reddit_mentalhealth_sample.csv

subreddit,content
Anxiety,"My #1 biggest fear is death. Losing my consciousness. Ever since I was little I have always entertained myself through my own weird and sometimes creative thoughts. And I always find myself having full conversations and discussions in my own head. And I think my biggest fear is losing all of that. Losing my consciousness. I can’t comprehend what it’s like to *not exist*, I just can’t imagine it. Losing all of the interactions and times with my loved ones. It’s fucking scary. I just think that whenever I die, I’m gonna feel like my life has been cut short, and my last minutes of consciousness will be regret. There’s just no way I can see myself living without any regret. I would love to, but I will regret losing my family and friends to death. It’s the scariest thing I can think of. Not existing. Like, no matter what, you always have your own thoughts, that’s the one thing almost every human is guaranteed, thoughts. But to just all of a sudden not have that, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Like, what the fuck? You always have to like, be somewhere, you have to think of something. Where was my consciousness before I was born? Where will it be when I’m gone?"
Anxiety,"Trying my 4th med out soon. The first 3 anxiety meds just made me worse (Buspar, Zoloft, Lexapro) but next week im trying Celexa. Lowest dose possible. Im also doing Gabapentin this week to see if it helps keep me calm. Any experiences with Celexa? Id love to hear."
Anxiety,"Nauseated when thinking about a holiday How can I deal with the nausea? Just talking about a trip makes me feel ill and I worry about feeling ill on the trip and how that will make me feel and I feel more sick.
Any help or tips for this"
Anxiety,"Angerxiety? Does anyone else experience anger alongside their anxiety? There are certain situations where along with feeling incredibly anxious, I am furious. Full of rage, none of which I can express 😔"
Anxiety,"No idea how to deal with new anxiety For as long as I can remember, I have never been an anxious person or anything, in fact I used to roll my eyes at people who would use mental health/anxiety as an excuse because I just couldn’t comprehend why they didn’t move on from it. 

Then, right before Christmas, I hit the bong with my roommates (normal night) and I had a full blown panic attack that lasted for hours. It fucked me up for a couple of days, I cried, etc and then I kinda went back to normal... and then two months later I decided to hit the bong again. My logic was “fuck it, weed is supposed to relax you/it used to make me feel so good!” Another panic attack happened, of course. 

Ever since the second one I’ve been having chest pains, and even after two doctors trips, one to urgent care, one to my PCP, where they confirmed there wasn’t anything wrong, I still have been struggling. First it was simply while going to bed but now I constantly am getting twinges and stuff and I keep imagining the symptoms of a heart attack. I have hypertension too, despite only being 19 and being physically active most of the year from sports, which makes me go even crazier. 

I think that somehow THC or whatever changed/activated some hormone or chemical for anxiety. It’s to the point now where I start worrying if I DONT feel uncomfortable or have twinges. I just don’t know what to do, especially in light of COVID where I can’t see or really want to go see a doctor. Right now, I’m so tired but I can’t sleep because I’ve convinced myself that I’m going to die in my sleep. I can’t focus on anything and I’m doing the bare minimum to maintain my social/school life at the moment. 

I guess what I was wondering was if 1.) anyone else can relate to this kind of experience and 2.) how can I start dealing with this. I have a journal that I write in but it only does so much. I appreciate any response, and thank you for reading all of this :)"
Anxiety,"Paranoia I was wondering if anyone experiences something similar to what I have been going through. I am constantly paranoid that my wife doesn’t love me, that I’m not good enough for her and she is going to cheat on me. I talk with her openly about my paranoia and I logically understand that she loves me and isn’t cheating, but the false narrative in my head is so loud and consistent. Even though I recognize that my thoughts don’t align with reality, the emotions I feel because of my paranoid thoughts are very real and exhausting. I feel like I am spending all of my mental energy everyday fighting these thought patterns. I then spiral down a rabbit hole that even though these things aren’t true that they will become true because my paranoia will create a self fulfilling experience. Does this type of thinking resonate with anyone? I feel so alone in my head."
Anxiety,Zoloft Hey guys I need some encouragement. I been on 25 mg of zoloft since may but my doctor wants to up it to 50 mg. I’m scared to take it. What was your experience upping doses I don’t wanna have bad side effects
Anxiety,"How i basically reduced 80% of my anxiety. TLDR at the bottom. 

Soo after the virus thing happened i was super anxious not neceseraly becouse i was scared of the virus, my general anxiety just skyrocketed and it became more and more obvious that i have an anxiety disorder. 

I had an option to go straight to benzodiazepines but i tried other stuff which i happy i did, becouse it helped me alot and i dont need benzos no more.

(im not saying you should quit benzos, if they help you props to you i just wasnt ready for that , its my personal option not trying to shame or blame anyone.)
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First thing i did - I quit caffeine. Almost.
I always was a big coffee drinker, never realised how much more anxious coffee made me, i was drinking 4-6 cups a day and i wanted even more !

So first i quit caffeine entirely for 5days, and then i just started to drink 1 cup of very weak coffee a day, not in the morning tho, more like 4pm.

If you drink coffee and youre anxious and u never tried to quit it, i suggest to give it a shot, alot of people will feel alot better simply by quitting coffee. 

___________________________________________________

Other things i did - Supplements!


I researched every possible supplement for anxiety and i ordered the best ones in my opinion.

My stack consists of - L theanine <i drink it with every cup of coffee, 400mg.> Ashwagandha ksm66 extract, Taurine, Magnesium citrate.
___________________________________________________

Opinion about:
L theanine - I like it, i like it with coffee especially, removes the possible anxiety from caffeine, also helps me focus without much physical stimulation
(who the hell needs physical stimulation when we are all stuck inside the house all day.)

AshwagandhaKSM66- Very good supplement, makes me alot less anxious i drink 2 capsules every morning and i love it, i feel noticable effects.

Magnesium Citrate - Veryyy good supplement, didnt believe the first time i took it, really made me alot less anxious, more collected and even more motivated? Very good, i recommend this over everything else if ur only going to buy 1 of those supplements.

Taurine - i just recently received it, and i can say this one is also very good, i feel like if i would be super anxious and i took a higher dose (like 3500mg) i would totally become calm, i had an episode of more anxiety when i drank 3 cups of coffee cuz i was trying to stay up later and Taurine really made me chill.

<([ALSO DONT BREATHE INTO YOUR CHEST, BREATHE WITH YOUR BELLY, IF THIS IS CONFUSING JUST LOOK IT UP ON YOUTUBE!!])> 
___________________________________________________

And the last thing i did - Mindfull Meditation.
I just watched a couple of videos on youtube on how to do it, and just started doing it. Im not going to get in depth about it, just look it up.

I meditate every evening (u can do morning, my anxiety just piles up in the evening from all day of thinking) 15minutes isnt much at all, but every time after i meditate i become veeery chill and my mind becomes alot more empty of all the trash i would be thinking, makes me calmly watch a few episodes of some series on netflix, and easily fall asleep after.
___________________________________________________

[tl;dr - meditation, l theanine, ashwagandha ksm66, magnesium citrate, taurine, belly breathing, cutting off coffee.]

If anyone has questions, i always reply. Hope this helps atleast 1 person, good luck guys and i hope 0 anxiety for yall!"
Anxiety,DAE really like to shower when they’re anxious A lot of times you read about people suffering from depression having a hard time willing themself to shower. When I’m anxious or going through a depressive episode I’ll shower once or twice a day cause I feel like it helps calm me down (really drys out my skin tho). 
Anxiety,"My boyfriend is a very anxious person but since starting university it’s gotten so bad he barely sleeps and tells me he feels like he’s about to have a mental breakdown constantly. Hello, wasn’t sure where to ask this but thought maybe someone here might be able to help? 

So my boyfriend hasn’t been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I think if he went to the doctor they would definitely have something to say. He won’t. 

He’s always been fairly anxious about things. Always shaking his leg, picking at his skin, we went to a play once and he wasn’t sure if where he parked was ok, even though it was, and spent the entire play just worrying about where he parked. He’s like this with so many things. 

Now though I’m really worried about him. He’s in his second semester of a university where all the professors seem to think their class is the only class he’s taking and so they assign so much work. He’s not a native speaker so it’s hard for him sometimes and the work takes longer and definitely reflects he’s not a native speaker but he still does pretty well. 

However he’s been increasingly fixated on school. He feels anxiety when there’s no class because he feels that he’s missing class and assignments and will fail. He doesn’t really sleep anymore and is always checking for assignments. He said he feels that he can’t relax, can’t stop thinking about school and doing homework and worrying about grades or missing something to the point that he feels like he’s going to have a mental breakdown and has burnt himself out because he can’t see his breaks as a break.  

Maybe it doesn’t sound that serious but it’s enough that I’m really really worried about him.

As I said, he doesn’t want to go to a doctor. 

But is there any advice for him? Coping/management strategies? Relaxing methods? Anything? "
Anxiety,Turning past good memories into negative ones? Lately I’ve been thinking about memories from 5+ years ago and during that time they were happy memories. But for some reason I get anxious thinking about them and they start becoming clouded with embarrassment/anxiety. It makes me feel disconnected to my life. Has anyone had this before?
Anxiety,"Reoccurring dream TRIGGER WARNING 

I keep having the same fucked reoccurring dream every night
My best friend died in December just before the coronavirus outbreak so I was not able to go to his funeral as it was in Germany but he sleepwalked out a 4th story window and I keep having these dreams where I'm there in his room talking to him about cars and video games and all the usual shit and then we go to sleep and I wake you to him screaming hes fallen out the window and I could of pulled him up and saved him but I don't I just stand there and watch him and there's nothing I can do I try my hardest but there's nothing I can do and he always falls and I can't fucking sleep because I'm too fucking scared to see that shit again and I don't know what to do because I have them almost every night and I'm so scared to sleep 
Please help me"
Anxiety,"Trying to be a supportive partner - advice? \*\*Please be aware that this post contains the topic of suicide\*\*

My (32F) fiance (36M) suffered a mental health crisis mid last year and we are still faced with the aftermath of it all. At the time, I encouraged him to see a Dr and he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He told me recently that he tried to take his life several times last year and that he's only here because the attempts failed. I honestly don't even know how to deal with knowing this now but it absolutely broke my heart and I think about it and imagine it often and it honestly makes me feel so incredibly sad and hurt knowing he suffered that much.

Prior to having the breakdown, he worked away and earned good money. He has been unable to return to the job since and didn't work for around 6 months. I have a good job and earn good money so I have been keeping us afloat for around 7 months; he's recently started a casual job, but it doesn't offer stable hours and the money isn't great. He's now beginning to feel really low again because he doesn't have job security and good money coming in, but doesn't feel able to go and work away again and hasn't been able to find anything else.

I guess I just feel lost and unsure of how to best support him through this...do I let him set the pace? Do I encourage him to push himself? I just don't know. I've told him so many times that I'm happy to support us both and that he'll find his feet eventually but I think he's feeling pressure because we are supposed to be getting married later this year (was meant to be soon but we had to push it back) and had plans to start a family soon after. He keeps saying things like that I deserve better and more from him and I tell him I don't care about anything but being with him and that his health needs to be our number 1 priority, but I do wonder how we continue to build and grow together when we seem to be stuck at the moment.

I tried insisting that we go back to the Dr and look at medication options and to organise to talk to someone but he flat out refuses to do either. One of the Drs put him on anti-anxiety medication at the beginning of his crisis and it made things 100 times worse, he became dependent, had withdrawals etc...so he says no medication, not even for depression. He also says that talking to someone won't help him, he knows it will all be a waste of time and money and that the only thing that will help is to get another good job and earn good money. That's not how this all started though.

So, I guess what I'm asking...for people experienced in this sort of thing...how do I support him and is time really enough to recover from this? I want to help him, and I want our lives back on track and to continue moving forward together."
Anxiety,"How do you guys deal with a panic attack when you're falling asleep? I have them occasionally, I'm actually going through one right, it's so annoying "
Anxiety,"My arithmophobia is getting really annoying. Arithmophibia is the fear or dislike of certain numbers. It’s part of my OCD and it’s getting really, really annoying!"
Anxiety,"Anxiety win: Driving in bad weather! I’m from Texas and recently moved to Colorado last summer. This is my first winter here and we’ve finally had our hit of constant snow this week and it will continue through the weekend. The roads are slippery and visibility changes within the hour. I have tremendous anxiety about driving in any kind of bad weather, but snow really takes the cake (likely because I have experienced it much in my lifetime). 

I usually will avoid going anywhere due to the adversity of the weather but I had to take my cat to the vet today because she’s been sick the last few days and it was getting worse. It was only about a 15 minute drive to the vet and luckily they are off a main road. Despite my heart beating out of my damn chest, wanting to pull over and cry because I felt overwhelmed with cars passing me at a way faster pace than I was going, and listening to my cat howl in her kennel, I made it to and from the vet! 

I was so insecure about if I was annoying other drivers and I kept feeling like I was going to lose control of my car at any moment. 

Does anyone else get anxiety about the weather? Especially snow? I’d love to hear your perspective or any tips for staying calm while tackling travels!

P.S. - my cat is okay! Just some bad allergies, she will likely improve over the week :)"
Anxiety,"IUD Insertion Fear Hi everyone. 22F. I currently have an IUD (Skyla) but had to be knocked out to get it because I was basically a virgin and my anxiety spiked like crazy. I was prescribed Valium before but too be honest that just made it worse. The terrible doctor (who was yelling at me for being a whimp) eventually did the procedure in the OR a few days later.

​

Time is up for my current IUD and I am planning on getting it removed and replaced with Kyleena in early May. I'm terrified. My doctor says now because I'm sexually active and I'm getting better with paps/physical exams (they still hurt but less so) I should be fine. But the problem is I'm getting a numbing spray so my NP can't do it. I'm seeing a new doctor who knows how to do it with all the numbing stuff. She's new but I've never met her and can't meet her before the procedure.

​

I'm so scared that I will look like a whimp again and I'll have to back to the OR even though I'm 22 years old, have had plenty of sex, and should be fine. But my anxiety makes everything worse, I tense up and I'm worried I'll do it again during this insertion. My mom will be with me but I am worried I'll even look like a whimp to her.

​

How do I calm my nerves when it comes to this? Does anyone have any breathing techniques or tips to help with anxiety around medical things? Send me good vibes."
Anxiety,"How do I learn to have more patience with myself? I just came from an area in my company where I was the go-to expert on everything in my department. Then I got promoted to head an area where I know basically fuck all.

My subordinates have been doing it for years. It makes me feel weak, but I stupid, I and I don't think I have their respect. They notice my anxiety. It's weakness.

I need to be patient and stop pressing but I expect astronomical things from myself and get angry at myself when I can't fulfill them.

I have high ambition, but no patience for learning through failure. What do I do?"
Anxiety,"Anybody else have chronic chest pain? So 3 years ago I had a baby and immediately I started getting chest pain, like a squeezing feeling that doesn’t really hurt but is really uncomfortable. After a few months I went to the ER one night and they did test and said my test came back normal and the doctor said he’s pretty sure the chest pain is from anxiety. Now 3 years of this and I still have the chest pain almost every day. I don’t even feel like I’m having anxiety really, I’m just stressed and worried alot which I guess might be the same as anxiety but I’m not having a panic attack or anything so I don’t understand the constant chest pain. Has anybody else experience anything like this?"
Anxiety,"Cipralex/Lexapro Successes? about 3 years ago i smoked weed & it triggered horrible anxiety/panic attacks in me (never even knew what anxiety felt like before), & i was told i would “grow out of it” but now i kinda live in a constant fear that anything & everything will make me high. so my doctor wants to start me on Cipralex or Zoloft but i’m leaning towards the cipralex & just wondering if anyone has any success stories? what was it like starting? side effects? etc. I know everyone reacts different to these things but curious peoples experiences! feeling a bit nervous about this since drugs it what started it lol."
Anxiety,"Are your meds helping ? Has anyone been on buspirone, propranolol, ativan for break through attacks and your dr prescribed lexapro?  I'm having a hard time with all 3 because my anxiety is so bad that I'm scared to add the lexapro. I cant eat or sleep well and feel I'm losing my mind. I've gone to the ER 5 times the last month with horrible panic attacks that came out of no where when I only used to get them a few times a year. Needing help and guidance from anyone that has been through the same ❤"
Anxiety,"Zoloft for anxiety/major depressive disorder Anyone had much luck with it? Va Dr. just prescribed me 50 mg. Zoloft for the first week, ordered to increase to 100 mg. the next. I was on a high dose of Citalopram years back, which didn't do much for me.

I'm a little worried about the side effects of increased irritability, and possibly sleep problems. However, I'm very excited and hopeful that it helps. I've been having lots of chest pain/anxiety attacks, and been pretty depressed lately. Could definitely use relief."
Anxiety,"University anxiety is making my performance in classes a lot worse Hi, I’m a computer science major, and I’ve always been an A student my entire life. 
But lately, I haven’t been getting As in some courses no matter how hard I try, I always think I did well in exams but then it breaks me when I don’t see an A.
I am well aware that grades don’t define how good I am but I can’t just shift to that mindset after being that way for 20 years. 
And now the stress and anxiety are making me think that I’m not good enough and that it’s the end for me, that I will never be good at anything anymore and I’ve been sleeping my anxiety away and avoiding my classmates so I don’t think about my grades.
I want to ask if anyone is going/went through the same situation and how they are dealing with it! It would mean a lot to me because"
Anxiety,"Anxiety making me terrified - support please! Alright so, I suffer pretty bad with anxiety and severe self consciousness issues. I constantly am in fear that I've done something wrong or that I will. 

 I've recently started seeing a guy and I really like him and we get on so well and we're super affectionate, the past couple days he's been distant and quiet and my anxiety is out the roof! I constantly go into 'uh oh have a done something? am i ugly?"" and my paranoia is insane. I put into perspective that he's probably mentally not well at the moment, but my anxiety is unbearable right now. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to calm down? I feel like it's all me and it's making me crazy!"
Anxiety,"How does anxiety feel to you? For me, it just feels like I’m running or being chased all of the time. I sweat like crazy through shirts, sweatshirts, even light jackets. It’s insane. I also compulsively bite my nails and cuticles. I can feel and see my heart beating wicked fast even when I’m just laying around the house chilling. 

It makes it so that when I am ~~actually~~ nervous, I have a full on anxiety attack where I’m hyperventilating, my head gets tight, and I start seeing things blur and zoom.

Can anyone else relate?"
Anxiety,Achy Woke up feeling achy now I’m freaking myself out that I have the virus 😫
Anxiety,"Need some advice Hey all

I really just need some advice, I've had on and off severe anxiety since I was 8 years old, I'm now 26 and realised I've let it control my life to this point. A bit of back story, I was fairly ""normal"" between the ages of 18-23, lived on my own, had a girlfriend, a group of friends and was fairly active. When I turned 23 my anxiety came about and I let it consume me, I pushed away all of my friends as of now I have none really except for online ones, some real life friends who make contact infrequently which I usually find a way to avoid and live back at home with my mother. My relationship really suffered as my girlfriend at the time thought something was wrong but I could never speak to her about it, it became hard for her as since I wasn't socialising all of my focus was on her which obviously lead to us breaking up.

I was a fairly fit kid played sports, never trained but was never out of shape. I'm now at a point I have no muscle and a bulging gut, to put it nicely it's not very attractive. I've now resigned myself to a life of waking up purely just to play computer games and occasionally visiting family, I do have a very good family however I understand they know something is wrong with me.

When I first returned home I was working but for the past 2 years I've been out of work and can't even muster the drive to apply for jobs, when I sit down to begin to process my anxiety and depression come crushing down.

About 18 months ago I tried to make a change as my self inflicted isolation caused me depression, it didn't work. When I would try to socialise I was anxious and would immediately retreat into my shell. 18 months later of compounding depression and anxiety I'm here now. Crippled with anxiety, severely depressed, extremely unfit and generally unhappy with my life. 

I'm starting medication tomorrow and have begun training at a local gym, I however need to train their at 2am because I get extremely anxious when other people around (The typical are they watching me, I'm so out of shape, I shouldn't be here thoughts), Can anyone give any advice? I would really appreciate it, what did you do? How did you escape the cycle? Is there hope or even a point in trying, or is this my life..."
Anxiety,"Does anyone else always cringe at past conversations? Every time I interact with someone wether its in class or at the store, i’ll always look back and think of how awkward/weird I was during the conversation and won’t stop thinking about it. It’s like i’m stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and images about myself and it totally messes with me. How can I get past this?"
Anxiety,The doctor said I have a healthy heart but Why am I still aware of my heartbeat?  Sometimes I wonder if the antibiotic messed with it. Or I am just paranoid. I've taken Clyndamaicin and currently Zoltax.
Anxiety,"Sick induced anxiety, or anxiety induced sick? I've been feeling sick since Monday afternoon, but it's the weirdest sick I've ever had. I slept for almost 24 hours on Tuesday and I've been home from work since then. However, I have almost no symptoms, just a scratchy throat and a light cough. BUT my anxiety has kicked into high gear for the first time in months.

I have a lot going on in my life right now: my marriage is imploding; I'm taking care of a friend's incontinent, elderly dog after he was in a car accident; I've been given several large projects at work and I'm feeling woefully inadequate; not to mention the holidays and all the fucking family time I'm about to endure.

It makes sense to me why the anxiety is happening. But I still feel like shit about it. I never feel okay staying home from work because of it. I feel like a pussy. A year ago I had a major depressive episode and was trapped in my house for almost 6 months. I've come a long way since then, I know, but I don't handle failure well and I feel like I'm failing right now.

I just called out of work for the third day in a row. I've been in this job since April and only had 2 sick days before now. It's a school, so I think that's a pretty good average. But I'm afraid to go in. What if they think I've been faking, or think that I've been trying to avoid work? (It's the last week before winter break.) I'm making myself nauseous with the what ifs.

I doubt anyone is going to read this long post, but I really need someone to tell me I'm okay and that I'm not fucking up and failing miserably."
Anxiety,"My anxiety is ruining me. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. We had a baby a year and a half in. Before I got pregnant I was working two jobs, driving my dads Camaro, had no bills at all. We had a lot of fun during that time and that’s when our relationship was the strongest. Well fast forward, I’ve been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born and I’ve gone down hill since then. My anxiety and depression is a lot worse, my self body image is terrible, my relationship is rocky. I’ve recently acquired a new friend that’s been pushing me to go to the gym (thank god for her because my motivation is non existent) we usually go at least a few times a week. I also try and do workouts at home when I’m feeling motivated. But other than the gym, I don’t leave the house very often. My boyfriend takes my car to work so I can’t leave anyway. My boyfriend is usually the one to go out for things and I let him because he will. If I was alone, I’d do it myself though. Since I’ve felt so secluded, hidden and cut off from the world, my anxiety is at an all time high. Most especially in a social setting, like before we go hang out with friends, I’ll have anxiety from the moment I wake up and realize I have to go do that. That puts a lot of stress on my bf. I guess I just miss the old me and old life I had. I had anxiety still but it was more manageable than this. I’ve been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist but even doing that scares me. I haven’t answered my phone, unless I know who it is, in months because it’s so bad. All of my social accounts have barely any activity from me, other than Snapchat, which I still barely post anything. Half the time I feel like my bf’s acquaintances don’t even know he’s dating someone. I guess I just need encouragement to grow a set and take on this life like an adult. It’s hard because I can tell myself all of this but it doesn’t stop the gut-wrenching/million butterfly/nauseous feeling of anxiety from coming back. I’ve tried breathing techniques, analyzing and identifying the room, telling myself I’m okay and it’s just anxiety. At this point I feel like medication might be my best option, even though going to see someone for it makes me so nervous and anxious. I just want to live a productive, happy, healthy life and my anxiety is ruining that for me. 

Sorry there’s not really a question and it’s long. I just feel like I need to put all of this out into the world, even if it’s just reddit and nobody knows who I am! 

If you’ve made it this far, leave some technique you use for your anxiety. 

Thank you for reading..💖"
Anxiety,"I feel so alone today Just went to a party. Really shitty experience all around. Tried to drink before hand to calm the nerves but still had a bit of a panic attack leading up to getting there. We get there, we take pics, it’s fun. I even make idle conversation with someone there and that was great.

We get to the live music and I sort of just freak mentally. I dance, I move, I smile, I do all the RIGHT things I know I should’ve wanted to do but all I could think about was how out of place I felt. I never really feel comfortable in my body around anyone but myself and I was in my head the whole time about how not natural I was being.

Meanwhile, my friend, newly single, is talking to people and girls like no one’s business, my friends are talking, getting danced on and I’m awkward. I’m just standing there, taking up space, cheapening the moment while being there and it really fucking sucked. I went home after seeing a lot of PDA cuz I genuinely couldn’t handle seeing all that without feeling negative about myself.

I spent the last hour laughing, screaming and crying, partially at my google nest but most about how alone and isolated my anxiety has made me. My parents have told me that they taught me to be obedience, not confident, and that really fucked up my social skills and anxiety and all it does is occupy my brain and I’m fuckin done and over it.

Whatever, thats it."
Anxiety,"Cats are good people Last night my phone freaked out. It shut itself off and it would not reboot. I could get it to the loading screen, but that was it. Sat up until almost 3 AM trying to figure out how to get it to work. Finally had to give up for the night and attempt to sleep. This morning, I was right back to fighting with it. I tried everything I could think of or find via the Google for a Motorola phone that wouldn't boot up, and it was not working. I was getting kinda panicky- loosing the progress on my games would suck, but I was terrified I was going to have to do a factory reset and I'd loose all my pictures and videos of my little nephew being adorable.  

This where the cat comes in. My giant ginger fluffball of a cat isn't usually very social in the morning. He demands his kitty cookies, then off he goes to patrol the house. Today, while I was sitting in the middle of my bed freaking out over my damn phone, he comes waddling into the room. Hops up on the bed with me. And spends the next half hour purring at me and kneading the blankets and demanding pets and scritches. Coincidentally, that's also about the time I tried plugging my phone into my laptop, and pop! On it went. So thank you, fuzzy-bear, for saving me from myself."
Anxiety,"Did anyone try to take magnesium supplements and did it help at all? I’ve had GAD for a few years now, I see a therapist twice a week. 

Mostly, one horrible part of my anxiety is the headaches. I have extremely tense muscles in the shoulders and neck and it triggers constant tension headaches. I exercise three times a week including yoga, and it helps a bit but not that much. 

When my anxiety reaches a high point for a few days/weeks, the headaches are so debilitating I can barely eat and sleep, let alone work or see my friends. 

Today someone talked to me about magnesium supplements and how they help with anxiety and more specifically the tense muscles part. 

Has anyone tried it? Was it at all helpful?"
Anxiety,"Wanting to date but anxiety stops me I’m 23 woman and have only been on a few dates. I really want to start dating. I get asked out here and there but I get so anxious I usually  say no. Or I overthink everything and stop talking to them/making excuses about why I should not date them. 

I was asked to lunch by someone I’m interested in. I want to go but I need advice on how to stop my anxious thoughts and self sabotaging. "
Anxiety,"Panicking after car accident So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm a pretty bad driver. I think a lot of it has to do with being so anxious that I can't focus properly, but I've never had good spatial awareness either. I've never hurt myself or anyone else in an accident, but I just got into my second fender bender since the start of 2022. Now I can't focus on anything other than what a bad driver I am, how I shouldn't be behind the wheel or how much of a risk I am for hurting someone. I just finished grad school and I'm in the middle of starting 2 new jobs that need me to commute, and I'm not in a location with any kind of reasonable public transport. I'm on my third panic attack and seriously don't know how the hell I'm going to function in this state, especially since I still don't know what the damage is going to be to my insurance at this point either."
Anxiety,"Work I quit my job about 2 months ago cause I had a really big anxiety attack and it came up that I also had the beginnings of depression. 

So I took some time off over the holidays to sort myself out. But my financial status is not going to support me for much longer. 

Now I’m freaking out and getting anxious about looking for a job. My partner said I had a good chance of getting a job where he works, but I feel like that puts pressure on me to not mess up or embarrass him. 

But at the same time I don’t want to go back to a retail job. Not that good pay, and inconsistent hours. 

I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk to the people around me, to help me get answers."
Anxiety,"teens to be friends with is there by any chance there are some teens that have anxiety that i can be friends with and talk to on here? everyone is so nice and it would be nice to have some people to talk to my age and that know what i’m going through, feel free to me message me your snap or if you want to chat on here that is fine!"
Anxiety,"I have lost the ability to know if my reactions to things are reasonable, real and valid I can't even trust my own emotions or thoughts. Every time I get upset or mad about something I question if it's even real or just me 'over-reacting'. I feel like I can't even vocalise these feelings without being thought of as oversensitive or crazy. It's terrifying and isolating and absolutely soul sucking.

Next therapy appointment can't come soon enough."
Anxiety,"My battle with emetophobia and what I learned in therapy Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting, generally speaking and I'm currently in the middle of therapy. I want to tell you my story so far. 

