Drawer6Part1.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
BOB MILLS
06/JUL/1993
AT CURRENT AVERAGE RATES, YOU CAN RENT A CAR FOR
ABOUT $16 A DAY, WHILE A TUXEDO FOR THE SAME AMOUNT OF
TIME COSTS $40.. WHICH EXPLAINS WHY MOST GUYS WOULD
RATHER TAKE A GIRL FOR A RIDE THAN MARRY HER...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
24/FEB/1992
A COMPANY THAT FILED FOR BANKRUPSY DISCOVERED THEY
HAD MORE VICE PRESIDENTS THAN CUSTOMERS.

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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
13/JAN/1992
I climbed a mountain and asked an old wise guru in a cave, "What is the
secret of financial success?" He said, "If I knew that, would I be sitting
up here in a cave?"

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Money
Inflation
Comedy/Update
JUN/1979
Inflation affects everybody. My psychiatrist is moonlighting. At his group
therapy sessions, he sells Tupperware.

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Money
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1979
My agent said: "don't resent the 10%, think of it as titheing_ "He thinks
he's God."

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MONEY
DETOURS
09/OCT/1979
The funeral happened to be passing by as armored truck from a bank
pulled up to an intersection.

Since he couldn't cut through the procession the driver joined it.

An onlooker, impressed by the spectacle of the truck in the center of the
funeral cortege, remarked to a friend, "What do you know!

You can take it with you!"

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Money
Orben
May/1981
I feel a little better about junk food when I realize I'm paying for it with
junk money.

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Money
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1981
Meat prices are ridiculous. I told my butcher I wanted tenderloins-He
said: "Jog in the nude."

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Money
Orben
JUN/1981
I can tell you how to save money on your vacation.  Buy $2,000 worth of
Traveler's Checks -- then don't go.

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Money
Phyllis
/Jun/1982
Many doctors believe in HOLISTIC medicine - they believe body - mind
and money are all one.

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UNKNOWN
MR. ROBERT E. DHAL
01/JUN/1965

I quit going to the doctor for my nerves. I finally discovered what was
making me nervous. His bill.

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UNKNOWN
MARY MCBRIDE
27/SEPT/1967

Do you know who is the second richest group of people in the world?
The Cristian Scientists.

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unknown
Mary McBride
27/SEP/1967
You know who's the richest group of people in the world? The doctors.

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MONEY
Orben
23 SEP 1979
I had a rather disturbing thing happen last month. I was reading the
annual report of a company I own stock in and one of the items was:
CASH FLEW---$300,000. So I wrote to the Chairman of the Board and
said, "That's CASH FLOW. Your accountant is in error." He wrote back
and said, "No, that's CASH

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
ORBEN'S
22/OCT/1973

This is no time to get sentimental but I never realized how much I owed
to my mother until last week -- when she attached my salary.

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Money
Orben
05/DEC/1979
Nowadasy, ifyou can afford the interest rate, you don't need the loan.

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MONEY
ORBEN
03/JAN/1980

I'm worried about my bank. One of my checks came back marked
INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. What kind of a bank is it that doesn't have 25
bucks?

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MONEY:CURRENT COMEDY
26/DEC/1989
The Japanese have purchased a Soviet space station.They want to go
into space so they can get a look at the entire planet and make a
reasonable offer.

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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
13 OCT 1989
In a survey of U.S. work habits: Forty percent said they work more than
40 hours a week. Twenty-one percent said they work more than 50
hours a week. And working Mothers were too busy to answer the
survey.

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MONEY
ED PETERS
13/DEC/1988

I had a fire in my Purse, my Visa overheated.

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MONEY
PD
UNKNOWN

Overnite blue chips turned to cow chips...

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MONEY:CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
WHEN YOU BUY A NEW HOME, WHY WORRY IF IT HAS TWO OR
THREE BEDROOMS? CONSIDERING A 30-YEAR-MORTGAGE AT
18%, WHO'S GONNA SLEEP?

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MONEY
R. Orben
16/AUG/1988
Mother's always have a one-track mind. When Alexander the Great told
his mom that he had conquered all of the known wold and was now ruler
of the earth,I'm firmly convinced that she said,"Is there any money in
that?"

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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
14 AUG 1989
I've given up on the idea of being rich. Right now, I'd settle for enough
money to starve comfortably.

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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
13 NOV 1989
My goal was to retire when I reached 40. I've been partly successful—I
reached 40.

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MONEY
CURRENT COMEDY
27 NOV 1989
The gym's stair climbing machine reminds me of life -- I exhaust myself
and [never] get any closer to the top.

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MONEY
R. Orben
16/NOV/1987
People wonder how the stock market could lose 500 billion dollars in
value in one day.Perhaps this will explain it:My neighbor had a mangy
little mutt he claimed was worth $10,000.This was very hard to accept.
Then one day he came over and said he had just sold this mangy little
mutt.I said, "For how much?" He said
con't

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page 2
"$10,000." I said, "In cash?" He said "No. For two $5,000 gerbils."

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MONEY
Phyllis Diller
OCT 1985
Money makes me passionate.

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MONEY
Orben's Current Comedy
05/JUN/1985
No matter how they simplify the tax code, they still ought to replace the
American Eagle emblem with a sprig of mistletoe. Because no matter
how they change it, you can still kiss your money goodbye.

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MONEY
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
5/JUN/1985

There are certain rules when it comes to investing. For instance, beware
of any company that puts out an annual report in pencil.

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Money
Orben's Current Comedy
23/May/1985
Money talks. Doctors hear it through their stethoscopes.

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MONEY
Orben's current Comedy
09 OCT 1985
Money still talks - but now it's in a foreign language.

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MONEY
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
19 JUN 1985
I never worry about my savings because it's all in a very old established
bank.  How old?  The security guard carries a spear.

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MONEY
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
31/07/1984
A lot of people worry about the security of their savings, but not me. I
know my bank is sound. It just moved into a brand new winnebago.

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MONEY
Orben's Current Comedy
28 JUN 1983
Real estate is coming back.  I just paid for a town house what, a
hundred years ago, I would have paid for the town.

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MONEY
Orben's Current Comedy
20/Apr/1983
You know those signs on supermarket doors that say you can't enter
without your shoes. But, you can leave without your shirt.

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MONEY
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
21/Jan/1983
I don't care what the optimists say about the New Year -- to me, January
will always be the month I did not have to make any payments until.....

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Money
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
05/Jan/1983
I figured it our last night. We have just 17 years before we reach 2000!
But enough about our savings account

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MONEY
Phyllis Gags
??/Jun/1983
The hardest thing Washington did - was pose for the dollar bill.

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MONEY
Gene Perret
24/Mar/1982
Her ex-husband makes 20 million dollars a month. He must be working
two jobs.

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MONEY
Gene Perret
24/Mar/1982
My hero is Sheik Dena Al-Fassi. She is asking for 3 Billion Dollars in
alimony. Boy, if I could have gotten that from my marriage, I might have
been set for life.

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MONEY
Tom Olson
14/Apr/1982
I've been around awhile. The first money I earned was in wampum.

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MONEY
Gag Bonanza
??/Jan/1982
She likes men who always lay their cards on the table -- Diner's Club,
American Express, Carte Blanche.

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MONEY
ORBEN
04/Nov/1981
Put your money where your mouth is. Lick a stamp!

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MONEY
ORBEN
04/NOV/1981
We ought to make Wall Street a theme park -- for people who like wild
rides.

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MONEY
Phyllis Gag (Joey Adams)
21/SEPT/1981
Going on vacation (ADVICE): Take half the clothes you figured on - and
twice the money.

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MONEY
ORBEN
19/08/1981
When I go to a doctor and he says, "Tell me where it hurts," -- I point to
my wallet.

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MONEY
ORBEN
??/JUN/1981
It's not that I disagree with the Democrats when they want to throw
money at every problem.  What bothers me is how many times they
miss.

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MONEY
Phyllis Gag
??/05/1981
Meat prices are ridiculous - my butcher ran a special on hamster jerky.

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MONEY
ORBEN GAGS
??/OCT/1980
A fool and his money are soon parted.  I keep hoping it's just a trial
separation.

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Money
ORBEN
??/Aug/1979
I keep having this horrilbe dream that I turn on TV and hear someone
singing:  "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz--and it's the stock market report.

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Money
Orben's
23/Sept/1979
Everything is relative.  What most people call the cost of living--Las
Vegas calls a losing streak.

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MONEY
Orben's
23/SEP/1979
It's time we did something wrong when a good funeral costs you $1500
and good operation $5000. That's a Choice!?

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Fang-MONEY
Phyllis Gag
AUG/1973
He carved my wedding ring out of a peach seed.

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MONEY: Cheap Laughs
APR/1979
They say money talks..my money has laryngitis.

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Money
PD Gags
Apr/1979
Oil-rich Arabs buy any property they want.  One wealthy Arab bought
the Taj Mahal and turned it into a tree house for his kids.  During the
summer, it's a lemonade stand.

