Drawer2Part1.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Extracted on Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
CURRENT COMEDY
1990
I just found out what "VCR' really stands for -- Very Costly Repairs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]Appliances[[/underline]]
Thomas Gardner
1987

I just got a new microwave oven, now I can ruin dinner in half the time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Appliances
Ellen Hildreth
1981

I don't know about that little door in the bottom of my toaster where the
crumbs go.  I found a [[underline]]loaf[[/underline]] of bread!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
Tom Olson
1978
I probably ought to mop the kitchen floor.  It's so greasy, the refrigerator
keeps sliding around.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
Duane Shell
1977
My tea kettle doesn't whistle - it hisses!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Appliances - Microwave Oven
Orben Gags
1977

Fang's brother invented a product for conserving energy.  It's a wind-up
microwave oven.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
Duane Shell
1977
My tea kettle doesn't whistle - it hisses!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
Lydia Olson
1978
All those complicated new kitchen appliances! Microwave ovens, crock-
pots! It's getting so you can't drink and cook at the same time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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<underline> Appliances </end>
Jack Sender
1978

The Matterhorn looks like our refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Mr. John J. Skaro
1978
Even the appliances in my house are weird.  The toaster has 3 settings -
-- light, medium, and burnt beyond recognition.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES - Coffee Maker
Orben Gags
1976

Do you realize what it would cost the United States if every American
family paid $30 for a Coffee-maker?  Seven Trillion dollars.  For that
kind of money we could just boil Lake Tahoe and drop Brazil into it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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^[[APPLIANCES-WASHING MACHINE]]
PD
1975
Washing machine repairman is here--he brought his wash.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
N.E. Coan
1965

I have a very powerful vacuum cleaner. I'm missing a rug.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Jim Pearson
1964

Had a vacuum cleaner salesman call the other day.  He said his vacuum
cleaner would do half my work for me so I bought 2 of them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES ^[[SEWING MACHINE]]
Phyllis Gag
1964
Had a sewing machine - run by a water wheel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964

My husband asked me why I only bake one cupcake at a time - that's all
the room there is in there -- with all that crud on the sides of the oven.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[underline]]APPLIANCES[[/underline]]
Jack Sender
1978
(Winter Vacation)
No refrigerator! We had to keep our food at room temperature: freezing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Air conditioning - what a noise - a hissing sound - like sleeping with a
roomfull of snakes.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964

Husband (an inventor) working on several things:
A car that folds into a glove compartment.
A car especially built for San Francisco's hills - it has hoofs.
A new kind of toaster - the toast doesn't pop up - the room pops down.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANES
Phyllis Gag
1964

How to get an obstruction out of the electrolux tube - let a knife fall
through it - an obstruction is a clean word for tinker toy - parakeet - how
did the parakeet get in the electrolux tube - I vacuumed the cage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES

Phyllis Gag

1964

Now the knife and the parakeet are both stuck.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Only vacuum on the block that sings - he was in there two weeks - we
poured bird seed in one end.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES

Phyllis Gag

1964

Cooking in modern lamps -- throwing eggs in -- then they bubble up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
(Unknown)
Installed the garbage disposal unit upside-down--the thing threw
everything at me--my husband bawled me out for buying a new hat--You
idiot--that's the garbage. He said--it's the prettiest you've ever worn (It
looks like the hat your mother wore to our wedding).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
I slip-covered everything - the refrigerator, the stove, the deep freeze - I
HAD TO - they were in the living room.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1966
Our kitchen is equipped with life boats...which I use every time I defrost.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1966
The last time I defrosted the refrigerator the Pacific Ocean went up 3
feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1967
My refrigerator is so full of food I have hardly any room for the laundry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1967
Fang has heartburn so bad I use him to defrost the refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
We had a kerosene refrigerator -- nothing was cold -- except the stove.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Singing on show Street - they finally found my range - its just left of the
stove - in the kitchen.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Appliances
Phyllis Gag
1966
Vacuum Cleaner

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Appliances
Phyllis Gag
1965
I've got a freezer full of snowballs - and my mother has a drift in the
refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Appliances
Bill Fiore
1964
Guess who has been plugging the toaster into a telephone outlet every
morning? You have to wait for a dial tone before you can put the bread
in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Bill Fiore
1964
I had to call information the other day to find out where the iron was.

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Appliances
Bill Fiore
1964
She didn't know. It was unlisted.

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APPLIANCES
BILL FIORE
1964
BUT I'VE FINALLY FOUND A USE FOR THE VACUUM CLEANER. I
CALL ALL MY FRIENDS ON IT.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Old fashioned radiators - nothing but a
hot iron, heated by water (Paul Revere's
home-bed warmer).

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Vacuum hates a nature.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Refrigerator door -- pix of thin -- lower weight.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965

Guess where my brother is - In the dryer.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Guy reaching out for newspaper with vacuum cleaner attachment.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Did the whole act in the Freezer.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
(re car) Why not slam the door - it makes my refrigerator run.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
I have a whole freezer full of steaks from an airline.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
The stove broke and I heated his supper in the dryer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
I used to be so afraid of airplanes -- I wouldn't even have a pilot light on
my stove.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag

Had a sewing machine - run by a water wheel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag

We had a kerosene refrigerator -- nothing was cold -- except the stove.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
September 1964

At Goodwill -- I saw a mixer run by a water wheel.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
February, 1965

Lawn mower.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
February, 1965
Vacuum cleaner.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
February, 1965
Pressure cooker.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
September 1964
We had a kerosene refrigerator -- nothing was cold -- except the stove.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
July 11, 1967
Fang has heartburn so bad I use him to defrost the refrigerator.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
July 11, 1967
My refrigerator is so full of food I have hardly any room for the laundry.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
April 1, 1966
The last time I defrosted the refrigerator the Pacific Ocean went up 3
feet.