I was diagnosed earlier this year with Specific Anxiety Disorder with the fear of vomiting. But it's not only that. For me, it's also the fear of getting sick with stomach flu and everything connected with it. (though it doesn't have to be like that for everyone!) 
It is impacting my life in many different ways.



**Beginning / the incident**

It all started on Christmas 2017 where me and my (now Ex) boyfriend drove over to my mom's place and had Christmas dinner. The next day she got sick with the noro virus and had to go to the doctor. My and my ex couldn't leave until the next day and we already felt exhausted in the morning right after waking up. We had to drive 7h home and my ex was the one driving. We could barely manage to keep ourselves awake and one time he stopped because he almost fell asleep while driving. We barely made it home. And I really couldn't keep myself awake and slept during the whole ride. 
We went to sleep right away but in the morning the hell night started. ( could be gross so you can skip the next paragraph) 

We both woke up and he had to vomit almost 6 times within a few hours. I didn't have to vomit but I had a lot of diarrhea. And whenever he jumped out of the bed to rush to the toilet, I went dissociative because I couldn't handle the sounds of him vomiting. 
They wouldn't leave my mind until a few weeks later.  I did my best to care for him too since I felt a bit better than him. After one week we felt better, even though we still had to feed ourselves with soup as we couldn't handle solid food yet. 


I felt so bad for falling asleep in the car even though he asked me to talk to him so he can keep himself awake. I felt like I was failing him. 
It was really traumatizing, but I was in therapy too back then and talked about it with my therapist. I thought I processed it well. I was wrong. 
Few months after, in April, I had my first panic attack. I was eating in a restaurant when I had to burp but it didn't come out. My brain thought that I had to vomit. I got sweaty and anxious but I managed to keep silent. I just asked my ex that we go home. We paid and when we were at home, I napped for the rest of the day because it was so exhausting. 



**The peak of my anxiety**

Over the year of 2018, I would have panic attacks every few weeks. I didn't think that I had to do something about it back then. 
But as the winter months and especially Christmas came closer, they became more and more frequent. 
It was November /December when I was at my worst. I just broke up with my ex(due to other reasons) and moved to my new partner. I had a massive amount of stress that probably even amplified my symptoms. 

For example I wouldn't dare to touch the bars in public transportation out of fear of getting infected. Or I wouldn't eat food that isn't ""safe"" (like, won't give me digestion problems). I lost a lot of weight due to not eating enough. 
Getting digestion problems would also drive my anxiety over the roof because my brain thinks that I'm getting sick.
If I for any reason think that I can get sick, I would be unstable for a few days until I see that I didn't get sick. I didn't dare to fall asleep out of fear of waking up and being sick. I didn't dare to nap out of fear that this was the pre sickness exhaustion that I had during the car ride. 
If I fell asleep, I would have panic attacks in the morning and I'd spent an hour in the bathroom, waiting for the worst but It never happened. It never happened when I had panic attacks. 

Getting through the winter months was living hell. I had panic attacks almost every day and it felt like living next to a burning house and having to constantly watch out that the fire doesn't take over my own house.  It drained all my energy that I had. I went out with friends less, could barely go to work or even be productive there, I was a mess. I eventually lost that job earlier this year. (because of other reasons, but the productivity was one of the reasons)

When I could actually relax one day because my partner took care of me, I broke out in tears and decided to go into therapy. I was lucky and didn't have to wait long for an appointment.
The worst part was when I re visited my mom this year in January. I basically relived the trauma.. Or at least my brain constantly feared the trauma. But it didn't happen. But it showed me again how bad it actually was. 

The stress over all the months eventually actually caused heavy digestion issues which even fed my anxiety. But I somehow survived it. And I had to confront my fears and teach my brain that the feared outcome doesn't have to happen.
I didn't do much in therapy yet. I rather made a huge progress myself since January because I had to overcome my digestion issues.


**The diagnosis**

My therapist gave me a huge pile of questionnaires that covered all possible mental illnesses. They were tedious to fill out, but I understand that my therapist doesn't want to miss anything so we can address it in therapy. 
It took 4 sessions to complete all of the diagnostic stuff. Then the real therapy began. 


**what I learned and what helps me battling my worries**

I've built my toolbox.
Due to the involuntary confrontation with digestion issues, I had to relearn my body signals. Not every noise that my belly makes means that I'm getting diarrhea or even sick.
Sometimes it means that I'm hungry, or that I just have to fart. I had to learn to distinguish nausea from having to burp. Generally I had to learn that what I was experiencing wasn't in fact nausea.

I learned that If I reach out to anyone (mostly my partner) and tell them what my brain feared (no matter how ridiculous it sounds) that we could debunk every aspect of it by rationally stating the facts. Often, it would prevent me from even entering the spiral of anxiety.

Most of the stuff I've taught myself outside of therapy. (I have to say that I had some tools left from an earlier therapy and my partner had some pretty helpful tools.) Now... I don't have to live in constant fear anymore. I can eat normally again (mostly) and I can even go to restaurants again (when I before couldn't). I made some huge progress so far. 



**What I'll have to do in the future**

I am still nowhere near the end of therapy though . I still have to acquire a lot of tools so that I don't have to go through hell again once the winter months come back.
Now the real hard part therapy begins. I will have to confront myself to vomiting. Step for step. First, thinking about it, second, seeing vomit etc. 
I will never have to do a step if I'm not ready or if I don't want to. (like actually make myself vomit) 
That is actually a common misconception about confrontational therapy. It is always in your pace. It's a controlled exposure to the things you fear. It's hard, but effective. 




**Some comments about my journey**

I am proud of myself for making it this far. I deserve to be and it doesn't make me a bad person. It's a personal victory that I deserve to celebrate it.
But the same goes to you! If you have been going through a rough time and still made it to this point, it's worth celebrating, no matter how much progress you made.
I know how hard it is to go through hell. And hell is subjective to everyone. Your struggle is valid. Don't be afraid to reach out.  Open and honest communication with my partner, parents and my therapist helped me so much. Without their support I couldn't have made it this far. Especially my partner. We as a couple grew even closer together when we took the battle together. It's worth it. Believe me.  Reach out and use the resources you have.
And most of all, thank you for reading all of this. I hope that I could reach anyone out there with similar struggles as me and tell them that they're not alone.
If you have any questions about my emetophobia or anything else, feel free to ask me. I'm happy to share.



Edit : formatting "
Anxiety,"just a rant can bullying turn into childhood trauma?? at a very young age one of my friends just kinda turned on me i’m not gonna go in-depth on it but long story short she just started talking about me being my back and laughing at me with other people and avoiding me 
i know this probably seems like nothing but to a 9/10 year old it felt like my whole world exploded… anyway at this young age i was destroyed by this and when i look back at it i was in a deep depression back then. 
a few years later the same thing happened again with different friend but even worse this so called friend was so manipulative and if i didn’t do what they wanted they would say that they were gonna k!ll themselves or spread rumors and lies about me to other people and the the same stuff as the last friend laughing and talking about me to my other friends/people this caused my to have major anxiety and trust issues. 
now i’m 16 and a junior in highschool i’ve been friendless since i started highschool. 
it’s not as hard for me to talk to me anymore because i’ve been on lexapro for a year now, but i still have trouble starting conversations and keeping them going so at school i’m kinda mute most of the times. 
i say it doesn’t bother me but it really does everyone else my age is doing so much better than me they have jobs,friends a significant other and just a social life in general and i don’t i’ve tried so hard i don’t know how long i can keep doing this"
Anxiety,"Spiralling? TW: health issues/cancer

I’m a senior in high school, taking some classes online so I can instead spend more time with & taking care of my dad who’s been seriously ill for as long as I can remember with various chronic & genetic diseases. It’s really been taking a toll on me these past few months especially combined with the stress of school and moving out soon to go to college. 

Last week, he had a major cancer scare and I wasn’t told about it until late on in the whole process. I went out to the groceries as a half assed excuse to get out of the house and clear my mind and had a terrible panic attack for the first time in about a year. I also had an episode of dissociation like I’ve never had before, I wasn’t sure what was happening until I collapsed while shopping. It was so scary and I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Since then, I haven’t felt the same. I haven’t felt nearly as motivated to do things as I usually do and am falling behind on my school work and having a hard time doing things I need to do to take care of my dad let alone myself. The sort of constant, physically painful anxiety I’ve been feeling is something I haven’t felt in years. I’ve been on SSRIs for about 4 years and stopped CBT probably 6 months ago after being really successful with it for 2 years and feeling ready to stop. I’m honestly not sure what to do. I know how to cope with anxiety usually but I’m just so physically and mentally tired and have no motivation to actually take the steps to cope. Resting has been making me anxious feeling like I need to be working or doing something but having to energy to do it like a feedback loop. 

Any advice would be really appreciated. I’ve been feeling so alone these past few days and honestly anything would be nice. If you made it to the end here, thanks. Hope you’re doing alright"
Anxiety,"I feel that I can't live like this anymore Just before a month ago, I was happy and I never knew I was. I was really fucking happy. Turns out, that I decided to eat an edible for the first time. I did not know it would change my fucking life. The edible triggered a panic attack attack along with some other crazy stuff. While I was on the effects of the edible, I started to move my hands on a crazy way like I couldn't control it. Then I also started to think that I might stay like that forever and that I would lose my intelligence while being hospitalized forever (for being crazy). After the higher effects of the weed ran out, I then started to come back to my normal self and my girlfriend calmed me down while we were in a call. A few days later, I then wake up to a car passing by because I heard the noise of the car as if it was a person screaming so that triggered another panic attack since I started to think that I might have the onset of schizophrenia. Since then, since I started to think that I might have the onset of schizophrenia,  and every sound that I hear I relate that to the effects of schizophrenia.  Everytime I hear a sound during an anxiety attack at night I start to think that ""my mind is producing those sounds, you might have schizophrenia. You will live like that forever, it would get worse, you will live in fear for the rest of your life, etc.)."" Every since.. every since I tried that fucking edible, it changed my life. 

Turns out that I contacted a therapist via the app of betterhelp because it is cheap. I had two therapists, and both of them said that I do not appear to have the onset schizophrenia. My current therapist, diagnosed me with anxiety and panics along with something else that may be bothering me. She introduced me to mindfulness and meditation, and ever since then I started to have less anxiety attacks. However, I decided to smoke weed since I knew that edibles are stronger than smoking weed, and so because of that it may be okay. I smoked one time and everything was chill and cool + it relieved a pain that I was having. Then one week later I smoked again and UFFFFFF. I was with my cousin, when I smoked it I started to hear voices (which I had no fucking clue if it was from actual reality) and it was just a really really really mentally painful experience. Every since that day, I started to have much worse anxiety attacks and everything is just worse. I need help, I'm not sure if I should spend the little money I have (which I'm saving for a car) to go to a Psychiatrist so he/she can recommend me some treatment or something because I cant continue to live like this. 

I used to be happy and I didn't know it, everytime I start to get anxiety I blame myself for trying that edible... I WAS REALLY FUCKING HAPPY... I feel like I would never be happy again, like as if this would stay forever and I would actually get schizophrenia (if I don't have it already). I. CAN'T. CONTINUE. TO. LIVE. LIKE. THIS."
Anxiety,"My nightmares terrify me I’m not going to relay these dreams because they’re too horrific, spawned in some dark rotting corner of my brain; but I’m so scared of going to sleep that I feel literally sick, like I’m on a boat that’s going to throw me into an icy ocean where hungry sharks are waiting. And there’s no one I can tell, so I’m just leaving this here. I hate being crazy so, so much. And yes, I’m medicated. But still. Still."
Anxiety,does anyone else get the following symptoms: sometimes i’ll just be doing something and it’ll feel kinda like my heart skips a beat and then i’m like woah like what’s going on like my vision might get blurry for a sec and everything just feels off and then i’m fine. it’s weird and so hard to explain. often accompanied by weird feeling in my throat or my body thinking i’m not getting enough oxygen
Anxiety,"Anxiety causing visible swelling?  

I recently had my first anxiety attack back in October after a google search on some symptoms that lead me to some pretty bad stuff. It was by far the worst anxiety i have ever felt over the past 3 months. I have been constantly lightheaded since the first panic attack and have had a lot of common symptoms that people on talk about. Shortness of break, tight legs, back pain, bowl issues, and vision issues. My main issues have been tingling in my middle finger, tightness in my forearm, and a sharp pain in my elbow and shoulder all in my right arm. I have been to many doctors including neurologist, orthopedic, thoracic, pain management, ent, PT, ER 3 times and have had almost every part of my body scanned by CT and MRI. I counted over 20 blood test and so far every single thing has come back normal.

One doctor thinks I have thoracic outlet, but another doctor says I don't and that they are just trying to slap a generic label on my problem. This doctor also believes it is my body stuck in ""fight or flight mode."" The one issue that seems odd is that after using my right hand, such as in typing, my fingers will visibly slightly swell and my hand feel tight. I know stress can cause muscle tightness and my PT keeps commenting on how tight the muscles are on the right side of my body from jaw to shoulder. Has anyone had anxiety/stress cause physically visible symptoms such as swelling?"
Anxiety,"Calming Breath Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share a calming breath technique with anyone who might need it right now. Just take a breath in from your nose for 4 seconds... hold it in for 2 seconds...and breath out for 6 seconds from your mouth. Repeat this around 5-6x in a row.

Hope this is helpful, as this technique has helped ground me when I feel panic attacks coming about 💙"
Anxiety,"I DID IT, I COULD GO TO SCHOOL WITHOUT FEELING BAD, WITHOUT ANY PANIC ATTACK do not give up friends, find peace, try to find the root of your anxieties. I promise you that you will find the solution, I love you"
Anxiety,"Chest pain? Since yesterday night i have been feeling a little pain slightly to the left of my chest, and it's driving me nuts! I thought it could be due to starting a new workout routine at the gym, but i can't shake the fear that i'm going to have a heart attack or something.

There shouldn't be nothing wrong with my heart. Ove the last 6 months i have done many blood and heart exams (thanks to other amxiety simptoms), and as far as i know everything is fine. But i can't stop thinking ""well, those were months ago, what if now is something serious?""

I barelly slept tonight because i was terrified that if i lost conciouness i would never wake up again. Amd now besides the chest pain i also feel like i was hit by a truck!

Anyone else have this? :("
Anxiety,"Going back to work tomorrow after an episode. Support appreciated My anxiety has been much better for months now. I have a daily routine, work is getting easier, and I take my dog out as much as possible. But a few days ago I got sick, nothing too bad just the flu. And I ended up missing some work and having some terrible anxiety while home. I had a shit mental health day in general. Lots of anxiety and depression together which is awesome. I’m very nervous about going back to work tomorrow. I want to feel back to normal. Could definitely use some helpful words or thoughts right about now. "
Anxiety,"Does anybody feel like you’re constantly being judged by a person, even if you don’t know them? Warning, Long Post: Theres a td;lr at the bottom

There’s this apartment that I pass by whenever I walk my dogs. Their windows are usually open when I walk by so they can see everything outside. I stopped to pull my dogs away from their little area of plants, since he decided that would be the perfect place to pee, and we accidentally made eye-contact. This guy is an adult male, clearly has a job (and what I later learned a motorcycle), and has his own life going on. Yet since that day I’ve made a conscious effort to avoid being seen from his window, even so far as to walk in the middle of the street or quickly run past when I think he isn’t looking. 

I don’t know this guy but we saw each other on a daily basis, and each time made me so anxiety ridden that I nearly broke out into a run because the classic “oh god he saw me” string of thoughts run through. Not to mention, I wear a bonnet in the early morning. It looks absolutely stupid on me because it’s too big but I have no other option. 

Also, I’m one of those people that whenever I’m put through something stressful, I talk to myself and recite all the things I could’ve said and all the points I could’ve made. It’s weird, but it’s a form of stress relief for me since the squirrel on my tree seems more interested in my life problems than others are. A few mornings ago I had a really rough start to my day, so as I was walking my dogs I started talking to myself. I look behind me out of habit and lo and behold, random guy is there walking behind me trying to get into his own place. Needless to say I bolted, and now Random Guy knows that I talk to myself an probably thinks I’m crazy. 

I don’t know what to do, or how to stop feeling so much Anxiety because I’m worried about what this one particular stranger thinks of me. I’m not normally this bad, and I typically get along with strangers. But this one person I just never want to see me, and I never want to look at him. 

If anyone knows what I could do to maybe ease this anxiety or get rid of it entirely, I would really appreciate if you could help me at all.

td;lr: I’m so worried about a person I’ve never met’s opinion about me that I’m actively avoiding contact and their sightline, including their window."
Anxiety,"Sometimes you wake up and just know it’s gonna be a bad day Went out last night. Went to a concert, saw a friend, laughed and smiled as if inside I’m not withering in endless fear. It felt really good and I’m very grateful I was able to do it.

But I got in late and sleep procrastination set in, so I had less sleep than usual. Woke up knowing that it would be a terrible day for my mental health. Did everything from breathing exercises to choking down half an apple to get myself together.

Then took a benzo that I have to take as needed, and I’m finally not jumping out of my skin and can get some work done.

Some days you just know it’s gonna be bad. For those days, the imperfect medications available for our condition are truly lifesavers."
Anxiety,Does anybody else sit in a room and is only half present? For example I went to a comedy show last night and I felt like I was only half there What is this? I find my mind wandering. It wasnt a bad show and there were jokes I got. There are times when I'm trying to listen in class or in conversation with good friends but my mind drifts away. Wtf is that? I try my best to be mindful and connect but I cant.
Anxiety,"Election Anxiety \*mainly a post for those in the USA or following the election results very closely and probably doomscrolling all their social media accounts\*

I don't know if this has already been said here but for those who suffer from anxiety; if you feel like you need to turn off the news and social media until things calm down, it's perfectly fine to tune out.

Your mental health is way more important than what is to come, yes it is.  Tomorrow will still come, the election results will be what they are.  You'll still know who the president is after everything is said and done.  Please please please take care of yourself mentally, I'm not saying this lightly.  I'm still gonna take up a shift as an poll watcher tomorrow but during the pre-election results I'm going with a friend so we can support each other mentally and be around someone in case my symptoms get bad.

Your mental health matters."
Anxiety,"very scared right now, currently 4:17 am please help ive been dealing with very bad anxiety ever since a bad trip on weed and for some reason it just spiraled me out into this whole anxiety episode for 7 weeks now and im scared ill never be able to feel normal again. something triggered me earlier and it spiked my anxiety levels very high. ive had 2 consultations with my therapist to diagnose me and i have GAD. i never think about what happened with the bad trip but suddenly tonight i did because something triggered me to think about it and now suddenly im scared i have ptsd. i think im more scared of the fact of getting ptsd than what actually happened to me that night my brain is just weird but im really scared and my anxiety is seriously through the roof. what if there is no hope for me? what if im stuck in this anxiety loop forever please i need some reassurance ill be back to normal. i have my first psychotherapy session next tuesday im so fucking scared ill be stuck forever. and all of the sudden i feel like i have ptsd even though i was feeling completely fine a day ago with what happened but something triggered it and idk what to do anymore please help."
Anxiety,It feels like I’m vibrating from the inside It’s 4am here and I still can’t sleep
Anxiety,"DAE find that China gives them SEVERE anxiety?(WARNING:Trigger warning for suicidal ideation) Especially to the point of suicide(I.e,Me?)  


Because,ffs,it seems like it's so fucking easy to get anxiety because of China:  


\-It seems that everyone and their mother wants to turn China into Radioactive ash because of COVID/Taiwan/and the Uyghur situation  


\-China is having this ""Come at me bro"" mentality almost like they DO want WWIII!  


\-And day by day,it seems that China is bar none,becoming the most hated nation known to mankind.  


  
And because of all this,this shit is making me suicidal,hell,HAS made me suicidal.  


I'm actually gonna try to buy a gun before the end of March(maybe Feb) to keep around as an ""Escape plan""  


If I can't control these polichickens from turning the world into a dead,radioactive husk,then I can at least control whether or not I have to be alive to experience hell on earth(and there is ZERO guarantee that the bombs will get me,I don't feel like living in a post-apocalyptic hell-hole..might as well blow my own head off and save myself the trouble.  


I mean,are we REALLY gonna get our asses killed by China? Like,seriously?! Just because the U.S and friends want to rule the world like gods?!  


And the reason why I post this to this sub is because,I highly doubt for one those of us with mental issues like anxiety could even survive WWIII,let alone the radioactive,post-apocalyptic hellhole a nuclear exchange with China could make the damn world.  


I never thought people would start seeing China as some rabid dog to be put down,nuke war or no.  


I never thought that China could make the damn world lose it's collective shit like this.  


I just wanna know if anyone else is getting scared/anxious of China like I am."
Anxiety,"Do your friends know about your anxiety? I personally keep up a front with family and friends. 

Only my boyfriend knows and he’s so done hearing about my health anxiety and thinks I’m crazy. This is exactly why I feel I can’t share it with anyone else."
Anxiety,"What's this called? Hello! I suffer from anxiety related to my fear of going into anaphylactic shock. Truthfully, I'm very low risk, but the first doctor I went to about it freaked me out by way overreacting and prescribing an Epipen. Followup doctors assured me that I don't even need it, because of how low risk I am, but since that first doctor I have been plagued by anxiety, and constantly feel my throat closing, etc. even when I know it's in my head. I basically take the unnecessary Epipen with me whereever I go, even when it's impractical, just because it makes me feel more comfortable.

The problem is that I can't deal without it at this point. The idea of going off into public without having it on me terrifies me, and the times it's happened have been almost unmanageable. 

I know the Epipen has become a crutch for me, but what is this concept called? I'm wondering if there's a term for overreliance on something used to cope with anxiety. Am I just addicted or something? 

Thanks for your help.

Edit: Also, is there even a concept of such specialized anxiety? I'm not generally an anxious person, but this dominates my life. I have gotten unrelated panic attacks a couple of times, though, so maybe I'm more anxious than I believe."
Anxiety,"After 3 years fearing it ....... I think im in the prodromal stage of schizophrenia and here is why *Trigger warning

Hi I'm 25 male
All my life i've been obssessed about existince itself and about concussions
I remember even when i was 10 years old asking my mom about everything in life 
Then at the age of 14 due to my fears of those thoughts i developed ocd like symptoms 
And at age of 15 my friend told me that he can read minds which made me alot paranoid of him which lasts for nearly 2 weeks 
.........
After that nothing really big  happened (some solplism ocd and some existenial ocd) 
Until i was 22 when my dad died ... I couldn't resist the anxiety and the panic that happened i couldn't even think about any think but im going crazy 
I started to obsess about it as hell ... No good days 24/7 just obsessing if im crazy or not 
I started to compulsively observing my every thought every word i say every thing i do if its ""crazy"" or people might think its crazy or not 
After maybe 4 months of that really bad time i started medecine which did it work well after it gave me 2 weeks of constant panic 
After that i started to read and here it comes the horrible part : 
I read litterelly about every single mental illness 
And i could obsess about every symptoms i read 
I was afraid of bipolar ... Dps ... Every mental illness 
......
Until i came to some guys who described the prodromal stage of schizophrenia 
A german scientist called conrad describing what really was going with me ( as being always scared that something might happened at any moment) which he described as (delusional mood) which made me scared As hell
To the point i was convinced that im prodromal schizophrenic
I discused that with my doctor which she refused and said that there is nothing called as prodromal phase 
So i went to another doctor who said that he is 100 percent sure that all im suffering is ocd and im not gonna be psychotic whole my life 
That comfort me a little and he put me on  a salad of medicine 
I took them for nearly 6 months  then everything was better 
But i would have some symptoms that scares the hell out of me :
The most important ones : 
1- Hypnagogic hallucinations which i know they are normal but they were preventing me to sleep
2- voices pop in my mind when im anxious or in bed that would be memory of something i heard at the day or maybe some random phrases that make no sense 
3 - when im walking i would misidentifiy people for a glance ( a second or less) i would see a strange person and im like this is x (some one i know) but after a while a get scared and asking my self (am i really delusional or i just feel that the person looks like x)

4 - some really anomalous self-expirience 
Like sometimes when looking at a mirror i would have a weird feeling which make me panicked for a while
5- when thinking about existince i would literally get panicked and feeling to hit my head on the wall to shake the ideas
6- the solplism ocd made the way through all of this to make me question whether i believe that I'm only the existnce being which would put a barrier between me and others and scared the hell out of me(what if im convinced and being delusional) 
7- illusions ... Alot of them 
8- memory problems
............................
So i was off medicine but last two weeks everything was horrible I couldn't eat sleep or focus or do anything but obssessing and reading ( i read more than 1000 or 2000 scientist articals about schizophren prodrom) and how it is developed : 
And here what convinced me : 
Two scientist are specialized about schizophrena described this illness as a distrubtued of self 
And the mentioned about 57 anomalous self experiences that schizophrena patients described in their prodromal phase 
Which i could really relate to maybe 10 of the experiences 
..........
Second those two scientist described a compulsive mind-observation and the told some examples 
Which i think i can relate 
....
-One patient said that he couldnt hear to radio because she was thinking about the radio waves and its frequency comes to her head 
-And another was obssessing about thinking itself because if he wasn't thinking there he doesn't exist 
- and the last one describes that a simple act such as drinking water madehim think about every little detail to do it like going to kitchen oppening tap have the glass and full it then closing the tap 
.....
The three examples made the patient really anxious and exahusted and have oc symptoms 
And that what it think what is happening to me 
.....
Because litterelly when im walking i would look at a car and say its a car 
Or look at some one and says i know i dont think that man is someone i know but i think he looks like it 
And i know that Hypnagogic hallucinations and illusions are normal but still i got really frightened by them
And after reading about how schizophrinc would take much longer to understand the phrases because they analyse every single world i feel im doing this too
....
 I took ssri and antipsychotic (so low dose) for ocd
That was for maybe a year and half and I didn't recover which fuel the fear more of being at prodromal stage 
......
So the question for everyone with pure o schiz-ocd
Can you relate ? 
Do you ever hear about the ultra high risk people to psychosis and the tools that describe it like (Ease .. Caarms ..blibs... Sips ....sops) 
Or can you relate to the compulsive  mind-observation
.....
Please i need help 
Im in panic state even with my medicine and what should i do if the doctors in my country dont know about prodromal schizophrena alot 
And if this ever happens to you to question everything justs to check if you are being schizophrenic or not"
Anxiety,"Is my anxiety real I literally worry all the time about everything (e.g i’m 18 and I had a panic attack about how my parents were going to fix the boiler...) I wake up multiple times through the night with nightmares and i’m paralysed for at least a quarter of the day with thoughts which just leave me lying in bed doing nothing because I feel so overwhelmed. I fidget and pick my skin all the time, and I can’t fully stop however much I try.   But, I still get relatively good grades, have a few close friends and a boyfriend. However I feel like it’s difficult to interact with anyone outside these small circle of people and my family. Studying takes me a lot longer than it should. My parents recognise I have some kind of issue, but as I seem to function reasonably well they are not too bothered with getting me help. I recently started exercising which has helped, but it only really works temporarily for the few hours during and after exercising. Would it be worth seeking professional help? I feel like no-one takes me that seriously when I open up to them, because I seem like a privileged person who could not have these problems. But I feel so tense and miserable for a significant amount of the day, to the extent it’s becoming hard to cope. I guess I just need some reassurance as my family do not really believe psychological problems are significant."
Anxiety,"I just can't keep a job... I'm sure that this post will lead to a lot of judgement but honestly I don't care. I just need to get this off my chest.

I have been anxious since late childhood/my teenage years.

Now I'm in my mid 20s and I never had a stable job. Honestly, I don't know if this is because of my anxiety and depressive episodes/OCD and the eating disorder that I'm struggling with.

I have a good (formal) education and I have always been very succesful at school and at university. Maybe one of the best in the class/group. My teachers and my parents thought that I will have a bright future ahead of me but here I am... Fatigued, tired of my life, not being able to hold down even the simplest job (if there is any). I have tried a lot but I just seem to get overwhelmed and I don't show up or I quit via phone call. I just can't stand the thought of going to work so I don't show up and I get so frustrated...

I have tried working from home but it just made me more miserable. I crave human contact but I can't seem to make myself act like every other human being. I feel so tired from this way of living. I sound like a lazy piece of s\*it, I know. Maybe I am.

Every advice would be appreciated."
Anxiety,"Anxiety related breathing issue? Hello group! 

Question for you all! I notice that I constantly yawn/take deep breaths and sometimes my breaths are unfulfilling, where I have to do it again until “my breath goes in.” I also recently noticed that I breathe with my mouth instead of my nose (which is weird). I’m starting to correct my breathing as nose breathing is the way to go except when exercising. 

I went to my doctor about it and he said it’s most likely anxiety and not asthma related, although i’m not sure what i’m anxious about. Online says people get anxious about “not being able to breathe properly”, and that scares them. I also don’t have/experienced panic attacks. 