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MONEY
Orben
19/SEP/1979

Doesn't it make you feel a little strange to go into a show room, buy a
Chrysler, and they check [[underscore]] your [[/underscore]] credit?

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MONEY
Orben
17/Oct/1979

You'd be surprised how many people drive to an office in a Mercedes to
get financial advice from people who came to work on a bus.

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MONEY
Orben
17/OCT/1979

Sign is a consultant's office: WE CHARGE $100 AN HOUR. IF YOU
WNAT BRAINS CHEAP, GO TO A BUTCHER.

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MONEY
Comedy/Update
20/JUL/1979

You can make quarters look like Susan B. Anthony dollars--put rouge
and lipstick on George Washington.

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MONEY
Orben Gags
MAY/1979

Santa Clause comes to us under many names: Kris Kringle, St.
Nicholas, Master Charge.

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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

MONEY
Phyllis Gags
NOV/1977

Q: Why do psychiatrists work in "formal" morning suits?

A: Because they can afford to!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY-Inflation
John Shea
MAY/1977

Sell your leftover spaghetti to a macrame class.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

MONEY

SEP/1976

The owner of our company has decided to retire early -- for reasons of
wealth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
6/DEC/1974

I saw a sign on a filling station: 2 GALS FOR $1!  Now I'm totally
confused. I don't know if gas has gone up or love has come down.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Phyllis Gags
APR/1976

Friend: "Did you see much poverty in Europe?"
Traveler:  "See It?  I brought a lot of it back with me?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976

Charisma is that indefinable something that a fat, ugly, dull person with
$40,000,000 has.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976
The stock market is ridiculous. I mean, in the past I've been rich, I've
been poor--- but never on the same day.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Money
Orben Gag
APR/1976

What an awful day. I wanted to get a loaf of bread and I couldn't get a
loan!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gag
APR/1976
Pennies are so scarce, yesterday I had to put a check in a fuse box.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money-Inflation
Orben Gags
APR/1976
HELP FIGHT INFLATION--BURN A FALSIE!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Many years ago people thought the world was flat. Now we know the
world is round. It's New York that's flat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Bailing out New York has cost me a fortune. I was just about to sell
Baskin-Robbins a sensational new flavor: Big Apple Crunch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976
I have just figured out why so many oil sheikhs have Cadillacs. Have
you ever tried to air-condition a camel?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Poverty is contagious. You can get it from your wife.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
JUL/1977
This doctor is a master of one aspect of medicine - open wallet surgery.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Do you realize what it would cost the United States if every American
family paid $30 for a coffee-maker? Seven trillion dollars. For that kind
of money we could just boil Lake Tahoe and drop Brazil into it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976
I paid [[strikethrough]] 13¢ [[/strikethrough]] ^[[15]] to mail a letter. The
Arabs bought the post office.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976

I had a wonderful experience last weekend. I thought I was drowning
and my entire life passed before me--only this time I bought I.B.M. in
1954.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

MONEY
Phyllis Gag
14/OCT/1969

If you can't get away for a vacation, just tip every third person you meet
and you'll get the same feeling.

The Avondale (Calif.) Sun
Submitted by M.H. Beuchat

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
APR/1976

One of those fellas who sell Christmas trees in empty lots had a serious
accident last night. He fell off his wallet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976

Me: I don't want to die broke.
Marc London: I don't want to live broke.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY - Inflation
PHYLLIS GAGS
APR/1976

INFLATION A man shopping for his wife picked out a sweater, but after
looking at it closely he asked if the salesperson could show him one
more expensive.
"No," was the reply, "but I can put this one away and you could come
back for it in a few days."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Sharon Schulte
21/DEC/1964
Our suburb is a little short of funds. I called the fire department and
nobody answered.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Inflation
Orben Gags
APR/1976
The elevators in this building go up as fast as the rent.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Some people think the two dollar bill brings bad luck.  Only when you
don't have enough of them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - Inflation
Orben Gags
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Apr/1976
The two dollar bill is coming back,
It's enough to give one fits;
We'll use it to buy all those wonderful things
That used to cost two bits!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Rich? His wallet has stretch marks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - Inflation
Orben Gags
APR/1976
It's very important to work twelve hours a day, seven days a week, and
never take any vacations. How else are you going to finance your heart
attack?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
APR/1976
You can tell that business is getting worse by little things---like
Bankruptcy Court putting up a sign saying:  TAKE A NUMBER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Inflation has made Christmas a truly religious holiday.  Everytime you
look at a price tag, you say, "Good Lord!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY - Inflation
ORBEN GAGS
Apr/1976

Inflation is so sad, I heard a golfer yell, "Five!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
John Shea
MAY/1977

She had her ears pierced free at an archery school.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
John Shea
May 1977

Ways to beat inflation: Eliminate Easter eggs by telling your kids it is
morally wrong for a rooster to fool around with a bunny.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1976

HOTELS - TIP HAPPY --- a roll of toilet paper can cost you $400 if they
bring it a sheet at a time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
4/DEC/1974

As the dollar declines, now I know why it's called Petty Cash!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben
06/DEC/1974
Rich! They have an air-conditioned Sauna.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY - Inflation
Lydia Olson
3/MAR/1978

Did you read where it costs $64,000 to raise a child from birth through
college?  And that's NAKED!  With clothes its double!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Comedy/Update
APR/1978
You've heard of keeping up with the Joneses? I'm keep up with the
Waltons!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Social Security
Orben Gag
07/MAR/1978
As I understand it, tripling the maximum Social Security deduction over
the next ten years would accomplish two things.  It would keep Social
Security from going bankrupt -- and the rest of use from going
anywhere.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Orben Gag
09/MAR/1978

The new cars? -- Look like the 1975 models had pups.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Orben Gag
09/MAR/1978

When you pay list price for a new car, the dealer toasts you with a
special drink:  A Screwed Driver.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gag
09/MAR/1978
I bought one of those books about home medicine for emergencies.  It
describes the three most dangerous bites -- snakebite, frostbite and tax
bite.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Comedy Update
09/MAR/1978

Have you priced a hospital room lately? Seventy-five bucks a day - a
hundred if you want a bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Comedy/Update
16/MAR/1978

Success is being able to pay someone to mow your lawn while you play
golf for exercise.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Orben Gag
17/MAR/1978

There is only one proven way to beat the system. Buy a custom-made
wardrobe and put it on Mastercharge, fly to Europe on Carte Blanche,
hire a Rolls Royce and chauffeur on your American Express card, eat at
Maxim's on your Diner's Club card, go to the Folies Bergere on your
BankAmericard -- and then die.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY - Inflation
Orben Gag
16/Mar/1978

I don't mind the additives in food. What gets me are the subtractives in
paychecks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money - Taxes
Orben Gag
17/MAR/1978
President Carter wants to simplify our tax forms -- particularly the
terminology. For instance, under Jimmy's proposal, "gross income" will
now be called "what y'all made."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben
09/MAR/1978
Fangs Scheme: We're going to get rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Now here's the plan: We fill up a 747 jet plan with day-old bread, fly
across the International Date Line -- and sell it fresh.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - INFLATION
Lydia Olson
28/FEB/1978
I'm on a new inflation diet: all you can eat on $4.00 a day!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY -(Inflation)
Pat Butham
21/FEB/1978
If you don't know about inflation, have you priced free love lately?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - (Inflation)
Pat Butham
21/FEB/1978
Do you realize most banks are charging 8 per cent interest? If you can
afford the interest you don't need the loan in the first place.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - (Inflation)
Pat Butham
21/FEB/1978
I guess many of us wouldn't be able to live through the present
prosperity if it wasn't for the money we saved during the depression.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Patricia Daniels. John Cantu.
21/FEB/1978
Fang thinks Abraham Lincoln invented the penny and the $5 bill.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Tonight show
02/Mar/1978
The kind of trouble New York City is in -- it couldn't even get a loan from
the Calhoun Bank of Georgia."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Cheap
Eugene R. Perret
16/Mar/1978
He said, "Would you like a table for dinner?"
I said, "I'd like a table for support."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY:Inflation
Brenda R. Callahan
25/JAN/1965

I think we should have a woman secretary of the treasury. You know,
someone who is really familiar with deficit spending.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY - (Inflation)
Martin Stone
20/JUN/1965

No wonder cows are contented - look at the price of milk.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
Edward J. Beckwith
21/JUN/1967

And then there was that rubber shortage and the price of falsies went
up. And I went down.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY: Inflation
John Shea
1977

Sell your leftover spaghetti to a macramé class.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Money: Inflation
John Shea
1977

Ways to beat inflation - she had her ears pierced free at an archery
school.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
1977

You have to be suspicious of a bank that gives you a choice of three
scenic checkbooks: The Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and
Leavenworth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
1977

Last night I read a book that brought tears to my eyes. My bank book.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Comedy Update
1977

Rich? He just bought a Winnebago with a wine cellar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Unknown
Orben Gag
23/MAY/1973

Dear Mr. Orben: I read that the Metropolitan Museum of Art just paid $1
million for a vase. Does this make sense?

