOV 1963

I'VE FINISHED MY BOOK...I WROTE THE LAST PAGE-FIRST!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Phyllis Gag
12/Nov/1963

A book entitled: "WHY JACK PAAR NEVER CALLED ME "PAAL."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
Oct 1964
I belong to the Bookie of the Month Club.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Books: Culture Bit
Phyllis Gag
OCT 1964
I would like to give you some suggested readings: There is a great new
book out entitled - Getting Along With People by Maria Callas.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
Oct 1964
I am an authoress - I have a best seller - out it was made into a movie.  I
wrote Marjorie Morningsickness - and that was a sequel to my other
best seller NOT WITH A STRANGER - which followed by other book -
FROM HERE TO MATERNITY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
Oct/1964
My third book at this very moment is going into it's sixth printing - if I
could print better - I wouldn't have to do it over.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
Oct/1964
I wish you'd watch for it when it comes out under the title PASSION
POWER GREED AND FURY - it's a cook book.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
Culture Bit
Oct/1964
But I see it as a movie - because the cook book field is so crowded - just
last week out of the darkest heart of Africa came a book entitled HOW
TO SERVE YOUR FELLOW MEN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
Oct 1964
All the competition in the book writing field is tough - there's James
Jones' latest novel SOME CAME RUNNING - it's a book about noses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
The smallest book in the world -- the Polish Who's Who.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
July 1964
The treasury - Two sets of books -- His and Hers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
PHYLLIS GAG
JUL/1964
BOOK -- HOW TO GET AHEAD IN SHOW BIZ --
and it applies to everything else -- Writing it to simplify my life -- I no
longer can take the time to take time to explain it to people individually --
with tinker toys and chart talks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
RECORD -- BOOK (Transportation -bareback - horse and buggy - plane
with wicker seats - sheep - rocket - electric car - steamer to Niagara
Falls - barrel over the Falls - ski lift - hay lift - sports car - convertible -
limousine - chartered one engine plane - trains - inter-

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Books
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
-2-

urbans - street cars - Cable car - Ferry boat - canoe - row boat - bike -
skooter - skooter bike - walking - 1-2-3-4 engine plane - jets - 2 jets -
four jets - home made sled - with bunting - sled - roller skates - motor
boat - sail boat - wagon - hot rod (Pete).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP 1964
I got a reading lamp for Christmas - so now I have to buy a book.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
A doctor has written a book - says Lincoln had a fractured skull -- I have
a kid who keeps banging his head against a brick wall - he wants to be
president.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
In Hidden Persuaders by Vance Packard - In supermarket - a woman
takes a box off the shelf - and it talks to her (a tape she runs her hand
over) (Then she talks to boxes -- all of them.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I asked the editor if he'd read my last book - he said: I hope so.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
NAME OF BOOK -- "There are 77 ways to skin a cat."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
3rd book - 6th printing - Passion etc. -- cook book - rewrite -- food and
drug people - visit in kitchen.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
"Things NotTo Do" - or YOU BETTER SHOULDN'T DO THAT (chapt).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
AA goes from BB to CC (An American goes from Bare Bulb to Crystal
Chandelier) NAME OF BOOK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Bought a copy of Pilgrim's Progress and a hot coal --.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Uncle Cabin's Tom - the story of a man and his cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
A one volume poet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
11/JUL/1967
New methods of teaching reading don't work. Have you seen some of
the new college textbooks? GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE
BEARS?...Reading time: 14 hours?..

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
My husband is writing a book entitled: LOVE IS BLIND. It's dedicated to
me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I'll never forget the time a pipe broke in the basement - I wrote a book
about it - it's called "Victory at Sea".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
There are great new books coming on the market every day too. James
Jones' new novel, "Some Came Running"- it's a book about noses. I'd
read it but I can't lift it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
"The Great Lie" instead of the title "The Great Prevaricator" (that is a
prevarication).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Guideposts - I'm going to put one in each room called BED POSTS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
The rape of the rock - by a Swiss Diamond cutter fog bound in
Hollywood.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
I read this wonderful book called: "SUCCESS IS WITHIN" and I became
rich overnight - Grandfather died and left me 4 million.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
New Book - Corruption, Lust, Greed and Murder - the story of a typical
New England town.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
New book on dieting - The Power of Positive Shrinking.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
I must tell you about a new book - highly recommended reading. It will
be on the market next week - a book entitled - GETTING ALONG WITH
PEOPLE - by Maria Callas.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Read the book You Are What You Eat and immediately stopped eating
nuts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Read his book - Television is chewing gum for the eyes - or - come back
- Little Heebie Jeebies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
"Why I Went Back" by Douglas MacArthur -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
If I don't make Book of the Month - I'm going to form a new month.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BOOKS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
My book's a best seller - Hemingway threw it in his cellar - Pearl Buck
threw it in her cellar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