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Faucet makes a loud noise when it's turned on -- Play the faucet -
sometimes I do duets with the one upstairs that makes a noise in a
different key.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
unknown
Cold cash (in refrigerator).

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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
My check is in the refrigerator -- have you ever heard of frozen assets.

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Appliances
Phyllis Gag
1963
After he fixes something in the kitchen...you turn on the faucet...and the
refrigerator door flies open...hits the automatic can opener...and shreds
three blinds before you can turn the faucet off.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1963
Never forget the day I stuck a wet fork in a hot toaster...and saw God.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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APPLIANCES
Lillian Daniels
1964
Fang has so much food on his ties, he keeps them in the Refrig.

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APPLIANCES
Dorothy Borrillo
1964
I never complain about having to look at the 4 walls - I can't find them!
I'd never find a thing without the map.  First there's Mt. Everest - that's
the sink. (Raise hand to show stack of dishes.)

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APPLIANCES
Dorothy Borrillo
1964
And then there's Vesuvius - my stove!

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APPLIANCES
Dorothy Borrillo
1964
And between them is Death Valley! The refrigerator!

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APPLIANCES
Dorothy Borillo
1964
Then there's Niagara Falls - A nasty plumbing problem.

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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Violette I. Sealock
1964
She has a white wall spinning wheel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
My vacuum cleaner has a special attachment - for soaking up liquids.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

   

APPLIANCES
Stella Pevsner
1964

Complicated Appliances

He finally sold me a machine so simple a child could operate it. I've
never been so insulted. But I found a child to operate it - our oldest son -
a senior at M.I.T.! Of course he only gets home for the holidays, and the
laundry does pile up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Harold Emery
1964
Then he gripes about having to scrape the toast all the time. I say, "Well
fix the toaster! If the spring wasn't so strong, you wouldn't have to
scrape it off the ceiling like that!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Harold Emery
1964
We have the only stove in the country that has a "Destroy" button!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker
1964
I am beginning to wonder about Fang. The other day he attached a hose
to the exhaust pipe and asked me if I wanted to be the first one to drive
the world's largest vacuum cleaner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Ray Rieves
1964
To some people a can opener is just another gadget. To me it's a matter
of life or death.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Ray Rieves
1964
Fang gave me an electric can opener ... yesterday I cut the refrigerator
in half.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

                                                   APPLIANCES
Ray Rieves
1964
I would defrost the refrigerator, but
the door is frozen shut.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Ray Rieves
1965
I defrosted my refrigerator - six sheets melted. I don't dare defrost my
refrigerator, because of my ironing. (If I defrosted my refrigerator, I'd
have to iron.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
In fact I was inflated and deflated so often I started to feel like the bag on
the vacuum cleaner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Caroline La Fauci
1964
The only way I could really keep up with the funnies on TV is to have a
set installed in my oven!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Caroline La Fauci
1964
My neighbor won't speak to me anymore - I told her daughter to shut the
door and stay to hell out -- but I meant the refrigerator!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Jean Farris
1964
I wanted to trade my old dishwasher for a new one...But my lawyer said
I didn't have enough grounds for a divorce.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
1964
My oven has just one temperature control setting... Charred.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Larry DiGirolamo
1963
And transistor radios are big on the beach -- There's a radio repairman
standing by -- I don't recall his name -- I'm not familiar with Japanese.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Pat Swendsen
1964
My husband said "What do you want an automatic dishwasher for -- we
always eat off paper plates? but I said "Who wants to eat off DIRTY
paper plates?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Phyllis Gag
1964
Did you say -- Electric Indian blanket) - Whoever heard of an electric
Indian?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Bonnie W. Riggs
1964
It smoked so much one night while I was
burning dinner that I got lost -- I
started to stir the stew and found that
I was in the bathroom stirring my stockings soaking in the wash bowl.
Fang said:
They tasted too good for my stew.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
Those new light bulbs that kill insects are great.  I have one in my
refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
R. L. Parker
1964
We have to keep the temperature around 80 degrees for the bird. In the
winter the only place in our house that warm is the refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
R. L. Parker
1964
When I open the refrigerator door I'm
greeted with a "What'll you have?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Charles W. Parker
1965
One of the kids was going to run away from home but he couldn't lift the
refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker, V.S.M.
1965
Fang is mad at me. I tried to vulcanize my girdle on the waffle iron.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker
1965
(With gags about laundry in the refrigerator) Every once in a while Fang
says, "How about defrosting me a shirt?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee Kurtz
1965
I'd hang myself but my vacuum cord is broken.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Kenneth Mittelstadt
1965
I spray painted my gas stove with copper paint. This is very nice if you
are a celebrity and wear dark glasses all the time. It also helps if you
have a husband who drinks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Kenneth Mittlestadt
1965
I tried to hide it when he came in by standing in front of it, but who can
hide something that glows in the dark? Luckily, Fang came home stoned
and he actually like it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
What're you - tired of plumbing?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Ople Hoffman
1965
When I cleaned out the refrigerator, I found some vine covered cottage
cheese.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Dorothy Reynolds
1967
Do you know when I bought my stove they made me get a license to
possess a dangerous weapon?!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Dorothy Reynolds
1965
Someone asked Fang why our stove was so dented. He replied, "Those
aren't dents. They are notches for every one Phyllis kills."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker
1967
I defrosted the refrigerator and nine TV dinners got cancelled.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Lillian Daniels
1965
Fang buys me all the latest conveniences. Only yesterday he bought me
a Plastic pan to replace the heavy metal one under the icebox!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Ronald Zaccard
1966
(Subject House)
The other day I cleaned my stove and do you know what I found? Four
Burners!!! I was really surprised! For the past 10 years I thought it had
only two!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Bill Daley
1968
Her dryer broke out in flames one day, and she beat out the flames with
her husband.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Jack Knutson
1965
Fang is so cheap, my toaster is a fork and a book of matches.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gags
1966
Can't vacuum when it's turning cord comes out of plug.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mr. Harold Emery
1966
My grandmother had a stove that cost thirty dollars and burned
wood...I've got one that cost three hundred dollars and burns pork
chops.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Phyllis Gag
1964
I won a new garbage disposal unit - and a year's supply of garbage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Guy reaching out for newspaper with vacuum cleaner attachment.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker, V.S.M.
1967
I was going to get one of those new refrigerators on wheels, but I'm
afraid the kids would take it to bed with them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee Kurtz
1965
Our kitchen is equipped with life boats. Which we use every time I
defrost.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
New washer (automatic washer) you throw the clothes in, and the room
goes around.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Who warmed you up - Frigidaire?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Paul Altman
1965
I must be getting old.  I can remember when you said your battery was
dead and you were talking about your car and not your toothbrush.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
R. Walsh
1965
Fang won't use the vacuum cleaner any more because he heard
someone say nature abhors a vacuum, and he's afraid to take a chance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker
1965
Fang isn't speaking to me. I connected the pop-up toaster to his electric
blanket and it keeps throwing him out of bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Electrical contrivances - a wet umbrella I was carrying shorted out - 5 TV
-- hair.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Judy Philps
1965
Fang bought me a new clothes dryer - 50 feet of rope and a bag of pins!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Robt. Strozier, Jr.
1965
My husband bought me a lamp from driftwood. There's only one trouble.
You have to plug it into a beach.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
PHYLLIS GAG
1964
(Lamp) I've got a goose neck - did you notice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1966
I would have hung myself but my vacuum cord was broken.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
PHYLLIS GAG
1964
WARING BLENDER * DUNHILL LIGHTER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
My pilot light is so weak my stove disappeared.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