Dear Sir: Only if they've got a $2 million bunch of daisies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
May/1975

We're living in unusual times. There are calculators, pocket cameras,
pocket recorders. Everything for the pocket but money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Orben
9/JUN/1972

There's one four - letter word you don't hear much anymore -- that's
CASH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967

Fear is reading the list of the Ten Richest People in America -- and your
bookkeeper is one of them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Leon Marshall
23/JUL/1964

There are two types of people in this country. Those who have new cars
and all the latest appliances, and those who pay cash.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
Gene Perret
UNKNOWN
I could be [[strikethrough]] as [[/strikethrough]] rich [[insertion]],
[[/insertion]] [[strikethrough]] as her [[/strikethrough]] with just two things
......an insurance po-licy on Fang and an alibi.
Re: [[strikethrough]] Jackie Onassis [[/strikethrough]]

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Jean Farris
31/DEC/1963

If women really dressed to please their husbands, they'd be wearing last
year clothes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Ray Rieves
7/NOV/1964

Most men don't know which is cheaper. To stay married and give kids
an allowance or to get a divorce and pay alimony.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Orben
May/1975

My stock broker moves in mysterious ways his blunders to perform.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Orben
May/1975

I know a multi-millionaire who's trying very hard to be humble. Claims he
was born in a log cabana.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Orben
JUN/1975

It's always fascinating when a millionaire goes to jail. One of them was
sentenced to six months, took a taxi down to the prison, got out and told
the driver to wait.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Carol Ann Ynsua
Oct/1975
The only way a fellow can marry for money these days is to remarry his
first wife;

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
PD
Jun/1975

Father, to daughter's suitor: "Do you have any money in the bank?"
Suitor:  "Certainly!"
Father:  "How much?"
Suitor:  "I don't know. I haven't shaken it recently."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Stephen G. Allen
15/Jul/1969

You oughta have my luck. I just got a bill from the free clinic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gags
20/JAN/1969

Misers aren't much fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.

Dawson County Advertiser and News.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
John P. Shea
1974
Ways to Beat Inflation -- tighten your belt a few notches and use the
leftover in a casserole.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
1974

Nowadays, the only way to get a good shake for your money is to buy
catsup!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
1974

Inflation is when the cost of a roof over our head, is over our head.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

MONEY: AUTOS
Orben
29/Aug/1974

I love yhe way they advertise used cars as having had only "one owner."
Most cars have only had one owner -- the bank.

cf under AUTOS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
19/SEP/1974

The problem with inflation is by the time a man can support a family, he
can't produce one.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
Orben Gag
23/MAY/1973
They say our dollar buys less than ever before. I didn't believe it until I
saw the candidates for mayor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben
4/DEC/1974
I just got back from Europe and my neighbor asked me what it was like.
I said, "I spent $5,000 in two weeks!" He said, "$5,000 in two weeks?
How did you do that?" I said, "I skipped lunches."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben
6/DEC/1974
I just bought gas for 40 cents a gallon. I haven't paid 50 cents a gallon
for anything since I bought land in Florida.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Orben
06/DEC/1974

But thanks to a 15% increase in pay, they're ablaze with enthusiasm.
They're yawning much faster.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben
6/DEC/1974
I won't say how much horsemeat in being eaten, but last night I watched
GUNSMOKE and the posse was on bicycles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
MAY/1975

But in spite of inflation, every night we sit down to a dinner that goes
from soup to nuts. We have soup and if you expect anything more,
you're nuts!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
William Daley
12/FEB/1975

Inflation is here but the best things in life are still free. Fresh air,
mountain water and college girls.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
Feb/1975

Things are so tough - my pawn broker put in an express lane.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
Feb/1975

The other day I saw a Thanksgiving recipe called HOW TO STUFF A
DRUM STICK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
Unknown
Feb/1975

The other day I saw a dollar bill with stretch marks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
FEB/1975

Inflation has put me behind the 12 ball.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
FEB/1975

The Rockefellers are wearing WIN buttons because they think it's short
for WINTHROP.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION
FEB/1975

Inflation is so bad I heard a golfer yell FIVE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

INFLATION
FEB/1975
Pennies are so scarce, yesterday I had to put a check in a fuse box.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

INFLATION
FEB/1975
You don't have to be an astronaut to experience weightlessness. Try
$5.00 worth of groceries in a shopping bag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Earl's Pearls
11/MAY/1973

Money may be a curse but you can always find someone to take the
curse off you.
Kirk Kirkpatrick
Atlanta, Ga.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
09/JUN/1972

Do you realize if postage gets any higher, it's gonna be cheaper to go
yourself.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
09/JUN/1972

Isn't it frightening the way the value of the dollar is dropping? First it was
Monopoly that gave you play money. Now it's the government.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Marc London
29/MAR/1965

It's not his fault that he's lazy. Fang comes from well to do parents and
they spoiled him. Even today they still give him an allowance, but how
far can a family of 7 go on 50 cents a week. He had an inheritance, but
the poor man was a victim.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
R.L. Parker
10/MAR/1967

He started out on a shoe string. The first year he lost $18.00 but the
next year he expanded to where he lost $10,000.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gags
11/APR/1967

We've finally figured out what doctors scribble on those prescriptions to
drug-gists: "I got my ten - now he's all yours."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Betty Skove
23/MAR/1967

When I'm coming in for an appointment, he sells tickets. I wouldn't mind
that so much... but to medical students?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Donald O. Michau
29/MAR/1966

I married him on a moneyback guarantee! I make money while he's on
his back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Dorothy Reynolds
01/JUN/1965

We tried discussing the family budget on a business-like basis with the
kids at weekly meetings. For us it didn't work. The first week they voted
themselves a 2 weeks all expense paid vacation to Disneyland.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
12/DEC/1967

President [[strikethrough]]Johnson[[/strikethrough]] ^[[Carter]] is having
the same problem with Congress I have with FANG. Always arguing
about money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Eugene R. Perret
28/MAY/1968

Fang never worked because he said he was to inherit a fortune from his
rich uncle. The old goat had been dead for years, but he pretended he
was alive so no one could inherit his money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Bob Besch
11/JUL/1967

Fang says I can't manage an allowance. Manage it! I can't even find it!
Every month he leaves my nickel in the kitchen.. which is pretty stupid.
Half the time I have trouble locating the stove!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Martin Stone
28/JUN/1965

She has just what it takes to wear the latest styles - a rich husband.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Mrs. R. L. Raisler
29/MAR/1966

They say money talks. Well, I tell you, by the 3rd of the month I have
nothing to say.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Mrs. Lorraine T. Carter
29/MAR/1966

My husband and I really like the same things... only he likes to save it
and I like to spend it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Unknown
Robert M. Strozier, Jr.
01/AUG/1967

Mother:
She went to a drive-in bank yesterday. But got confused, and tried to
cash a road map.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben
FEB/1975
Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers has never looked at the
stock market page.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Orben
06/DEC/1974

You can't trust anything anymore. I don't know what they're putting in
coins these days, but yesterday I threw a quarter in a wishing well--and
it floated.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
MAY/1975

Ralph Nader can't recall cars anymore. They never get out of the
showroom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Robert M. Strozier, Jr.
01/AUG/1967
Then she tried to sign a check with the ignition keys.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben
MAY/1975
My doctor just put me on a sugar free diet.  So did my accountant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben
MAY/1975
Pessimists never had it so good!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben
MAY/1975
The Arabs have so much money, they're going to buy the Grand Canyon
-- for storage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Orben
JUN/1975
I'm in good shape.  I only have three payments left on last year's car --
five payments left on last week's gas.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Money: Inflation
Orben
MAY/1975

Food prices are going up so fast, I don't know whether to take up fasting
or speed reading.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben
MAY/1975

She's the kind of girl you could fall madly in debt with.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Inflation
Orben
FEB/1975
Things are so bad my pawn shop put in an express lane.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

INFLATION
Orben
FEB/1975
Just think.  In four years we've gone from saying "Money isn't
everything" to "Money isn't anything."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

INFLATION
Orben
FEB/1975
I think some military spending has been cut already.  This morning a guy
in a blue uniform came to my door selling AIR Force cookies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Sayings: Inflation
Orben
29/AUG/1974
We're living in a time when the cost of living keeps going up - and the
chances keep going down.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Inflation
Orben
AUG/1974

I'm really uspet.  Sugar is so high, for the first time in history it's cheaper
to have diabetes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Money: Inflation
Orben
JUN/1975

I'll tell you how bad things are.  Nowadays if you see someone biting
their nails, it's not nerves--it's lunch!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Inflation
Orben
JUN/1974

Postal rates are getting ridiculous.  This morning I sent a package and
the clerk asked if it had anything valuable.  I said, "Only the stamps!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION

FEB/1975
While I was standing in line at the check-out counter at the supermarket,
the price of hamburger went up 3 times.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION

FEB/1975
They've changed the name of the show THE PRICE IS RIGHT to THE
PRICE IS WHAT!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION

FEB/1975
Inflation has hit everything but my chest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Inflation

FEB/1975
I tuned in Julia Childs the other day - she was giving recipes for left-
overs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION

FEB/1975
Food is so expensive, the newest status symbol is TUMS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

INFLATION

FEB/1975
On the dollar bill where it used to say: IN GOD WE TRUST - now it says:
LOTSA LUCK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben
1974
You might describe my financial situation as fluid -- down the drain.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

INFLATION
FEB/1975
We used to rush to the movies to get there before the prices changed.
Now we rush to the supermarket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Bill Brewer
30/May/1968
The only place in Las Vegas I ever broke even was at the Laundromat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben
09/JUN/1972
Doesn't it make you feel insecure to know that if you're a human being,
your body is worth 98 cents ... and if you're a cow, it's worth $600?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
23/May/1973
That was a very prophetic name people gave to American currency:
folding money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
23/May/1973
I just heard a frightening thing.  Take out a dollar bill and look at the
back of it.  See the pyramid with those three words underneath?
Somebody just told that in Latin it means MADE IN JAPAN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
19/Nov/1968
And everybody's talking about take-home pay.  You know why you have
to take it home?  It's too little to go by itself!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mr. Andrew H. Hoffman
15/Feb/1971
I would like to give the young people some advice, "Don't marry for
money, you can borrow it cheaper."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Oct/1964
I know money can't buy love - but it can put you in an awfully good
bargaining position.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
I ask no quarter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Distraught heiress - the will is gone - the will is gone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
You have the taste of a pig (to Try slam door - walk out) He was a rich
pig - with bristles - so I bristled back - with real play money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
ORBEN
12/DEC/1974

It's ridiculous--50¢ a gallon for gas.
What are they making it out of--lettuce?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Harry Nudelman
10/MAY/1965

One of our kids was betting on the horses. I found out and gave him a
piece of my mind. It hurt a little - but I said, "If you like nags, hang
around your Grandmother - don't hang around racetracks-" That's where
windows clean people!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Pete Toscano
10/May/1965
You can be sure of one thing. The husbands of the 10 BEST DRESSED
WOMEN will never show up on the list of the 10 BEST DRESSED MEN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
HERBERT PASCH
10/MAY/1965
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
MONEY. YOU SEE, I LIVED WITH THIS MAN, HE WAS MARRIED
AND ALL THAT - BUT ONE DAY, I GOT SO FED UP - I BLURTED
OUT - DAD, I WANT TO GO OUT ON DATES, WHY DO YOU KEEP
ME SO COOPED UP LIKE THIS - HE SAYS - YOU'VE BEEN ASKED?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
MRS. LILLIAN DANIELS
08/JUL/1964
FANG SAYS MONEY STARTED TO TALK AS SOON AS THEY PUT A
WOMAN'S HEAD ON IT!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Edward J. Beckwith
21/Jun/1967

This women (14 kids) borrowed thirty thousand dollars to finance a
nervous breakdown. You think I could get money just because I was at
the end of my rope? This buy (the banker) wouldn't lend me four dollars
to rent a straight jacket. So I bought some nerve pills to calm me down. I
got so calm I could cook a meal without lighting the stove.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
CHARLOTTE HOLICKER
08/JUL/1964
HE LIQUIDATED THE BUSINESS. LIQUIDATED THE BUSINESS? HE
DRANK ALL THE PROFITS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mary McBride
10/May/1965
He's such a staunch quaker he won't even buy gas during a price war.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
MARY MCBRIDE
29/MAR/1965
FANG ALWAYS CARRIES A PICTURE OF ME IN HIS WALLET. HE
FEELS IF A STICK-UP MAN SAW WHAT HIS WIFE LOOKED LIKE
HE'D FEEL HE SHOULDN'T TAKE HIS MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
01/Jun/1965
I don't even have an allowance. Fang lets me keep all the money I can
shake out of the vacuum cleaner bag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Sallie Bristow
16/Jul/1964
When a package comes to our house COD --- that means Call On Dad.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Donald Haywood
08/Jul/1964
Hi Big Spenders
Welcome to the Venetian Cleaners (don't laugh) They add your bill upon
a Univac Machine. Punch it out on an IBM card. Dip it in Smelling Salts
and hand it to you.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Violette Sealock
21/May/1965
Seems silly to pay 50¢ to park your car while you drink a 10¢ coke.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Florence Williams
10/May/1965
Calls her husband a handwriting analyst. Actually he's a forger.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Evelyn Gimigliano
16/Jul/1964
All Fang would talk about was Money. Money this and Money that! 'Till I
found out that was just a nick name -- for Monica!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Frank Fox
21/Dec/1964
I don't help Fang select his shirts. I pick his pockets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
R.E. Connell, Jr.
04/Aug/1964
I'm an impulse shopper, you know -- Whenever I get hold of money .. I
GET the impulse!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Shirlee C. Kurtz
04/Sep/1964
Who ever coined the phrase "free love" has obviously never had to
support a family.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Norman Lellan
04/Aug/1964
Whenever we take her out she always offers to pay, but she never has
any money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Gloria Pack
04/Sep/1964
MONEY MAKING IDEAS:
Once Sears had a sale on saddles. The ad said you could save $20.00
on every one. I had a charge account, so I bought a hundred of them.
With the money I saved I sent the kids to school in Switzerland, had the
house redecorated and bought a Beauty Shop. Fang has the nerve to
tell

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

- 2 -
Unknown
Gloria Pack
04/Sep/1964
me that we were a little short that month. I told him to use his head and
sell the saddles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
John W. Snider
08/Sep/1964
Someone paid a million dollars for a thoroughbred Kentucky Derby
winner. If you ask me, that's a lot of loot for something with only one
horsepower.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Violette I. Sealock
08/Sep/1964
Know how to borrow money without having to pay it back? Ask your
husband for $20, the say "Oh, just give me ten and owe me then and
then since you own me then and I owe you ten, we'll be even!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mary McBride
29/Mar/1965
I refused my son money because I said, "I don't want you to think there's
easy money." He said, "O.K. I'll settle for hard cash."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Gene R. Perret
20/Aug/1968
One kid asked for money and I knew I had just given him money 20
minutes ago. I never forget a palm.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Ray Rieves
07/Nov/1964
I once tried to cut off my son's allowance, and he threatened to sue me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
John W. Snider
08/Sep/1964
Most barbers are independently wealthy and just cut hair for a hobby.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Leon Marshall
04/Sep/1964
I just gave Fang his Father's Day present. All the bills from Mother's
Day.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mary Agnes Liddell
31/Oct/1964
I hear there's only one place in town where they can get a check
cashed. The Drugstore. The druggist is the only one who can read their
writing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Bill Daley
10/JAN/1968
Fang's sister and Mother got in Friday night. They're going to stay a
week and I really have something special for them this time. Prices!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Detours
OCT/1974
"they say that paper can keep a man warm."
"You're telling me? I once had a mortgage that kept me sweating for
twenty years."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
23/May/1973
Talk about bargains, what about the post office. Where else can you
mail a letter for eight cents and have half a million people work eleven
days to deliver it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
10/May/1973
The most expensive trip you can take now is to kiss the butcher.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
28/Nov/1972
Jackie & Ari - Since Jackie and Ari were married, they've spent $20
million. Now we know why he's seeing Maria Callas. He's trying to bum
some money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
28/NOV/1972
Jackie & Ari - Jackie spends $385,000 of his money every week. That's
a lot of money for a girl who doesn't even use birth control pills.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
28/Nov/1972
Jackie & Ari Onassis - Ari asked her "Where are you going to be more
thrifty?"

She said: "When we get down to MY money."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
28/NOV/1972
Jackie & Ari Onassis - I'd love to have a husband like him. I could spend
$385,000 a week in the beauty parlor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
28/Nov/1972
Jackie & Ari - They're a perfectly matched couple. He always walks
around with a blank expression; she always walks around with a blank
check.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
19/Aug/1971
Why is it always the First Presbyterian Church, the First Baptist, First
National Bank, First Security Trust? Why never a second? Where's the
third and the fourth?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag. The Lockhorns
10/AUG/1971
Phyllis making the 'peace sign' with her hand says to Fang: "It's not a
peace sign.  I need two dollars."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Unknown
Gene Perret
Jackie Onassis has the best wardrobe of all...a life jacket and a money
belt.