My book "Marjorie Morning Sickness."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Book (Beauty is a Habit) (Beauty is no Accident).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

The Fall of the House of Usherette.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Phyllis Gag
Feb/1965

Benjamin Thomas or was it Franklin Lincoln - anyway, they wrote "How
to Succeed".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

You've all heard of dry rot - but have you read his book Bad Day at Wet
Rot?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Orben Gag
12/Apr/1967

I was reading that book MY SECRET LIFE and I was really surprised at
what the author did on Page 872. Nothing!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Orben Gag
2/Aug/1967

I was just reading that new best-seller: IS AIR-CONDITIONING MAKING
AMERICAN WOMEN FRIGID?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Orben Gag
2/Aug/1967

Another book was called "NO BED OF MY OWN!" Sounds good, huh?
Goldilocks and the Three Bears!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Books
Orben Gag
2/Aug/1967

I don't wanna put down the publishing industry, but they are getting kind
of sneaky. I just bought a book "SHE LOST IT AT THE PALACE".
Guess what it was? Cinderella!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Brokers
Phyllis Gag
22/May/1990

My Brokers -- Dewey, Cheatum & How.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BROKERS
PHYLLIS GAG
22/MAY/1990

I made a killing in the market, I shot my Broker.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Buildings
Orben's Current Comedy
23/JAN/1986
It's amazing. My grandparents lived in a tenement. My parents lived in
an partmetn house. I live in a luxury condominium. What makes it so
amazing -- its the same building.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orbens
9/JUL/1982
Let's face it, there is a lot of deception in our nation's capital.  Take a
look at the Washington Monument. Doesn't look a thing like him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Buildings
Orben
5/May/1982

I've learned one thing about apartment buildings that don't allow pets.
Roaches aren't considered pets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Buildings
Fred Wolf
Jan/1982

What makes you think this building is a firetrap? It doesn't have an
elevator - just a pole!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orben
18 Mar 1981
There's an apartment building in downtown Manhattan that is absolutely
secure -- for three reasons:  Locked doors, closed circuit television and
attack roaches.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
ORBEN GAG
APR/1978
This building is so tall, I was riding up in the elevator and as we were
going past the 103rd floor, I said, "Good Lord!" And a voice answered,
"Yes?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orben Gag
APR/1978

They're putting up one building that's so high, the elevators are by
Boeing!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orben Gag
APR/1978

Have you looked at apartments lately? All the new buildings are forty
stories high. Now you can get an apartment and a nose-bleed at the
same time!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orben Gags
SEP/1976

They're putting up one building that's so high, the elevators are by
Boeing!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Mcgee & Nerad
June 1978

The one thing I can't figure out about this place though: Why they don't
get the mirrors out of the windows and up on the ceilings where they
belong?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Mcgee & Nerad
June 1978

And don't you just love the elevators in this place? I know all the kids do.
Yesterday I got in an elevator with about a half dozen screaming third
graders. I felt like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. That's why I carry
around poison apples.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUILDINGS
Orben Gag
Apr/1978

I looked at one yesterday. It's only two miles from shopping --- straight
down!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUILDINGS
Orben Gags
July 1978

This building is so tall, I was riding up in the elevator and as we were
going past 103rd floor, I said, "Good Lord!" And a voice answered,
"Yes?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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BUILDINGS
Ed Peters
13 Dec 1988

We put our little cracker Box House up for sale and so far the only offer
we've had was from NABISCO.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Bush
Current Comedy
8/APR/1991

A PETITION IS BEING CIRCULATED URGING GEORGE BUSH TO
KEEP DAN QUAYLE AS HIS '92 RUNNIGN MATE. THE PETITION IS
BEING CIRCULATED BY THE DEMOCRATS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSH
Current Comedy
11/MAR/1991