APPLIANCES
PHYLLIS GAG
1965

They're always giving me refrigerators - I have 7 in my living room.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
8 Electric razor 00 - shaved with the head cover on.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Our refrigerator - Nanook of the North - it has a personality.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
I love antiques - but not an antique refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

APPLIANCES
PHYLLIS GAG
1966

Big, beautiful, modern automat - with a man inside doing everything.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
John K. Young
1964
The other day we blew a fuse and I found out I'd forgotten how to brush
my teeth!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1965
Something going up vacuum.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
1968
I pulled out the stove and found an old repair man. He was in pretty
good condition - of course there's always plenty to eat behind the stove
just from explosions.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Gene R. Perret
1968
My family just chipped in and bought me a new stove. It flushes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Dorothy Reynolds
1968
When he bought my washing machine, he tried to get a trade-in
allowance on my wash board.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Joe Lucas
1968
The stove is so greasy, it slides all over the kitchen...one of the kids
drove it in a soap box derby...and won!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Greg Hoffman
1969
I told Fang to buy me an electric can opener, the idiot wanted to know
where I got electric cans.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mr. Ian O'Brien
1969
I've been given an automatic can opener ... but now I can't find any
automatic can.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1969
If the safety pin had been invented today instead of long ago, it would
have six moving parts, two transistors and require a serviceman.
    Press-Telegram, Long Beach, California
    Submitted by Eugene Dirkman.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1969
My driving is so bad! A vacuum cleaner got away from me once. The
cat's still in the bag!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1969
Our IBM computer just gave birth to a typewriter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Orben Gag
1969
Don't forget...June is "Cordless Electric Month". So take a little shaver to
lunch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
1970
My vacuum has been standing in the living room so long that one of the
"dumb kids" has been taking bagpipe lessons on it for three months.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
GENE R. PERRET
1968
Our vacuum cleaner is 300 pounds overweight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Gene R. Perret
1968
My family just chipped in and bought me a new stove. It flushes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Joseph R. Stodgel
1970
My stove is a special model. It has a fire alarm!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Gene Perret
1968
I had to call a repairman four times for our garbage disposal. He told me
the thing was mechanically perfect ... it just kept gagging.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Gene Perret
No. 199
I bought a very expensive tape recorder. When I talk into it, it corrects
me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1971
The electric eye in my garage wears glasses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1971
I'm just greasin' what squeaks the loudest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1971
I have one refrigerator door ... that makes me look thin. (The Reflection).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1971
(Daylight Savings Time Change)
My alarm clock is a rooster. I wound his tail up for an hour earlier but he
didn't cock-a-doodle-doo. He didn't even cock-a-doodle-doo-doo.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Bob Walton
1972
Yesterday the dog fell into the trashmasher.  He looks like a throw rug
with a license.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Orben
1973
Remember when kids used to pick up extra money clearing sidewalks?
Now you hand them a snow shovel and they want to know where to plug
it in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
My dryer broke - Fang came home and found me with my head in the
oven -- boy did he make promises - he promised me a Jaguar - it came
today - it bit me -- and ate the cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
unknown
The stove broke and I heated his supper in the dryer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1963
Heating pad -- hot, medium, and fry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1963
Rainbow in the kitchen.. mixer run by waterwheel... and vapors! -- every
pore says hello.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Edward J. Beckwith
1968
I burn so much toast our toaster has a trap door for ashes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
1964
Dinner for guests - I even left the vacuum cleaner running.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Phyllis Gag
unknown
Creative housewifery -- stove broke -- eat it - it's lint.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Orben Gags
1968
I bought a toaster that was so shoddy, the warranty was in disappearing
ink!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Orben Gag
1968
The whole idea of Planned Obsolescence is that nothing is made to last.
Nothing! Automobiles, washing machines, marriages or money!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Orben Gag
1968
Now she wants manufacturers to tell consumers how long an appliance
will last.  I could tell her that myself. Two minutes longer than the final
payment!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Bill Daley
1968
My dishwasher was costing me a fortune for service.  Then I found out it
was a dryer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Eugene R. Perret
1968
I had to call a repairman four times for our garbage disposal.  He told
me the thing was mechanically perfect...it just kept gagging.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Eugene R. Perret
1968
I'll give you an idea what the family thinks of my cooking.  Last year they
chipped in and bought me an oven.....that flushes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