No.225

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Gene Perret
Unknown
I saw Jackie's beautiful yacht. The top deck is their living quarters, the
bottom two decks is his wallet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Jackie Onassis
Gene Perret
unknown
I wouldn't say she married for money but at the ceremony she put the
ring on his wallet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Jackie Onassis
Gene Perret
Unknown
After the wedding, instead of greeting friends, she started counting her
share.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Ari and Jackie Onassis
Gene Perret
Unknown
The ceremony was performed by an accountant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Jackie Onassis
Gene Perret
Unknown
The only worry she has about money is that she'll get so much it'll sink
the boat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Jackie Onassis
Gene Perret
Unknown

If money talks, she married a blabbermouth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Gene Perret
Unknown
I wind up with whispering Smith.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Gene Perret
Unknown

Onassis ... Great husband to have. It's like being married to a charge
plate.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
The Lockhorns
15/Nov/1974
"IT'S THE FIRST DOLLAR I EVER NAGGED LEROY OUT OF."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
The Lockhorns
15/Nov/1974
"Oh,Oh. He's come across that hat bill!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
The Lockhorns
Phyllis Diller
11/NOV/1974
"Did you have any particular attachment to our savings account?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
The Lockhorns
15/Nov/1974
"It's the first dollar I ever earned...and the only one she hasn't spent."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
The Lockhorns
15/NOV/1974

"I'M SORRY, BUT MONEY CAN'T BUY FRIENDS, AND I VALUE YOUR
FRIENDSHIP."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
The Lockhorns
15/NOV/1974

"I WANT TO START PAYMENT ON A CHECK ON WHICH MY
HUSBAND STOPPED PAYMENT."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
Bill Hoest, The Lockhorns.
15/NOV/1974

"WHAT'S THE MATTER? THAT'S THE SAME AMOUNT OF
SHOPPING MONEY I'VE GIVEN YOU FOR TEN YEARS!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
THE LOCKHORNS
15/NOV/1974
"WE CAN'T COME TONIGHT, GERTRUDE.
THIS IS LEROY'S NIGHT TO HOWL...
...HE'S GOING OVER THE BILLS."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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MONEY
The Lockhorns
11/NOV/1974

"I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY WHEN WE PASS HERE. WE DON'T OWE
THEM A CENT."

(CARTOON FEATURING CHARACTERS PASSING SAM'S MEAT
MARKET)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Bill Guschl
19/Dec/1964
Some people work their fool head off for a loaf of bread, and only need a
slice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Jean Farris
21/Dec/1964
You wouldn't believe what I have to go through just to get my hands on
a little money - Coats - Vests - Pants pockets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Jean Farris
21/Dec/1964
When it comes to money, I have to admit it - We do speak the same
language. -- Nag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Jack Borden
21/Dec/1964
I vote in Las Vegas. They have voting machines out there. I pulled the
lever, My candidate lost but I won $50 worth of nickles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Dick Schweitzer
24/OCT/1963
Her face is her fortune -- she got it caught in a revolving door and the
insurance company has been paying ever since.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Charles Parker
26/OCT/1963
When you get to be my age you begin to wonder if it's worth what it
costs to live.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Mary Burger
25/OCT/1963
You know, I really owe a lot to my mother. And I mean to pay back every
cent.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Leon Marshall
25/OCT/1963
My neighbor is very petty. He keeps borrowing back everything I
borrowed from him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Charles W. Parker
25/OCT/1963
Fang's folks are having a tough time. They're trying to save up enough
money to go bankrupt.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Mary McBride
31/JAN/1964
I said to the policeman, "I didn't notice the stop sign coming up." He
said, That's funny, it was your bumper that pulled it out of the cement."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

        

R.L. PARKER
LOAN COMPANY SKETCH
31/Oct/1964
I come from a neighborhood of borrowers.  We neighbors borrowed the
neighborhood - from the local bank.

Our neighborhood is so mortgaged that, before one of us can get a loan
at the bank, our community has to pool its assets for collateral.  At the
last meeting our pool was a small puddle.

At loan companies you can borrow money real quick.  I walked into a
loan company - with the help of my creditors - said my name is Diller
and the girl says "Sign here and your payment will be $100.00 per
week."

I said "I only want to borrow $75.00.  She said, In that case your
payment will be $125.00 per week."

I said, "Where am I going to get this kind of money."  She said, "Try the
loan company next door."

I walked next door and said "Hello" and this girl said:  "Your payments
are delinquent."  I said "What payments?"  She said, "Hhave you made
any?"  I said "On What?"  She said, "On the loan you want to get."

This whole thing started when the loan company advertised that I could
consolidate all of my debts.  That's how I paid off the other loan
companies.  Now I can't remember how I got in debt in the first place.

I've been getting letters from the loan company.  The first reminded me
that the payment was due - a couple of hours earlier.  The next letter
carried a mild threat - on my life.  It was attached to the first letter.  Then
the next letter pointed out I was hopelessly in debt and offered me
another loan to take care of my situation.  Our government should
outlaw those type of loans but that is how the government is financing
it's operation.  Those loan companies start out on a shoe string and
work their way right up to your purse string.

This loan company foreclosed on our home.  It made Fang so mad that
he brought in a house full of termites.  When we left there was just the
aluminum storm windows and doors with chimney.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
20/Oct/1970
(England) The minute I arrived here... I was in trouble with money... I
thought a pound was 16 ounces.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
24/Jun/1970
I heard the Howard Hughes-Jean Peters breakup had something to do
with financial problems. It can be rough when only [[underline]] one's
[[/underline]] working.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
11/Jun/1970
The difference between fame and fortune is the difference between
getting your face or your hands on a $5 bill.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
11/Jun/1970
I took a vacation this year to get away for a vacation ... and ran into a lot
of people who were trying to [[underling]] get it all [[/underling]] away
from me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Jun/1970
One racetrack bettor to other: "No, I didn't bring the money. My wife
blew it on the rent."
From [[underline]] DETOURS [[/underline]]

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
George Tricker
23/May/1969
I've got some good news and some bad news... Your husband died in a
phone booth ... now the good news ... He got his dime back!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
14/May/1969
You can't pay a traffic ticket with cash. The police stations are afraid of
holdups!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Oct/1964
A repossessed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
17/Dec/1968
I don't have to do this for a living you know. I sell checkbooks to Howard
Hughes!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Gene Perret
20/AUG/1968
One kid asked for money and I knew I had just given him money 20
minutes ago. I never forget a palm.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mary McBride
05/AUG/1968
Rich?!! They not only belong to the Country Club. The Country Club
belongs to them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
She's so dumb she thinks an escrow is a crooked bird.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Feb/1965
Her hobby is fortune telling - She can tell who's got a fortune.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sept/1964
Harrah's Club - umpteen trillion dollars - PLUS a suite and a Rolls -
that's not breakfast rolls - that's with wheels.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
12/Dec/1967
It's amazing how many people are packing $10,000 worth of luggage;
driving down to the airport in their Rolls Royce; and flying first class to
India so they can meditate on the simple life.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Second wife - third mortgage - fourth child - fifth martini.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Sherry says: Phyllis - we're running into financial trouble - we are
spending SAVINGS - you mean you're spending my STRING.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Feb/1965
She is so rich, instead of buying a radio, she bought Pablo Casals.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
The bank was held up by crooks wearing Halloween masks - one teller
wouldn't hand over the dough until they recited a poem.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963

Father tells son ETHICS is the backbone of morlaity ... for instance ... let
me give you an example ... a man paid back a loan today with a brand
new ten dollar bill ... I didn't notice till he was leaving that there were two
ten dollar bills stuck together ...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
14 NOV 1963
2
...IMMEDIATELY, A QUESTION OF ETHIS AROSE...SHOULD I TELL
YOUR MOTHER!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Donald O. Michau
24/Jan/1964
He's very dear to me, about $50,000 a year!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
P.K. Stein
31/Dec/1964
Fang said they locked up one of his wino friends just because they
robbed his kid brothers bank. I found out later his brotheris cashier at
the First National.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP 1964
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A RICH BEGGAR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
ORBEN GAG. JOAN RIVERS
12 DEC 1967
THE LAST ANTIQUE DEALER I VISITED TRIED TO DUPE ME I
THINK. DOES $1,500 SOUND LIKE A FAIR PRICE FOR A 14TH
CENTURY TAPE RECORDER?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
19/May/1967
Onassis and Callas suing another guy for a quarter of a frighter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
30/Mar/1966
A dollar an apple! We killed a whole tree to get them apples.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Feb/1965
You're going to get a raise as soon as I start paying you.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
He welched - he's a welcher.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP 1964
THIS BANK WAS ALWAYS BEING HELD UP BY CROOKS WHO
HANDED A NOTE TO THE TELLER SAYING: THIS IS A STICK-UP --
SO THE BANK HIRES TELLERS WHO CAN'T READ.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
Feb/1965
FUNNY NOTE
When you have a tan like this it means one of 2 things - either you're
terribly rich or out of work.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
MAY 1964
THIS GUY IS SO EXCLUSIVE HE LIVES IN AN UNLISTED HOUSE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
JUL/1964
HE'S WORTH $5,000,000 -- ALIVE!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
JUN/1964
LUDICROUS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
CHARLES W. PARKER
16/FEB/1965
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ______ NAME ONE?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
HOOD STICKING UP MOVIE - GIVE ME EVERYBODY'S MONEY
BACK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
EMILY MILLER
16/FEB/1965
I ASKED, "MOM, WHY DO YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY ALL SEWED
UP?" SHE SAID, "BECAUSE A PENNY SAVED IS A STITCH IN TIME."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
EMILY MILLER
16 FEB 1965
I SAID, "LAST NIGHT WAS PAY DAY. DID DAD MAKE IT HOME?"
SHE SAID, "MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL THAT YOU CAN DO
TOMORROW."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
EDWARD J. BECKWITH
28 MAY 1968
SHE'S SUCH A SNOB. SHE WON'T GO TO A CHARITY BALL
UNLESS IT'S FOR A RARE DISEASE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
XX/Nov/1964
Being panned by the critics isn't so bad - remember, when they're
panning, they're looking for gold.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
24/Oct/1964
Daddy was rich - We had this big house in Ohio - I lived in the right wing
- in Illinois - and brother lived in the left wing - in Russia.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
XX/Oct/1964
This dress cost a hundred dollars and if you don't believe it - I'll show
you the summons.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
XX/Oct/1964
I didn't want to marry him for his money - but how else could I get it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
XX/Nov/1964
Sports care - sciatica
Bank to make a calcium deposit.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Zola Dine
09/Feb/1965
My kids wanted something for Christmas I'd made myself - Money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker
09/Feb/1965
Fang is so stingy he has $5 dollar bills that show Abe Lincoln without a
beard.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker
10/May/1965
Fang's cousin went to night school to better himself, and already he's
made eight hundred dollars mugging people on the way home.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV 1964
2 HEADED GIANTS - CURED FOR $2000 A HEAD - I DON'T HAVE
THAT KIND OF MONEY - THEN MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE GIANTS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
MARTIN STONE
20 JUN 1965
I KNOW A GUY WHO STILL HAS THE FIRST DOLLAR HE EVER
MADE. HE'S A COWARDLY COUNTERFEITER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
MONTY HURST
20 JUL 1965
I KNOW A GIRL WHO GETS HER MAD MONEY FROM THE
FRIENDLY LOAN COMPANY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV 1964
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN ABOUT NO IMAGINATION -
ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD - AND THEY HAVE A
RECTANGULAR SWIMMING POOL.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
XX/Nov/1964