PRESIDENT BUSH HAS APPROVED MASSIVE FOOD SHIPMENTS
TO THE SOVIET UNION. MOST OF IT IS BROCCOLI.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSH
Current Comedy
26 Feb 1990

BUSH SAYS HIS VISIT TO COLOMBIA WAS A SUCCESS. THE FACT
THAT HE'S STILL ALIVE MAKES IT A SUCCESS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSH'S
Current Comedy
12 March 1990

I THINK MILLIE THE WHITE HOUSE DOG HAS INFLUENCED
NATIONAL POLICY. WHERE ELSE DID BUSH GET THE IDEA TO
PLANT A BILLION TREES?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSH'S
Current Comedy
23/APR/1990

BUSH IS STILL BEING CRITICIZED FOR HIS BAN ON BROCCOLI.
HE'S BEING PICKETED BY A VEGETABLE RIGHTS GROUP CALLED
GREENPEAS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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PRESIDENTS: BUSH
Current Comedy
17/DEC/1990

MILLIE THE WHITE HOUSE DOG HAS BEEN SPAYED. FOR BUSH
THE HEAT'S ON AND FOR MILLIE THE HEAT'S OFF.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSH'S
Current Comedy
17 Dec 1990

BUSH SAYS THAT THE GULF CRISIS WILL NOT BE ANOTHER
VIETNAM. THIS IS GOING TO BE A POPULAR, FUN WAR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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BUSH'S
Current Comedy
17/DEC/1990

BUSH'S POPULARITY HAS PLUMMETED SO MUCH, QUAYLE MAY
DROP HIM FOR THE '92 TICKET.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSHES
Current Comedy
7 Jan 1991

BUSH SAYS THAT THE GULF CRISIS WILL NOT BE ANOTHER
VIETNAM. NO—IT'S AN EVEN WORSE LOCATION.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSH
Current Comedy
27 Aug 1990

GEORGE BUSH SAYS HE'S THE EDUCATION PRESIDENT. SO FAR,
HE ONLY SEEMS INTERESTED IN RECESS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSH'S
Current Comedy
09/OCT/1990
Nancy Reagan hired a White House Fortune teller. Will Barbara Bush
hire a lip reader?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
Current Comedy
11/SEP/1990

I've got an employee working for me who does so little she never knows
when she's finished

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
R. ORBEN
01/DEC/1988

I'VE BEEN SO BUSY, I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO KEEP UP
WITH THINGS. FOR INSTANCE, THE ONLY READING I'VE DONE IN
THE LAST SIX MONTHS IS GEORGE BUSH'S LIPS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
23/APR/1990
Here's an intetesting thought...what did the guy who owned the first fax
machine do with it?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Current Comedy
12/JUN/1989

Today I got good news and bad news. The good news—a stock I owned
spliit. The bad news is so did my broker.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
R. ORBEN
16/NOV/1987
The biggest problem any business can have is part-time workers-- in
full-time jobs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
15/MAY/1989
I know a cattle rancher who lost his ranch and moved to the city. When I
asked him to describe his apartment, he said "It's a 20th of an acre with
two head of a poodle."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
17/APR/1989
A lot of romances that begin in the workplace end up as job-related
accidents.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
25/SEP/1989
Young people starting out in business have it too easy today... I had to
fight and claw my way to the bottom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
12/FEB/1990

I bought a defective computer. It does the work of twenty civil servants.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
12/FEB/1990
I just received my first obscene fax picture.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Orben's Current Comedy
18/NOV/1986

Don't ever question the value of advertising  Do you realize that at this
very moment there are millions of Americans who believe that one of the
Ten Commandments is:  "Thou shalt not leave home without it."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS: CURRENT COMEDY
Orben
21/JUN/1984

Public relations is when you can't afford to run the air-conditioner in your
office and you tell everybody that your business is heating up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
16/MAR/1983

A consultant is a person with a mind of his own who rents it out.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Orben's Current Comedy
16 Mar 1983

Consultants are the eunuchs in the boudoir of business.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
14/DEC/1984
I go around the world in the same amount of time it would take a
committee to decide what to pack.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Orben's Current Comedy
14 DEC 1984

Intro: It has been said that many executives have within them the seeds
of greatness—and with that thought in mind, it gives me great pleasure
to introduce one of the seedies our industry has produced.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Orben"s Current Comedy
16 Dec 1983