I’m posting here to see if people in this group have something similar, and if so how are you or how did you guys deal with it? 

And if I want to be a firefighter is this going to be an issue???

Thanks !!"
Anxiety,"I have a job interview for a promotion today! Send good vibes my way please! ☺️😊😁

Update: thank you so much everyone for the positive messages! I walked in feeling super confident, but.... 

I did not get the job. It turns out that I was vastly unprepared for the interview and I had no idea. The interviewer (internal promotion) explained to me that other applicants had gone to the location of the available job (store site) and spoke with different employees they would be working with, requested detailed financial statements and wrote up 90 day day-by-day plans for the store. 

Looking back now it seems obvious, but having been a temporary employee of that store when they were short staffed I figured I already had an insight to it and the day to day operations. I had asked a senior employee who has had the position I was interviewing for what I needed to do to prepare and he never mentioned any of these things. I know he didn’t do it maliciously, he’s a very scatterbrained person and was hand picked for the roll rather than going though the application process. 

Lucky for me my company wants employees who are eager to grow. The interview turned into a discussion about my current location and what is expected of me the next time I apply for a promotion. 

I was terrified that  I would make a catastrophic mistake during my interview and I did. While being so worried about my future with the company and being black listed if I messed up I had forgotten that the interviewers and managers are good and honest people who want to help their employees grow and succeed. Even if we do fail, sometimes there’s a hand ready to help us back up. "
Anxiety,"Abruptly quit the 3rd job I’d had in seven months. Feeling like I’m drowning. Any tips for distress tolerance, etc.? Back in March the dream job I’d been at for 4 years closed. I loved worked there, and my coworkers and boss were like family. This was especially distressing given that I haven’t had a job with a healthy environment since before then. So far I’ve gone through three jobs in the course of the last 7 months. Nothing feels like the right fit. And I basically have a panic attack and end up leaving without notice. So added layer of guilt for putting the employers through that. Does anybody have any advice as to some distress tolerance practices, or anything that helps them ride out a particularly terrible anxiety episode? I feel like the only solution is to run, and obviously I can’t keep this up. I need to hold down a job."
Anxiety,"guilt about not being able to drive other people i’m a decent driver, but i hardly drive. i’m 20F and have had a license for three years. however, i’m away at uni for most of the year in a college town where i never need to drive, therefore rarely get any practice. 

when it comes to driving other people, i get a lot of anxiety and get distracted easily. it’s like i completely forget how to drive and hyper focus on stuff like braking properly and the speed limit. i panic and get nervous, and then i cant think under pressure and drive dangerously. i hit curbs, make wrong turns, almost crash into things, and can’t even park properly, which almost never happens when i’m alone. 

because i’m afraid to get into an accident and having my friends/family’s life in my hands, i basically refuse to drive anyone and have never driven my friends. i think that my anxiety towards driving is dangerous and don’t trust myself behind the wheel with other people. 

however, this causes me a lot of guilt and i think it comes off as lazy/selfish even if i explain this to them. i’ve ended up canceling on a lot plans because of this, whether it’s road trips or just hanging out. 

i have a few plans coming up (two road trips + driving to see a friend) where others might expect me to drive, and i don’t know how to approach this. it seems like either cancel (which i don’t want to do) or feel extremely guilty :( another issue is that i’ve never learned to drive on the freeway"
Anxiety,"I need support I hate my job and I want to quit, I can not do customer service because it messes me up. People can be so horrible when you’re just trying to do your best and genuinely help them. 3 months ago I started pulling out my hair, I didn’t realise I had a problem until I had a bald patch. I’ve taken a lot of time off work because of my anxiety but I’m meant to be going back in to days. I’ve had trouble sleeping, nightmares where I have very real feeling panic attacks, nausea and I’ve been pulling my hair more. My mum and my boyfriend don’t like that I do it, and I don’t either! I hate it more than anyone but I feel like I can’t tell them when I do it because of the shame. I just need support right now."
Anxiety,"We were practicing Alright everyone, all of our anxiety and panic was just us practicing for a real-life survival situation. Now that we know we can handle it (and I know you can because you're reading this) let's stop practicing and get back to living. We know we can make it and we know we have more practice in a hectic situation than ""normal people,"" so let's put it aside until we really need it. Let your amygdala scare you a bit and tell it that you aren't in danger. Thank it for preparing you for danger and then tell it that you will call upon it when it is needed. Just know that we have been in situations where our amygdala has saved our lives at least once whether it was avoiding a car wreck or jumping out of the way of a snake so we wouldn't be here without it. It is our clingy friend, just firmly but politely let it know that we need some space of our own when you feel it approaching. You all are great and you've all made it this far. Keep on going, you absolute legends."
Anxiety,"Are you ""out""? Anxiety is still stigmatized and I'm wondering if sufferers were more open it would reduce stigmatization over time for everyone. Seems to have worked for the LGBT community\[1\]. So I thought asking this would help.

Are you ""out""? To family, friends, co-workers, etc?

Did coming ""out"" help you? Or hurt you? 

My therapist is advising me not to be ""out"" about my anxiety to anyone but close friends/family. But I feel like most people I know can deduce I have some mental health condition anyways.

\[1\] I'm not trying to imply that ""being gay"" is a medical condition."
Anxiety,"Trip in a month-ish involves airplane; first time since I (23F) was 2/3. Already getting very, very nervous. I had an appointment with my therapist two days ago and already addressed some concerns I'm already having; I'll have another session with her before my trip. So she knows, and we've talked about ways I can get my ducks in a row and feel more comfortable and in control. It's just that right now I feel like that's not good enough.


I'm a ""rookie flyer"" as we joked since I clearly won't be able to remember being on a plane at 2/3 years old, now that I can remember this, I find myself thinking up causes for concern. But these are the big ones: Could I get motion sick? It's happened before, could I potentially develop a migraine by traveling through a different method and my meds not be fast-acting for relief? Would something that helps my anxiety be confiscated by TSA, or get lost? 


All of this is probably worrying me a bit, or a lot, more with the current world situation. Travel by plane is completely out of my element, and I have no experience with the airports other than picking my brother up with the rest of my family for his Holiday Block Leave. Waiting for him so we could officially start his HBL was nerve-racking enough.


I'm just stuck with an anxiety spiral at the moment, and I guess I'm just not finding reassurance from other online forums."
Anxiety,"SHOULD I SEEK MEDICAL/PROFESSIONAL HELP IF I THINK I MAYBE SUFFERING FROM ANXIETY? Is having anxiety normal? at what stage does one seek help? should I normalise this feeling of being anxious, thinking ahead, fast heartbeat etc or look ( search online) for ways to deal with it myself( through mediation, mindfulness etc)

thank you"
Anxiety,"Today sucks. That’s ok. Tomorrow might not suck and even if it does that’s ok too. So not my usual smiley inspiring self today. You might have seen some of my past posts. Me with my massive cheesy grin and dimples doing some sort of exposure and kicking anxieties ass.  Well today I’m struggling. I have unpleasant feelings I desperately want to numb.

I want to post an image of me smiling to inspire you all but today that wouldn’t be authentic. Also someone took that function away which I’m also pretty gutted about. 

I’m going to try my best to let myself feel my feelings today and not fall into the belief that this will be forever. 

I love and appreciate you all and the encouragement you have given me over the last month. It helps me to hold onto the belief that it will get better and I do have something to offer the world."
Anxiety,Dreamt about crows Man today I dreamt of two crows sitting on the roof of my old house and said to my GF that its  bad omen. Now I can´t stop thinking about it and im going on an anxiety spiral thinking that might be related to my death.
Anxiety,"(TW) Coping by sleeping? ----(TW- Mentions SH)----


So a while back my anxiety started getting extremely bad. To the point where the second I feel like I've made a mistake or that someone is upset with me, I immediately feel like I'm dying and like my heart is about to explode. I've always had mental health issues and I found cutting myself as a way to cope with that but now that I have been actively making an effort to stop and put that part of my life behind me, I started to notice something weird. Now when my anxiety gets really bad, I shut down everything and force myself to sleep through it because I can't handle being awake in that moment. I'd rather be unconscious than to feel all that stress and panic in my body.
Does anyone else experience this or is there something more than just plain ol anxiety going on here?"
Anxiety,"was this an anxiety/panic attack So,

I'm at my apartment to which i moved in a month ago (i was living with my parents before) and I'm watching a movie when all of a sudden i started feeling this pressure in my chest and in my head, and all i was thinking was how I'm going to die and have a heart attack, I even started unlocking my apartment door and wanting to get out to the hall and scream for help, and then after i took a couple of deep breaths and some cold water and tried to calm mysel down I started to feel better and like pretty much nothing happened but I'm pretty scared at the moment and afraid to go to sleep

Has anyone experienced something similar, any tips, what should I do? I'm freaking out"
Anxiety,"Hands felt all tingly last night and woke up with them tingly, reassurance needed. Is it just anxiety manifesting? it’s not like full on pins and needles but i can feel it tingling slightly in both hands. It’s getting on my nerves literally."
Anxiety,"How to do you handle your anxiety surrounding your family. My family is planning a 4 day beach trip this summer with a total of 19 family members 7 children and 12 adults. We are all going to the coast and have rented a huge house (about four thousand square feet). I live in a tiny apartment with my boyfriend of 8 years, 8 month old puppy, and two rats. The weekend before the trip all of my family is flying in from allover the US and staying at my parents house for a few days before the masses caravan to the coast. My sister has decided that she and her husband (together about 2 yrs total, married about 6 months) will be staying at our apartment for the weekend prior to the departure, instead of renting a hotel (My parents house is maxed out so my sister got demoted). I do have a spare room but no mattress or anything for them to sleep on and it is super cramped with stuff, my massive rat habitat and my work from home office space. I don't really fancy her husband that much, as I really don't know him too well and it makes me crazy anxious having people I don't really click with in my space. I didn't offer the space to her she just kind of told me she was staying with me. So I don't know how to kindly tell he ""Be an adult and book a goddamn hotel"".
Secondly my boyfriend has recently started up college to finish his degree. As a result he is not working so I am supporting us. My boyfriend feels extremely embarrassed that he isn't working so I have kept it from my family. This isn't a big deal to me but if my sister is staying here on days that he used to always work and then not seeing him go to work, the cat is obviously going to be out of the bag. Bring on the judgement cards from my little sister...
I am just not ready to handle 24/7 with my entire family for 7ish days. I really don't like children and I am going to be living in a house for 4 days with 7 children. And my family is religious and a good portion of them Trump supporters. I got out of the last family vacation 2ish years ago, but I am locked in on this one. 

So tell me how do I cope with so many people so different than myself. I have the impending doom of being asked questions of - ""When are you and your bf going to get married?"", ""When are you going to start having children?"", ""How many children are you planning on having?"", ""How is your walk with Jesus?"". I can't deal like seriously. I get that they might be just trying to engage in conversation and don't know what to talk about, but the questions are going to come. I guess 8 years in a relationship and being almost 32 by the trip can raise a few eyebrows as to why i haven't popped any. I kind of wish I would be seen as who I really am - a well educated, financially independent, free spirited, successful career woman who loves to travel, loves being a pet parent, and loves life just the way it is. And most of all of those things I have a partner who would do anything for me and who I love with every ounce of my being. 

There is more to me than just my left ring finger and my uterus.

This was more like a word vomit rant. Advise on copping mechanisms, what to say when the questions come rolling in, and how to handle so many people of such different walks of life than my own, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!"
Anxiety,"Have you ever had or do you currently get rude thoughts about your significant other and his/her weight? Thoughts about not wanting to be with that person? That you don’t want to be there? 
If so, how have you been handling this?

What are your thoughts on this?"
Anxiety,"24/7 constant sensation can’t breathe properly. Help I posted previously but was unable to see the comments as my post was removed. I am 23 years old, I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks since childhood but no physical health issues for some background information. Since January and before what was going on currently When trying to breathe in it feels like I'm only getting half the oxygen Travelling through my airways. It’s getting to my lungs it’s just the process of it getting there. I cant quite describe the sensation I feel when I breathe just that its not normal and doesnt feel right and I'm not inhaling as well as I used to. Almost like there's a block of some sort. This lasts all day every day till i go to sleep and I am now confined to my room as I'm too terrified to do anything in case I stop breathing and die. Here are the things I've tried: *Anxiety/Depression Medication (2 different kinds with no effect) *Lung function/Spirometry test (Normal results) *ENT visit with camera up nose and down throat checking the throat and vocal cords (Everything was normal) *Blood test (all normal) *Tried a generic allergy medication (no effect) *Oxygen levels are always 96-100 *ECG (normal results) *Chest and neck X-ray (all normal)*in touch with two psychiatrists*  I'm sure there is more but this is what I remember off the top of my head. I do have anxiety but the root of this issue is not that. I do have some anxiety attack type things happen but that's only when I'm really struggling to breathe and the panic sets in. My doctor insists its anxiety but I'm not convinced as it feels too real. I am very careful not to exert myself and walk extra slowly as not to get out of breath because i feel if I get out of breath then my breathing won't resume to 'normal' and whatever this problem is will worsen and I'll end up in hospital. Any advice, ideas, etc... would be greatly appreciated of if anyone's going through the same thing. Also I do anything to avoid getting out of breath by exerting myself. I’m terrified of it. I feel like if that happens it will trigger whatever it is that isn’t being picked up on tests and it will take getting out of breath to reveal what the breathing problem is if that makes sense? I feel like I sound like I’m going insane saying it. Because if it already feels so strained I can’t imagine what it would be like getting out of breath and my airways ceasing up if that’s what the problem is. Does anyone feel the same I don’t know what to do"
Anxiety,"Wow. So let’s talk about Prozac. I take a generic of Prozac and today for the first time I took it without eating. 
Dude. The heartburn was REAL. It was intense AF. I thought my chest was going to explode plus my throat was on fire. This lasted for about an hour of intense heartburn. I took 4 tums and when those didn’t work drank some baking soda and water.
2 hours later, and after a nap, I woke up with my chest still not feeling good but better, and then basically had water sh*ts for the next hour on and off. Have not eaten today pretty much bc I don’t want to try to stomach anything and have it not settle.
It is 8 hours later and I still feel like there is a lump in my throat and my chest is still sore. 

Jesus. Never again."
Anxiety,Anxiety over coughing and chest cold. Help Omg having massive anxiety over chest infection and phlegm. I'm so scared I'm going to choke on phlegm it gets stuck in my throat. I'm fighting coughing because I cant catch my breath. I can hear my chest rattling and I feel like I am hyperventilating I'm so scared. 
Anxiety,"Bad Memory caused by anxiety or Anxiety caused by bad memory? Hi all,

​

My memory is awful - people constantly give me grief about it, sometimes in good jest, other times is horrible.

​

People get really frustrated with me and I'm in HR-level trouble in work because of it.

​

I'm just thinking, if the memory could be causing the anxiety and if I need to look at treating things the other way around?

​

I've had concussion 5 times and lots of head trauma. Anxiety started post-university when i couldn't get a job

​

thanks

​

x"
Anxiety,"I want to change jobs but my anxiety is making me struggle I’m a security guard, it’s exactly as the title says, there’s other jobs I feel like I would be qualified for but I’m so scared of failing I don’t even try. Not to mention that I don’t even know where to start with resumes and cover letters and what if they want a video interview or even worse an in person interview and I have to dress nice. I started off loving my job, everything was fine, the pay was adequate for the job being done and I thought the company was great. It turns out the company is in fact not great and also had a very long USA Today article written about it and how it wasn’t so great but I was noticing things before the article came out. In my 4 years of working here I’ve only been given one raise and one bonus in the form of a $50 Amazon gift card. My boss is terrible. My fellow supervisors are also terrible, one of them has been letting another employee sleep on duty because she says he’s a good worker. There’s a literal hole in the floor where I work and we have it covered up with a piece of plywood but that was also getting a hole in it so we covered that up with a plastic cover but that also got holes so we had to cover the holes up with duct tape. 
I want to apply to be an Escrow assistant even though I have no experience the job listing says they’re willing to train and that would be a $4.50 an hour pay increase and I think I could get the job but it’s a mental battle with myself whether or not I should even apply. Even if I got the job I would have so much anxiety about just showing up everyday and what type of clothing to wear. I don’t want to be stuck being complacent in a job I hate but I also really hate the prospect of being the new person somewhere and everything that comes along with that and what if I hate it just as much there."
Anxiety,"Death Anxiety Rant. It is Currently 2:25. 
I’m sitting on my bathroom floor listening to Fade to black by Metallica. 
Having a very bad Anxious episode. 
7 hours ago, wave of anxiety hit me. 
I didn’t know where it was coming from 
Why it was here or why i deserved it. 
It just, Hit me. 
Now i’m sitting here in my bathroom thinking i’m gonna die, Or that death is coming soon. 
I’ve been feeling this way for months but sometimes at night, I’m almost sure i will die. 
I just feel like my time has come, Although i’m not ready for my time to be up. 
But that’s life. 
And that’s death.
Your never ready, Sometimes we wish we could live as immortals. Sometimes we wish to Leave earlier. 
I know that one day we all must go, And that’s just the hard pill i can never seem to swallow. 
These thoughts of Sudden Death keep me awake at night. 
I don’t wanna die, But if i do. 
I of course wanna be in heaven. 
I wanna be up there with everyone from the past, i’ll Finally be able to meet Chris Cornell, Layne Staley, Eddie Van Halen, Joey Jordison and even some past pets and People of my own. 
But that’s if i get into heaven. 
Because who knows where you go after you die. 
Reincarnation? Hell for eternity? Heaven And live Life? Who knows. 
That’s the scary part. 
What the hell is the after life about? 
Yet i’d keep wondering What it’s about than Live in the after life. 
It seems so scary. 
But i know it can be so beautiful. 
But i cannot live without most things on earth, For how would i live In the afterlife? 
I’d rather become a reincarnation, Live anther life and forgive and forget about this one. 
But i’m not saying i want to at this moment. 
But remember how i said life isn’t fair? 
And neither is death? 
That’s the most scary part. 
Sudden, Surprising, Shocking, Tragic Death. 
No warning sometimes. 
That’s the part that’s really hell. 
So, I’m here so ask, Does anyone else have death anxiety? Or is it just the girl that sits on bathroom floor at 2:35 on a Wednesday afternoon? 
Anyone? Anyone at all?…"
Anxiety,"I'm so tired but I'm scared to fall asleep I'm so scared that if i fall asleep I'll die but I'm so so so so tired. I'm scared that maybe I'll stop breathing, or I'll choke on my tongue, or I'll have a heart attack and I'll be dead. i get on the verge of sleep but then i remember that i can die during sleep so i jolt up. i haven't been myself recently. I'm always so scared and sad. I'm always scared something is gonna happen and I'm sad and so unmotivated to do anything that i haven't showered in 2 days. i know that's gross but I'll take a shower in the morning. I'm 15 and my family doesn't have a history of heart attacks so idk why I'm so scared i just am. what should I do? i see my psychiatrist tomorrow."
Anxiety,"I just spent the last two days in the ER. How can this disease make you feel like you're dying? Yesterday I got my first really strong panic attack. I think it was triggered by a little bit of smoke I had (which is very normal for me). I was driving back to my house from visiting my parents and out of nowhere I can't feel my hands anymore. My heart is beating fast as it ever has so I pulled over. By the time I managed to pull over I lost feeling of my whole arms and my legs were starting to go. I barely managed to call 911 before I started hyperventilating in my car. The paramedics showed up and tried everything to calm me down but nothing would work. My heart beat went up to 200 bmp and my WHOLE body was tingling and I felt like I was dying. I just got discharged and absolutely nothing is wrong with me, I'm as healthy as I can be. But I don't feel healthy. I feel like I can barely breathe , like something is seriously wrong with my lungs. I just wanted to vent this out a little bit I guess, I'm gonna go get some more tests done tomorrow, wish me luck guys. "
Anxiety,"Application Anxiety Hi reddit,

I hope you all are having excellent days. For the past months, I have been feeling severe anxiety about my application to a program I want to get into. It’s competitive, similar to med school. 35 people are admitted out of 200, and I’m competing with professionals who completed their bachelors, masters, and were even professionals in the discipline in other countries. I’m currently in my undergrad.

I applied last year, but it was rushed and I didn’t ask for any help. Of course, I didn’t get into the program. This year, I think I’ve had a constant feeling of low level anxiety since I’ve been rejected. I only have two chances to get in, so this is my last chance. 

I’ve done so much to get in. I’ve gained relevant experiences in about 10 different positions, and I’ve worked to get my gpa to a high level. I’ve got my application checked over and reviewed 18 separate times with mostly different people. I was feeling good about my application. 

After talking to my peers who are also looking to get into the program, I now feel anxious and inadequate. I can’t stop comparing myself and feeling horribly scared for my future. I don’t want to be a failure, and I’m afraid if I don’t get into the program, I will never achieve my life goals.

I’ve tried to talk to counsellors and sign up for programs, but the closest counsellor appointment is a week from now. 

I feel like I won’t be able to cope with the idea of not getting in. Please help. :( "
Anxiety,"Have you ever been amazed by people that don't seem to worry at all My sister is a prime example of someone that never worries, dont get me wrong I've seen her worry but never to a point of obsession. Recently she got a letter from the IRS saying that she filed her taxes wrong and she was overpaid. She had to set up a phone meeting with someone  to discuss it. She was more annoyed than worried, and after she read the letter she went out with her friends for dinner and was fine. If that had been me I would have obsessed and been so consumed with the entire thing. I started googling things and read horror stories about the IRS taking people's wages etc. I was worried for her.  But she just went on with life, when I asked her if she was scared she said ""Scared for what shit like this happens all the time I'm not the first person who's done it"". Long story short she spoke with someone from the IRS she set up a payment plan and will be paying them back, no big deal. 

I've always been amazed at how she can just brush things off like that and just go on with life. Granted she can be a bit careless at times and has done some risky things  but sometimes I wish I was like that. 

Have you ever been in awe by someone's ability to just not worry about things? lol"
Anxiety,"Anxiety much better once it gets later in the day. For some reason my anxiety and OCD gets much better at night. Idk why but I feel almost normal the later it gets and I feel almost even manic. Idk if I’m the only one that this happens to. It’s just very confusing. I’m exhausted and anxious all day and then around 8 or 9 I start to feel like my old self again. I become very calm and become very aware of my thoughts, in a good way. I can think clearly about everything. I also get a burst of energy and feel great. Then I can’t fall asleep until like 2 in the morning. Is this a common thing for people or am I some sort of outlier?"
Anxiety,"Want to seek a therapist but unsure of the process. Can anyone guide me to find the right professional? Hi all,

Like the title says, I want to talk to a health professional about my anxiety and addiction issues but not sure how to go about it. It looks like therapists also specialize in mental health conditions and I can't just walk into any therapist's office. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202001/how-find-the-right-therapist

I have anxiety, depression, obsessive intrusive thoughts, compulsive behavioral addiction, CPTSD and that's just things I can think of right now.

Am I overthinking this? I'm looking forward to chat with anyone who's currently in therapy and pick your brain."
Anxiety,"I could really use some advice for handling anxiety in a relationship. So a lil back story on us, my last relationship was beginning of my senior year so I was 17 and ended right before I turned 18, I’m 22 now. She is 21 and 6 or 7 months ago just got out of an almost 3 year long relationship and was in a relatively long one before that I just can’t remember the exact number. So obviously, she is a lot more mature than I am when it comes to relationships. I don’t mind this, it’s actually really good for me I think because seeing her perspective on different things shows me other pov’s. 

But I struggle with overthinking a lot and she knows about and does put in effort to help give me reassurance if she’s gonna be busy and she won’t be able to talk for awhile. But lately our texts have been few and far between and we haven’t FaceTimed that much. We live 2 and a half hours away so that’s where we talk the most. It’s mostly because she just got a new job and finals are coming but I still can’t help but to feel like I’m doing something that’s pushing her away. 

She’s said before that she isn’t very good at texting which is understandable, so am I but what really gets me anxious is if I text her and she posts stuff on social media, or dm’s me somethin but then doesn’t respond back to me on text. Or today she’s responded on insta dm a couple times and still hasn’t texted me back. 

I just don’t know how to deal with this kinda stuff, so if anyone has any advice please tell me. I really like her and I know she likes me too but over analyzing every little thing is gonna drive me insane and I really don’t wanna mess this up because I’m being too needy."
Anxiety,"Shortness of Breath over a couple days Hi friends,

shortness of breath has been a common symptom of mine when i have anxiety/panic attacks which usually passes after about 10-20 minutes, but over the last three days it seems to be staying for a couple hours and then goes away. This is starting to freak me out a little bit, my rational mind is telling me that if it goes away for a couple hours, then it has to be anxiety but my anxiety mind is in full freak-out mode saying something is seriously wrong this time. Has anyone experienced shortness of breath similar to this because of anxiety?"
Anxiety,"White coat syndrome Do you think when your blood pressure spikes because of extreme anxiety it can trigger a heart attack? Been told by a doc that it cant, but I have my doubts. Opinions?"
Anxiety,"One way or another, you will learn how to recover from anxiety. Trust me on this, coz I have been through the same. It took me a long time and a lot of courage to write this article as well as posting it online. I don’t know about others but talking about your lows and insecurities is never an easy task for anybody. I don’t know when I began to realize that I, was depressed, so much that I couldn’t muster any motivation to do anything, even things I liked, cherish people I loved. I pushed people away, broke relations, got frustrated at the shortcomings of things and this melancholic list is only going to rage on. After all that damage, after burning all my bridges, I got a blank slate that made me realize what I’ve become. I can make up for the damage I’ve done to innate objects but I don’t know how to make up for the relations I lost. I’m just hoping to try my luck at recovering what’s lost.

Happiness

  I am free and that is why I am lost. - Kafka


For a long time, I thought I was happy. But how can you know that you’re happy? I don’t know. I really had no challenges in life to make me worry over the day to day flow of my life. I guess I considered that happiness. My family let me explore any avenues I wanted, given that I stay focused on my studies and don’t do anything immoral. I stayed true to that. Except for the fact that I ruined my college life. I explored, learned, tried new things and I was happy! I knew things (unlike Tyrion Lannister, who drinks a lot as well), I have no pressure of expectations from anybody - what could go wrong? For a time, that was true. Maybe I was happy. I’m saying maybe because I never found a definite answer because all this time I was lying to myself and soon enough I was going to crash on a wall on the happy ride freeway (or Autobahn as the Germans call it).

False Expectations


I used to say that I’m pretty lucky, given all the tight situations I’ve gotten out of in my life. And, that somewhat made me over-confident that I’ll always get through difficult situations. However, riding your luck isn’t like riding a bicycle on a smooth road. It’s like riding a raging bull. You can get overthrown anytime.

The problem doesn’t end there. When everything is going your way, you start creating expectations for people around you, regardless of the degree of involvement they have with you or the relationship they’ve with you. My case was no exception. I created expectations and made promises I couldn’t fulfill. I got frustrated at that, which made people frustrated at me. Instead of facing the problems, I tried running away, over and over again, ignoring them and pretending as if nothing had happened. Troubles kept mounting. And then came the time for the collapse.

The raging bull finally throw me under its feet and crushed everything I had or pretended that I still had.


Money

  Even if no salvation should come, I want to be worthy of it at every moment. - Kafka


Some people get very happy when they get money. They can get anything they want now. I’m pretty sure about this at least that this one thing never bothered me. I could’ve asked my parents for money if I ever wanted, mostly for gadgets and games I played. For a time, it was good. Out of nowhere, I found an alternative, and then suddenly it wasn’t.

I wanted to get away from the frustration mounting around me, as I said earlier, I just wanted to run away, instead of facing them. I started seeking refuge in innate objects - the gadgets I was so passionate about, games I used to play. It never occurred to me that I was buying one thing after another indiscriminately, without even thinking whether I’d need them or not at all. I didn’t realize buying stuff can never make me happy, be it for myself or someone else. I was spending money on sports that had no future thinking that could reflect my life. At a point in my life, this all seemed unimportant to me and I got myself into drugs. And good lord that I will regret till the death of mine. Although it was the only way that I felt calm and forgot about reality. But that’s a different topic for a different day. Most importantly I was just trying to hide behind these and run away. You can’t hide behind money or the things you can buy with it and pretend like there’s nothing bad in your life. Consider this an ominous sign in your life.

I’m alone inside the world of the story, my favorite feeling in the world. - Murakami


Expression and Frustration

I carry the bars within me. - Kafka


I grew up alone, had no friends until I went to school because there’s nobody of my age at that time in the family or in the neighborhood. Sounds strange? Yeah, that’s how it was. I had no problem over that, ever. I had Swat Cats, puppies, Beyblade Burst, DBZ, and numerous hits to make my child and teen-hood worthwhile. Not to mention the video games of that time. Even EA and Ubisoft used to make good games then. It was fun but it also cost me something. I knew what to say to people but could never express it properly, always thinking I can do it my way and people won’t understand, as people around me always used to say, “You’re too young to understand”.