Toll taker's lament - you heated that quarter - with a punk - you punk
and now I have an eagle on my palm - Daddy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Why did you heat that quarter - R. Now I have an eagle on my palm.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mary Agnes Liddell
November 7, 1963
People who have children in orthodontia have a common bond...
poverty!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Gag File
Phyllis Diller
31/OCT/1963
For a year we lived on refunds from Double Your Money Back
Guarantees.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Shirlee C. Kurtz
21/Jan/1964
Our milk bill for December read $38.00 for milk and $235.00 for egg
nog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker
07/Dec/1963
I have a friend who strived and struggled for years to make enough
money to belong to the Diner's Club..now he has an ulcer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Charles Parker
26/Oct/1963

And then I wrote -- Home For Money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Marjorie R. Simons
25/OCT/1963
How to make money in three easy steps:  trip on them and collect
insurance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Charles Parker
25/Oct/1963

My psychiatrist told me to get a hobby -- so I took up taxidermy -- I'm
stuffing a mattress with money -- That's stuffing taxis.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
R. Walsh
22/Jan/1964
Speaking of bragging - when a fellow says his salary is in four figures,
ask him about the decimal point.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
10/APR/1964
John Stoginski
Besides they have a new policy there "All you Can Eat For Ten
Thousand Dollars."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker
10/APR/1964
My oldest son, Pete, is in college. He's majoring in sending home for
money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Leon Marshall
10/APR/1964
Fang and I are hopelessly incompatible. He believes in free love and I
believe in alimony.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Shirlee C. Kurts
22/APR/1964
Thru sleet, snow, ice and rain, the bills still come thru.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Wilfred Beaver
10/Apr/1964
One of my old beaux said: I've lost all my money and I said: That doesn't
make any difference -- I'll love you just as much, even if I never see you
again.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mary McBride
10/APR/1964
If Fang were rich, he would never invest. He's too lazy to have his
money work.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Jean Farris
31/DEC/1963
Most girls can break a date simply by going out with him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Henry Schultz
7/NOV/1964
My sister is still single. She can't find the right man. She wants one
smart enough to make a lot of money, but stupid enough to give most of
it to her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Trudy Blake
31/Dec/1963
I really worked last week -- cleaned out the closets, removed some
spots from Fang's suit - a couple of five's and a ten!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Jean Farris
31/Dec/1963
It makes a heck of a lot of difference which you're saving for --- a rainy
day or a wet night!!!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Larry DiGirolamo

22 JAN 1964

The Casinos in Vegas are plush ... they feature wall-to-wall bankruptcy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
NONNEE COAN
22/JAN/1964

A counterfeiter in our neighborhood got caught. He didn't know what
picture to put on the ten dollar bill and finally wound up with a group
picture, the Beatles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
V.F. Crain
10/Apr/1964

Definition -- Home
A budget is a plan which enables you to pay-as-you-go -- if you don't go
anywhere.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
George Jay Bloom
23/Apr/1964
You see, my husband gave me a 50 dollar gift certificate from Goodwill
Industries: I got 4 dresses, 3 rooms furniture and a Used Car with it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker V.S.M.
30/Apr/1964
I have a neighbor who is always borrowing..sugar, flour... tea.... salt. I
finally had to shut her off. She wanted to borrow a cup of money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. B. N. Smith
08/Apr/1964
Maybe it's our fault if our kids are confused about money. We tell them
it's the root of all evil and the fruit of our labors, and then we say it
doesn't grow on trees!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Charles W. Parker
8/Apr/1964
When I was younger I thought that money was everything. Now that I'm
older I'm sure of it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
P.A. ROTUNO
20/MAY/1964
I married Fang because I thought he was rich - he was the town's Sugar
Daddy -- turned out he's diabetic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
R. Walsh
10/Apr/1964

The fellow who has money to burn is a dope. There are cheaper fuels.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
20/MAY/1964
Pedigreed dogs are out, as far as status symbols go -- I saw a rich men
dragging a little compact car around on a diamond studded leash!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker V.S.M.
20/May/1964
Fang went broke again. He opened a laundromat in nudist camp.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Larry DiGirolamo
2/Jun/1964
Show me a newsboy with the right change and I'll show you a kid who
hasn't learned the ropes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
John K. Young
27/MAY/1964
I'll never go to the bank again when I've got laryngitis.  I pushed a note
at the teller, and she set off the burglar alarm.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
R. L. Parker
27/May/1964
When any one takes me at face value -- I owe them money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Leon Marshall
13/JUN/1964

When my uncle died, he left a lot of money behind him.  He was shot
crawling out of a bank window.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Leon Marshall
13/Jun/1964
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the
water bill is higher.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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UNKNOWN
Jean Farris
13/JUN/1964

A woman would never even consider marrying for money.. if she could
just get her hands on it some other way.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
LARRY DIGIROLAMO
2/JUN/1964
I was discovered by a movie talent scout in a drugstore... I found some
loose change in the phone booth... and he wanted his dime back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
LARRY DIGIROLAMO
02 JUN 1964
He is so rich his interior decorator is Bernard Baruch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
MARY MCBRIDE
02 JUN 1964
When Fang's father died there was a big fight about the family
homestead -- No-body wanted it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
R. L. PARKER
02 JUN 1964
I'm writing a book about loaning money to friends, titled "How to Lose
Interest".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
LARRY DIGIROLAMO
02 JUN 1964
Money is a medium of exchange.. and lately I have found a happy
medium.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Ash Wing
19/Jun/1964
A sure way to keep bills down ... Use a heavier paperweight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gag
30/Mar/1968
The way things are going, OPENED BY MISTAKE could apply to letters,
stores that go bankrupt, and DeGaulle's mouth!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gags
30/MAR/1968
They expect the new rates to bring in another 900 million dollars a year.
I don't know how they're planning to spend it but it's the first time I ever
saw a cashmere mailbag!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gags
30/Mar/1968
You can always tell the people who say: "Money can't buy happiness."
They're the ones who usually have had very little experience with either.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Orben Gags
30/Mar/1968
Now she wants manufacturers to tell consumers how long an appliance
will last. I could tell her that myself. Two minutes longer than the final
payment!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Orben Gags
30/Mar/1968
If you think everything these days is coin-operated, ask your teenager to
shovel snow for a quarter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Orben Gags
30/May/1968
Don't worry about not being able to travel to Europe. Howard Hughes is
gonna send for it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

(Re: script for TV shows) Now I've got to put my money where my mouth
is - I should have kept my mouth shut - Who wants a mouth full of
money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
She's so rich - she thinks a car pool is a car with a pool in it - the life
guard drives.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Eugene R. Perrett
19/MAR/1968
Lazy kids. The last thing any of them ever did for money was lose his
baby teeth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
EUGENE R. PERRETT
19 MAR 1968
It's embarrassing when someone asks them the name of their last
employer, they say, "The Good Fairy."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
01/Apr/1968
Definition of a family man: a fellow who has replaced the currency in his
wallet with snapshots. -- MEXICAN-AMERICAN REVIEW