The fastest way to succeed in business is to call the boss by his first
name—DAD.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS REAL ESTATE
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
20/MAR/1985
Real Estate ads - watch out for one that says "close to transportation."
That means a plane flies over every two minutes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS/REAL ESTATE
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
20/MAR/1985
Times have changed. My grandparents took a bath once a month. My
parents took a bath once a week. I take a bath every day. I'm in real
estate (THE MARKET).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
20/MAR/1985
I took my accountant out a policy that insures you against anything that
happens to you if you're called by the I.R.S.  Its called Mutual of
Leavenworth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
Orben's Current Comedy
20/APR/1983
I'll never forget the first company I ever worked for. This company was
so small, when I was promoted from office boy to Executive Vice
President - my duties did not change.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
01/JUN/1983
It is always interesting go read the resumes of June graduates. My son
has put together a five page resume and the most important item in it is
his pulse.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Business
PD Gag
May/1983
Of course we have a Health Plan - you get sick -you get fired.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BUSINESS
Aug/1982
L.E. Peters

Business is so bad. Even the people who don't pay are not buying.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
Comedy Today
SEPT/1979
CROWDED ROOM: This looks like the lawyer's office the day they read
the Howard Huges will.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BUSINESS
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979
An efficiency expert is someone who opens a combination flamenco
dance studio and wine stomping company.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
Orben
17/OCT/1979
An Arab just paid three billion dollars for twenty acres of downtown
Dallas and he wants it delievered.

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BUSINESS
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1979
My agent said: "Don't resent the 10% - think of it as titheing." He thinks
he's God.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1979
I have a 2 picture dear - with Photomat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUSINESS
Jack Sender
MAY 1978
I've never seen an office like his. They use the elevator for the waiting
room. By the time I got in - I had another problem - Motion sickness.

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BUSINESS
CURRENT COMEDY
7/SEP/1992
I DECIDED TO INSURE ALL THE FURNITURE IN MY OFFICE
EXCEPT THE CLOCK. NOBODY COULD STEAL THAT. MY
EMPLOYEES WATCH IT CONSTANTLY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BUMPER STICKERS
BUDDY BARON
21/AUG/1989
1) Caution: ZSA ZSA on Board"

2) If you can read this, I'm backing over your face....

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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
9/MAR/1992
THE MORNING I PICKED UP SOME UNFINISHED FURNITURE I
BOUGHT A TREE.

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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
I'M SO CLUMSY, AT LUNCH, I SPILLED CLUB SODA ON MY SUIT--
BUT I GOT IT OUT BY DABBING SOME GRAVY ON IT.

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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
I ONCE SUFFERED AMNESIA FOLLOWED BY DEEP DEPRESSION.
THE DEPRESSION BEGAN WHEN I REMEMBERED WHO I WAS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
THE ENTIRE FAMILY CRIED AT GREAT-UNCLE WILBUR'S
FUNERAL.WE HAD HIM CREMATED, AND HIS WILL WAS IN HIS
BACK POCKET.

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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
MY PSYCHIATRIST HAS AN EXPRESS COUCH FOR TEN
PROBLEMS OR LESS.

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BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
WE HAD OUR KID'S BABY SHOES BRONZED--AND HE STILL WORE
THEM OUT.

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BY THE WAY
PHYLLIS DILLER
2/JUL/1990
I brought (LOVED) the Cinderella story_____ and I'm still having trouble
with reality.

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BY THE WAY
PHYLLIS DILLER
3/JUL/1990
THE GREST THING ABOUT PALE LIPSTICK-- IF YOU GET IT ON
YOUR TEETH-- YOU DONT LOOK LIKE A 3RD GRADE TEACHER.

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BY THE WAY
PHYLLIS DILLER
03/JUL/1990

ALL THE MEN FIGHTING FOR MY AFFECTIONS ARE USING GEM
WARFARE.

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CAMPING
R.ORBEN
03/AUG/1988
In 1988,at summer camps, kids learn how to sleep in tents paddle
canoes,and cook food over an open fire -- and it's called educational. It
prepares your kids for the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

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CAMPING
R. ORBEN
03/AUG/1988

Every night they sit around a campfire and listen to ghost stories about
strange things that once ruled the earth --- adding machines, slide rules,
pencils.

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CAMPING
CURRENT COMEDY
29/MAY/1989
I'll take up camping just as soon as nuture comes up with a bush that
flushes.