I used to talk to myself when I was a kid. Couldn’t get rid of this habit to this day. I considered my imaginary self the only who I can have a meaningful conversation with. I could tell everything to myself but not to others. Oftentimes I was prepared to say something but what came out was entirely different. Eventually, I stopped telling people how I felt or what I thought, keeping everything to myself. Even if I did it was an outburst, originating from my frustration at things. And it always gave the wrong message.


Love

 You are the knife I turn inside myself; that is love. That, my dear, is love. - Kafka


I fell in love with a wonderful girl. I was in my college years, enjoying the company of friends, and seeing her every day. It was all I wanted.  Then it started falling apart. I realized she doesn’t give a damn about it because she already found the right fit for her jigsaw puzzle; despite everything I had for her. Is love a construct of equal exchange? I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t. How’re you going to quantify the affection when someone has opened up their entire being for you? Wouldn’t it be an insult even trying to quantify that? I got frustrated, angry, and grew tired of accepting my fate, subconsciously, and consciously as well. All my life, what I really wanted to say or do never happened. I felt betrayed as if only one person had the right to express their feelings. Well, I’m kind of numb in this department so she won it. I lost. I had created false expectations. Our relation paid the highest price for it.

I forgot that I don’t have the ability to love; I can only lie to myself that I love her, as I’ve been lying to myself over everything else in my life. I never understood love. I’m still confused. My only wish is that she gives me a chance to redeem myself from what I went into. Maybe, now, I can create the right expectations and no exaggerations. Maybe one day my what causes my dreams will come true. I don't believe in spiritual powers or the afterlife. But I really hope I go to heaven so I can see you there once again.

 I dream of a grave, deep and narrow, where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us anymore. - Kafka


Perhaps there’s no salvation for me in your court. I still want to try, as I always have, only this time, I’m not taking anything for granted and willing to accept my fate.

__

Contemplation

Wherever I turn, the black wave rushes down on me. - Kafka


I decided to leave this country for good. I feel like there’s nothing left for me here. By the time of this writing, I got myself admitted to a training center for IELTS. During these six months, wandering among the roads of Dhanmondi, I realized what I’d done. And it came like a gust of wind.


I’m a photographer by hobby. But Something was missing from my photos. What was it? How much of it was missing? It wasn’t sure until I realized that I found the missing piece - people. I grew up so alone that I never considered that we all need people in our lives to make it lively and give it new dimensions. Life is like a picture. A barren landscape with a high contrast filter may look good for a while but you’ll soon get tired of it. I began asking myself questions about past events and everything I did and why. I pushed myself to find a reason.


 It took some time, but the answers finally started pouring in like monsoon. I discovered myself depressed and why it happened but never knew how to get out of it.

I had only one solution in mind. Gratitude and simplicity - constructs I hardly thought about. I tried narrowing down my life and taking responsibility for the things I had done. It wasn’t easy but now, I no longer feel the frustration but only the agony of my actions. I can’t take it all back. Some deeds are irreversible. And we fragile humans need to accept that.


Light at the end of the tunnel


Seeing light at the end of the tunnel can mean anything. I don’t know what it has in store for me. As much optimistic as I am, I’ve trained myself to accept how life is. Accepting how things are is the biggest step someone can take, I guess. I grew a tiny little hope that someday my dreams may come true. And if you think you can change it, why not give it a try? I see no harm in that at all!


Maybe working on the little things as dutifully and honestly as we can is how we stay sane when the world is falling apart. - Murakami"
Anxiety,I basically never go to school and feel so pathetic cause I just feel like I can't go So basically I just get up and do all the normal stuff I'm ready to go to school then I just don't go and I stay in my house sometimes I'm confident enough to go out but most of the time I get there then just walk home but rarely I'll get confident then I'll go for a day or two but then I'll just not go for the rest of the week and my stuff gets taken off of me today my stuff's gonna be taken again and I don't know if I should just ask my parents about like if i have stuff wrong with me like obviously I do but I mean idk what exactly it is and I feel so stupid and pathetic and I can't really speak and i have like 2 friends and everyone in school doesn't like me I don't even look bad and im not that stupid I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm kind of rambling anyway if anyone can help it would be very nice I'm 15 and a boy just to let you know if that's important idek 😔
Anxiety,"SSRI alternatives that wont cause sexyal dysunction : relationships Anyone been on any other medication that has seemingly done the job or mitigated the crippling effects of anxiety and its comorbid cousins. Iv'e tried Paxil and Effexor before and like anything the dead bedroom side effects always out weigh the positive effects while in a relationship.  It's a curse to be in a relationship taking these medications, and the results are always the same. Emotions get blunted, erectile dysunction is expected to the point where you start developing performance anxiety because you know that the sex is going no where.  Viagra helps with an erection, but is useless towards the effects of serotionin, seeing as your libido and arousal are what cause that primal desire to have sex, and orgasm.  Partner feels rejected, and it's a constant cycle of emotions that simply doesn't work in my relationship.

​

Buspirone has been on my list forawhile. It seems to be approved for GAD.

​

Pregablin is approved through out europe for GAD.  However I keep reading a lot of threads on the cognitive impairment, followed by memoery problems associated with this drug. Like anything though, You are more likely to find a few threads on peoples troubles versus the millions of people who have success.  Still messes with my viewpoint.

​

Bupropion (wellbutrin)  I have tried this but if i remember correctly it gave me anxiety, and heightened depression.

​

I really dont know anymore.  How could a drug thats so beneficial to making our minds clean be an absolute death sentence to relationships.  (ssri)."
Anxiety,"I have to be sober indefinitely. I had some issues with drinking for the past years. I used it to escape all sorts of problems and it seemed like it made me feel invincible.
But just this year, I grew out of drinking and I figured out that it was just making my anxiety so much worse. Recently, my roommates and I got drunk for the first time in months. I had forgotten about its effects on me. And now, I regret it so much. For the past weeks, I have been doing so well. And all that progress is now gone. I just feel so bad.
Now I'm thinking about being legit sober indefinitely. And I guess I have commitment issues, and I'm scared that I might not be able to commit to this.
It's just that, for months, I kind of avoided drinking not because of my own will, but because of circumstances. I didn't have anyone to drink with, I was too busy, I can't drink out. And now that I have to say no to it whenever there's a chance, I don't know if I can do that.
I think I'm just making a big deal out of this. I mean I might not be able to have a chance to drink for the next few months."
Anxiety,"Does anyone else experience this? Hi friends,

I have been trying to google this thing I have been experiencing but I haven't found anything that accurately describes it so I am wondering if anyone else experiences the same?!

Ever since I was a child, I have had random experiences where it sounds like there is loud noise in my head... it's not like specific voices or anything, it is more like background noise that isn't really there as if you are in a crowd with lots of talking but can't hear anything specific. It makes me feel anxious when it happens but I have no clue what brings it on or what it is?

Please let me know if you know what I mean/ experience something similar!"
Anxiety,"CBD and Anxiety Hi, I'm Joshua . I am researching an article on whether CBD shows signs of improvement on people with anxiety. Could you'll help me with your personal experience.?

Kind regards,

Joshua Fernando"
Anxiety,"Quitting Vaping I’ve been vaping for around a year. My body is so used to the nicotine, and I’ve been spending all my money on this habit. It’s stupid. The pods taste like shit and it sucks up my money, and it doesn’t even get you high. Last night I burned all my vapes, chargers, and pods in the fire. Was equivalent to burning 100$. I’m gonna take a walk with my Grandma today to the drug store, buy some nicotine gum. UPDATE: TOOK UP CIGARS"
BPD,"Sleep Deprivation as a Coping Mechanism? Does anyone else use sleep deprivation as a (probably) unhealthy way of coping with different situations?

I, for example, have a ""favorite person"" problem, where I ""obsess"" over a friend to the point where my whole mood during a day completely depends on them. If everything is good between us, I'm happy, but if I start to feel abandoned or rejected, my anxiety, overthinking and bad thoughts hit the roof.

A few times already, I've found myself using sleepless nights as a way to cope with a bad ""favorite person"" day. For example, if one day I feel rejected, I may end up not sleeping that night, because if I sleep, I feel as if the whole day was wasted. I feel as if I ended that day with failure. But if I don't sleep at all, my mind doesn't seem to ""reset"", and the next day doesn't feel like a new day. Both days just feel like one long day. So, by not sleeping, I feel as if the day isn't over yet, as if I didn't fail, and as if I can still save it.

Is anyone else familiar with sleep deprivation as a coping mechanism?"
BPD,"Always the loser I dont want to be here anymore. After years of failing and never having anything I wanted I finally worked so hard and got so close. I lost weight. I was doing well at a great job. I was close to getting a dog. And I almost had the girl of my dreams. And for once in my life I had my issues under control. And I lost all of it. 

I have unexpected undiagnosed health issues causing me extreme pain daily. I can't work anymore and am close to losing my job. I has to spend my dog fund just to stay afloat. And the girl of my dreams got fucked up, messed around with me after I told her no and lied to me. Told me everything I wanted to hear my whole life. And now she is distant from me because she regrets it. 

I just dont know what to do anymore. Even when I'm not the one fucking up I'm still the loser. I'll never be successful. I'll never be wanted. I'll never be healthy. I'll never be happy. No matter what I do or how much I change. I'll always be the loser. And I just dont want to live with that anymore."
BPD,"Best countries to live in with BPD As the United States has become a sad place for those of us that struggle with serious mental disorders, not to mention the nightmare caused by Trump and our political system since 2016, I’ve started wondering about other places that might be more hospitable or at least empathetic to those of us with BPD.  I do well in my job and make good money, but my company-sponsored healthcare does not cover my very expensive DBT program, so I’m paying $350/week out of pocket.  And then there is the stigma.

What other counties are there that are most accepting and have better health care options where a US citizen may be able to live and work?"
BPD,"Want to stop being such a toxic person I want to stop getting into stupid situations and sucking the life out everyone around me. I can't seem to make things better for myself or show some improvement.

Just one example - earlier this week my mental health team had a serious talk to me about how I need to put effort in and to try to resist unhealthy behaviours. That evening I needed space and left my phone on do not disturb and a friend worried about me (for context 2 weeks ago she called an ambulance to interrupt an attempt) called the police for a welfare check. The police after seeing I'd been self harming took me into the hospital. Was so annoyed with myself and embarrassed that after I was medically cleared, I refused to see the crisis team and discharged myself and ignored phone calls from my case manager."
BPD,"My wife put a restraining order on me I have bpd,severe depression, severe anxiety,  and PTSD. I also suffer from extreme night terrors.  I take a lot of meds to help me get through life.  When I take my night time meds they knock me out for a long time.  I woke up today with a sheriff's card taped to my door. I tried calling my wife but it went to vm. I call the sheriff and he brought the paperwork to me. I cant see my wife and son for 90 days. I dont even know what I did. It says on the paperwork that I hurt her but I have no memory of it. I really dont know what to do.  I got a DUI in March and I have to go back to court in a couple weeks but I have no way of getting there. They'll issue a warrant for my arrest and I'll spend sometime locked up. I hate myself and my life. I think this is it for me. I just want this to be a twisted joke or nightmare. 

*edit*
Turns out I didnt hurt her. A friend came over because my wife asked her to check on me. She did this to me because she thinks itll force me to get my shit together. I understand that and can forgive it, what I cant forgive is the fact that she took my son away from me. No warning, just up and left."
BPD,"I need to tell someone this. So I work at a car dealership, we had a car towed in by a shop who bought it at auction with no keys to get keys made and programmed. Car is almost brand new has 400 miles on it and is covered in dust like it's been sitting for years. I get in the car to get the mileage and the battery is dead as hell. Start to realize car smells like human shit and something else. Smells awful, and it's clear carpet has been partially pulled. I talk to the shop who sent it and asked what happened and why it smells so bad. I find out, someone killed themselves in the car. They owned it less then 30 days before they took their own life in it. Me and the technician found blood in the car under the driver seat. Turns out the window that's open isnt down. It's broken. Based on the information I've found he was likely in the car for days in the late summer/fall before he was found. 

I'm saying this because as someone who has unsuccessfully attempted suicide multiple times. Between overdoses, holding a gun to my head, cutting my wrists open, seeing the aftermath of someone who went through with it. I can't help but imagine his last moments in the car, how he did it, what the car looked like before cleaned, what was going through his head. And it makes me wonder if any of my attempts had succeeded, what the people who came to clean up the mess would have went through or thought or wondered. The guy who would be replacing the carpet in my apartment, would he be feeling like this? What did the first responders think when they found him? Theres so many different thoughts going through my head right now. 

Through a bit of googling I found a picture of him and that's about it. And honestly i just cant help but feel my heart break for him and his family. And it just gives so much perspective on the many nights I just wanted it to end and didn't care. I've always thought of how others would be affected. But this is the first time I've seen even a sliver first hand, and its shaken me. 

Stay strong everyone. I love you. You are loved. Don't leave us. 

❤"
BPD,"i fucked up my partner planned everything for my birthday. and i went and the first thing i told him was that i was upset because i wanted him to spend more time with me. and then the next day i have a full
blown panic attack because he’s too tired to have sex with me. today, i apologized profusely and felt awful, and told him that he didn’t do anything wrong. that it was me. that it was all me. he took me home and dropped me off and i started to feel okay, using my coping mechanisms. i ask him for reassurance that we’re gonna be okay, and he said that he loves me, but things right now aren’t okay. he’s tired and drained. 

and now i’m freaking out because I think he’s gonna break up with me. I can’t stop thinking about how horrible I am and how much i don’t deserve him. i’m a wreck and I’m so scared and feel like I wanna die or hurt myself."
BPD,"What can I say to make her go away? The friendship was so toxic. She knew she had BPD but wanted to use me as her therapist instead of getting professional help. I tried to stay and be supportive, but my mental health started to plummet while caring for her. Boundaries were not respected and I didn’t have it in me to keep trying. 11 months ago I ended things. Since then she has made multiple email address, phone numbers, facebooks, snapchats, etc. She hates me. She loves me. Please come back. I hope you die. Each day the message is different. She is now contacting my family and friends. I am off of all social media, changed my number, and changed my email address. I’m thinking about moving since she knows my address. I’m so upset that I can’t interact with my friends on SM because I’m hiding from her. Is there anything I can say to get her to understand how I’m feeling? Or do I just pray that she doesn’t find my new number and eventually gets tired of harassing me?"
BPD,"i hurt my partner a lot, but im trying to work on it and they don't seem to care anymore which hurts a lot bcs i cant lose them, what do i do  

hi, i really need advice regarding something. long story short, i have bpd, and its very bad. please don't ask me to go to therapy bcs i live in an abusive household where i cannot move a limb without permission let alone get therapy. neither can i afford it. so well, the problem is that, almost 3 years back i fell in love with someone and i did EVERYTHING i could to make them love me back. i was constantly testing their loyalty. mthe very basis of our friendship was me faking my death so that they would notice me and show me sympathy and we would grow closer. which is what happened. eventually it got worse, i started to make fake accounts posing to be other people and telling them my life story and portraying myself as a miserable person that needed them and i lied, manipulated, gaslighted them a LOT. i did so very many disgusting things that even i cannot say. i emotionally abused them a lot too. didn't let them have friends, only me. and they started loving me a lot. but they weren't a very expressive person. and were vague at times and god knows i CANNOT deal with being in the middle ground. in the middle they did some things which hurt me a lot too and i resorted to even more manipulation and just straight up weird things. eventually we started dating and we had our great moments as well as our drawbacks, which was on me. i just kept faking deaths and talking about how miserable my life was in ways it wasn't. through other ""people"" who i made up and talked as, who harassed them a lot. for not being ""perfect"" for me and not being kind to me yada yada yada. i used to threaten them with breakups and other stuff. i WAS indeed going through a lot but the things i did were just not it. and then quarantine happened and i worked on myself for almost two years and im at a place where i can navigate through my actions and not do toxic things and i have apologized to people, my friends and my this person who is currently my ex cus they broke up with me to figure some things out, and i have apologized a lot, tried doing every little thing i can to make up for it and i still am, i will keep apologizing and trying to make up for it as long as it takes. and i hate myself. so goddamn much. the guilt i feel, i really cannot explain how much it is. i have done every single thing i could to punish myself. to make up for it. because god knows how much i love them. and how much i hate myself for ruining perfect things. for not cherishing how kind they were to me and our good memories. and now things are just, so bad. it hurts so much that when i was a terrible manipulative person they loved me so much and now when im trying to grow and i need someone the most i just don't have ANYTHING. ive come clean to them and apologized a lot of times and they have been kind about it each time. they tell me they care abt me a lot but- it just doesn't show in their activities i guess? and i do not deal well with a middle ground. at ALL. i just cant lose them. i see them being with their older friends and enjoying their life, even going to therapy and i KNOW they deserve this. they deserve happiness and better than me. im happy for them. but it still hurts a LOT. i just wish they wont keep me hanging you know? just tell me to f\^ck off and i will wail and hurt. its better than hope. and this endless cycle of agony. i have NOTHING at the moment. so much abuse is going on but the only thing i can focus on is how much i love them and how much it hurts. and i cant tell them all this bcs, its not fair you know? to dump this on them after everything i have put them through. but this pain is just unbearable. whenever i see them with someone else, or not care about what im going through like they did before but also telling me they care, it hurts so bad. i don't know what to do. please help.

TL:DR - manipulated lover, grew from it, apologized, hurting from lack of care from said person when i need it the most now."
BPD,"Disassociating Fairly new to having a BPD/DID diagnosis, though upon reflection have been struggling with it to some degree for a large portion of my life. Last night I had a very intense episode of disassociation, lasting for about 4-6 hours, again, something I now know I've struggled with for a long time. I've only recently started seeing a psychologist and haven't had much chance to get any coping mechanisms or strategies to help mitigate the episode.

I'm trying to avoid self harm/dangerous behaviours in order to connect with myself and find at this time, I don't really have anything else available to connect with the world around me when I'm in this place so I find myself just floating endlessly.

I'll look online for things that may help and talk to my psychologist when I see them next but until then I'm hoping someone might have some tips or things I can try in the interim.

Many thanks in advance. Sorry if this isn't the right flair either."
BPD,"how to get rid of a crush immediately i literally feel like im going insane because of a stupid crush on my coworker that elevated to extreme obsession  
it feels like i have to quit my whole job to get rid of it but honestly?? i dont even know if that would help i think i would still think about him 24/7  
i try to go on dating apps or force myself to get vaguely interested in someone other than him but it feels impossible :(  
trying to focus on other things or doing hobbies doesnt seem to work either because ive obviously started to steal his personality so everything i do reminds me of him :( i feel so out of control its embarrassing"
BPD,"It's hard for us to be strong and control our impulses. It's hard for us to leave you on seen no matter how angry, hurt or depressed we be.

It's hard for us to isolate ourselves and be okay with it. Most of the times we do it to see if you'd get back to us.

It's hard for us to control our anger and stop ourselves from saying all the evil things to you. Extremely hard.

It's hard for us to look at you with a person who has flaws and not has some devil.

It's hard for us to act logical even though we are aware of all the logics in our head.

It's hard for us to not feel too much all the time.

BPD is extremely hard."
BPD,Parental Abscence/Abandonment Anyone else have issues with (sometimes desperately) seeking approval from anyone who gives off a parental vibe?
BPD,"Getting over my fp but am I missing him or the role he played in my life? From my last post, my fp decided to start ignoring me at school so I ignored him back as suggested by one lovely commenter to keep no-contact. 

When we first started taking, he bought me a game called Celeste that he really loved and I never finished it, nine months later. I was always stuck on chapter 7 which was “The Summit” and I finally climbed it without his assistance on the other end of the call, calmly talking me through how to navigate each platform and cheering for me every time I passed a hard level. I guess me finishing it on my own was kind of analogous to how I’m healing now, by myself without having to rely on anyone else. So I finished the game and I screen-shotted the ending and send it to him, impulsively blocking him on Discord and his contact immediately after I got a reply from him. 

And now: nothing. I don’t see him at school that often and dropped another class that we shared and it really feels like I can start to forget him but it’s hard to. Because no one else is quite like him even if they’re more compatible with me. Or at least, no one feels like him.

It’s my birthday today and even though all of my friends wished me happy birthday and I sincerely love all of them, I wish it was him I shared this special day with. Or someone who was as close as I was to him. I can’t go back, however, since I officially chose to cut him off although he suggested it. It kind of sucks knowing that he’ll get over me within a week or two while I’ll still be reliving our memories together. And when he seems happier at school, I can only assume it’s because it’s without me in his life.

I don’t know if I miss him or how I felt when I was with him. He was so understanding and honest and I still see him in a positive light, but I want someone else to idolize and live my imagination in.

Having no fp is so fucking boring but it’s better than having your entire life dictated by obsessing over one person. It just feels like I’m lacking something and I’m desperate to cling onto someone else to fill that hole but that’s unhealthy and then I’d prove my fp right, that I can’t change.

Someone please give me advice on how exactly they got over their fp."
BPD,"DAE experience a profoundly sad feeling like you want to go home, even though you’re at home? It’s the worst feeling in my repertoire. I can be sitting in my house crying because I want to go home and I feel homesick, and I don’t know what that is or what it means, because for all intents and purposes I *am* at home, but like that’s not it. Does anyone else feel this or am I completely defective?"
BPD,"Stressing over asking for a diagnosis. So I've not yet been diagnosed, but having BPD has been mentioned to me a by a few people in the past and I've done a lot of research in to it and it seems to fit me pretty well. I spoke to my Therapist about it and they said it was a possibility, but to get a diagnosis I'd have to go though my GP.

I don't have an assigned GP and I'm worried about asking them for a referral for diagnosis because I don't think that they will believe me. 

I live in an area where the mental health support is pretty non existent so even getting an appointment for diagnosis might take months. It's causing me a lot of anxiety and my drinking and drug taking is staring to get out of control as a result. 

Has anyone else for the Uk been through the process of getting diagnosed?"
BPD,"I skipped all my classes today and I’m ashamed I just want to rant I guess because I don’t want to tell anyone I know irl what happened. I’m too ashamed.  

I had a bad morning, literally just a minor inconvenience. But those get to me so much. It’s to the point where my hair won’t turn out the way I want and I just straight up start crying.  

So I get to the building and I just couldn’t bring myself to go into the classroom. For some reason I just couldn’t be there. So I just called an Uber and went home. I can’t tell anyone because this is my first semester back since dropping out and I don’t want people to think I’m gonna do it again.  

I just wanted to rant I guess. I don’t post much here but I do read a lot and this sub makes me feel better. "
BPD,"How to deal with a breakup? I never had any serious relationships before this one. I've been so used to people leaving me after using me that I stopped looking and trusting people, but he seemed different. 

The last year we had together was so amazing and he honestly was my lifeline. The only thing who's been keeping me afloat was him and now he is gone. It's just one more person abandoning me and I don't know how much more my heart can take. 

All I want to do is cry and call him to beg him to take me back because I love him so much. I'm nothing without him. I don't know what to do."
BPD,"Discussing mental illness in relationships I've been friends with my now boyfriend for a year and we started dating 2 months ago. I've always dealt with mental illness and they vary in severity by day (Thanks bpd). I opened up to him about it a few months ago but just told him about it vaguely. When we started dating I opened up about my bpd and explained that it affects my daily life pretty severely. I usually completely avoid talking about how I'm feeling though sometimes I do overshare about my past. When I told him about the bpd I kind of was trying to urge him to do some sort of research or something just so he knows what it is and maybe how he can be supportive. I'm in a really rough spot and really need support and I know he wants to be there for me but he didn't care at all about looking it up or understanding any of it. I know he has some issues too and he won't talk about them beyond just saying they're there and I respect that but it makes me feel like even more of a burden if i try to talk about it. I don't really know where I'm going with this, just wondering if anyone has had a similar situation or has an idea of what I should do? Thanks"
BPD,"Trying to understand Not looking to fix things, just trying to understand how to help someone like this or atleast have insight. I know no one has answers l'm just asking.
Was with a girl on a few dates. And she was super happy. After the second date she wouldn't stop talking about how she feels like she gave too much and she's not right for me because l'm not numb like her. she doesn't want to hurt me. Told me she wants to be used not loved and she enjoys not being happy. On the dates she told me she felt like she was actually being treated right for the first time, and how could anyone dump me that l'm amazing for her. But was still hating herself the whole date at times and was scared I was lying or gonna leave her.
Then she left me
I'm Curious if people with BPD USUALLY go back and forth between these states? or if she just suddenly changed her mind about me? 
In situations like this how can I help? Or what is the best way to reassure someone suffering from abandonment or self image issues?"
BPD,"Romanticising pain and suffering I think I have a tendency to in my head romanticise pain and suffering, as I am now starting to feel a lot better and heal I still find myself thinking of the suffering I have endured as something almost pretty? I feel like this is an insane way of thinking bc logically I can of course see that it is a toxic way of thinking. Do you relate? Could it be connected to my bpd or is it a common thing among everyone you think?"
BPD,"Anyone else? So I’m 24 diagnosed (quiet) BPD for 6 years. At first a ASD diagnosis was looked at but my mum is narcissistic and gave false info. I just wondered if anyone else feels they don’t really meet the criteria. I struggle with sensory overload, I’m really rubbish in social situations and basically don’t know when to shut up. Does anyone else struggle with this?"
BPD,i can’t stop crying i am so attached to my boyfriend and now i have to be away from him for the next week and i can’t handle it. i feel like i’m going crazy because i can’t stop crying every time i think about him i start crying and i’m dealing with so much emotional impermanence i don’t feel like he actually loves me and i don’t remember feeling like he ever loved me. i am feeling so alone and it’s like i have a deep pit inside me now that can’t be filled i feel so awful
BPD,"My therapist's diagnosis is BPD. I don't know how to feel about it. It makes sense, but I still don't know how to feel.

How did you all come to terms with your diagnosis? What were your first steps to accepting it?"
BPD,"Dreams of being accepted I don't know if this is because of BPD but I have a hard time staying awake in the morning. If I wake up and I'm not in the right mood to wake up, I just keep going back to sleep until either someone wakes me up by force or my back hurts too much to go back to sleep.

I keep having these hyper realistic ""dreams"" (might be hallucinations?) about messaging people, or getting up to drink a glass of water, or normal things I would actually do if I was awake. I know they are dreams and not actually me dissociating while being awake because messages I send in them are never there when I wake up for real.

Most of the time those are... Not harmless, they leave me really confused when I wake up,  but not very damaging in the grand scheme of things. But lately they've been hurting a lot.

When I message people, I get positive responses. I get fast responses, of people saying nice things about me and giving their time and attention for me to talk about anything I want. And then I wake up, the messages aren't there, it's not real. I wake up and it's empty again. I'm empty again.

Today was an especially hard one. In the dream, a group chat I'm in decided to make a surprise ""party"" for me (it's not my birthday), saying they've noticed how much I've been struggled lately and want to spend the day with me to help me relax and feel better and have some fun. People who I don't even speak to but want to know better were there, all willing to make me happy.

And then it was just gone."
BPD,"I kind of cope by just giving up on people entirely nowadays I haven't had a breakdown in ages. My miracle solution? Basically the Grey Rock method, except permanently. I basically completely let go of everything I feel about other people. I escape into video games and Internet and just live life immersed in worlds that aren't this one because god damn the one I'm in right now is unlivable. So I don't feel any intense pain or happiness. Every day is just gray, gray, gray..."
BPD,"Don’t know what to do about my friendship I am really lost right now. I’ve known my “best friend” for 5 years. We’ve been having a lot of hard times in our friendship - he’s struggling with depression and anxiety. I’ve been in love with him for a few years now, we tried to get together several times. Since he wasn’t comfortable with this (he was very scared of not being good enough), he decided to stay friends (I was fine with that). My therapist suggested that he has BPD, which would explain some issues we’ve been having. 

I almost always send the first message to him, ask to see each other, how he’s feeling, etc. Sometimes he’s doing “fine” for a few months and then he’s really struggling with his mental health and will ghost me for months. Then, he comes back saying “I am so sorry, I was dealing with my mental health” and we would start talking again. 

I used to feel so sad and get angry at him when he was ghosting me, because I felt he was forgetting about me and never cared about me or our friendship (which I value a lot, he’s one of the rare people that I could stay / talk with for hours without getting bored.) After reading a lot about BPD, I decided to stop sending him messages / telling him that I’m angry when he did this, and rather left him alone and sent him a message a few weeks later to check on him. I felt it really improved our relationship. 

The thing is, I’m still very in love with him (he doesn’t know that, and I don’t want to bother him anymore with my feelings) and I feel he‘s been less caring about our friendship during the past few months. I’ve asked him to see each other several times - he told me “I’ll tell you when I’ll have some free time” and never contacted me for saying when he’ll be free. Also I’ve lost my dog 2 months ago, I was devastated - he never tried to comfort me or asked me how I’m doing. It hurt me a lot and I was so disappointed / angry / sad with him. We haven’t talked since and I didn’t told him how I felt towards his behavior.