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1968
The cigarette warnings have made many people nervous. I heard of one
bank robber who passed a note to a teller that read: "Give me all your
money or I'll blow smoke in your face."By Ray Fine

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963

She's rich.. you know the Plotz Hotel.. her father's a bellboy there.. he
handles the bell...well, not the bell... just the handle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
You've got to stop these suicide attempts... look at the gas bill.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
When the critics pan you they're looking for gold!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
I'll give you a draft on my bank...I'll open the door & let the wind blow
through it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
Husband: Where is all that grocery money I give you going to?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
What do you buy with the money you make in the daytime?!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

Had a piggy bank... in front of my house..on stilts... one day I put my
glasses on and found out it was a parking meter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
Take out policy on my life... and then loan me money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Another day - another dollar - what are you getting?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
He's worth $5,000,000 -- ALIVE!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
30 dollar bill... two 15's.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
I can't take this kind of money... what other kind is there?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963
He was robbed of $18 and his witch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
I asked for a special price.. and they raised it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
United Truss... I thought it was a bank.. I put my money in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963
It's easy for you... you were born poor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
Ordinarily I pay spot cash.. my cash has spots on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963
How do you meet expenses? My wife introduces them to me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Cast thy "bread" upon the water - musicians' term "bread" meaning $.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
No money - you can't just shake hands and kiss.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
My check is in the refrigerator -- have you ever heard of frozen assets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Cold cash (in refrigerator)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
If a man jingles coins in his pocket - it doesn't mean he's trying to tell
you he's rich or poor - he's nervous.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
unknown
I have never known a rich beggar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Her parents were so rich -- when that kid had a snack after school -- she
got center cut.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Palm Springs -- It's a desert - but there's still green -- money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
PHoebe - I've been dating my mortician so many years - he says he's
spent so much money on me - when I finally kick the bucket he won't
even get his money back -- When he asked for dates - he didn't mention
a money-back guarantee.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
The here-after is what you pass along to people -- that's It. It isn't
money!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
A penny saved is a penny earned - that's why mother wouldn't work -
she just kept saving pennies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
A taste of Money (new movie).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Husbanding the money - what about wifing the money?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
When he has $1 an you have $9 - he says: We got $10.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Mad love scene -- he's after my money -- the classic Groucho Marx bit.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Speaks of his rich girl friend as Miss 7 zeroes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
(OLD LADY TRAVELER'S CHECK AD) I never carry over $50.00 in
cash.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Women (a bowling team) haggling over check after lunch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
He: Money doesn't grow on trees!
She: Bushes?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1965
I pinned my money on my underwear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Another day - another dollar - what are you getting?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

Missouri $25 to $500 fine for littering -- what in God's name could you
throw out of a car that would be worth a $500 fine? (a body).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
In Washington D.C. I drove past this HUGE 20 dollar bill -- turned out to
be the White House.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Any man WHO will steal a church -- and then sell liquor in it - can't be
ALL bad.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
There are 2 sides to every coin - on one side - the bald eagle - and on
the other side - the Indian wearing his feathers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
Downtown shopping taking money out of pockets of man's pants.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
A little loaded at the party - left with a boudoir pillow instead of my purse
- tried to pay the cab driver Kapok.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Oct/1964

Cleaning bit in Washington D.C. - this guy at the cleaners is knocking
the hotel (Shoreham) cleaning service.  I'm trying to get Sherry to leave
his overcoat to be cleaned - Sherry says he'll have the S do it - this guy
says - it'll cost you double there - it'll cost $5.00 - I say he ought to have
it waterproofed - then this guy

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
-2-
(Mike) says - that'll be $7.50 - it's highway robbery - finally gets Sherry to
leave coat - Sherry says: What if it rains tonight - M. says: Stay home -
don't go out - watch TV - What do you want - that'll be $15.00 - a button
off - that'll be $17.50 - and with water proofing - $25.00.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
Don't even have a Gideon Bible - just Conrad Hilton's BE MY GUEST - I
already am - Guest my foot - the room I had cost $17.00 an hour.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
A terrible looking house combining many types of horrible architecture --
this couple so proudly saying: "We built it ourselves" then we took our
FHA loan and went to Europe to get away from it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
You can't understand a word he says -- he was born with a silver spoon
in his mouth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Thick around the Wallet pocket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Confederate money - play money - Green stamps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
Only time I ever needed a bag - no bag - so my purse - I got off in that
next town - and nobody would take my money.
(Sick - air sick bag)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Jul/1967
Spend? Last week she told me she bought a Renoir for $3,000. And if
you think I wasn't upset at that point -- you should have seen me when I
found out it wasn't a sports car!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
19/May/1967
But the thing about supermarkets I can never understand - they sell
bottled water for a dollar a gallon - and apple cider for only 79¢ a gallon!
Yesterday, Jack Benny came staggering in from the desert and he was
saying: (PARCHED VOICE) "Cider, Cider!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967
ERNIE GLUCKSMAN phones: "Even kids know about income tax. I was
in a school last week and this little five year old was saluting the flag. He
said: "I pledge my allowance to the American flag!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
05/Jul/1967
The way a friend of ours figures, if he continues to save at his present
rate, he'll retire owing $300,000.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
11/Jul/1967
Summertime -- and the living is easy. Tell that to a guy who makes ear
muffs!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
12/Dec/1967
Every year Detroit tries to add something new to cars. Sometimes they
add it to the engine. Sometimes they add it to the body. This year they're
adding it to the price tag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967
All this soul searching on whether to bomb the port of Haiphong reminds
me of the parishioner who asked the minister's son where his father
was. The boy said: "He's in the chapel meditating on whether he should
accept a call from a rich Beverly Hills church." The visitor said: "And
where is your mother?" The kid said: "She's upstairs packing!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967
Always beware of the fella who says you can't take it with you -- 'cause
he's planning to take yours with him!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967
I don't think it's an accident that the biggest part of the word installment
is stall.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
02/Aug/1967
I know a fella who inherited $100,000. He blew $5,000 on the horses;
$10,000 at Las Vegas; $15,000 on booze --- and the rest he spent
foolishly.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
He had something I really liked - but he spent it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
SHE'S A GIFTED CHILD - HER GRANDFATHER GAVE HER A
DOLLAR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN CLOTHES - I'M REFERRING TO CULTURE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY MONEY DIDN'T YOU? SILLY,
MONEY WON'T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. OF COURSE, I'M
REFERRING TO CONFEDERATE MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
WE HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART - THAT'S WHY THE
INTEREST IS SO HIGH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
MONEY - YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU - OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T
GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/SEP/1964
TALK ABOUT LUCKY - HIS SISTER WON A HUNDRED DOLLARS
FOR LIFE - ON A QUIZ SHOW AND DROPPED DEAD THE NEXT
DAY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/SEP/1964
TWA TRAVEL OFFICE - TOUTING SOUTHERN TRIP - END UP
TAKING A SUN BATH WITH A SUN LAMP IN THE OFFICE (BECAUSE
OF THE PRICE).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/NOV/1964
IN S. AMERICA WHERE EGGS ARE CURRENCY, CIGARETTE
MACHINES ARE A MESS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
WRESTLER WHO WAS SO BACK HE SOLD ADVERTISING SPACE
ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS SHOES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/NOV/1964
TALKING TO TEXAN - MY RENT'S DUE, AND I JUST DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY - SELL ONE OF YOUR CADILLACS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/OCT/1964
THE BOSS SAID: MISS DILLER, I'M GIVING YOU A RAISE BECAUSE
I WANT YOUR LAST WEEK HERE TO BE A HAPPY ONE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/OCT/1964
ANOTHER SHOCKING FACT ABOUT SMOKING - IT COSTS MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/OCT/1964
NEW COFFEE ON THE MARKET WHOSE SECRET INGREDIENT IS
MONEY - IT'S DELICIOUS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/OCT/1964
OPERATION - NURSE LOOKS IN WALLET - ON WAY TO SURGERY -
SHE SAYS TO DOCTOR - THIS MAN CAN'T EVEN AFFORD A SORE
THROAT (WE X-RAYED HIS WALLET).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/NOV/1964
SHE WAS WEARING A PLASTIC FUR COAT - SO I DIDN'T TRY TO
BORROW MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
PHYLLIS GAG
??/NOV/1964
INVEST FOR KIDS TRUST FUND (BORROWED) MOTHER $50,000 -
$3600 BORROW ON HOUSE PKG. SOMETHING DEPRECIATION
REAL ESTATE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

A junk man offered me $20 for my body - and $30 for the suit of armour.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

He hasn't made any money for so long he's forgotten how to fold it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

Money won't cure anything - of course I'm speaking of Confederate
money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
There's something so marvelous about people - THEIR MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

OK, so I like to spend money - name one other extravagance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
29/NOV/1964
My whole life has been motivated by a desire for money cleverly
concealed beneath a desire for money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
There's one thing (riches) money can't buy - poverty.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
His eyes were rolling - first I got cherries - then lemons - TILT - I won -
now give me back my play money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Money pinned in purse!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