Fang always buys the cheapest makes of appliances.  With this kind he
buys instead of getting a Warranty, you get a Warning.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Bill Daley
1968
I got a sewing machine for Christmas but I can't make it work.  All the
instruction book talks about is something called thread.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
I got a new stove today.  The first thing I did was take the bulb out of the
oven.  It's too depressing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
We have a brown refrigerator.  Somebody spilled prune juice on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
There are so many fingerprints on my refrigerator door, the FBI wants it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Vernon Bacon
1964
I only defrost the refrigerator when I run out of cereal bowls.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
MaryAgnes Lidell
1964
He calls our refrigerator the 'Botulism Box'.. Just because I've warned
everyone not to eat anything that isn't dated!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Larry DiGirolamo
1964
I have a gooseneck(lamp)... did you notice?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Bill Daley
1968
Mrs. Clean came over to borrow my electric carving knife.  She had to
wait until Fang was through with his poached eggs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Rosemarie Diehm
1964
"Come on, one of you did it.  Now tell me, who put the cat in the
refrigerator?"  "What do you mean...I did not."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Donald O. Michau
1964
He bought me a pair of Early American lamps -- and a five gallon can of
kerosene!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Joe Lucas
1964
Our faucet needs a new washer, but plumbers are so expensive, it's
cheaper to have a well dug in the backyard.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
1965
I'm considered the Marlene Dietrick of the vacuum cleaner set.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Mabel Luckow
1964
I never clean my refrigerator 'til everything starts tasting like dill pickles.
Then I just throw out the dill pickles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
1965
I have a souped-up vacuum cleaner.  Darling it takes down walls.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker, V.S.M.
1967
The disposal unit in the kitchen is broken so I just toss the garbage into
the exhaust fan. (etc.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Charles W. Parker, V.S.M.
1967
My kitchen has the greatest little work-saving appliance ever
invented...a pitcher of martinis.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary Agnes Lidell
1964
I play several instruments .. the washing machine, the dishwasher, the
garbsge disposal...and electric can-opener!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Eugene R. Perret
1964
The women are used to these things because you use them day in and
day out, but we men just aren't familiar with them.  As a matter of fact, I
used up a whole box of matches trying to light the pilot light on the
stove.  I finally had to give in and call the man from the Gas Company.
He solved my problem in a minute.  He called an electrician.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
1964
When the day comes that my refrigerator is raided, it'll be by the Health
Dept.!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary Agnes Lidell
1964
I've been doing a lot of TV guest spots.  One friend called today she'd
seen me on everything but her 'pop-up' toaster!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
December Lee
1964
I broke the kids from raiding the icebox... I keep an alligator in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1964
The refrigerator really needed defrosting.  There was frost on the
outside.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Bonnie W. Riggs
1964
"Now take my stove -- I never clean it.  In fact, once a month I just turn
burners on and have dinner from whatever warms up around them -- it's
sort of like pizza!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
First time I de-frosted the refrigerator the whole kitchen floated away.
(Cause I'd been married three years)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
George Jay Bloom
1964
So anyway, I washed the dishes and died 'em in the toaster.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Anne R. Clark
1964
She leaves the vacuum in the living room and when someone comes to
the door she turns it on.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
R.L. Parker
1964
I turned the vacuum cleaner on one time -- years ago -- without warning
the termites and the whole room went in the bag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Anne R. Clark
1964
I am 39 and I have four kids and a vacuum cleaner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Leon Marshall
1964
My interior decorator did my home over in true Early American.  He took
out the refrigerator and put in an ice box.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee Kurtz
1964
I'd clean my oven but I can't get the door open.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
N.E. Coan
1963
My husband said he wanted something that keeps his feet warm at
night.  But I haven't seen any toasters with holes large enough to get his
feet in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Richard Mason
1964
I bought a screwdriver so Fang can fix my toaster.  He fixed it once.  It
still won't toast but it picks up police calls.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
I'd defrost the refrigerator if I could find it.  (I'd do my ironing but I can't
find the refrigerator.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Jean Farris
1963
Nowadays when a woman says she has complete control of her
husband, she's usually referring to their electric blanket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
1963
My refrigerator hasn't been defrosted in so long that even Admiral Byrd
wouldn't have the nerve to open the door.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
1963
My refrigerator hasn't been de-frosted in so long that a family of
penguins lives there.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Mrs. Mabel Luckow
1964
Fang's idea of getting me a new washing machine is to move upstream.
I wouldn't mind so much, but I've got to go clear down to New Orleans
every time I clean out the lint filter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