I really miss him and our friendship right now and I’ve been thinking about ignoring my feelings and sending him a message. I’m still mad at him but I’m more worried about his mental health since we haven’t spoke for 2 months. On the other side, I feel that if he’s not sending me anything, he doesn’t want to speak with me.

Do you have any advice ? I don’t know what to do anymore (should I definitely stop talking to him ? Should I explain how I feel about our friendship ?) and I don’t want to hurt him or be toxic to him. 

I hope my english is fine and that I don’t come across as someone bad"
BPD,My therapist says I have bpd traits but thinks I’m too young for an ‘official’ diagnoses. But I’m 18? I’ve heard of many people being diagnosed before 18 and once they turned 18 so is this just a preference of hers? Does anyone have any experience they can lend?
BPD,"I think this is a bad idea I've been considering leaving my fiance and buying land, and figuring shit out from there. We are in the process of buying a home and I know it would fuck him over but I'm beyond repair. We constantly argue because of me. I feel like he'd be better off without me. I have 10k in my bank account right now with a few more grand on the way. I've already moved towns a few times in my adult life, and I don't want to keep uprooting my life but I feel like I have no choice. I have no idea how I'd get my horse to the land or how I'd build fencing quick enough but I'll figure it out, I guess. I don't even know if I have the guts to go through with this. I just want him to be happy and I don't think that's possible with me in the picture. I don't know what to do. It's always been my dream to buy land and build a small home. Maybe this can be my excuse."
BPD,"Lamictal might not cut it. I just feel empty.  Anyone have any similar experiences? I'm at my full dose now, and have noticed less incidents, but now I just feel that emptiness all the time. I can't do anything i enjoy really and it's hard for me to connect. It's like I'm just waiting for bed every night. I try to play a video game, read, watch a movie, conversations with my partner aren't fulfilling- I dont know what to do.

 Did anyone else find a cocktail that relieved you of your lingering aphasia?"
BPD,"Friends... TW: cussing?
.

Hahaha so.. some old friends of mine ended things between us about a year ago and it was fucking hard. I bawled my eyes out every night but shifted/split so rapidly I was always in pain mentally and physically. After I eventually accepted it I still go back and forth between trying to reach out and hating their guts. I know we wont and we cant be friends again, but every time I get that spark of hope and light and love I message them then later I beat myself up for it. Its..like bro my brain i.. can it not? Do ? The stupid?"
BPD,"I have BPD. My boyfriend has BPD. I don't know if he loves me because he hasn't said it and toys the word in front of my face and it makes me feel awful. My boyfriend and I (of six months almost) are both in our 20s and have BPD. He has a secure attachment style and mine is anxious-avoidant so it comes out in different ways. His BPD has been more suicide attempts and break downs of self, fear of losing attractiveness (from what I can gather, he hasn't really opened up) whereas mine has been abandonment. I'm having a MAJOR breakdown today and am about to start crying plus family/financial stress and need to talk.

I feel like our relationship isn't working because he hasn't told me he loves me yet and that's a big problem for me. I had a narcissist abusive ex who told me that he loved me and took it back and another ex who wasn't very affectionate and called me by his ex-girlfriend's name when I asked if he ever loved me after we broke up. Love is sensitive to me. I have known that I've loved him for a while. He has toyed the word around. Ex: ""I love you... Roger"" (when watching American Dad), or ""I give drawings to people that I love..... and like"" (after giving me a drawing), changing lyrics he's singing along to from ""love"" to ""like"", and saying ""I love this movie and I like you"". It almost feels like he's doing this on fucking purpose at this point and I'm about to explode. Could it be he's afraid of rejection? I don't know. Why does he do this to me? He knows about my past.

I'm always afraid to communicate with him because I'm afraid of being ""too much"". I told him that I'm making progress and he said ""You always say that xP"". I don't think we are emotionally connected because of our respective traumas and he never opens up to me. I literally fucking hate him right now writing this.

We have only had surface issues on 5 occasions where he passed out drunk and then didn't respond to my texts for 1-2 days. He said he did it because he was ashamed of his alcoholism, but I have communicated SINCE THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED that it brings up my abandonment issues and fears but he still didn't listen.

Two stand-up comedians shouldn't date. Fuck this. He's definitely not over his ex."
BPD,"I was Diagnosed on my first week of Junior Year. Last Monday began my Junior year experience and on Wednesday I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I say ""diagnosed"" but my psychologist already knew I had this illness since February but decided not to tell me so I wouldn't worry. She said she wasn't duty-bound, legally to tell me I have BPD until I turn 18 (Next May) so she was waiting for me to find out because she said she knew I was smart enough to do so.

What my psychologist doesn't know is that I didn't just randomly came across something that was wrong with me... I was doing several quizzes online about how bisexual I was, just for fun (I was 40% lesbian, 60% straight) and I saw a quiz called ""Do you have Borderline Personality disorder?"" My interest was piqued so I clicked out of boredom and became instantly scared for what the quizz was describing and I didn't even finish it because I texted my psychologist and that's when everything went down.

As for how did I take it; I was destroyed. She told me the symptoms and I had it all... Untrusting, Mood Swings, Self Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Black and White Thinking, Body dysmorphia, Fear of Abandonment, Dissociation and derealization, Indecisiveness, Intense emotions and Emptiness.

My psychologist asked me if this made me sad and I said no but my body betrayed me because that second a tear rolled down my eye.

People might think it's silly to be sad in that moment because they think it's because you're putting a label on yourself, but it's hard not to when 90% of what you are is your illness... that's what they call it ""personality disorder"" isn't it?

I feel really bad for myself because I have a crush and he has been flirting with me this past week and until Wednesday, I felt like I could be happy for once.... but no... I would never put him through the pain of being with someone with BPD, because he is funny, positive, charming and caring... I would feel responsible for the pain he would go through because of being with me."
BPD,"How do I get over someone even though they aren’t good for me? How can I be alone? My last post my now ex boyfriend was arrested. We were still together after his arrest until one day he took off to a friend’s house and never came back. For a month I was in a state of panic. We’d talk but I always suspected he was with the friend.
We’d still hang out but each and every time the relationship eroded more and more. We’d stop touching one time, the next time stop hugging, the next time stop good bye kisses.

During one argument I said,”no matter what happens I know you’re not coming back!” 

I hoped I wasn’t right.

I was.

We met this morning. I asked him do you still want to be with me. He said no. But with him I’ve been through this a million times for the PAST TWO YEARS.  I know rationally he is a toxic person and a shit bag. He left me three times for other women, knocking one of them up. Told me on one “they were just hanging out”, left the fucking state. On the other one “he was just doing him” and then also doing her. We fucked the day they announced their relationship. 
But each and every time I took him back because I thought that was love. I thought when you love someone no matter how bad they fuck up you stay. I thought that I wouldn’t be alone. 

Now I am alone. I am anxious all the time, I was before he said it was over. But it hurts so bad. I want to call out of work I can’t. I want to disappear I can’t. I don’t want to be alone. It is my greatest fear. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even express how I feel. I am heart broken I know that. And I am unsure of what else to do. I feel so alone and I feel so sad."
BPD,"Started a new relationship; paranoid already Does anyone know how I can be less paranoid and more trusting in my boyfriend? I feel awful, I know I should trust him, he hasn’t given me a reason not to, but I can’t help it. I got really paranoid the other day and said something to him about it, he took the battery right out of his phone and threw it. I ended up dissociating right afterwards; so the next few minutes were a blur (it happens to me a lot with people throwing things, because of my ex) but I remember him crying and feeling so bad. I know he cares, but I just can’t make the feelings stop. I feel like he’s going to get sick of me acting like this and leave."
BPD,"DAE get over an argument quicker than the person you argued with? I always get so confused when whoever is still hurt about whatever x thing happened, but I’ve already moved on and am ready for things to go back to normal"
BPD,"Urgent please help me with this So my (f18) bf (m21) brother (m22) is on drugs and my bf is trying to get him committed into rehab. The only thing is I feel like they aren’t really trying. They tried taking him to the Er but he wouldn’t go in and they called the police but then he acted normal and the police said they wouldn’t do anything. 

The whole ordeal is making me feel PHYSICALLY unwell. I was worried that his brother might hurt him or his sister while the sleep or even himself and then they’d wake up to see that and his brother would possibly life with the guilt and I could lose my bf or his sister. 

The part that worries me the most is that he’s pretty much ignoring that fact that this is causing me real distress and I’m worried it’s traumatizing me or bringing up old trauma. Idk what to do to make him realize that his involvement might be effecting my mental health. Main because I know that most people wouldn’t be phased by this like I am. 

What should I do."
BPD,"Did therapy help some people feel their emotions less intensely? I am not diagnosed, but I have several BPD traits and my last therapist told me after a personality test that the results would be sufficient to some therapists to diagnose me (and then she ditched me 🥲). I've suspected this for years anyway. I've recently started trying medication (sertraline then Wellbutrin). Sertraline helped with emotional reactivity. For once, my emotions felt like a mere pinch instead of a burning knife stuck in my guts and that was awesome. Now that I switched medications (because of side effects), I feel more motivated and I have more energy which is nice, but the emotions are coming back and I snapped at someone I love again last night. I hate this x) my doctor keeps telling me to go to therapy again, saying that the way I feel emotions can change but I seriously doubt that. 

So I was wondering if anyone had any luck feeling less attacked by their emotions after therapy or if you just learned to cope and not react while still feeling the same."
BPD,My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a Great Show! The fourth and final season of this awesome musical comedy  series about a women with BPD  is available on Netflix. Just thought I'd drop the word in case anyone didn't know.
BPD,"Reducing impulsive behavior and anger has left me generally empty and now I don’t know how to be assertive in a healthy way either I’m heavily struggling with some personal stuff right now which may be contributing to some of my problems. A close friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a few years has developed schizophrenia, and has been recently committed to a facility just this past week. I’m retroactively finding out all of these really upsetting things that have happened to her and disturbing behaviors she’s exhibited out of psychosis. It’s extremely upsetting for me because I knew her when she was well. It’s incredibly jarring and my heart is broken. I feel like I’m mourning someone who is still alive. This is happening at the exact same time as I’m being broken up with very recently by my now-ex/FP. If that’s not hard enough, my good friend is dating him now, and he’s being completely vile towards me. I’ve been motionless and angry and incredibly depressed. I’m actually HAVING to make myself drink a little alcohol (I’m not a drinker or much of a substance user in general) just to make myself calm down, get to sleep, etc. 

I’ve felt proud recently for the progress I’ve made in therapy. I followed my worksheets pretty closely and learned how to stop myself before angrily blowing up his phone, or generally externalizing and being highly impulsive. But now that those habits are gone, I don’t know how to cope with the feelings that caused those explosive outbursts before hand. It’s like I’ve just whipped myself into not causing more headache for myself and others. But now I have this huge burden present. 
For example, this situation with my friend and my ex. I don’t know how to talk to him about this or appropriately be angry at him. I’m not possessing the reason or decisiveness to know that I shouldn’t talk to him. I’m just basically not texting him and he’s not texting me. I don’t know how to confront my friend. She’s been subposting about dating him and about me. Since people basically grift off of plausible deniability, I haven’t been able to do anything more than ask her once in response to an obviously targeted Instagram story, “what are you getting at with these posts?”. To which I got no reply.  Then yesterday she sends me this sappy HNY text. And I’m like bitch, what the fuck? Now you feel bad? I just ignored her. I don’t know what to do or say. 

I’m depressed and I don’t know how to go after the things that make me feel better. Long term or short term. I’ve hit up friends just to chat hoping it would cheer me up, and they just don’t respond. Can’t control that but I’m lonely and I need someone and it couldn’t be a worse time to feel unwanted. My (what feel like normal) attempts at socializing with my friends are just starting to feel like dumb actions that only lead to my own embarrassment, and that I just need to never text anyone ever again. And I’d say “wait for them to hit me up first”, but they never hit me up first anyway and I’m sure weeks would go by. I will just be alone until I’m lovable. I need to design a giving, beautiful, impressive self and basically become a doll. Only then will anyone love me I believe because obviously I’m not lovable now. I had nothing to do yesterday and decided to do something good for myself by trying out some new music equipment. Doing anything hard for myself like that feels like someone placing a 200 lb dumbbell in front of me and asking me to lift it. 9/10 times I fucking can’t and it’s why I have nothing going for myself. It’s so hard. 

I don’t know what to do."
BPD,"How do you guys apply opposite action into your real life? I'm learning in DBT more about opposite actions. Well actually I've been learning it for a while but I can only do opposite action for things unrelated to my emotions which isn't really the point... Like I did opposite action to get off my ass and go to school and work out and provide for my little family. Which is great I'm not a depressed lil worm anymore. But I'm not sure how to do opposite action in the proper sense with my emotional urges. I mean I've learned to let go of the need for control without too much difficulty. But I'm not making a lot of progress in any other areas. I still need better regulation skills even if I'm not lashing out anymore

How do you guys practice opposite action in your day to day lives?"
BPD,"how do you deal with repetitive noises? my neighbors have three dogs they leave outside all day, every day. their incessant, and i do mean that literally, barking is really causing me a lot of discomfort. how do you handle repetitive, intrusive noise? or do you know how i can make this specific situation stop?"
BPD,"Spending money to feel worth. Who else struggles with this? What makes it worse for me is:
I’m a college student with little income
I’m in credit card debt bc of it
My parent can see my bank account and reads my transactions out loud in front of the family and this only makes me feel shamed and humiliated. 
I don’t know what my their goal is with doing this, but I cried for a long time last night because I know I only spend to feel worthy to myself."
BPD,"Nobody cares about me I’m trying to get help. Like so hard. But I feel so fucking empty inside. Nobody fucking cares about me. Today, I texted my best friend and asked if she would stop by my dorm to say hi while she was on campus. Instead of a yes or no, I got a whole fucking lecture. “Why do i need to? It won’t do anything. You’ll still be miserable. And you’re gonna want a hug.” That hurt so bad. I just missed my best friend and wanted to see her. I wasn’t gonna tell her my emotions or ask for a hug or anything. I just want to see her. I just want to know that somebody still cares the way I care for them. Like yeah seeing her for 5 min won’t fix me but it’s still seeing somebody for 5 min. I’ve been all alone for all my free time recently and I just want one person to be there for me. Just one. I know I fucked a lot of things up in the past but I just want to know that I haven’t lost everything. She claims she’s gonna stick around but seeing as she can’t even say hi to me, I don’t know. I’m so lost. I just want this horrible life to end. I’m so lonely. I just want to be wanted my someone"
BPD,"Do I actually have the symptom of having a ‘favourite person’? To clarify bpd, is literally the one thing that’s made sense in my life. The one explanation. So please just be weary of however you respond. I’ve had endless suicide attempts, have punched a wall till I bled, self harm a good bunch of times now (my wrist has scars all over it at this point) have pushed people away that may have loved me and in all honesty, I don’t even regret that. They abused me like crazy.

However the one symptom that I’m not sure I have, is a favourite person. The way that a person feels about an fp, I’ll often get that same feeling with friends. Trust me, there have been friends that have rejected, that resulted to me self harming, attempting suicide and much more. But this would happen as each friend goes by. I’d get a friend, would be overwhelmed that they’re even choosing to be friends with the likes of me, and for the duration of that friendship they would be my fp. Once it ends, my whole world would indeed crumble around me, and honestly it would stay that way, until I can find another friend to take that friends place. But like I say, this is the cycle. So the question remains, do I actually have an fp, or can a person have various fp’s, as they go through their life?"
BPD,"what does dissociation feel like for you? hi there! i’ve been struggling with bpd symptoms for as long as i can remember, although i didn’t get diagnosed (or even know bpd was a thing) until 2 years ago. that being said, dissociation has always been one of my most prominent symptoms. i was trying to explain it to someone the other day, but i was having trouble explaining it in a way that she could understand. so how would you guys explain it to someone who never experienced it?"
BPD,"The stigma of seeking treatment. [Not a native english speaker, so excuse any mistakes. Post also includes talk of abuse, TW] 


Not too long ago I saw a post about BPD, and how we should be given support, even if it can be extremely rough to have a person with the disorder in their lives. I looked at all the comments since there weren't that many, and almost all of them had the same theme. ""My abuser has BPD. Their traits are too toxic and harmful to others, I don't care what anyone else thinks.""

I can understand that argument a little, I personally had an extremely abusive parent growing up, which did lead to the start of the disorder developing, but the comments also made me burst out crying, thinking back at how I felt like I shouldn't even try and get treated because it would be of no use anyways, and that everyone was always going to loon at me, or get to know me and think, ""Wow, she's fucking crazy"". Abuse is never okay, and you're still responsible for your own actions, but I just absolutely hate how much stigma there is around BPD. Not everyone is the same, we're all different."
BPD,"Anyone ever been diagnosed with Bipolar AFTER BPD as a Dual Diagnosis? So I got a print out of my diagnoses by accident basically the other day and after opening up to my psychiatrist about a recent period of my life that has been pure hell and I started new meds, I see “Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Complex PTSD, Bipolar Mood Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder”. 

Guys I feel absolutely fucking certifiable. And I say this while completely laughing and crying nearly at the same time. I had a print out in the past that didn’t have Bipolar on it. For some added history I have made a lifetime of progress with my BPD. I am a quiet type but 6 years ago I was super severe. It was like a quiet volcano of self destruction and agony that I know only this sub understands. I impulse attempted so many times. I hated myself and I hated BPD. I never thought I’d be able to breathe. In the past year and a half after 5 and a half years of aggressive DBT it was the best it’s ever been. I felt the weight of BPD lifting in a way where it didn’t completely define me or run my life. I felt a sense of control. 


But now homegirls Bipolar lmfao. I do not doubt this diagnosis for a second. I’ve gone through a lot these past 6 months that I had frankly never felt before? I think I did once a long time ago but in the background of my tumultuous BPD but definitely BPD overshadowed. And I recently with these new feelings/episodes and struggles thought of Bipolar for a second but I thought wtf there is no way. There can’t be. On top of Bpd? Nah. Not possible. It’s just BPD (while totally not feeling like BPD) or the fact that I’m going through a lot. But after this paper I thought “ idk about you but I don’t always go through a lot but when I do I don’t always alternate between severe periods of depression and hypomania” and I thought yeah yeah ok maybe these circumstances just triggered it cause when I put it like that ok I get it. At least my moods been consistent? Lol. Consistently inconsistent. Anyways, I read more about Bipolar and bipolar as a dual diagnosis and all of it’s struggles and I feel a bit upset that I didn’t realize before that I had a dual diagnosis because wow it would’ve helped me so much but whatever. In a way I am also completely in denial. And also why didn’t my psychiatrist talk to me? Makes me feel a little more crazy and it all less real. Like is he sure? Is he serious? Or is he just covering his ass cause he started me on Geodon. Idk man. I am literally ranting because this is actually the only place I feel safe to do this. Seriously, I made this account to vent but always find myself shutting down and helping others but this sub is different for me. Idk why. 

Anyways, while I feel totally validated in a way I also had such a breakdown yesterday with all the intense feelings I engaged in some old behaviors that I thought were completely of the past. I feel hopeless and hopeful, scared and angry. Relieved and defective. Proud of myself while also hating myself. Such a mind fuck. I always felt a sense of hope and comfort by the fact that BPD is “the good prognosis diagnosis”. Patients who commit to treatment can stop the meeting criteria in 10 years. It’s really something you can completely recover from and I saw that light in that tunnel but now..... I’m always going to be sick. And I guess that’s where my pain lies...."
BPD,"DAE feel helpless against the lack of self-control? Like, I know when my actions will have negative consequences, it’s not that I can’t see right from wrong. But even when I know my actions can hurt others, or cause me to self-destruct, I still justify it in some way."
BPD,"Came off lithium and starting to hallucinate have always had slight visual ones where I think things are falling but I scared my boyfriend. Is it related to bpd? Just the lithium? Or another disorder all together? :( First real hallucination was 3 days ago. I felt weird but then when I touched my boyfriends stomach it was as though my fingers were vibrating and I could feel the “energy” between us. This only happened when touching his stomach and I loved the feeling and wanted to keep doing it as it felt magical. However to him not so much. 

I then saw red footsteps on the floor in front of me and every time I would blink it would take one step closer and closer then repeat from far away. 

Do I need to see my psychiatrist ASAP?"
BPD,"DAE enjoy Quetiapine dreams? What is your experience with them?

When I first started taking Quetiapine/Seroquel I had horrific nightmares all night overnight. I'm pretty desensitised to violence, I like horror films and books and I've seen realistic examples in my life, but the dreams did trouble me.

Now I feel like I have a rich and interesting dream world. My dreams are full of beautiful places, people I care about (in real life), bizarre but fun situations and reliving memories exactly as they happened in the past.

I used to hate the effect it had on me, but I've started to really enjoy it. I've been writing a dream diary and thinking about making an Instagram chronicling some of the quotes/settings in my dreams.

I don't use my dreams as a replacement for real life, and I'd highly discourage anyone from doing that. I've always been a creative person but too scared to express my writing/poetry publicly. Through the medium of dream journalling  it makes me feel more confident in doing so.

My favourite dream quote recently is: ""in a crowded hall, next door to an empty Ionian""."
BPD,DAE switch all the time between caring and nit caring Like when im not in a bad place i overly care abt my FP and watch him and always check in and love on him when hes sad and ask him to vent but like when im in a downswing and hes sad i literally get annoyed. And i ask him whats wrong and ask him to vent to me because i just want him to stop being sad so the attention can be on me and i just get more and more annoyed by having to support him even tho he supports me all the time and i know that and so i just end up telling him to tell an adult or smth bc i get sick of being the sole support. So DAE keep caring abt their feelings but get annoyed when youre upset and theyre upset and you feel you have to support them/when they take the attention off you even though youre almost always getting it? Or am i just a huge bitch?
BPD,"According to my family, I've always been a selfish asshole, yet they insist I show up to family parties.. When I dont, all it does is affirm their opinion of me but when I do show up, more times than not, I end up arguing with somebody over something."
BPD,"Confusion over gender and identity? I have always struggled with identity issues and also body Dysmorphia, I often feel like I am definitely non binary but sometimes I feel like I am a fake person or thing trying to be a normal person eg communicating specifically. Can anyone help with this?"
BPD,"My gf left me suddenly My gf left me suddenly this evening. I thought I was doing well and showing how I could become a better communicator, but I have been having a rough few weeks and admittedly have not been easy to get along or deal with. Tonight she hung out with some friends and they all talked and I suppose they came to the conclusion she should leave me. I am so devastated and hurt and I don’t know what to do and I can’t imagine going on like this."
BPD,"Shitty story time vent (LONG) Hey guys, I know I'm not supposed to be ""time travelling"" but something happened to me very recently that is really bothering me. It's going to take a bit of a background story though, bear with me.

I moved to a new town to live with parents in 2014 and one of the first things I did was get a job doing special effects for makeup and an acting position at a local haunted house. This is where I met my best friend, I'm going to call her Emily. I don't work/ have other sources of income because I mentally can't handle it, and I am also physically disabled (but Im not recognized as disabled by government yet) which makes work and holding jobs hard. So work was important, I got a lot of new ""friends"" and i found myself in a clique almost of all sorts of people who loved to scare people/ horror/etc.

The second year I worked there, our friend (one of the bosses) was fired, and we moved over to a new location that was much larger and more successful. I missed the first year there with my friends because I was living with my then boyfriend.

Emily and I were best friends for almost 5 years. We didnt always hang out, and I had periods of not wanting to be around people, but she was always always there. She had seen me go through the worst of the worst of them, came to get me in a snowstorm 3 hours away because I had the cops called on me. She hauled my ass to a hotel and brought me back home with her. If I thought anything was solid, it was the friendship I had with Emily. It was one of the safest things to me I had and she had seen SO SO much shit with me and helped me through everything I really never thought anything was off.

My then boyfriend and I broke up, I went to work for this other place and it was AMAZING. I had the best time, I was dating someone I really liked, and out of nowhere he told me he wanted to be alone. It was really traumatic for me but I can differentiate the fact he seriously wanted to just be by himself (at least for now) and the way it happened and how he did it was shitty, but I recognize he is not a ""bad person"". Emily saw how traumatized I was through this though, she saw how fucked it made me.

This past year I entered a new relationship and thats when my BPD started to really really really make itself known, I was going through horrible thoughts that I was just using my boyfriend, that I still loved my ex, you name it I thought it. This was before I knew I had BPD, so everything was really bad. A lot of time passed since I first entered this new relationships, but when I went back to work for my 2nd year at this place it was different. Every time my ex would show up Id get anxiety and then id be happy to talk to him, so i would question WHY. Everything triggered me and I didn't enjoy the time I had there. If anything I was beggining to see a new side to everyone there that was hard to accept then. A LOT of the people (majority) are really fake. And yes, thats judgemental but I have something to back that up later.

Around the same time I got into a new relationship, she had just broken up with her long term 5 year boyfriend, had been stripping and met someone in the military. They got into a relationship and it took off. He was always nice to me but something always seemed wrong to me. He had bad damage from seeing so much shit in war and being physically injured so badly.

My BPD could be traced back to my unstable and otherwise toxic relationship with my mother. We never really got along well until I got a handle on what I have and how to tolerate situations. But back in October I didn't know how to do this and I wasnt used to living with my mother. Everything she did pissed me off. So in one of the last days of last season, we got into a physical altercation and I left the job about a week early to go back with my boyfriend (I was staying with her because it was closer for the job)

I had been to a party the night before, and my ex was there. I was paranoid of the whole party and didnt enjoy myself because of my anxiety. I thought the girl who invited me invited me maliciously or that she was doing something wrong on purpose, I still cant shake the feeling something was off. Anyway I go back home, and people started saying I quit. Emily texted me asking me what happened, if I was ok, and that she heard I had quit. I told her my mom and I fought, and I asked her who told her I quit. I asked her a few times because she never answered me.

And then a few months went by and I asked her if we could hang out during her Christmas break. She was juggling like 3 different job, she was moving into a new house with her boyfriend, moving AND graduating this spring, so I knew she was busy. But I didnt hear from her, and I saw she was reading my messages. I started texting her, asking her what was wrong, telling her I didnt know what I did.

Then I called her. It didnt make sense then because I wasnt sure she had ghosted me, but she picked up, didnt respond to my voice, and she pretended like the phone was off while i talked to air. I think her goal was to make it sound like she accidently picked up but you dont accidently unlock your phone and also slide ""accept"" for the phonecall in 3 seconds...

She ghosted me. I asked my friends who all said the same vague answer of ""dont worry its fine, shes busy"". But obviously it wasnt fine. I got mad. I called her C\*\*\*, and she THEN messaged me (which will be the only thing ive heard from her in this WHOLE thing) saying ""you dont win friends back by calling them a \*\*\*\*"".

I left a nasty and angry voicemail telling her that her relationship wasnt going to work, that her boyfriend is crazy and when she comes back after realizing she screwwed up, everyone is going to be gone from her life.

Cut forward a few weeks, I found out someone from that friend group was bad mouthing me and telling people I didnt have a job and lived with my mom. I found this out because some random dude I dont know insulted me with it after I stepped in to an argument on my managers wall that had MULTIPLE people fighting and belitting everyone, and the only connection he had was my ""manager"". So I asked him if he had said those things about me to him, he denied it, and then went on to tell me his friend wasnt really wrong.

I cut mostly everyone from that group out including her. They are all gone, and it hurts because I dont know what i did to spark that in her. I dont really have closure but I know Im better off then be stuck with people who insult me and smear my situation to others. Im very spiritual so I think this all happened as a way for me to realize the people I was surrouding myself was were all really fake. And no, not everyone is like that, but there were so so many of us (over 100) and it became very cult like.

ALSO, I found out I had BPD in the middle of her ghosting me. I will never understand how someone who worked as a social worker and saw me get ghosted (and the impact it had on me) would just LEAVE and not give me a SINGLE clue as to what i did to even appolagize..

TLDR; I got ghosted with no explanation why and Im time travelling."
BPD,"Why is it so hard to make real friends? When I first meet someone am able to started a conversation but the more we talk the less it goes anywhere. I think that I am sometimes trying to be someone am not and I don't know how to not do that. I just wish I could be myself and make real friendship.
I just want to know that am not the only one that feels like this."
BPD,"Cool normal but crazy guy with BPD girl story, what do I do? Okay, so I decided to write my story here, because I need advice on this.

So basically, I met a girl around 3+ years ago.

I'm a Caucasian guy from New York, and I live in Japan and she's Japanese. Just saying that for some background.

Anyway, so when I met her, the relationship was really cool. I met her in Japan, but I had to fly back to America.