100 People charge extra for the footbath.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

60¢ to get on - charge 4.98 to get off.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

I'll never forget the day I gave the PTA treasurer's report on my fingers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Mary McBride
29/Mar/1965

I refused my son money because I said, "I don't want you to think there's
easy money." He said, "O.K. I'll settle for hard cash."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
Charles W.Parker,V.S.M
11/Jul/1967

As mother always said, "The only easy payment is the first one."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
June Cocka
10/May/1965
I met an old friend the other day that I haven't seen in years. All that
money he used to carry in his billfold has been replaced with snapshots.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
HELOISE MARTIN ALLEN
20/JUN/1965

I've figured out a way to hold bills down. I use a heavy paperweight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
LEON MARSHALL
23/JUL/1964

It won't be long now until we have money to burn. Right now it's cheaper
than fuel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

UNKNOWN
LEON MARSHALL
23/JUL/1964

People will gamble on anything. Now, they're beginning to save money
on the chance that someday it will be valuable.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Leon Marshall
04/Sep/1964
The nicest thing about money is that it never clashes with anything I'm
wearing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Leon Marshall
09/Oct/1964
Fang got his first bill from the new country club yesterday, and now he's
beginning to wonder if he was accepted or taken.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Ray Rieves
07/Nov/1964
If I increase my kids' allowance one more time, he moves into a higher
tax bracket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
RAY RIEVES
07 NOV 1964
I know a man that had to file Bankruptcy.
He couldn't afford his kids allowance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
RAY RIEVES
07 NOV 1964
SHOW ME A KID THAT DOESN'T RECEIVE AN ALLOWANCE AND
I'LL SHOW YOU AN ORPHAN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Ray Rieves
07/Nov/1964
Last week I ran a little low on money. So I had to borrow money from my
kids - just to pay their allowances.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
RAY RIEVES
09/OCT/1964
Times have really changed. When I was a kid, we'd pull a tooth and put
it under the pillow and hope the "Good Fairy" would leave us a dime.
Today the kids still believe in the the "Good Fairy"... but they don't
believe in dimes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

UNKNOWN
NATIONAL LAUGH ENTERPRISES
24/OCT/1964
If it's a small world, why does it cost so much to run it?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Mabel Luckow
21/May/1965
Fang says he can't see how I can get so over-drawn at the bank, without
a gun.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
I went to the bank to make a small calcium deposit.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
17/Jul/1969
Know what's frustrating about June? After winter expenses, you have
the itch to travel, but you don't have the scratch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Have you noticed that the only people who recommend poverty as a
character builder are millionaires.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
What good is happiness - it won't buy money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag. Dorothy Rider.
27/May/1969
Imagination is what makes you think you're having a wonderful time
when you're only spending money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gag
19/Nov/1968
Money is so tight now - it squeaks!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964
Milk at the Waldorf is a dollar a drop.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Gag
28/MAR/1966
I couldn't resist it.... It might be ready for people.... but I wasn't ready for
it.... I bought it on a revolving charge account. When you get the bill you
spin.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Do you have a ten? I need a bookmark.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Gags. Leon Marshall
10/APR/1964
My kids know the value of a dollar. And that's why they have no respect
for it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Don Gregg
31/DEC/1963
Sometimes I improve my figure by wearing my money belt high.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gags. Mary McBride
31/Jan/1964
Fang's always bragging about making money in the market. He once
found a quarter in the sawdust.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gags. Charles W. Parker
08/Apr/1964
A penny saved is a penny earned... but from this you'll never make a
living.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Charles W. Parker
08/Apr/1964
If at first you don't succeed... the smart thing to do is go bankrupt.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Jim Pearson
27/May/1964
Want to know how to teach children the value of money? Borrow it from
them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Unknown
N.K. Coan
27/May/1964

I wanted my kid to learn the value of money and business, so I bought
him a lemonade stand. The first day he made $5. He sold the stand.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Thomas Schulte
13/Jun/1964
The only way you can get a bank loan is to have absolute proof you
don't need it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Mrs. Thomas Schulte
13/Jun/1964
I manage money very well. We toured Europe on Fang's unemployment!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Leon Marshall
13/Jun/1964
Nowadays, food costs so much, it's cheaper to eat money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gags
30/Mar/1968
The whole idea of Planned Obsolescence is that nothing is made to last.
Nothing! Automobiles, washing machines, marriages or money!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Orben Gags
30/Mar/1968
I paid my bills and now I've got the only bank account in town with an
echo!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
I'm sick of working for peanuts - I'm NOT an elephant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964
I know you can't take it with you - but you can't go anywhere without it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
She keeps her money in a fireproof safe - just in case you CAN take it
with you.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben gags
JUN/1979
I'm worried about my broker.  He just moved into three room ledge.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - Inflation
Orben Gags
JUN/1979
Dollar a pound steak is still available.
It requires a slightly different place setting-- spoon, fork & chainsaw.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Comedy/Update
May/1979
That Russian defector spent $5,000 a month while he was with that
escort date. That was $4,000 a month for her and $1,000 for oysters.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
May/1979
I don't believe what's happened to me in the stock market -- I got
suspicious when my broker carried me over the threshold.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben gags
Apr/1979
Have you ever noticed that the Cardiac Arrest unit in the hospital is next
to the Cashier's office?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
Apr/1979
People in Beverly Hills have so much money, they don't cut their grass --
- they have it styled.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Comedy/Update
Apr/1979
These days about the only way to make ends meet is to go to a disco
and do the bump.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Orben Gags
Apr/1979
Have you been to the hotel restaurant yet? I had the chicken dinner and
it's the last time I pay and arm and a leg for a wing and a breast!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Ed Perkins
Apr/1979
Just last night I offered a big opportunity to a member of a minority. A
rich guy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money - Inflation
Ed Perkins
Apr/1979
Prices are terrible. Sometimes a gourmet dinner can cost you a whole
welfare check.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY - Inflation
ORBEN GAGS
MAR/1979
You think prices are high now? Wait'll you hear the latest -- designer
gas! You drive into a station and there are three pumps -- regular,
premium and Calvin Klein.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY
Orben Gags
MAR/1979
Here it is April -- the month when I.R.S. holds its annual B.Y.O.B. Party.
Bring Your Own Bundle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY: Strike
Orben Gags
MAR/1979
If the Teamsters get all their demands, I'll stop eating where the truck
drivers eat. I don't like caviar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY: Rich
Russell Myers
MAR/1979
Christine Onassis calls her step-mother Jackie Who?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MONEY: Rich
Russell Myers
MAR/1979
In Beverly Hills people are born with capped teeth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Rich
Russell Myers
MAR/1979
Christine wanted to give her mother-in-law a little gift. She bought her
Siberia and a can of Prestone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Shirley Wood
APR/1976
Q: If you married again, what type of a man would it be?
A: Let's put it this way, if J. Paul Getty were a little taller.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money: Inflation
Orben Gags
JUL/1978
Isn't it terrible the way people try to take advantage of high prices? I
know a farmer who's trying to teach his pigs to say "Moo!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Carol Ann Ynsua
JUL/1978
I decided to do something different, and invested my money in a chain
of "slow food" restaurants. They specialize in escargot and turtle soup.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
JUN/1978
I just bought a second hand car that was previously owned by a little old
Saudi - Arabian who only used it to go to the bank. It had 187,000 miles
on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
JUL/1977
Rich? He just bought a Winnebago with a wine cellar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
JUL/1978
I'd like to teach my kids the value of a dollar but I'm no good at fractions.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gag
APR/1978
"How much money do you have in the bank?" I said, "I dunno. Let me
shake it!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Unknown
21/SEP/1992
CURRENT COMEDY
SOMEBODY HEARD IT WRONG. WE SAID WE WANTED MORE
HOMES FOR LESS, NOT MORE HOMELESS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gag
APR/1978
Wait'll they find out that Howard Hughes never left a will. He took it with
him. Two months before he died he had his appendix taken out --- and
his money put in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gag
APR/1978
Texas is the only state I know where they sell cemetery plots with oil
rights.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Money
Orben Gags
SEP/1976
The owner of our company has decided to retire early -- for reasons of
wealth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
SEP/1976

A college education now costs $25,000, but it produces three very proud
people---the student, his mama and his pauper.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
SEP/1976

Bankruptcy is catching --- you can get it from your kids.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1978

Bob Hope is so rich - they made him an honorary Arab.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
JUL/1977

You have to be suspicious of a bank that gives you a choice of three
scenic checkbooks: The Mississippi River, the Rocky Mountains and
Leavenworth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
JUL/1977

Last night I read a book that brought tears to my eyes. My bank book.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MONEY
Orben Gags
JUL/1977

I had bursitis in my right arm and the doctor cured it with a very simple
exercise. Twice a week I reached for my wallet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 6, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-02-2017 06:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History

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