APPLIANCES
Dee Holmberg
1964
My family really loves RICH FOOD. I'm probably the only woman in town
who uses her washing machine to ship cream. ^[[WHIP]]

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APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1963
The refrigerator broke today and froze things solid. Everybody had two
slices of chocolate milk for lunch.

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APPLIANCES
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1963
My kitchen stove is so full of grease - the pots and pans keep sliding off.

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APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1963
Actually I suppose I shouldn't drive a car - I lose control of the vacuum
cleaner.

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APPLIANCES
Mary McBride
1963
The man from the Power and Light reads the meter by appointment
only. He saw me once without my wig and fainted. He thought I was Mr.
Clean.

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APPLIANCES
Shirlee Kurtz
1964
I'll get caught up with the wash soon as Fang fixes the crank on my
washing machine.

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APPLIANCES
Jack Borden
1964
The last time I defrosted my refrigerator - the Missouri River rose 4 feet.

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APPLIANCES
Jack Borden
1964
It's been so long since I defrosted my refrigerator - the National
Geographic wants to feature it in their Igloo Series.

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Appliances
Gloria Pack
1964
My room is so cold that my electric blanket has a blanket.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Wilfred Beaver
1964
When a salesman tried to sell his deep freezer with a hard-sell: "This
freezer will pay for itself, ma'am." I smiled and said: "Okay, when it does,
just have it delivered to me."

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Appliances
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
1964
Fang decided to fix all the plumbing and appliances in our house to save
money! Did a great job. The only place we have hot water at our house
is in the ice cube tray.

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ARGUMENTS
PHYLLIS GAG
1990
The only time I said "No"--I didn't understand the question.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENTS
R. ORBEN
1987
Sure I'm a nervous wreck.
Did you ever see a calm one?

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
One night last week we had the loveliest pot roast. I hit Fang in the
stomach with the steam iron.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
Ours is a perfect marriage because we both enjoy the same thing -
hating each other.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
Fang isn't speaking to me. I made him a submarine sandwich and one of
the torpedoes went off in his stomach.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene Perret
1964
Fang has made Moby Dick the official arbitrator of our arguments. That's
like making Count Dracula the watchman at the blood bank.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene Perret
1964
There's only one time in her life she admitted her son was wrong. The
day he married me.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene Perret
1964
And that's the only time in my life I've ever agreed with her.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
1964
The neighbors had their regular weekly brawl. This morning they
patched things up. The furniture, the wall, the windows.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Dorothy Borrillo
1964

I told him if he insists on having the last word, he'll have to say it with his
last breath.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Carol Levinson
1964

Fang is sick and tired of arguing with our son over borrowing the family
car. The next time he wants it, Fang says he's just going to take it.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
P. K. Stein
1964

Fang came home with a black eye. Said he drove through a red light
and a guy beat him up for arguing. I said, "Why didn't you call a cop?"
He said, "He was a cop."

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Edwina Blyth
1964

My boy is a real scrapper, always fighting with the neighborhood boys. I
never know when he's going to come bursting into the house after
school yelling, "Look Ma, I've got 21% fewer teeth!"

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Emily Miller
1964
I kicked Fang and said, "Get up and switch off the light." He pulled the
covers off me and said, "Get up and switch it off yourself." It's obvious -
we would rather fight than switch.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1963
Fang and I don't communicate too well. One day we argued for two
hours before we realized we were on the same side.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
John W. Snider
1964
I saw two brothers fighting in a mud puddle yesterday. This proves mud
is thicker than water.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
John W. Snider
1964
A man was arrested in Michigan last week for hitting his wife on the
head 15 times after taking 76 swings at her with a baseball bat. Any
baseball fan can tell you that anyone with a .197 batting average
deserves to be arrested.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
Fang has the cutest nickname for me. Calls me John Paul Jones. When
we left after our wedding I said to him, "I have just begun to fight!"

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ARGUMENT
Ople Hoffman
1964
My kids fight so much, the boxing commission made me a licensed
referee.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1964
Once I read when the kids start to fight, give them a bath and it will ease
the tension. Our water bill for the month was $85.00.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
R. Walsh
1964
Fang and I had a fight, and he was still mad. He gave me a hard look. "I
got married once too often." "This is your first marriage!" I snapped. "I
know it."

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Leon Marshall
1964
Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it weren't for marriage, husbands
and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Leon Marshall
1964
There must be some significance in the fact that when a man tells his
wife to go to the devil she goes straight home to mother.

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ARGUMENT
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
When our kids fight at the table it really spins. It's a big wooden Lazy
Susan.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Larry DiGirolamo
1964
When Fang and I fight, his mother acts as a go-between. She's so big,
it's a wonder she can go between anything.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Jerry Mayer
1964
Fang has built a wall between us over the years. Of course, I'm the one
who put the broke glass on top of it.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Jerry Mayer
1964
The only thing that has kept the violence out of our marriage is that
neither of us can stand being called "Killer Diller."