We communicated on text a lot and talking on the phone while I was in the state for many months. I told her she can visit if she wants. She pays for a flight and comes to the states to visit me.

We hang out there, everything is cool. Then we fly to Thailand for many months and everything is cool.

Then we fly back to Japan and move into an apartment together.

We live there about 2 years and everything is cool. However, she can't hold a job and I'm working.

She got some factory job for 3 months and quit because she hated it.

But she's afraid to be criticized by coworkers she said and didn't work and just used her credit card and went into massive credit card debt.

Because she's not working, and because I work online from home, she started playing on Instagram everyday lying in bed, never contacting her friends and rarely contacting her family and became more and more depressed.

She told me to research symptoms for dependent personality disorders, and I found BPD, and it matched her perfectly with 7 out of the 9 DSM criteria matching her. No official diagnoses, but I checked about it and read about and she matches it perfectly.

The moment I found out about and read about it on the Reddit formus, I felt this relationship won't last long. Then I found out about DBT and had some hope. I told her I think she has BPD, but she felt she has Aspergers. But agreed she matche the symptoms of BPD and was open to treatment.

Anyway, I feel like not being able to work is not normal, and I tell her you need to get a job and pay for DBT therapy for you.

She misses interviews, fails interviews, etc. And hooks up with a job working at some guys house.

3 weeks later she confesses to me that she cheated on me twice with this guy.

Thinking she has a mental disorder and has trouble saying ""no"" I forgive her. And we go through a lot of talking and I convince her to quit her job. I get a DBT course online and help her do it.

I take her to a clinic and get her some mood stabilizers, because her mood is all over the place and she's in a state of indecision feeling like she needs to be independent.

Anyway, we agree that she will help me with my online business, the next day she has to visit her parent's house and says she will spend one night there. She spends 2 nights there.

Then when she meets me back at our place, it seems like everything is cool, but she tells me she wants to break up and live with her mom and work on her mom's business. I call my friend and he says she needs a week to think and that I never should have given her mood stabilizers.

I say my friend says you need a week to think, and I can't handle this. Because I don't want to live in this apartment alone, so I will go to Thailand while you think. She tells met some nasty things like we are broken up and shows no emotion, and seems pretty cold. I tell her to stop taking the mod stabilizers. And we both pack and I'm sad and I book a flight to Thailand and get out of there. I leave her the key to clear up her stuff or whatever and tell her to leave it in the washing machine when she's done.

So she's apparently going to live in her mom's house and work for her mom, because she thinks it's the only job she can do.

Now I am in Thailand, and the first night she sends me some text that she loves me and will do DBT therapy online for our relationship and it seems like she wants to be together. She did 3 lessons already, 2 with me and one by herself apparently.

I sent her a long text about our relationship and some more texts about BPD, and no answer for another day.

I am not sure what to do at this point. Some guys say I should break up. I wonder if it can be saved.

I feel like she's devaluing me, and not sure what to do. She was cool for a long time in our relationship. But I don't want to live in an apartment in Japan alone.

Also, 99% of her stuff is still at my place she told me by text also. She just took a week's worth of her clothes to her mom's place. 

Ideas? Opinions?

I do like her, of course, or I wouldn't write this. Can this be saved? And if so, what are the odds?"
BPD,"Am I getting better or do I just not care? As a person with BPD, I understand that my unstable friendships are due to a lack of security. I have come upon some very good friends over the past couple years, and I realized that I don’t mind seeing them interact with other people(for the most part). Normally, I would go, “Oh great! Symptoms gone, I’m no longer driving myself up the wall!” but the problem is, I feel like I’m going through the motions of friendship without actually feeling it? I’m not really attached to them. I have been told that I am like family to them. I have been there to support them and they have supported me when times got hard.

I appreciate the acts of reciprocation; I’ll drop almost anything help them and they’ll do the same, but I don’t really feel affection towards them. If they never messaged me again, or disappeared without warning, I would be confused, if the topic came up, but it’d be more like out of sight, out of mind. Like, oh, that’s inconvenient, guess I’ll have to find a new lunch buddy.

And then while that’s going on, I have an internet person who’s becoming a little too close to becoming my FP for my comfort(I haven’t had a proper FP since I was 13), and the thought of them liking other people more than me makes me feel like my insides are on fire. It eats away at me from the inside out, and then I cry, then I tell myself I’m over it, and generally feel ok for a while while interacting with them and hearing them talk about other people before the cycle starts over again. 

What is this? Some kind of detachment to keep from hurting if they leave? Or am I getting better and the FP thing is a momentary relapse of judgement for one person? How do non BPD people go about their friendships? Do they feel things, or just pretend they do? I feel like that can’t be it. Not sure if I should go back to therapy to discuss with a professional again. I feel like I’m some kind of monster forcing myself into human skin and playing a role for the happiness of others and societal pressures. 

Surely this nothingness towards the very stable friendships in my life isn’t supposed to be how I feel?"
BPD,When BPD makes you feel... Empty. So empty and bored and lonely. Like you try to fill the void but nothing is good enough. Nothing is satisfying enough. Then the fact that life is just so predictable. I need some spontaneity in my life ASAP. And I'm feeling risky like I wanna have $3x with a stranger. Ugh!
BPD,"[Venting] It's not fair that we can't just ask for comfort. If you're one of the people who need constant attention and sympathy and comfort, like me, wouldn't it be nice if you could just ask someone to be your FP and they'd actually consent to comforting you as often as you need it? Wouldn't it be great if you could just say those words, ""I have trouble regulating my emotions and therefore need a lot of comfort and sympathy, sometimes for no real reason other than my brain chemicals being off. Please comfort me forever and I'll love you and be your best friend forever."" And then they'd just. Actually do that. No games, no white lies, no awkwardness, no manipulation, no having to make up something wrong because I can't just say, ""My brain sucks. I'm sympathy-deficient. Please lay it on me thick.""

But I don't think the world works like that. Granted, I've never tried it. Maybe someone here has been that honest and blunt, in which case I congratulate your spirit of bravery and invite you to share how it went. 

But mostly, honest FP relationships like this don't exist, I think. I've never seen one anyway. I had one FP who confronted ME about my sympathy need, and swore to give it to me, good reason or not. Spoiler, he bailed. Hurt/comfort relationships tend to drain the other person, even hurt them, and it's so unfair that something I NEED hurts people. It's unfair to them and it's unfair to me. I don't want to have to be manipulative, ever, but I gotta get my needs met or I'll end up so miserable...

Maybe everyone who's ever called me a vampire was right, but Jesus, even vampires gotta eat!!!"
BPD,"I don’t meet my boyfriend’s standard I feel like I don’t fit in what my boyfriend likes in a girl. Not only I feel, but I know. When I asked him about things he finds attractive in a girl he said pale skin, small frame, skinny and flat stomach, small boobs and short height, straight hair. Out of that, I’m only short height and maybe pale skin. Also, all the girls he followed met those characteristics, even when he shared with me which porn channels he watched. There weren’t any chubby looking girls or very far from what he described (the most different was probably a girl with bigger boobs and butt) I don’t know how to believe he likes my body type when I ask him to describe things he finds attractive and I can’t find any of my own characteristics in there. 
I’m honestly really heartbroken and don’t know how to feel. He keeps saying he prefers me yet his actions prove the opposite."
BPD,"You think you're doing better and then.... I've been having a tough couple of weeks, contemplating self-mutilation and suicide. My mind hasn't really had any ""rest"" periods, anytime where I can see ""the light at the end of the tunnel"". It's been overwhelming cause it's never been this bad for me, or at least it hasn't been like this in years. However, yesterday was better, or at least I thought it was. 

When I got home from work, I was feeling pretty damn positive. Kept reminding myself that all the crap that people have told me and said about me, says more about them than me. However, I still need to work on myself and my triggers, but that I could do it. I'm not damned by the words I was told this past week. I was in a pretty good headspace. I got into bed after work and turned on Youtube, listen to music, and was feeling even better. My head was like ""you see? you're out of that hole you dug yourself in, you can do it. you are doing it"". 

I decided to finally order some food, seeing as the most calories I've intake in one day these past weeks has been 400. So I went all out and ordered a bunch of crap from our local wings spot. I was in such a good mood, listening to great music, feeling the beat/lyrics, and seeing that ""light"". The food gets delivered and it smells amazing. I go to my room, open it all up, and just start eating. Then I start thinking about this past week and the arguments that went with it and I started to split..... badly. After a couple of bites, I started to feel extremely nauseous and I just couldn't. I started to cry and I just wanted to crawl into a ball and get under my sheets. I took all the food downstairs and did exactly that. Just like that, I was back in the hole I had dug myself earlier.

I got no sleep last night and the only thing I felt last night was the panic attacks that visited me throughout the night. Waking up frequently and feeling something terrible was happening or was about to happen and all I can do about it was cry.... and cry some more. 

I don't post of often on here, but feel like I'll be doing it more often cause at this point I have no one. Last person I talked to about my rough time told me ""everybody has to deal with their own shit so you can’t rely on them to fix shit for you."". Which is so damn true. I don't really want to reach out to anyone in my life anymore. I'd rather write it all out here to my community that understands me. 

I woke up this morning nauseous as fuck, still feeling like I'm in my hole, feeling hopeless. I put some music on and some lyrics really stuck with me: 'I wish I could disappear, So you would never see me in this mess I get in, However hard I try, keep on stumbling still, Once in a while I'll show you who I am"". I really relate to these words....."
BPD,"hate hate hate my impulsivity the other week i booked 2 tattoos and piercings and i’ve been buying shit i don’t need every day after that. it’s all distractions and i know it’s not actually what i need but it helps distract me for at least a day. now i’m mad at myself cause my tattoo healed kinda badly (wasn’t looking after it well enough, went partying the next day) and my piercings are rejecting. i regret buying everything and i hate myself for doing any of this in the first place because i wouldn’t be struggling with it all now and all the immense guilt i feel for spending all my money. i have student loan and it’s meant to cover my next 3 months and now i’m forced to go back home for the summer because i won’t be afford to live by myself. i fucking hate being at home and if i hadn’t been so impulsive and irresponsible with my money i could have stayed here :(( i feel so so sad. i’m so angry at myself but deeply i just feel so sad and empty. i have a supportive girlfriend and kind friends but there’s always a void inside of me i feel i need to fill with material items or other useless distractions. i just wish i could feel fulfilled somehow but i cant. 
i’m so sad"
BPD,"My Brother Is Scared of Me bc Of My BPD i'm sorry i just need to vent about this man, i was hanging out with my friend who also happens to be my brothers ""friend"". but my brother fucked him over, and lead him on to think he loved him when he loved someone completely different. i hear about him talking about the person he actually likes all the time, as i still live in my house with the members of my family. and i was hanging out with this friend, and my brother was attempting to gatekeep this PERSON(not an object, a person) saying things such as ""you're my friend, not hers"" and he even said something that really hurt me, ""i'm sorry *insert friends name*, i don't want to be your friend and hang out with you if my sister is there. i'm tired of seeing her."" and then proceeded to tell the friend ""but please don't tell her that, i'm scared of her, i don't know what she is capable of"" like i am some sort of monster to him when i do things to keep him safe, like even though i'm not in school anymore i texted 11 PEOPLE ""hey, my brother is new, if he looks like he needs help or looks upset please help him because i'm not there to protect him"" etc. and i check up on him on when i'm at home, going into his room asking if he wants to do something and/or asking if he is alright, and letting him know he can talk to me. i've never done anything to physically harm him, yet he has and i'm not scared of him and he is 6 inches taller than me and weighs more than i do. i don't understand why he is scared of me because of my BPD, i'm changing, and i'm trying very hard. but he won't accept that and sees me as someone like my dad(who has untreated PTSD) who abused people on a daily basis. i just don't know what to do, he said a lot of things you shouldn't say about your sister to my frienf and i can't get them out of my head, and it's making me very upset."
BPD,"Advice please I am sick and tired of everyone around me saying “I understand, I’ve been depressed before” THAT’s THE DIFFERENCE. You’ve BEEN depressed. But it’s just not the CHRONIC depression, it’s the BPD, it’s the anxiety, it’s ALL OF THE ABOVE. Not a month or two of depression, it’s years and years of worsening pain and unbearable thoughts that NEVER stop. No one in my life fully understands, I mean that’s good, but on the other hand I have no one to talk to who will UNDERSTAND and not judge me"
BPD,"Don't if this kind of venting is allow e here but...  I just went off on my therapist. I just couldn't handle her downplaying my feelings. She kept constantly putting out how I can ""change"" my thoughts. Well no shit but obviously I struggle with that or I wouldn't even been in fucking therapy for the past 10 months 

She never talked to me with any compassion or understanding. Of course she doesn't care about the damage she caused as I'm just another client on the assembly line. 

Why should I choose to be alive when I can't even fucking trust so called mental health professionals to have any empathy. 

I guess there is no help for someone like me. :( I give up."
BPD,Bad at comforting people? Not sure if this is bpd related but I just suck at comforting people. I have a friend who talks to me and has really intense emotions/reactions as well. I just don’t know how to react and my mind goes blank. I really feel his pain and feel upset as well but I don’t know what to say?? He called me crying and I just panicked. Maybe it’s because i don’t have any long term friendships. I just don’t understand how I can be so emotional yet be so unhelpful when someone else is going through it? I feel like bpd experience should help me not hurt me here and I’m just looking for advice or insight.
BPD,"r/BPD, is this just me? Is it just me, or does anybody else refrain from interacting with/engaging in media that your old FP was into, even if you enjoyed it as well? 

For instance, my old FP (my ex) loved Jojo's Bizarre Adventures, and so did I. I was heavily engrossed with it, and it brought me a lot of joy. However, I must mention that me and my ex have ended on some...VERY bad blood due to the events that took place during our relationship. I'll spare you the details, but it's so bad to the point where I can't even look at a certain piece of media (regardless how little or much it's associated with him)...without going into total pandemonium. 

Technically, this could be classified as PTSD, but I would like to know if anyone else with BPD understands how I feel/ has had similar experiences. 

Best Regards <3"
BPD,"I hurt so bad Today my partner said to me ""I finally understand all of those terrible things people say about pwBPD"" and I just...want to crawl in a hole and die.

I've been trying to hard to manage it but I guess I just....can't do well enough."
BPD,"DAE crave friendships and a feeling of belonging, but whenever somebody reaches out you put your walls up? I’m realizing that making friends is such a hurdle for me due to my habit of isolating myself for fear of rejection/abandonment. I will get excited when a coworker I like adds me on Facebook, but then whenever they actually attempt to converse with me I clam up. 

I get nervous about them seeing my posts and thinking I’m stupid or fake, because I behave differently at work (I find it hard to show my true self at work, and behave as a quiet and serious person but on Facebook I will share my humor). I also get afraid that the more they speak with me, the more boring they will think I am and end up judging and abandoning me. 

I’m also afraid to reveal too much about myself because I’m afraid that they will use it against me or laugh about it with others behind my back. 

But I think what I fear the most about it is that I don’t even know how to be myself. I feel like I have no true personality and I never know what to say or how to react to things. I don’t even like who I am, so why would anyone else?"
BPD,"I can't take Twitter anymore I wasn't sure to make or not this post but I'm bursting with bad emotions. 
Twitter triggers every and all negative feelings on me. I can't do it anymore. I did an account solely for following some cc's I like. 
Everyday and everytime I saw stupid people and unfair discussions. It makes so angry. So absolutely mad, it physically drains me.
 I'm holding back tears right now, it exhausts me so much. I just deleted my account, I don't plan to go back. I feel so sad for all the people being targeted, all the injustice, lack of love, lack of respect. 
How can people be able to treat others with so little compassion? I don't get it, I hate it. And I hate how it affects me so much. Today was the last straw.
I hope one day people learn how to be actually good people and not just plain rude and mean."
BPD,"DAE blow things out of proportion? I'm not too sure if I'm the only one really, but does anyone ever feel that as soon as you mess up (whether it's with an SO or a coworker) your relationship with them is absolutely ruined? It can be over the smallest things as well. Recently I missed a phone call from my SO letting me know he was coming home from work, and when he walked in, he commented on it. He wasn't rude, he just said ""hey, I called you to let you know I'd be here."" I immediately felt horrible, and in my mind, I was telling myself that he was probably very irritated and was going to break up with me because of it. 

I've talked to him a few times about feeling like a shitty SO, and he reassures me that everything is fine, but as soon as anything little happens, my mind starts telling me that the relationship is doomed."
BPD,"Fear of abandonment coping skills PLEASE For the past month I’ve been in a new relationship. He does everything right and is so amazing, which makes me feel like a clingy idiot when I fear he will change his mind about me or that he is mad when he isn’t. I’m aware it’s in my head, but It’s hard to not listen to my head when my last serious relationship my ex would just leave me and come back all the time. 

I feel myself beginning to fall into the hole of pushing aside important things to spend as much time possible with him. Sometimes it feels like I don’t focus on much else. He got a new job that will be taking up more of his time, which is probably a blessing in disguise so I can learn to balance time for myself, but I still am so anxious he won’t make time for me (which he already promised he would w out me even having to ask.) He makes me happy and I can’t just let my abandonment issues run my relationships for the rest of my life. 

Does anyone have coping mechanisms that they find rly work when you start to worry someone will leave or is mad??"
BPD,"I can’t stop overreacting I’ve been dating my fp for a while, and we talk all day every day usually, unless one of us is busy or at work (but usually we let each other know beforehand). Lately I have been nervous that he’s pulling away or becoming uninterested in me, but then when we hang out everything is okay. He has been starting to talk less and less and it’s been sending me into a frenzy of anxiety and panic for the past week or so. I’m so conscious of pushing people away and terrified of being abandoned by people I care about because I am too much to handle or exhausting to them. Today, I’ve been so on edge because I have sporadically heard from him and now, it’s been almost 8 hours since I’ve heard anything from him. I hate this because 1) it sends me into a frenzy of calling and texting him because I’m terrified that something bad has happened to him and now I’m scared that he’s gonna see that I’ve blown up his phone and think I’m annoying or crazy and 2) I’ve started convincing myself that he just decided he doesn’t care about me and is ghosting me and I’m never gonna hear from him again so I’m preparing myself to start caring about him less so it makes it easier if he doesn’t want me anymore. Both of these things have consumed my whole day because I have no real hobbies besides work and hanging out with/talking to him. I’m just a paranoid mess right now and I haven’t been able to distract myself from the feeling that all of my knee-jerk reactions to the situation are going to ruin my relationship."
BPD,"how to curb feelings of abandonment? need strategies for handling anxiety/overthinking hello all, i’m slightly unsure how to word this, or even formulate my thoughts and feelings into one cohesive and articulate post. i was diagnosed with BPD a year ago, which was both relieving, as I now had a diagnosis which explained my disposition, yet slightly terrifying as i was now faced with the fact of the matter- I had a mental disorder that was in part, slightly responsible for my irrational thoughts/behavior and i had to begin dealing with it head on. to top it off, my therapist was absolutely detrimental to my healing process and provided no significant help. 

as i’m new to understanding the complexity of this diagnosis, i still have trouble handling and getting a grip on my emotions. to get to the point of this post; i have a boyfriend whom i’m absolutely in love with. we’ve been together for 2 years and i’ve also come to the conclusion that he’s my “fp”. he emotionally cheated in the past, once, about a year ago after relapsing...but i couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship and attempted to heal for both of our sakes. it has been a long road of intense anxiety, uncontrollable emotions, and extremely impulsive decisions, and i am still in the process of trying to manage all of these things while acting as a fair partner. 

currently, our relationship is perfect, truly, and i know he isn’t doing anything in terms of infidelity. yet, i still struggle with intense feelings of abandonment and overthink constantly when i’m not physically with him. these thoughts range from, “am i attractive, is our sex life healthy, what if he finds a better, more stable partner?”, you know, the works...and i begin to quickly spiral. i guess i’m just looking for strategies to handle this from people with this diagnosis. i understand therapy is absolutely essential to managing my anxiety and i am in the process of finding one, however i feel that sometimes dialogue with those who understand one’s way of thinking is necessary and can maybe provide me with helpful coping strategies

edit: forgot to add, my boyfriend and i did break up some months after the incident due to me pushing him away and constant arguments stemming for my insecurities. after a week, we got back together and i do try now to never really bring it up and reopen the wound"
BPD,Birthday death Honestly I’m fucking done. No one cares about me nobody cares that I’m alive I’m a fucking burden so in poetic nature I think I was taking all my antidepressants and die today. I lives for 23 years that’s enough I’m not going through this every year. People acting like they care but when it comes to holidays I’m always fucking alone and I’ve reached out but nobody cares I can’t live life alone I need people around I need support. I’m done. I have the whole day to build my bravery up but today is it. I’m also depressed and it’s not other peoples fault I just don’t wanna put my body through more and more stress every year that’s going to eventually kill me I’ll just do it myself. I thought at least one person say happy birthday especially after a year but it’s OK that’s fine they will have to worry about it ever again. I’m not going to do it
BPD,I hate Grindr It triggers me so bad cuz I’m ugly and everyone ignores me but I need it because I’m hyper sexual 24/7 😭😭😭😭😭😭
BPD,"DAE ever forget that their FP is a unique person with their own thoughts and dreams that have nothing to do with you? I feel like when it passes the honeymoon phase of the first 6 months or so I tend to start looking at my FP almost as an extension of myself. I have to actively remind myself that their whole world doesn't actually revolve around me and they have other things going on that I'm not at all a part of.

It's kinda scary because idk how I get to that point where I'm so self-involved in the first place. And it's also scary because I know I have a tendency to be codependent and too much of my life *does* revolve around my FP and it's never mutual to the same extent. 

This also tends to wear down a relationship, I've never had an intense relationship (romantic or strictly friendship) that lasted longer than about 3 years. Sometimes there's a dramatic falling out/breakup, sometimes someone moves away, sometimes it's like a switch flips and I'm just over it. 

I know that splitting is common, and that people tend to obsess over their FP, but is it common to kind of cycle through them? Is it common to struggle to see them as an individual separate from you? Or are those my own relationship issues?

Currently don't have insurance and can't afford therapy, and I'm newly coming to terms with having BPD so idk if this is a dumb question, guess I'm just throwing it out there for internets until I get get a new therapist."
BPD,"My friend killed herself yesterday. She killed herself in the dark, her parents found her dead. We got the news earlier today. She was the kind of girl who will give you the love and the respext you deserved. She showed us how to love and how to see the beauty in the ugly. I'm sad and I don't know what to do with that. I just hope she finds the peace she was looking for."
BPD,"Advice/Help - Is it wrong avoid people based on fear?  I have no idea how to describe this,  


I hold a lot of similar traits to BPD, I have had very intense, toxic borderline abusive relationships with people (particularly romantic ). I have a really strong fear of abandonment and react in very volatile ways. I will often see things in black and white, hold people into extremes. I will be obssessive. I don't do this all the time, but I have struggled a lot with this within romance. I have never been diagnosed beyond depression and I don't wish to be diagnosed with anything. I'm aware of my faults and like to work at them one by one and the mental health system where i am seems to spit people back out more then actually help them.

​

I've meet a lot of people with borderline and been attracted to them as a person, but I often feel like I am hitting a brick wall. I hold relatively healthy relationships, and am in one right now. I can manage my paranoia and depressive symptoms mostly, but around borderlines I can't. I even become something I hate. The strongest of these have been two past romantic interests, where I found myself feeling incredibly hurt and at points reacting to this hurt in ways that were just abusive but in ways where it was two people abusing each other. I am not proud of this, actually I am disgusted in myself by simply not walking away, but once I was in these relationships I felt bound like all my emotions were in them? Like we were obssessed with what each other thought, which is bizzare to me? One of these is a friend who I hold dearly from HS, who I had a very bad toxic friendship with but who knows me well and we will take a break from each other if we need too (which is good, It feels healthy). They are the only person with BPD I get along with. I find that I often become this attractive person to people with BPD and me to them. I love them because they tend to be great people readers but for them to me I have no idea why, except that I have been told that I have a very empathetic nature (??) The problem is, is that I am also opinionated. It comes from a good place and I will often try to encourage the person to understand how the other people are feeling or ask about the situation to get a better grasp. This seems to place me in trouble without trying. In general it is not issue at all but with anyone I've met with BPD it basically has been.  


Is it right, and is it okay to not develop close friendships with people who are unstable, because you (being me) are unstable yourself? and you fear that you will be unable to cope and end up in a toxic situation (that you have no strength to end).   


How do you 'fix' or manage past relationships where you understand that you don't get along, you don't want this person in your life and are happy in yourself ad with your new so BUT, you know this person is fixated on you (has been for 2+ years) and because you feel badly about this, you become  fixated on them (I am obsessive).  


I'm not sure if this even fits here, and it seems impossible to explain but I really just feel lost?"
BPD,"Out of touch with reality? I don't know if I'm just severely dissociated or what. But everytime I'm alone or sometimes even when I'm with people or at work, I have this feeling of like. Idek. Not being real? Like like feel suddenly extremely surreal. To the point when I hold my own hands I'm creeped out cause I don't recognize that feeling. Cause I don't even recognize my own hands. Idk, I feel crazy. I've just been recently diagnosed so everything is a lot. Any pointers on how to avoid that feelings ig?"
BPD,"Does anyone want to go camping? Could we do this? I wonder.

I really would like to go camping and sleep outside for at least 2 nights, maybe 3. It would be fun to do with a group of people supporting each other.

Or not. Lol. But comment or dm me if you're interested. Just a crazy idea perhaps."
BPD,"GF (22) and I (M, 22) breaking up because of career locations I've been dating her for a little over 2 years now. Really thought she was gonna be the person I marry. This was the first healthy relationship I've ever had, and also the longest. Communication was amazing. The connection is amazing. I love her so much, and I know she loves me. But while I head to a different state to get my master's and PsyD in clinical psych, she's going to stay where we are and study law and become an attorney. We're both very passionate and educated for our age in the fields we want to go into, and I know both of us will be successful, but it feels like I have a hole in my heart now. She was definitely my FP. The only person I've ever trusted that much. She knows me better than anyone else in the entire world. 

I only have a month left before we graduate and move on. And the breakup is conscious and made with love, I want her to be fulfilled in her life and do what's best for her, even if that means I can't go with her. This is one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. It doesn't seem like I'll ever find that type of connection again.... I just feel hopeless in that aspect. She has never lied to me, always told me how it was, and would admit when she was wrong, and I did the same. Unconditional acceptance and love on both ends. I feel so many different emotions towards her, that she's abandoning me, that I'm stupid for thinking she'd want to spend her life with someone like me. But in reality she feels horrible for doing this to me, she really does love and proves that every time I see her, when she could've just cut me off. Both of us want to go through this process of separation together in a sense, and I don't mean that in a way of we pretend like it's all okay, but rather we talk about how we feel about it and things of that sort. I told her from the jump, I can't fight her battles, and she can't fight mine, but I'll be in her corner. And she always tells me she's in mine. And we're keeping it that way till the end.

It's so natural for us to want to put a face to the reason why bad things happen, and it's so normal for our emotions and feelings of abandonment to come up in a roaring storm when we're going through something like this. But sometimes, it's not a person. That's what this is showing me. It's not because of me, and it's not because of her, that's just life. 

And for the things we cannot control, we must accept, no matter the pain. I will experience many dark nights of absolute sobbing and horrific emotions and thoughts. I will experience emptiness to a whole new degree. I will feel depressed, defeated, and hopeless. But I will prevail, through allowing my emotions, through being mindful, and through self exploration and acceptance. If there's anything I've learned from her, it's that I am worthy and deserving of love. I hope I showed her the same, because she will have a place in my heart until the day I die."
BPD,"When the abused becomes the abuser TL;DR: I unknowingly traumatized my favorite person  and I feel awful

As a child I was severely emotionally and mentally abused and exploited. I was also very mildly sexually and physically abused. As a result, I'm a very fucked up person who has a very fucked up view on the world. I developed BPD when I was 10 and got diagnosed this January at the age of 15. Getting diagnosed has given me a lot of time to do some self reflection and assessment of my flaws. I've made huge progress to become a better person, but, I still fucked up.

My favorite person who I've known for three or four years and I were talking last night. He opened up to me about the abuse and trauma I put him through while I was undiagnosed and unaware of what I was doing. I exploited his trust and used it for my own personal gain, and went to extreme lengths to do so.  I would even hit him on a few occasions if he pissed me off, which was very easy to do. I emotionally manipulated him and made efforts to cut off his other friends and I would stalk him to make sure he wasn't talking to them. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses but I've gone through severe trauma, especially with people I love leaving me. I was petrified of him leaving me. And, in order to prevent that imagined fear, I fucked him up. And at some points I knew I was a toxic person but I never addressed it. And whenever my friend would speak up about the shit I was pulling, I would either gaslight him, go into a suicidal rampage and blame him for it, or accept it but not do anything about it. Whenever he expressed his emotions I'd ignore them and make it about myself.