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CAMPING
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
31/JUL/1984

We went camping in a very exclusive wilderness area.  Where else can
you find strips of paper saying THIS BUSH SANITIZED FOR YOUR
PROTECTION?

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CAMP
Orben's Current Comedy
18/MAY/1983

When kids leave for summer camp, it can be a highly emotional
experience.  My kid cried his eyes out when he suddenly realized he
was leaving those nearest and dearest to him in all the world - the
phone, the TV and the refrigerator.

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CAMPING
John Thiel
JUN/1981
On our last camping trip I forgot the bug spray.  It was OK, Fang brought
an axe.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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CAMPING
Cheap Laughs
14/Sep/1979

People say that campsites are losing the flavor of real outdoors. I was at
a campsite that had a microwave campfire.

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CAMPING
ORBEN GAGS
Apr/1976

I'll never forget our first camping trip. Believe me, there's nothing like the
smell of fresh hot coffe at six o'clock in the morning. The reason there
was nothing like the smell of fresh hot coffee is, we forgot matches.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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CAMPING
TOM OLSON
JUN/1978
My idea of roughing it is setting the electric blanket on two.

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CAMPING
Orben Gag
APR/1976
Got a letter from our kid at camp saying: "Everything is fine"--in blood.

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CAMPING
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Summer camp is a valuable experience because it teaches kids useful
skills. For instance, yesterday my son started a fire by rubbing two
pieces of wood together. One was a match and the other was our
house.

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Camping
Jerry Mayer
09/Oct/1964
Our neighbors down at the lake weren't the highest class people I ever
met. They were always sitting around in their undershirts drinking beer -
and their husbands were obnoxious too.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Camping
Bill Daley
20/Jun/1965
Of course I had a little bit of luck or I wouldn't have got him. He was
crossing a swamp on skis.

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CAMPING
Bill Daley
20/JUN/1965
No, Fang really did kill a bear his last hunting trip. I killed a bear once -
with a primitive weapon. My car.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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CAMPING
Bill Daley
20/JUN/1965
He'll hunt for days up there. Sitting in one spot with his rifle cradled in his
hands. I've only seen him staked out like that once before. We were
expecting my mother.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Camping
Bill Daley
27/SEP/1967

A small band of Indians visited us. They had smelled the food and
thought they had found the sacred burial ground of the buffalo. They
called me Princess Crazy Kettle.

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Camping
Bill Daley
27/SEP/1967
We went camping this summer. The very first night a bear came walking
in and gobbled up my dinner. I never saw my kids laugh so hard. Did
you ever see a bear trying to fix an Alka Seltzer?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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CAMPING
WILBER S. PIERSOL
20 JUL 1965

He went on a one week camping trip, but we were gone 6 weeks. Fang
couldn't get the fire started.

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CAMPING
Mary McBride
25 OCT 1963

We don't go camping. Fang says just look-
ing at me gives him a feeling of roughing
it.

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CAMPING
WILBER S. PIERSOL
20 JUL 1965

We went very deeply into the woods; so
deeply I don't think any human had been
there before. The birds and the bees
kept hanging around to see if I was go-
ing to tell about people.

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CAMPING
Eugene R. Perret
28 MAY 1968

Someday I'm going to take up family camp-
ing, start a fight, and watch him develop
an ulcer trying to figure out how to slam
a tent flap.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Mosquito netting for chic mosquitoes.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
NOV 1964

Spoiled the picnic - a thermos full of yogurt.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
Nov 1964
One bootful of water.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
Nov 1964
How to tell a poison oak from -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Camping
Phyllis Gag
Nov 1964
How to light fire - build fire - ingredients - bait.

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Camping
Bill Daley
20 JUN 1965
Fang likes to go camping. He only eats what he kills. Last year he nearly
starved.

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Camping
Bill Daley
20 JUN 1965
He bought a new gun, travelled a thousand miles, but he did bring back
a bear. His mother.

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Camping
Richard V. Simon
23 MAR 1967
After Fang and I left our campsite, Smokey the Bear started lighting
forest fires.

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Camping
Charles W. Parker
31 OCT 1964
One of the kids went to camp and we didn't know it til he wrote and told
us he was coming home.

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CAMPING
Mary McBride
31 DEC 1964

Fang loves being sick. He thinks of
spending time under an oxygen tent
as camping.