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ARGUMENT
Leon Marshall
1964
I just figured out why Fang and I don't get along. We have nothing in
common to fight about.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1964
Kids.
One kid was screaming, and the other one said, "Aw, I was just tickling
him." I said, "On his eyeball?"

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ARGUMENT
Nonnee Coan
1964
There we had our first argument in a canoe on our honeymoon.  Fang
wanted me to bail the water out.  I refused, but we made up later while
swimming ashore.

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ARGUMENT
N.E. Coan
1964
I know a doctor's wife that listens in on the conversation in the next
apartment, but they argue in such a low voice, she uses her husband's
stethoscope.

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ARGUMENT
N. E. Coan
1964
Fang and I used to have an act together.  It was called improvisation.
We'd just argue.

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ARGUMENT
N.E. COAN
1964
INCIDENTALLY, I WON!

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ARGUMENT
N.E. Coan
1964
The audience would select what we were to argue about and it sounded
like we were home. But in the act, he wanted equal time.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Sharon Schulte
1964
Fang and I respect each others dignity even when we fight.  We put
down a set of rules to follow when we fight -- no biting and no spiting.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Leon Marshall
1964
Fang and I had a terrible argument about hiring a maid to help with the
housework. Truthfully, I don't think he needs a maid.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Evelyn Gimigliano
1964
My son came home with a black eye once. I reminded him he should
have counted to ten before losing his temper. He said he did and while
he was counting, the other kid hit him.

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ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1964
All my kids do is fight. The other day one of my kids said: "Can I have a
nickel for ammunition?"

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ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1964
They say the Civil War was the only war in which brother fought against
brother. They ought to be at our table sometime when I accidentally give
one kid more juice than the rest. What a commotion! It's like throwing a
cat into a room full of German Shepherds.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1964
And I'm so careful! I measure the juice like a bartender during the
depression.

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ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1964
And when I finally get everybody organized and settled down something
always happens... the doorbell rings and all the kids fight to answer it.
And it's always something silly; like 30¢ postage on the milk.

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ARGUMENT
Mr. R. Matteson
1965
Fang and I never fight. If I get mad and hit him, he bites. Have you ever
been bitten with one two inch tooth? I've got 6 navels.

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ARGUMENT
Florence Williams
1965
When he's at home, they make the Bickersons sound like love birds.

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ARGUMENT
Don Miner
1964
We never patch up old quarrels; we start new ones.

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ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
One day I decided to fine them a penny for every fight they had.  By
bedtime 3 bicycles had second mortgages.

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ARGUMENT
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
1964
The neighbors had their regular weekly brawl. This morning they
patched things up ... the furniture, the wall, the windows.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Uncle Milt Sens
1965
Fang and I had a little tiff. The next morning I discovered that Fang had
hidden the bathroom. Our argument was that I had stuffed bacon grease
into Fang's pipe to kill the smell of old tennis sneakers he was smoking,
(that's his

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ARGUMENT
Uncle Milt Sens
1965
brand.) He didn't notice the bacon grease for 3 weeks. He thought the
stove had caught fire again. If stupidity takes the cake, Fang would own
a bakery.

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ARGUMENT
Ople Hoffman
1967
The neighbors call our front walk the warpath.

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ARGUMENT
Edward J. Beckwith
1967
I got in an argument with Fang the other night, at the dinner table. He
was complaining about my cooking.  Well, I assume that's what he was
complaining about. I couldn't really understand him the way he was
clutching his throat.

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ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1967
Then the kids always fight over who's going to scrape the bowl.  They all
have loose plaster in their rooms.

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ARGUMENT
Bill Daley
1967
We had to quit eating by candlelight. I thought the kids were fighting
over who got to light them. But it was who got to eat them.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUEMENT
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
1964
It burns me up when the family fights to clear off the table -- When we
haven't eaten yet!

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ARGUMENT
Pete Toscano
1965
Whenever I have an argument with Fang, we send the kids out for ice
cream. We have the fattest kids on the block.

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ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
Lunch at home is the worst because they feel they have to fight fast.

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ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
I don't like to say my girls fight, but last night I was thankful neither one
of them had "the bomb."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
They really fight. They've each got a mind of their own which would be
all right if they each had a house of their own. (All five kids.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Florence Williams
1965
I encourage Fang's golfing, I like to see him tee off at something besides
me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
N. E. Coan
1965
If you want a happy married life with few arguments, push your twin
beds together, but make sure there's a wall between them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Bill Daley
1967
An he's so belligerant. It took me ten minutes to convince him the
cheerleaders weren't yelling [[underline]] at him [[/underline]].