I'm glad I'm not that person anymore, but god I feel awful. I cant believe I became the person I feared most. I didnt mean to, I really didnt. Thankfully we're on really good terms now because I've made efforts to not be that toxic bitch anymore, but I feel so bad.  And growing up as a victim of abuse, I can't believe I put someone who I love and care about through that. I have left him traumatized and it's my fault. I wish I could go back and change it all because he didnt deserve it. I wish I understood what I was doing wrong. 

And god I fucked him up good. He flinches every time I go to touch him. He gets random anxiety attacks around me. He slips away into dissociative episodes easily when at my house. He avoids telling me about his mental state because he doesn't feel like I'm a safe person to go to. He can't say no to anything anyone tells him anymore, because when he did it was ignored. When my tone changes around him, it triggers a panic attack. I honestly cant believe I did that to a person. I feel so ashamed and disgusted. 

I cant believe I became a monster. The same monster that fucked me up as a child. I feel so guilty and I want to cry. I'm so thankful that we're on good terms now and he forgives me, but I cant forgive myself."
BPD,"My FP posted negatively about me after our breakup and I’m not okay I know I shouldn’t have, but I went through their Reddit Accounts histories, and on one of them he responded on a certain sub Reddit to just “block forever” and how I was posting thirst traps. Things ended amicably, I came back home to work on myself. I saw on TikTok hot girl Summer was a thing and when I looked it up, google said it was about working on yourself and doing what’s best for you. I thought that’s what I was doing here. I made a post and I made a couple Instagram stories, and even though he had unfollowed me I see he posted on that sub Reddit about how little I care about him even though he still loves me and how I am just posting thirst traps. I feel like I’m going insane. It feels like every single problem that happens gets put under the scapegoat of BPD. I can never win, anything that goes less than a how someone expects it’s just part of the borderline. I don’t even know what to do right now."
BPD,Just played Last of us 2 and it was like being chucked into an emotional shitstorm. Is it normal to cry so much you start screaming at people not to leave you? Thought I might actually throw up I was crying so much... And now my eyes are pulsating and so so sore
BPD,"Recovering drug addict and confused So I’m (18m) a recovering drug addict. In March I will have two years of sobriety. When I was using, I was clinically insane, constantly in psychosis, suicidal, and just deluded. Most of that stuff went away when I got sober but I’ve noticed I still have self destructive tendencies and I disassociate very often. I’ve got everything I want in life as a result of my sobriety and I still work on my sobriety constantly but at the same time I feel like somethings missing. Recently a friend got diagnosed with BPD and I started looking into the symptoms and it was like a therapist wrote about my brain while I was using. Now that I’m sober, I feel like I still have the same symptoms but I’m just better at dealing with them. Do any of you have an experience like this and would it be worth my time to see a psychiatrist?"
BPD,"Not Feeling my Emotions the Same Way A few months ago I would be able to explain to you how my emotions felt all encompassing and I could feel it in every inch of my body. Especially in my chest. Now when I feel emotions it feels slightly.. empty? Almost emotionless, but I’m crying and sobbing. Just not feeling my emotions the same way… I’m a little worried because I have had traumatic event happen after traumatic event for the past month and I don’t really feel it as strongly as I would have before. Has this happened to anyone before? Does it come back? Or is this my new normal?"
BPD,"Why is taking and staying on my meds SO HARD In the 5 years I've been on meds I've never, ever been able to reliably take them for more than a few months at most. In the hospital, I'd either toss the pills or stop when I got out. When my mother was instructed to give me them so I couldn't OD I took them obediently for about two weeks before saying fuck it and hiding a stash and OD'ing on them. When I have to take them myself I don't, it's too much effort. I'm up to my ears in anxiety and depression and anger and despondency and EVERYTHING but I NEVER can reliably stay on my meds. I manipulate my med doctor and make her think I am taking them by refilling them at the right time and the one time she caught me I lost it and had the BPD Meltdown (TM). I've been slipping on that act though and haven't refilled 2 weeks since I should have, I'm sick of wasting money on meds I don't take. I have a huge stash of full bottles, enough to put me in the ground. I keep saying 'this time I'll stay on them' and flop a week or 2 later. Why is this so hard. I can't sleep, function, interract, etc without them, I'm a complete mess. I need to take my meds and maybe this shit life would go away but I just can't do it. It's too hard"
BPD,"Sorry, tmi? So I was diagnosed with BPD back in September, and I think I just found the right med combination. 

Why? 

Because I went from absolutely despising myself and wanting to die and hating looking at myself with no sex drive to horny 25/8 and constantly taking pictures of myself and showing off to my boyfriend. 

Is this a “good” sign? I just changed meds for the third time since September and the past few weeks that I’ve been taking olanzapine makes me think it seems to be my new miracle med."
BPD,"DAE have a problem with down votes triggering feelings of rejection? Because this shit has been really demoralizing for me... I work up the courage to post and get some of what I've spent my whole life bottling up out, only for strangers to make me feel even more invalidated than I already do, by the simple click of an arrow... I know that's ridiculous... And I know I shouldn't care... but I do. I care so much that I obsess over it. 

I'm an approval junkie, and I don't know how to not be.

I'm desperate for approval, but then I want to tell the world to fuck off when I don't get it. 

I fucking hate this.

And by this I mean myself.

This isn't the only reason I keep looping back to the image of finally blowing my brains out... but it is probably the most ridiculous one.

EDIT: Holy shit! I didn't imagine this many people would feel the same way, but I honestly feel a lot better now that I know so many do. The constant compulsive checking and refreshing  makes me feel so neurotic when I catch myself doing it...and I just get so embarrassed with how effected I am by these things. I have actually turned off all the notifications on my phone that I can, and I've gone through several bouts of deactivating social media like many of you mentioned. I try leaving my phone in separate rooms, and flipping it over so I can't see the screen... I get the rushes of anxiety, and the feelings of devaluation... All of it. 

Thank you all so much for your input and support! 

I also have to point out that the irony of this being my most up voted post is not lost on me lol..."
BPD,"Might need to be hospitalized, and very scared I think I might need to be hospitalized and I’m scared

Im not doing okay after losing a FP recently. I’ve started burning myself again, and am constantly drunk and high. I just want to die to stop this pain. I’ve been trying frantically to get help, but it seems no one cares. 

Im afraid to go to the hospital due to PTSD from being hospitalized as a kid, but I’m also afraid of myself and my actions. I don’t know what to do"
BPD,"new relationship emotional rollercoaster I have been out of the dating scene since late 2019, recently i met a girl on HER and we've been dating for a month. let's call her T. it's going quite smooth, we already had sex and it's awesome, we're very different yet we connect very well. she also has BPD. 

the thing is that while i am overall very happy about my life in this moment (i'm attending a trade school that is actually my passion, i'm doing quite a lot of work with my therapist, i have a few very valid friends) and this new relationship i also noticed an increase in very sudden and quick splitting on T, triggers are ususally of i see her online but she doesn't look at my text ""quickly enough"" or if maybe she text back after quite some time. 

those moment are quite unbearable for me, i'm also trying to smoke less weed but this thing does not help at all. i need advice"
BPD,"BPD Bible Quotes I'm not a religious person, but I do enjoy quoting things, so I was wondering if anyone had any quotes from the Bible (or your religious text of choice) that you felt spoke to you as a pwBPD.

Any subject is welcome, be it your relationships with others, relationship with yourself, whatever you identify with most."
BPD,"Feeling guilt while having Borderline Personality Disorder [Possibly TW] Feeling guilt as someone with Borderline

So, im not really sure where to begin here, as this is my first reddit post ever, but i've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after a really bad breakup and toxic relationship ended, i have all the evidences, the ptsd and trauma response to KNOW that my ex girlfriend did cause me a lot of emotional pain and abuse, but yet... i find it so so hard to blame her, and instead, i blame myself for all the mistakes i made. i was manipulative and guilt tripped her, and even to it was a double edged sword, meaning i hurt her and she hurt me i still cant live or cope with the immense guilt i feel for hurting her.
when we broke things off she sent me a text message calling me the most horrid things, and just basically saying i was the worst person in the world, which i know i probably was for her, but like... how do i move on with my life without letting this guilt consume me? some days i feel so bad for having hurted her, for probably have given her trauma and emotional scars that i feel like commiting suicide... bc how do i get to live knowing i was so awful to someone? i have recognized patterns and my behavior has changed greatly, so why cant i give myself some slack for being so unstable during that relationship? (i was without therapy/meds and today i do sessions every week and take 40mg of mood stabilizers) 
is this a bpd thing? is this bc we feel things more intensely? was she my hyperfixation person and is this why i feel so consumed and hollow for having done her harm? i should hate her and be glad i hurt her too for all that she caused me but theres nothing i want more than her forgiviness. 
if someone can help me, i would appreciate it."
BPD,"Bad Dreams Sometimes I have these really intense and vivid dreams/nightmares. In them, my childhood best friend (and first boyfriend who i have no contact with now) dies. In the last one I went to his room and I recalled what he smelled like and memories that I’ve repressed and i recalled all this even after I woke up. The dreams are so vivid that they feel like memories. 

Once I made the mistake of messaging this guy after one of these (in that one he had killed himself) and begging him not to. He of course thinks I’m crazy. 

But it feels so real and there are such intricate details in them and objects I know he must still have... 

Does anyone else have these? Is it even a bpd thing? Am I losing it"
BPD,"Finding out about things that really hurt! My ex-FP (aka my abuser) apparently has been telling other people to avoid me and not be friends with me since our falling out two years ago. I've been in agony because of this narcissistic POS and I'm absolutely crushed by finding out about what has been going on behind the scenes from a friend who didn't listen to my ex-FP. I've been doing so much better for myself since cutting her out of my life but damn this still really hurts. I've spent so much time crying and hating myself because of this awful person, it makes me sick."
BPD,"How to handle being mad at your FP? TW: Mentions of self-harm, mentions of razor blades

​

My birthday is coming up in a week and I peeked at my amazon wishlist to see what's been bought, one of the items was a razor blade necklace that I've been wanting. I screenshotted it and sent it to him and said ""*I can't believe my mom's actually getting me that lmao*"" and he replied with ""*OH THE IRONY*"" my mom made the same joke a few days ago so it triggered me pretty bad. (My mom is verbally abusive). We were talking about shaving and I said ""*I've never cut myself shaving before, IDK how people manage do that*"" and my mom said ""*The irony of that..*"" I went to him upset and angry about it and he comforted me. He told me she was being stupid and insensitive and much more. But now he's making the same joke? I talked to him about it and told him how much it upset me, he's apologized a million times and feels awful about it, but I'm still mad. Every time I talk to him I feel like I'm gonna split. I don't know how to deal with it, or how to stop being angry. Our relationship is fresh (we're dating) and this is the first time I've been upset with him. I don't like being mad. I don't know what to do. I want space but I hate being away from him for more than a few hours at a time. Does anyone have any advice?"
BPD,"DAE get dreams about old fps?? It’s literally the worst when it happens. Either it’s a good dream and I get sad because part of me misses them, or it’s a bad dream and then I get sad because it’s so real. I think it’s worse right now because I’ve moved back home for the summer, and it’s where they live. Just wish my brain would be normal sometimes."
autism,"Do certain sounds ever bother you? For me, it’s leaf blowers…so very loud, even from a distance.  

There is one right now being used across the street from where I live.  Trying to block it out with music…"
autism,"My Mum is trying to get my psychiatrist to put aspergers on my diagnosis. Context, My(16F) mum(51F) is an anti vax and believes autism is ""given"" to children by vaccines.

 I have been on a waiting list for an autism diagnosis for a while. Finally I was seen by a psychiatrist and was given questions, puzzles and stuff like that. After it was finished the psychiatrist called my mum into the room to tell her the results.

I was in the corner of my phone but I suddenly heard shouting, I went up to my mum and asked what was wrong, she said ""This woman wants to put autism on your medical records! It's ridiculous!"" She kept asking silly questions like why aspergers  wasn't a diagnosis anymore.

The psychiatrist told her about the nazi history behind it. She just said ""So what if he was a Nazi? He still discovered aspergers, he shouldn't be discredited. If you can't diagnosis her with aspergers I don't want her diagnosed with anything! She's NORMAL!""

It hurt, a lot, and I was really uncomfortable. Eventually she just took my hand and we left the place, I left with no diagnosis and the entire car ride home she was ranting about how shitty of a job the psychiatrist was and how the medical system has gone down the crapper.

I don't know what to do, without an official diagnosis, my highschool won't give me the accommodations I need and I will struggle but my mum refuses an autism diagnosis. I've tried to tell her it just isn't an official diagnosis anymore but she won't listen.

She's put me on another waiting list, I can't wait another year or even longer just for her to deny me it because she thinks autism is something bad.

What should I do? Should I just suck it up and live life without the accommodations that I need? How do I convince her?"
autism,"Maths is too hard, am I the issue? I'm almost at tenth grade and I've absolutely no capability to deal with the math work provided, I even get the easier stuff because I'm on a learning plan but sometimes the work is so difficult not even my SLSO (assigned aid) is capable of doing it, everyone else seems able to do it, am I the issue here or is maths just too hard for everyone?"
autism,Is autism linked to food allergy or insensitivity? Just wondering. Based on several posts I’ve read here recently.
autism,"Want to get some opinion about how other redditors deal with disabled folks. edit: i should have put my title as ""NT redditors"" not ""other""

trigger warning: you may feel sad/frustrated/angry

this article is getting some traction in r/news:

https://old.reddit.com/r/news/comments/t96y35/no_charges_for_5yearold_who_left_teacher/

the comments are very interesting and are from teachers/former teachers/family alike, and how they dealt with students who were having big meltdowns.

i know folks around here would absolutely condemn the actions from the people, but i wonder: what would a good, safe alternative be?"
autism,"I could really use some advice Hey guys. I was really hoping any of you could give me some advice.

I'm and 18 year old girl and I have autism. My intense social anxiety caused me to not be in school very often so my marks definitely showed that. I'm graduating high school this year, but I'm so, so scared of what's ahead. I applied for college but I honestly don't know if I'll even get in. I haven't been able to keep a job because retail jobs consist of me having a constant panic attack. But all I can get are retail jobs because I don't have experience. 

I just feel so stuck, like there is nothing ahead that I can actually do. I'm feeling so much pressure. Also my friends graduated last year and are now in university and college so I've been really lonely.

Anyway, it was kind of nice to get it all out. Does anyone have any advice, or at least is anyone going through something similar? I'd love to know I'm not alone. "
autism,"Accidentally Cruel I know being impolite on accident is a common autistic thing. But yesterday my dad stopped to tell me that I’ll often say things that are cruel, and was completely shocked. I had absolutely no idea. I couldn’t even think of something cruel I’d said. Anyone else struggling with this, and how to manage it? I don’t want to be cruel, but If I’ve been accidentally saying mean or cruel things my whole life, how do I stop?"
autism,"Alt stim to water? tl;dr any good alt stims to water for a 3-4 year old?

Hi all! I'm a preschool teacher who is almost definitely on the spectrum. One of my students is definitely neurodivergent, and I've been trying to help support him in the classroom and keep him safe (using his chew stim toy instead of eating mud and sucking on markers, redirecting him to spin instead of climbing and jumping off things). 

One thing I am having trouble with, though, is that he LOVES water. Normally this is less of an issue bc we have a water sensory table, but bc of covid we have gotten rid of all water play. Now he washes his hands for ages, or takes toys over to the sink, or drinks water copiously. Nothing super harmful but a potential health risk, and it often results in him getting scolded by my less-tolerant/understanding co teachers. Is there anyone else who stims with water who has an alternative they've found, or any ideas? Tysm!!"
autism,"So with all the recent surveys. OP of them blocks dissidents, spams the subreddit, and doesn’t talk to anyone. is that a cool thing to do? A poll about the misery of polls because why not.

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/smovyg)"
autism,"Does anyone else have this? I’m F(15) 

Please be kind the comments 

So, I love sharing drinks and food with friends, but I HATE sharing with family.

My family isn’t perfect and no one is. BUT even when I’m having a good time with them I get annoyed when they ask for a bites or a bit of my food/snack or drinks.

If you’re my friend yes bite my food use my fork or get your own let’s eat together yes you CAN drink my juice.

Family? On the other hand…NO!!! but I’ve been told off for not sharing with family or not wanting to drink or eat from the same fork/spoon or cup that they used.

Is there anything called for this? lol 
I know a lot of people are opposite and prefer to share with family but not friends."
autism,"Hunger games I just watched hunger games for the first time (I know, I'm slow about movies) did anyone else think that the main character and her mother were on the spectrum?"
autism,"Can i be independent Ive recently been diagnosed with High-Functioning autism, and is it possible to be independent ? i have dreams i want to fulfill  but i feel I'll never become the adult i want to be.

I'm currently 19 going to be 20 and i feel ever since i dropped out of high school, it's becoming more apparent how scary the world is, what steps should i take in order to achieve my goal, i don't wanna be relying on my mom forever i know i can make something for myself and be successful in whatever i decide to do (or that's what i keep telling myself) 

please if any of you have advice i would appreciate it"
autism,communication cards hey everyone! I want to make a set of cards for our non-verbal or deaf customers at work so that I can better communicate with guests and be as accommodating as possible...what are some words or phrases I can add that you think would be helpful so that guests can communicate their needs with me better?
autism,Fidget toys/Sensory Tools Has anyone else noticed how the price of fidget toys/sensory tools has gone up?
autism,"Did you ever participate in your school’s Academic Decathlon? Just curious on how different clubs have attracted our different faces

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/vrdolu)"
autism,"what are some ways you have overcome or worked around your ""walls""? over the years of beings autistic i have had many walls and had to ether overcome or work around them. . . there are some i am still finding and working on over coming but what are some you have been able to overcome and work through?   
tell me your stories!"
autism,Blanket side Ok tell me or you a pattern up or pattern down kind of person and also are you a tag towards or away from your face kind of person cause I'm a pattern up tag away ki d of person
autism,Has anyone ever experienced being called a robot? I often find myself getting insulted and ridiculed for being autistic and my abusers call me a robot.
autism,I brushed my teeth today Doin pretty good
autism,"Insight on those with non verbal communication Hi there,

I know there is mixed opinion regarding ABA therapy. However that’s why I am here. I am an RBT at an ABA clinic and I plan on going through to get my masters to become a BCBA. (But that’s besides the point). 

I currently work with a client at the clinic full time who is non verbal. He just turned 6 and does say sounds like mama and ahh but does not speak any other words other than that. I have started to introduce PECS  and sign language to him in hopes of being able to better communicate with him so he can tell me what he wants. However I still do like to encourage him to say his sounds in hopes that one day he may be able to communicate to me vocally. 

I know there is many different types of autism and not all of those on the spectrum communicate vocally. However I wanted to hear from those with autism who may have been non verbal in the past or currently are considered non verbal and what works or worked best for you to help communicating. 

I want to be able to help this kiddo communicate to the best of his ability without being intrusive, and was hoping to get some insight on what may be going through his head since I wouldn’t know."
autism,"Does anyone else have a totally irrational fear? Hey,

So I'm scared of mud and soil. I don't mean 'I don't like it, it's dirty ewwwww' I mean if I touch garden soil I'm going to start breathing heavily and it's going to be horrible. If I get muddy I'll spend so long in the shower people start to wonder if I've drowned. I don't know whether it's part of my usual touch sensitivity thing or if it's just weird (as most nt people I speak to say) so I was wondering whether anybody else has a strange fear like this?"
autism,"Question about verbal expression troubles I need autistic folk to answer this one. (not to invalidate or anything; just don't know this communiy's composition) Have been asking myself this for a long time/wondered:

Has anyone who over time learned and mastered another language than the one they grew up with 
(includes the one spoken with your fam) 
and noticed that they have an easier time expressing themselves and with significantly more accuracy regarding emotional, mental etc.
(so basically psychological and sociological)
stuff?

Example in case this is hard to follow/confusing:

Grew up in germany, so german = mother toung;
Fam is yugoslavian, so serbian (and the other three siblings) = other language, but within fam circle <- not the one I mean 
Learned english in school and eventually mastered it. <- that's the one I mean with my q.

English allowed me a significant gain in precision when it comes to expression (especially in the named fields). 

I wonder whether:
- this might be just a me thing
- this might be because of english
- this is a trend/pattern within the autistic community
- right above but replace autistic with ND community
- this might be an ADHD thing(?) 
- some combination of the aboves"
autism,"Does anybody else exhibit some amount of symptoms of dyslexia yet either isn’t or doesn’t think they’re actually dyslexic? I don’t think I’m dyslexic, but I relate a lot to what I’ve read teens and adults go through. My thing is that I don’t relate to the childhood part of it, I think that I’m the opposite of a lot of them actually. I also only just started actually researching dyslexic so idk how reliable my feelings and thoughts are to be clear."
autism,"What do we think about this organisation? https://www.autism.org.uk/

Are they good? Or bad like Autism Speaks"
autism,Wanted to share my success maybe you can find hope too!!! So no longer will I force myself to mask and do jobs that over stimulate me in an effort to pay rent and appease my parents. For years I have tried to do things like deal with a dusty loud warehouse job. My parents have written my sibling and I off (mainly bc we queer lol) so now since I don't have to appease them I am focusing on me. My sister said door dash is fine while I go to school and get my degree (she and I roomies. She has great programmer job and she not a money hungry jerk) I gonna get my social work degree and I pledge my stubbornness as an Aspie will be utilized in helping benefits enrollment for all differently abled friends of mine so that nobody will wander the streets in a stupor homeless for 10 years like me. I will find benefits for my clients and I will not accept bureaucratic bull crap to screw them over. Also I may not be a social worker now but if you live in US especially California (where I was homeless for 10 years in LA county) and you need help finding some financial assistance from government welfare programs feel free to message  me. I can't promise can find your salvation but I might know something and im happy to see if I can at least get you pointed in right direction!! It's least I can do after so many people made me sandwiches or security guards not calling cops because I was shoplifting a candy bar to keep from starving. Shalom (peace in Hebrew)
autism,"Movie tropes: Wait, that's real? You know how stuff happens in movies that isn't how it happens in real life?  Like lab results coming in too quickly in crime shows or physics being wrong in space, as classic examples.  Well, is there stuff you assumed was just Hollywood BS but it turns out is real and normal, you just didn't know it?   

For the longest time, I assumed it was an unrealistic movie trope that cops would pass around a photo and say ""be on the lookout for this man"" and then hours later, someone who had been shown the photograph would see that person out walking around, in a different context and a different outfit, maybe with bleached hair even, and recognize them by their face.  

Or cops who were trying to identify a dead 20-something Jane Doe would go to the parents' house unsure if it was their daughter, and one of them would see a photo of her as a child or a teen, and say ""that's our girl,"" like they could tell from looking at the photo that the live younger girl pictured there was the same person as the dead woman in the morgue.  

For real, I was well over 30 and had hundreds of BBC mystery shows under my belt before I realized that ""normal"" people really can do that and it wasn't just a convenient but unrealistic narrative ploy.

What's yours?"
autism,"Am I just handling this wrong or what? So I'm not super autistic. My biggest disadvantages I get from it are probably not getting sarcasm most of the time unless it's really exaggerated, having major difficulties talking to strangers and saying the truth/what I think without really knowing it could hurt someone's feelings to the point I shouldn't say it.
There's also other stuff of which I'm not sure if it's du to Autism or I just forgot it but that doesn't matter right now.

Anyway, my mom knows and believes I'm autistic just like my older brother, however, she gets annoyed at me for saying things I think would be helpful or would just fit the conversation which are usually meant to be light comments and jokes.
Example: recently my mom told us to look at the sun because it looked beautiful, so my sister and I instinctively looked into the actual sun, but she was talking about the sun rays shining through the clouds, so I just said to say ""sun rays"" if she means them.
Just after this I told my little sister to not answer my jokes seriously as that didn't make sense and made my joke super weird (idk how else to put it) and my mom told me that she was really ""allergic"" to me lately and I should stop telling people how to live. She also always tells me I'm rude and naughty when I make jokes or say something that's true. Why do people hate the truth so much? It's not even like it's big truths or whatever. I never tell my mom she looks old because she smokes or anything like that. I already stopped correcting people because it annoyed them. I don't want to stop talking at all because I take too long thinking about if what I want to say is offensive. I don't talk much in the first place and am too shy to talk over someone so I always say the least. I don't want it to be nothing but I don't want my mom to hate me either. I tell her I don't mean to hurt her yet she thinks I dislike her.

Sorry for the rant but I just don't know if anyone's in the wrong or right here."
autism,"An interesting title Hello all.  I'm new here, stopping in to say ""hi.""  A colleague recommended this community to me.  I'm digging the positivity and helpfulness I've been seeing in this community.  I'm self-diagnosed with ASD but hopefully closing in on a professional diagnosis.  I'm 42, was self-diagnosed at age 40.  Self-diagnosis was a great experience as it helped explain some of those strategies I've developed to get by (like prefacing sentences to get ahead of miscommunication) and quirky ways of coping with stress.  Looking forward to hearing your experiences."
autism,Question about stimming Do you stim more at certain times
autism,"Does anyone else have a hard time differentiating between playful teasing, bullying, and verbal abuse? (particularly and especially when it's directed towards you? just curious if that's something other autistic people struggle with)"
autism,"I think that I may be on the spectrum, but professionals keep getting hung up on my childhood and history with depression. This year I have started to research autism and I don’t know how to describe the feeling of catharsis (? I can’t think of a better word) that I get reading about so many traits and experiences that I thought were just me being socially awkward/anxious, difficult, picky, paranoid, childish, lazy, etc - all the things that people told me I was until the last few years. I’m 22 (f) now, and I think that I’m better at managing myself than I ever was as a teen or child. I don’t know if it’s okay to use the term masking since I have no diagnosis, but that’s what it feels like. I still struggle with a lot, but I’m good at pretending when I need to, or mirroring others to seem “normal.” 

Anyways, I have tentatively tried to approach this conversation with my therapist, but I feel like she always brings it back to my rough childhood and struggle with depression. This was the same thing I was met with when I worked up the courage to see a psychiatrist (who cut me off, didn’t really listen. ended up diagnosing me with depression and acute PTSD). I still struggle with depressive feelings, but it just doesn’t feel like only depression? It doesn’t feel like I’m just this way because of my past. Now that I understand autism better, I look back and I can think of so many times where it felt like something beyond depression. 

If anyone can relate I would love to hear from you. Any advice on how to assert myself and my feelings more would be appreciated, because I just have such a hard time bringing this stuff up. I want to try and be more direct with my therapist and try seeing a psychiatrist again, I’m just so worried that I’m reading too into my experiences."
autism,"Coming to terms with my diagnosis Hi guys

So I 25M have had a lot of mental health problems in my time since leaving school. I’ve had a lot of labels put on me. 

Today I got a formal diagnosis of Asperger’s and I don’t know how to take it. I feel a sort of sadness as I have not been able to have the kind of things others get so easily.

I haven’t had friends in years. I’ve always struggled with dating and have never had a girlfriend. I’ve struggled with keeping jobs and staying in courses. 

Really not sure how to feel."
autism,"Any references? Hi there! I work as a Busser for a restaurant in my local area and there was this family that came down to eat while I was working there and there son had autism. With that being said, it was an honor to have served them. On my free time, I’d like to get involved with autistic people as they truly are beautiful people. How can I help or get involved within my area? I’m 19 so I’m not well knowledgeable upon such things. Therefore, I apologize. Thank you in return."
autism,"Hey guys, quick question. As an High Functioning Autistic, I rock back and forth to the beat of the song I am listening to. What happens when you listen to music? Do you do the same or something similar?"
autism,"Virtual communities in games or similar? Hello, I am a design student researching neurodiversity and one of the things that stuck to me was virtual game communities for people with ASD or other disorders. I did manage to find 2 active communities so far:

""Virtual Ability"" island in Second Life   
""Autcraft"" server for Minecraft

Maybe you know more of these kind of places? Maybe in VRChat or different platforms? Maybe you know some Second Life islands of creators with ASD? It doesn't necessarily have to be about gaming, i.e. ""Virtual Ability"" hosts a lot of different topic events for talks, just in virtual world and I find it fascinating. 

I am eager to learn any kind of information, but maybe it would be helpful for some of this community members as well? 

Thank you!"
autism,"Autism and relationships There is a girl I really like, and I can't tell if she is into me. I want to ask her but there 2 problems, 
1. She has slight autism (and I don't) and 2. I have no self confidence. What do I do?"
autism,"Can you train a kid with ASD to like certain textures if you expose them to said texture a lot growing up? I'm asking out of just pure curiosity.

Like say you have a kid and they get diganosed with ASD at around 4-5 a little after symptoms usually start showing. They have certain textures that they just hate. Lets go with common ones like jeans, lotion, and velvet.

If you expose said kid to those texures a lot growing up could they eventually be a lot more tolerable of those textures as an adult, or would they come out as hating those textures more?