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Camping
Wilber S. Piersol
20/JUL/1965

I told him the camp site should be near a spring - and when I showed
him the water bubbling out of the ground, he wanted to get a plumber.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
UNK/03/1966
Camping - I'm afraid of grass, I hate it... I only went to try to lose a
couple of kids.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

He's too lazy to go hunting - so he pitched a tent in the living room -
every time I go past he shoots at me - littered with beer cans and
whiskey bottles.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
09/1964
He cooks over an open fire he built in the sofa.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
July/1964
Yosemite park - bears, etc.
Sleeping bag - pregnant.

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Camping
Mary McBride
02/Jun/1964

I like family camping, but 12 months a year for 7 years!

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CAMPING
Jean Markarian
09/JAN/1965
My family really does like to go camping though. We love the feel of all
that dirt under our feet, sleeping on the ground, eating out of cans while
fighting off the flies - It's just like home really.  Maybe a little cleaner.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Save empty gasoline tin used for soup stock later.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Continental tent with no cuffs and slash windows.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Ivy League tent with a belt in the back.

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CAMPING
Shirlee Kurtz
18/JAN/1965
On his last hunting trip, Fang got into a patch of poison oak. Every one
of those weeds died.

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CAMPING
John H. Sheehan
18/NOV/1969
Usually when you're on a picnic you spread a blanket on the ground to
protect the food from the dirt and bugs. We spread the food on a huge
sheet of rolled aluminum to protect the grass.

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Camping
Orben Gag
19/NOV/1968
Believe me, I know kids who go to a camp that's so exclusive --- they
have unlisted name-tapes!

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
Tomorrow we pack a lunch... Could we have a red and white checkered
tablecloth with ants.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Camping - they turned everything off but the mosquitoes -
Camping - burned down a barn and 2 silos.

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Camping
Jean Markarian
09/Jan/1965

This dress looks like a tent because it is a tent. I wear it when we go
camping. I stand with my arms out and it sleeps the whole family.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
One time I had a long lunch there - and a philodendron grew around me.

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Camping
Phyllis Gag
24/Oct/1964

They cut me loose.

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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Do you make your own flies? No, I have an excellent tailor in SF.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Singing my campfire songs:
Separate Stables - Ghost Writers in the Sky -- Soap Opera is Dead --
from a Detergent Opera.
They don't sob, they bubble.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CAMPING
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

Record - You wouldn't have liked Disneyland. This is a lot more fun that
Disneyland - everything there is artificial - this is real poison oak.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB - MOBY'S UNCLE
He's been around so long, when he went to see  THE TEN
COMMANDMENTS, it was a science fiction movie.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB - MOBY'S UNCLE
He was here when America had beautiful scenery and dusty roads. Now
we've got beautiful roads and dusty scenery.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT AHAB:
But he does pretty good. He still has his own teeth. I know, he keeps
leaving them at my house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
They're in a jar next to his liver.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He's got so many things wrong with him, he could give Oral Roberts full
time employment.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He can't even get up in the morning unless he gives his body two weeks
notice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
They sell dolls nowadays that do more than he does.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

CAPT. AHAB
Gene Perret
Date Unknown

He used to walk with a cane, but it died.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He doesn't dare die. All his friends are all too old to be pallbearers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He ran into an old buddy of his the other day. He shook his hand and
said, " Am I surprised to see you. I thought we were both dead."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

He's really got a beautiful body for his age. It's the third one he's had.

Re: CAPT. AHAB

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

He's always got women hanging all over him. It's not that he's attractive,
he's clumsy.

Re: CAPT. AHAB

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN CATEGORY
Gene Perret
UNKNOWN DATE
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He's had his share of women. He's got 18 children. I told you he was
clumsy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He was dating a girl 17 years old. He has sometimes coughed longer
than that.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He doesn't bother with women anymore. It takes him all day to chase a
woman anymore. It takes him all day to chase a woman who's standing
still.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

CAPT. AHAB
He hasn't had a gleam in his eye since his contact lens caught on fire.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182

He doesn't smoke, drink, or run around with women ... because he can't
breath, swallow, or move his legs.

Re: CAPT. AHAB

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Category Unknown
Gene Perret
Date Unknown
No. 182
CAPT. AHAB
He still has fun, though. He shares an apartment with two other old
gentlemen. They play some games. The 3 of them sit in a room and one
gets up and leaves. The other two stay behind and try to figure which
one left.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 7, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

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