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
Always hollering.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
They fight so much at mealtime, we've got 10 leaves in the table to keep
them apart. One kid eats in Idaho - of course - he likes potatoes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Dorothy Reynolds
1967
The neighbors had another heated argument last night. He tried to throw
here in the furnace again.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
PHYLLIS GAG
UNKNOWN
SHE COULD START A FIGHT IN AN EMPTY ROOM.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Edward J. Beckwith
1967
You don't think Fang would hang up my coat for me. The only time he
holds it is when I'm fighting.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Ople Hoffman
1967
Bob Hope heard about the battles at our house and included it on his
Christmas tour.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Dorothy Reynolds
1965
I asked my neighbor if her bad tempered husband was upset when she
bought a new dress. She said, "In a way, but then, I can always cover
up the bullet hole with a scarf or a pin."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Lillian Daniels
1965
One of the worst arguments we ever had was when Fang blew his stack
over a new pair of Alligator shoes - I was BAREFOOT!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1965
Fang and I were shouting things over.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Marc London
1965
He only wakes up to eat. We had a big fight last Sunday when I forgot to
wake him in time for his nap.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Marc London
1965
He was so mad he ran out of the house yelling he was going to his club.
He forgot, he doesn't belong to a club.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Lillian Daniels
1965
Fang won't argue with me any more, he just keeps saying that he'd
rather Switch than Fight!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1968
Some girls make up with their husbands by wearing a transparent
negligee. The way I'm built, it's hard to tell whether that's making up or
starting a new argument.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1968
The neighbors used to complain about our fighting, but now they like it.
Our picture window was sold out last year for the playoffs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1968
That's why Fang bough a house with a spare bedroom. It's not that he
sleeps in it; it gives him another door to slam.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1968
He gets very dramatic during our fights. He's always afraid I'm going to
poison his food. How silly can he get? Even if I had poison, I wouldn't
know how to cook it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Eugene R. Perret
1968
It's hard to believe how we physically tighten up. Last week my girdle
slipped off.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
I feel like disturbing the peace tonight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Jean Markarian
1966
He was so drunk and insisted on driving ... The cabdriver charged
$10.00 extra for the arguing time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Jean Markarian
1966
He said whata mean too drunk to drive ... look at all those cars passing
me. The idiot was driving in reverse on a one way street.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
Fights -- martial bliss - I mean marital bliss - just a little in-fighting - with
dishes - but I mend them - got a cup and saucer together wrong - we
had the saucer on our block with a handle - but why not - he drinks out
of it - I asked

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

[[stamped]]ARGUMENT[[/stamped]]
Phyllis Gag
1964
him - why don't you drink out of the cup like you're supposed to? He
says the spoon goes up his nose - He's got a lot of class.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Don Miner
1965
We're always fighting - for the past 2 weeks we've been eating our
dinner in silence - except for the soup.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1968
After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a man can do
is to apologize. (Danny Kaye)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
It's a mosaic - made of broken dishes - they were broken during a
discussion.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
Who ever heard of a cardboard fight - I had one! I had this card - an ace
- and he threw the board at me!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Phyllis Gag
1964
Refute - reciting.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Orben Gag
1967
I had a terrible argument with the landlord. He called my wife a dumb
blonde.  She's not a blonde!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Phyllis Gag
1964
Don't you lower your voice to me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Phyllis Gag
1964
Don't you raise your voice to me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Phyllis Gag
1964
Barn - argued 10 years whether to repair it or tear it down - while they
were arguing it blew away.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Argument
Phyllis Gag
1964
A cup of water at a time - the house is on fire (mad at Fang).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
1968
She is such a pacifist she wouldn't even do a cross-word puzzle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
George Tricker & Chris Smith
1969
Fang and I argue so much, we go to separate marriage counselors!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
You talk about a groaning board (groan sound.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
Why do you call him Fang? His name is Sherwood Anderson Diller - and
by the time I get thru that - I've cooled off.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
1969
We haven't had a really big argument since the fire - that was the first
meal I cooked.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1969
An argument is when two people are trying to get in the last word first.

Grit Magazine
Submitted by Thomas La Mance

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1970
Our marriage wasn't all bad . . . we never went to bed mad. One year we
were up for 9 months.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
The neighbors used to complain about our fighting but now they like it.
Our picture window was sold out last year for the playoffs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
That's why Fang bought a house with a spare bedroom. It's not that he
sleeps in it; it gives him another door to slam.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
Someday I'm going to take up family camping, start a fight and watch
him develop an ulcer trying to figure out how to slam a tent flap.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
He gets very dramatic during our fights. He's always afraid I'm going to
poison his food. How silly can he get? Even if I had poison, I wouldn't
know how to cook it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
Some girls make up with their husbands by wearing a transparent
negligee. The way I'm built it's hard to tell whether that's making up or
starting a new argument.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Gene Perret
1968
I have five kids that do nothing but fight with each other. We tried
separating them one summer. They fight by mail.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
You'd think he was losing his citizenship (someone making a big fuss).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
The pen is mightier than the sword - OK - let's fight with pens (a duel).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Bill Daley
1965
When the police came the man I hit didn't put up one argument.  He had
an apple in his mouth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parket
1965
The last time Fang and I agreed on anything was when we both said
"Yes" at our wedding.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
We started a big argument in the middle of a peace conference.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1964
Most people fight with their family -- I fight with strangers - it's a good
way to get acquainted.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971
Fang and I had a fight. The doctor's nurse said, "Who wants to go in
first? Black Eye or Bruised Knuckles?"
From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971
(At marriage counselor) Fang: "The argument started over nothing at all
... her mother!"
From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971

Fang: (At marriage counselor) "I'd be happy to get back to the point
where we weren't speaking to each other."

From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971

Fang explaining his black eye to a friend. He says, "I ran into a door
Phyllis was slamming."

From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971

Fang comes home. There is a can of beans and an opener on the table
which he doesn't see.  The house is empty. Fang says, "Sorry about that
argument we had this morning, Phyllis. What's for supper?"

From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971

Fang has a black eye from a fight at a party. Upon leaving, Phyllis says,
"You certainly fixed him ... his fist will be sore for a week."
FROM: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Gag
1971
Fang at breakfast table: "I'd say 'Good morning' if I was sure it wouldn't
start an argument."
From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Phyllis Diller
1972
Do we fite! Every nite -- it's like a cease fire.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Orben Gag
1973
When your argument is going badly -- Tell me, how can you get
cornered at a round table discussion?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Bill Daley
1968
If Fang and I ever got a divorce there would be a terrible custody fight.
Neither of us want the children.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Roy Louviere
1964
Fang and I were out riding one day and I ran into this car with another
couple in it. Fang and the guy got into a terrific argument. Fang finally
yelled, "Oh yeah? Well, my wife can lick your wife!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 05:42:16

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

ARGUMENT
Larry DeGirolamo
1964
Fang can't wait for me to leave the earth's atmosphere ... he says that
should clear the air (once and for all.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1964

When we travel with the kids this is the way we figure the mileage. How
many miles to a fight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Jean Farris
1964

Something we've always wondered about: When a manicurist marries a
dentist, do they fight tooth and nail?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Leon Marshall
1964

The height of incompatibility  - when a yes-man meets a no-girl.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
I shut up quick when Fang threatens me with the stapler.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Bill Daley
1964
This accident had to happen just when Fang was getting over being
angry about my golf. You should see me on a golf course. Everybody
loses a lot of balls. But I set some sort of a record. I lost 3 clubs and 2
caddies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Roy Louviere
1964
During the fight I grabbed up one of his golf clubs and took out after him.
Even then Old Big Mouth had to correct me! He said, "You ought to be
using a mashie."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Roy Louviere
1964
Fang and I got into a big argument one day. I yelled, "I'll make you eat
those words! Fang said, "As I was saying -- Rib-eye steak! -- Broiled
lobster! -- Pizza Pie! -- Oysters Rockefeller! -- Chocolate cake!..."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[stamped]]ARGUMENT[[/stamped]]
Leon Marshall
1964
Never waste household scraps. Open the windows and let the neighbors
hear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Nonnee Coan
1964
He got into a terrible argument with a taxi driver. He gave him directions
to his destination his own way. He drove.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Jim Pearson
1964
He won't discuss anything with me any more because every time we
discuss something sensibly, he loses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Don Brockett
1964
Fang's mother took one look at me and said, "Choose your weapon."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
R.L. Parker
1964
He has always said that when your wife won't fight with you -- you have
a stalemate.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
December Lee
1964
We send the kids to church every Sunday... so we can fight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Joe Lucas
1964
Fang is afraid to argue with me.  In fact he is so afraid to open his mouth
- I feed him intravenously.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Marjorie R. Simons
1964
I'll tell you why I don't get mad at Fang when he jumps down my throat.
It's the only exercise he gets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
R. Walsh
1964
When I said I was going in for spats, Fang was all for it.  He said spats
instead of the big fights we have now, would be an improvement.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Mrs. Nonie Biggs
1964
"Boy, the folks in the next apartment sure had one big celebration the
other night.  They hollered and pounded on the walls until 2 a.m."  But,
they didn't awaken me as luckily I was up anyway, practicing on my
tuba."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Dick DeBartolo
1964
I remember our first fight too ... it was during the wedding ceremony.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
unknown
unknown
For awhile, Fang annoyed and agitated me so much I grew a PEARL!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Dick Schweitzer
1963

For six months they had a hand-to-mouth existence -- he kept hitting her
in the mouth with his hand.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1963

The minute I get home we start to fight. I don't feel like I'm entering a
house -- it seems more like an arena.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Nonnee Coan
1963

He will never grow up. Runs into the kitchen for a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich right in the middle of our pillow fight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
DICK SCHWEITZER
1963
(CUTE INTRODUCTION OF TWO PEOPLE) FROM THE WAY YOU
WEREN'T SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D
MET BEFORE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
MARY MCBRIDE
1963
WE REALLY FIGHT.  A COUNSELOR THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT
OUR MARRIAGE ONCE WAS UP FOR THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Shirlee Kurtz
1963
Fang and I never fight -- it's called co-existence.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
N. Coan
1964
We finally feathered our nest.  We had a pillow fight in our bedroom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
Fang is mad at me.  He caught me putting Benzedrine in his Sanka.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
P. K. Stein
1964
Fang and I agreed each of us should tell the other all our faults. That's
why we haven't talked to one another for the last 3 years.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
P. K. Stein
1964
We have bunk beds.  Mine in the attic, Fangs in the basement.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Dorothy Borrillo
1964
Fang and I fight - but we don't kiss and make up.  Kiss!  Ich!  And make-
up would never cover the splints.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Shirlee C. Kurtz
1964
Fang had the funniest fight the other night - he got tangled up in the
lawn chair.  The lawn chair won.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
We were married by a Justice of the Peace and I haven't had any since,
(and that was the last time I had any.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Mary McBride
1964
He fights with everybody. He had a big fight with the Gas Company  --
he had a fight with the oil man. We now heat with liniment.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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[[stamped]]ARGUMENT[[/stamped]]
Mary McBride
1963
Fang and I have never gone to bed mad. Of course, one time we stayed
up for 3 months.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
When you've been married as long as I have, who's going to worry
about nuclear warfare?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Charles W. Parker
1964
We fight like cats and dogs, and I wish he's stop chasing me up into
trees.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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ARGUMENT
Don Miner's Comedy Service
1964
We had our first big fight before [[underline]] we were married - You see,
I wanted a big church wedding and he wanted - to back out.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 2, Part 1
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