This is all hypothetical of course but it's just a question I've had on my mind for a while now. I also understand that texture likes and dislikes can change as people age (like for myself I hated jeans but now I don't mind them as much and can find them comfy) but overall is it possible? What do you all think?"
autism,"Every time I find a good group on the internet I mess up. This has happened 3 times now. The first time I was shamed for liking power rangers (talking about music) so I left. The second time was the fact I was trying to create a game whodunnit thing and I wanted peoples advice, only for people to pass snarky remarks. And just now on discord I was talking about criminal minds and got told it was annoying and such. I don't get jokes and when I try and tell a joke they're unfunny. I think I might just leave discord and twitch altogether. I'm just to fucking annoying."
autism,"Do you have a fear of needles? Hi, sorry if this is a weird thing to post here. I'm autistic, and have always had a massive issue with needles at the doctors. Shots, IVs, blood draws, etc. People in my life always complained that I make too big of a deal about it because it's ""just a little pinch"". It has never been ""just a little pinch"" for me, ever. I'm not going to go into detail describing how it feels to me in case it makes people uncomfortable. After being told my whole life that I was being too dramatic and that needles aren't that bad, my friends, who are also autistic, described experiencing needles in the exact same way I have! So now it has me wondering, is it a sensory thing related to my autism? Is this a known thing that I just haven't heard about? Is it just a coincidence that me and the other autistic people in my life had the same experiences?

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/xvbe8g)"
autism,"Do you “replay” scenes from movies and tv? This might be very particular as sitcoms are one of my special interests (currently: community) but i will memorize hundreds of jokes, monologues, and plotlines, then “play” them back in my head. Its nice for when im bored but i always do it in lectures and then end up not paying any attention at all. I also sometimes will make myself laugh thinking about a funny joke and have to try to explain to people that im just sitting here trying to watch my favorite show in my head."
autism,"Animal crossing (help with fruit) Sorry if this is not the place. Animal crossing is kind of my happy place and Helps me calm down. I am a big completionist so the one thing I really want is all the fruit Trees on my island. Do any of you also play acnh and have pears oranges or appels. 

I am way too scared to ask it on other subreddits relating to acnh and this is also kind of a safe place in my mind. Plus I have been ghosted by someone who promised me the fruits. 

I also wouldnt mind visiting other People's islands so if you would like that I am down :D!! 

Thank you very much bye bye"
autism,"Do You Absolutely Adore Looking At Stats? Can Reddit and Twitter stats can keep you entertained for hours?

(Discussion encouraged!)

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/v3krjr)"
autism,"Old Rose So I am walking along a bicycle path with my ex. From behind I hear a dude tell another on bike ""Pink pants! Pink pants!"", as if to warn the woman riding behind him.

We step aside a bit so they can pass.

As the dude passes, he notices my ex is a woman. She wears these very pink trousers. His woman friend is in front of him and has passed us too. He then yells ""gay, gay, gay, gay!"" But when he notices my ex is a woman,, he shouts forward: ""Oh it is a woman!""

In the meantime I am wearing for the first time my Old Rose colored jeans. So he must have thought we were two gay men walking there until he notices my ex is a woman and suddenly then it is okay. I must not be gay after all...

Old Rose isn't really pink, but it is a color unsuited for men. Men cannot wear certain colors or motifs. 

And this incident just shows how unusual it is to wear a color not specifically intended for men, like navy blue would be."
autism,"Is this ASD/ADHD or something else? Hi! So, often, when I'm answering questions or reading something, I like to articulate myself. For example, I have been starting to get on Reddit more often because I legit love this subreddit but anyway, often I can only answer a few things in depth (commenting or writing a few things in depth) before I just socially die. I get to a point where, even though I want to say so many more things and talk to so many more people, I also don't. I get to a point where I'm done with social media and just do anything else. I think it might be understimulation but that also doesn't make sense because even when I want to respond, I'm also dreading it and too tired to put in more depth. It's so confusing. And as I was saying before, it's the same with reading. I could be really into a book (currently The Face On The Milk Carton) and wanna read more but motivation and energy are deaadd. And just now, I wanted to do a voice call with a friend, I did it for maybe 50 minutes before they left, but I have these bouts of ""I don't want to do this/be here anymore. Leave me alone. Say you want me to leave."" etc. God. Normally I'd write more but I'm in that kinda state. Anywho, bye."
autism,"I realized I’m autistic and it’s so freeing Hi there. I wrote a post a little bit ago where I asked about writing an autistic character. During this time, I was trying to figure out if I was autistic myself, but that wasn’t part of that post.

Most of my new college friends are autistic and have helped me realize that I am as well. I don’t have a medical diagnosis, but I know why I am who I am now. It is so freeing and I am so happy. I just wanted to share."
autism,"Just diagnosed and looking for employment tips/resources 27/female
I was recently diagnosed and first of all, I feel like I’ve finally found a home. All my life I’ve felt like this weird, awkward alien, and though I have worked hard to “pass” in hopes of connecting with others and getting by, I’ve never been very successful. I struggled through college for several years and made few friends, and since then I’ve been employed by a variety of social work agencies—something I’m very interested in—but I always end up leaving after a short period of time because I can’t cope, for various reasons. The acting I have to do and scripts I have to abide by to blend in with my co-workers takes a huge emotional toll on me, plus I need allowances other people don’t—like working one-on-one or working certain hours or avoiding social functions and unexpected, new situations. Most employers don’t appreciate those requests and seem to come to view my employment as just as much of a burden as an asset. Does anyone have tips for acclimating, getting services at work, finding jobs with understanding bosses or in fields that seem to be more understanding, and the like? What about disclosing to employers or potential employers my autism? Are there agencies that help people with autism find jobs that suit our differences? I currently live in Arizona; if there are places specifically in my area that could be of service, I’d love to find out about them. Thank you!"
autism,"Majorly stressed due to change? I’m having a hard time knowing if I’m stressed because of anxiety or if this is an autistic trait, or maybe both?

My boyfriend recently went to go stay at a relatives house for a while and the last few months we call every single night and talk otp till we go to sleep, it’s our routine every single night. 

But since he’s been staying at a relatives house we can’t talk otp every night anymore. And I can’t describe the amount of stress it’s causing me. I mean I haven’t really said anything about it because I know he already feels bad that we can’t talk otp much anymore but I just cry every single night and panic and have meltdowns from the stress. It’s really been upsetting me. I already get frequent nightmares about every single night but the stress is making them worse so I’m having trouble sleeping too. Sorry if this got vent-y, I was just wondering if anyone can relate or spare some advice."
autism,"Vaccine skeptics actually think differently than other people [https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200410162410.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200410162410.htm)

 *Summary:*As vaccine skepticism has become increasingly widespread, researchers have suggested a possible explanation. In a new article reserarchers suggest some people find vaccines risky because they overestimate the likelihood of negative events, particularly those that are rare."
autism,Autism and pain Hello I was wondering if self inflicting pain is common with autism. See I have this tiny desire to conflict pain on my self  that I should and probably will bring up to my therapist. I know it is not related to my depression cause I don't do it when deppresed but I think it has something to do with control over myself and from what I heard that probably would be related to my autism. So do you guys have the same or similar problem.
autism,"I don’t like to tell people I’m autistic am I valid? I feel like people will either not like me anymore and not want to be friends with me or I feel like they will only want to hangout with me and be my friends out of pity because “autistic people are lonely and don’t have friends”. 

But I feel like if I should tell people cuz if I don’t I’m being shameful."
autism,"SFW Discord/Gaming communities for young adults on the spectrum? Hi guys! Not sure if this is the right place to ask, but figured I'd give it a shot.

Recently my younger bro has been getting into the chatting app Discord for finding people to party up with in online gaming. I use Discord myself, so I'm familiar with the types of trolls that can be on it...

When I first found this out, I asked my brother if he's been getting any suspicious interactions, and he showed me people that were basically straight-up harrassing him without him realizing it (won't get into detail, but primarily sending him extremely explicit sexual harrassment & phishing links). That freaked me out quite a bit. I do my best to give him his privacy since he's an adult, but it's hard to gauge when I should get involved when people are using his naivety against him in situations like this. 

He's very extroverted, and I don't want to end up completely cutting him off from making online friends, so... does anyone know of any reliably autism-friendly & well-moderated gaming servers he could join? That way he can have his privacy & still socialize online safely, since I won't have to ask constantly if it's ok to check if anyone's sent him anything suspicious. 

He likes voice calls and plays ""Super Animal Royale"" I believe, as well as some other stuff like Bloons TD, League of Legends, Just Dance, and Rock Band if that helps. On XBOX & PC primarily, but has a Switch too."
autism,"Help dealing with meltdowns My younger brother (18 years old) has autism, he's (sort of, for lack of a better term) verbal, as in he can speak and will do but he can't hold conversations 
I've never figured out what's the best course of action during a meltdown, keeping in mind that they can sometimes get violent, what should I do in order to prevent/help him get past the meltdowns?"
autism,Seeking insight into the experiences of ND people at work Im writing an article about being ND and how workplaces can be more accommodating outside of legal requirements.  What helps you be successful at work? Im specifically looking for things your workplace can do for you and things you do for yourself that help you be successful and comfortable. Or things you wish you could do/work could do for you. Thank you for any insight you can give me.
autism,"I’m not doing well. I’m not suicidal so let’s establish that first and foremost. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m shadow banned from this sub but I just need to get things off my chest even if into the ether.

I’m hung of Maslows hierarchy of needs. All my lower needs are met and I’m stuck on the sexual intimacy and belonging socially.

I did all the things I was told to do. I lost 100lbs, I started going to the gym, I’ve tried being myself, I’ve tried not being myself, I’ve tried to put myself out there, force myself to talk to people. Nothing seems to work and I go through these depressive episodes and I’m in a real bad one now. My reddit posts are generally negative because well… when I’m in a good place I’m usually not on reddit lmao. Reddit is my purge. But anyway I just I’m… no matter what I do I keep failing. I went to my highschool reunion and couldn’t flirt. I went on a road trip and tried to talk to girls in Nashville at bars and failed miserably. I got the numbers of my guy friends from highschool and none of them want to hang out. I can’t find a New Year’s party to go to. Can’t socialize or meet women if I’m not outside. But every time I do I fail. And failing gets so old. Just writing this all out feels better.

TLDR: I’m not bipolar but I just go through these cycles. I get sick of throwing a pity party and I try to socialize more. I fail miserably and I become depressed and through a pity party again."
autism,"A Rant about people assuming and telling me i'm not autistic. A Bit scared to post this. First of, Hello i'm new here!

now then....

I Am so hecking tired of people assuming that me trying to INFORM people about my autism and that i may not be good at explaining/wording thing is apparentley me useing my autism as an excuse or as a way to get rid of things.

AND I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GO ""Actually autism doesn't do that"" IT'S SO ANNOYING LIKE CAN PEOPLE STOP TRYING TO CORRECT A DISABILITY I HAVE, IT'S A SPECTRUM A HECKING SPECTRUM. (Yes i do actually have autism i was diagnosed at age 7 wich was lucky)

AND PEOPLE ASSUMING I DON'T HAVE AUTISM CUZ I'M ON THE INTERNET OR I DON'T ACT HOW PEOPLE ASSUME EVERY AUTISTIC PERSON ACT'S, EVEN MY SEN TEACHER SAID THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AND KICKED ME OUT THE ""SAFE SPACE"" PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE MEANT TO GO AT, AT BREAKTIME AND LUNCH!

IT'S SO ANNOYING!

I Have read the rule's but if this post's accidentley breaks one/some and or needs to make taken down please KINDLY inform me and i will take it down!!!!"
autism,"Is it normal/customary for an autism screening person to demand a parent present even if you're an adult? I feel... infantilized, that they want a parent present to ""verify"" my developmental symptoms... Just ask me, I fucking remember? I'm an adult, I can handle it, I don't need my mom behind me... Besides, my relationship with my parents is terrible and I can't provide a parent presence anyway. Will this affect my diagnostic procedure or screening....?"
autism,"What is a good way to explain to my 7 year old that he has to go to school? So, my kiddo is at the stage where he questions everything. That’s fine and I do my best to answer every time but when he just doesn’t seem to understand, I end up saying, ‘because that’s just how things are.’ 

Yesterday’s concern was ‘I don’t want to go to school.’ I understand that. Hell, I didn’t want to go to school. We know it can be hard on him but me and my husband both need to work to eat and keep a roof over our heads. He does go to a day service for kids afterwards as there are school days where he finishes just after noon. So he’s doing long hours like us. Because I know it’s a lot, we are extremely lenient when he’s home. He can watch tv/play games whenever he wants to. Though we do try to get him to do other things, he just enjoys sitting in front of the tv. I mean, so do I. Haha. 

Anyhow. Back on topic. So last week we had him come home directly from school as my husband was off. We thought it’d be good for him! I don’t know if this was the cause but yesterday he was not liking the idea of going to school. This happened before and it’s usually when he gets days off from school or day service. My husband and I wondered if this was because of a change of routine? But the idea of him not having the occasional day off of day service or school doesn’t sit well with us. So I really want my kiddo to try and understand. 

Now I’ve tried every explanation and his answer is still ‘why?’ So I’ve asked him why he doesn’t want to go. He says he doesn’t want study. That’s fine, I replied, you can ask the teacher to do something else. He goes to a special needs school so he does get to do things at his own pace. Next it’s because it’s too long. So I told him, mommy and daddy has to work long hours. But sometimes we can come home early so you can come home early too (like last week) 

I’ve tried to encourage that school is fun and that everyone goes to school (he sometimes thinks he’s the only one??) but it’s still a ‘why do I have to?’ response. 

How do I word it better? It kinda breaks my heart when he says ‘do I have to go forever?’ To which I reply ‘No, but you’re going to have to go for awhile.’ And he just cries like it’s the worst thing in the world. 

I should note that he generally has a good time when he actually goes. There are no mentions of abuse or bullying. This only really happens when he has time off from school or day service.

I just want to explain it better to him if I can."
autism,"I think I'm autistic, and I need help  I was watching Extraordinary Attorney Woo. as an self diagnosed autistic person, I'm in love with  the show. I was impressed how everything Woo feels really close to my own feelings, as in fact, I find her actions, mind, everything so much relatable. That made me think like ""wait, so am I autistic?"" of course just watching/seeing some autistic characters and relating them does not mean you're autistic, but this happens to me EVERY TIME. I even obsessed over L from death note, It's been three years, I had to know everything about him. Spend my every second thinking about him, watching him, buying his merch, etc. Just like Woo's obsession over whales. I get overwhelmed easily when it's crowded, bright, too loud or something like that. And also, yesterday, there was an party at my school, everyone was dancing and vibing with the music. I wanted to join too, but instead of dancing, I stared at them. My teacher said ""Come on, dance!"" and I wanted to say something, smile, at least. But I couldn't. My face freezed, I was so stressed. I couldn't breathe. Everything was so loud, bright, so crowded! I ended up sitting in the floor, covering my ears, closing my eyes and wish everything to end. Finally one of my friends and teacher saw me, they took me outside so I could finally breathe.  My friend and teacher said some things to me, but I couldn't hear. I was about to cry, I couldn't respond, I was literally freezed. 

It could be a good party memory, but it became a nightmare.

Why everything has to be so hard? Why can't I just be ""normal"" and enjoy life like everyone else?"
autism,"Can anyone relate? I’m one of many who received a late diagnosis that helped piece my experiences together, but the one thing that I feel especially singled out on is my experience with imagination.

I have a vivid memory of being about 3 years older playing with a doll house and before this moment I was entirely capable of imaginative play, but then I just forgot how. 

Am I alone on this?"
autism,"Survey for inputs to improve Conversational User Interface for better accessibility Hello everyone,

We are students from Indiana University Bloomington, pursuing HCI.

We are currently conducting research on improving the current state of conversational user interfaces like Siri, Amazon Echo, Google Assistant, and chatbots.

Our goal is to devise new design principles to make the technology inclusive for everyone.

We would love your thoughts and insights on how we can make the technology more accessible.

Here is a link short survey that would take 5 minutes to complete:

[https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeEL5zSQW5LcVjqPfoDpietF2dC7\_AWLMeWCDXEu1-kmoUJDA/viewform](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeEL5zSQW5LcVjqPfoDpietF2dC7_AWLMeWCDXEu1-kmoUJDA/viewform)

Your feedback is appreciated.

Thank you very much!"
autism,"do you get ""lame"" nightmares? Do anyone else get ""lame"" nightmares? By lame I mean not that scary when you think of it. (I wanna get chased by a dinosaur or something scary) 
 
An example and my most recent one , my driver's license was missing and another ID from my wallet. And I only found out when I got to the counter when they asked for it. Then I started to panic, the rest of the dream is a bit foggy."
autism,"Research Volunteers Wanted for A Gamified App Study (iPhone users are welcome!) Hello Everyone, 
I am a public health & autism researcher at Indiana University Bloomington who is seeking research volunteers for a study examining the efficacy of gamified physical activity-promoting mobile apps on increasing physical activity and reducing anxiety among adults with autism spectrum diagnoses (ASD) (IRB approved 1807483245).

*	You may be eligible to participate if you 
(1) have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder by a medical professional,
(2) have been diagnosed with a co-occurring anxiety disorder or self-identified as having anxiety symptoms,
(3) are aged between 18 and 60 years,
(4) have regular access to a smartphone (Android phones & iPhones 6 or above/newer models),
(5) are able to ambulate without an assistive device (ex: wheelchair, crutches, etc.), and
(6) are living in the United States and have no move out plan for the next 3 months.

*	If you participate in this study, you will be asked to 
(1) wear a motion sensor to measure physical activity for 7 days over 3 different data collection periods; in total 15~21 days (study materials will be mailed to your home), 
(2) complete anxiety and physical activity surveys.
(3) install and utilize a physical activity-promoting mobile app and a smartphone usage analysis app, and
(4) return the study materials to the research team by the end of the study participation.

*	You will receive a gift card valued at $100 after completing a 2-month study participation.

If you are interested in participating or have any questions, please pm me or contact:
Indiana University Adapted Physical Activity Research Team at: iuapa2018@gmail.com
Or lee2055@indiana.edu (Project manager, DH Lee)
 "
autism,"Being ""Conventially Attractive"" and being attracted to others So, I've seen the term ""conventionally attractive"" a couple times here, and when referring to myself often talk like this. 

Do those of you who are considered conventionally attractive find yourselves attractive ? Are you attracted to your cultural norm of conventionally attractive ? 

Personally I'm often not 

Is this common ?

 Do you think people on the spectrum look beyond physical appearance more naturally than NTs , or is their something fundamentally different in the way people on the spectrum see others ?"
autism,"LEDs can be so harsh -- but they can also be nice and pretty and collectible... I like to collect them, even though these are pretty generic :) I have 100s of them for no apparent reason, but they make me smile every time. 

It is a contrast with those evil LEDs we know from flickering bulbs and eye-scorching street/car lights...

[Shiny LEDs are happy LEDs](https://preview.redd.it/lghaylgus8571.jpg?width=3120&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ed0efab311ab2ae702ea462a0eb24e4a5f28f16a)"
autism,"What are your experiences with late diagnoses? I’m a 26 year old female, and after stumbling on stories of women learning about their diagnosis later in life, things really clicked and I’m beginning to strongly believe I might be on the spectrum. I’m looking into getting a “formal” diagnosis eventually once the whole covid situation calms down, but I was wondering what your experiences have been with getting a late diagnosis? How have your families, friends and significant others handled it? That part is stressing me out a lot, and so far I’ve been keeping this all to myself.

Thanks!"
autism,"CW/Support: Disability Day of Mourning Vigil I wanted to go to one of the vigils ASAN put together but the closest was an 8 hours drive from me. I know there is probably some virtual events, but I don't know anybody and I feel more comfortable here. I want to remember people, so if anybody felt like sharing loved ones, friends, people they lost, people we lost, I am here to do that with you I would love to remember.

I know for me it was a close thing, but I do not want to talk about me, I want remembrance for the people who are gone. I want to draw attention to the people our community has lost because of violence or neglect, especially victims of filicide, or those murdered by their caregivers and law enforcement."
autism,"What is r/autism 's oppinion on cristmas? Personaly find it a bit too much but whant to se what the comunity thinks.

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/zrhy6d)"
autism,"How do I help my autistic friend? I'm desperate Hi sorry if it's not ok for a neurotypical to post here. I really need help with how to support my autistic best friend, K. Sorry if long. He also has ADHD, OCD, and depression. He is dealing with a powerful fixation on this girl, T. Were all late twenties. K has a girlfriend but is kind of in love with T. He claims it's just platonic but acknowledges he's attracted to her but it's so much more than that. They were friends before for a year and then got in a fight and didn't talk for 10 months. During that 10 months he was so depressed. He tanked his classes he stopped going to the gym, barely went outside. He talked about it nonstop. We'd be on the phone for 4-6 hours and when I'd try and end the call he'd get so depressed and say he's sorry for talking about it. I got the feeling he genuinely couldn't stop. It was so draining for me because it was constant but I was so worried about him I felt like I couldn't say no.

T is back. I have no idea why but she reached out to him on insta and they're friends again. She is really toxic always has been. They fight constantly, she gaslights him, yells at him for his symptoms, she screams at him till her eyes are popping out and she criticizes him for every little thing. I can not at all understand why he would want this person in his life but he says she's like his heroin and even he doesn't understand it. He says he fixates on her like a puzzle, trying to figure out what to say that will get a positive response. I've told him there is no way to get a positive response, she will never change, she will always hurt him. He says he cannot stop the relationship. I can't go through him being depressed and the hours long phone calls and worrying he's suicidal again. He's in therapy but tbh I think his therapist is useless. He's been going to her for a decade and I think she's asleep at the wheel. 

I know exposure therapy is the best way to overcome OCD fixation, but K says that doesn't work for autism fixation he says it makes it worse and there is no cure. Surely there has to be something. Not a 'cure' but a coping mechanism, *something*. How can I make him break this fixation please. Have any of you experienced a fixation like this? Have you been able to break it? What can help?? Anything? Please I haven't been able to find anything online. I love him and want him to be ok and he's ruining himself by staying in this toxic ass relationship"
autism,"Parenting advice for autistic teenager Hello everyone.  This is my (37F) first post.  My son (14M) was diagnosed with ASD at age 8.  His main struggles are with socio-emotional relationships.  (Years ago, before the DSM was updated, he likely would have been diagnosed with Aspergers but I don’t use the term). He is in his freshman year of high school now, and despite working long term with a psychologist, we are really struggling to adjust.  We text while he is on break at school so I can check in with him and he can ask me about anything that might be on his mind.  He is also in marching band for the first time.  He struggles with knowing when to ask for help and told me “I don’t want people to think I’m using my disability as an excuse for not knowing how to do something.” I don’t recall ever having used the term disability with him and I’ll be honest, it kind of threw me.  I do my best to not dwell on it and focus on the issue at hand. I tend to feel as though him sharing pertinent information about his ASD might benefit not only him, but his band mates. He disagrees.  I want him to feel like he can advocate for himself and his needs, but he also has debilitating anxiety (which we are also treating).  

I know that was a wall of text and I apologize.  I guess I’m looking for advice I can share with him when it comes to asking his peers for support.  I just really want him to be able to thrive. Thank you."
autism,"Evaluation and diagnosis feels off. seeking advice Hello, I apologize if this is bothersome but I am desperately in need of advice. I can't bring this up with my mom again without her getting angry with me and an argument starting. 

I am a 15 year old female from the United States 
   
 I've suspected that I was autistic since I started doing research last year. My mom has suspected I was autistic since I was a child. 

    Yesterday I had an evaluation with a psychologist. We did a lot of activities. I had to look at a picture book and explain what was happening. I didn't know what was going on or how to describe it so I tried to guess to the best of my ability. He even remarked that I looked ""stressed the hell out"" 

He asked me some questions about my routine and things that I enjoy doing. He also asked me about my fears and emotions.  We mostly did some activities with numbers and words. (Basically reciting numbers in order, backwards, saying the definitions of words, connecting how two words are alike, etc) 

I also took a test on the computer that asked me a bunch of questions about my emotions and behavior. My mom filled out a form about how I adapt to certain situations and my behavior. 

The test took about an hour and a half. I'm not sure if that is considered short or long. 

I feel like the test mostly focused on the social and communication aspect of things. It didn't focus much on the other aspects such as sensory sensitivities or stimming. Looking back, I should have asked why those weren't mentioned but I don't think about those things under pressure. 

Today the report was finalized and I'm very confused about the contents. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and general anxiety disorder. I know those are common misdiagnosis for autistic people. 

The report said that I do not have cognitive functions consistent with an autistic child. 

It mentioned that I have trouble focusing a lot. They even included resources for children with ADHD? 

He also noted that I had eye contact and appropriate facial expressions. And that I was cooperative and able to communicate. 

In situations that are controlled, I tend to tense up and appear as emotionless as possible. When someone speaks to me I respond but I don't initiate conversations. I'm able to answer questions clearly if I understand them.  I will try to make intense eye contact because I have been told that I'm rude. I do these things because I fear getting in trouble, especially around adults. That is probably why he observed me that way. 

It also said that I didn't use stereotypical words or have stereotypical interests? I'm not sure what that meant. 

The main thing I'm asking about is what should I do now? 

Should I just accept it? 

Should I try to get a second opinion? I feel like this could be a waste of time. 

Should I just wait until I'm 18? I'm just worried that it will get harder as I get older. 

My mom thinks that I'm just mad I didn't get the result I wanted. She doesn't understand why I want to get diagnosed. She thinks I want special treatment or something. 

 I made a list of reasons why I believe I am autistic and she said she believes me but she gets mad when I say that the diagnosis feels off. 

It's not like getting diagnosed is going to make me autistic all of the sudden. I just want to feel seen and have closure and stop feeling uncertain about it all the time. 

I'm sorry for the long winded post. I tried to divide it into multiple sections to make it easier to read. 

Thank you for your time."
autism,"when I get upset and am crying, I can’t verbalize anything. It is so hard and I hate it. (Long post) so a few nights ago, my boyfriend (20M) and I (19F) were talking about me wanting to go back to college next semester for a B.S. in Psychology and then leading up to an M.S. in Clinical Psychology. I had wrote down an entire plan on how I thought it would work, which of my credits from my Associates degree would transfer to the bachelors degree, how much the time spent completing my bachelors would decrease since I would have so many credits that would transfer, and how long overall it would take to complete the bachelors and masters program. I estimated it would take around 4.5 years. Going to college again and becoming a psychologist is my dream and I would be incredibly happy if I could ever fulfill it sometime during my life. My special interest is abnormal psychology, and I am serious when I say it is all I ever want.

My boyfriend, who I’ve been with for 3 years and 3 months, who is also autistic, really snapped me back into reality and I wasn’t ready to hear it. He goes to the same college I have been wanting to go to for this Bachelor’s program, and he’s starting on his 3rd year in his B.S. in Mechanical Engineering. I’m pretty sure he is set on getting his Masters as well. I thought we would both be able to graduate at the same time, since masters programs typically take 2 years to complete. It turns out his is only going to take a year since the M.S. in Engineering is only 30ish credits long, and mine would take more around 2 because the M.S. in Psychology is 48 credits long. I didn’t know the programs went by how many credits they included. Anyway, it basically wouldn’t work for me to go back to school immediately upon graduation with my Associates degree and graduate at the same time as my boyfriend. The reason why it’s important for us to graduate at the same time, or close to it, is because he would need to get a job upon immediately graduating and the place where we will be living for the next few years has no mechanical engineering opportunities, so we would have to move soon after he graduates and gets a job elsewhere. If I was to go back to school next semester, I’d be holding him back a year and it wouldn’t work. My SAT/ACT scores also aren’t good enough for any scholarships or grants because I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism while I was in high school, so I had no accommodations or anything. That was another thing that made me really upset, and I felt like a failure for not doing better. I always ran out of time on every section and cried during every test because running out of time was so stressful. My parents also made “too much money” in 2020 for me to receive any federal student aid besides another shitty loan, even though my dad lost his job in 2021 and had to receive unemployment benefits until getting confirmation whether or not he would receive occupational disability. 

When he told me all of this, I just started crying. I was so upset and I felt hopeless in finding happiness through my dream occupation. I could not stop crying because I have such strong and overwhelming emotions that it makes it nearly impossible to control. It got so overwhelming actually that I’m pretty sure I was having a meltdown looking back on it. I was barely talking to him, not because I was mad at him, but because I just could not get any words out. I was thinking of so many things to say but every time I would get ready to say them, I would start crying again. After an hour of just laying my head on his chest and him listening to me sniffle and cry occasionally, I could finally say “I have so much on my mind that I want to say but I can’t verbalize it so I need to write them down”. Even then while saying that, it felt so hard and I started to get super upset and overwhelmed again near the end of saying it. So he handed me a pen and I wrote everything. 

It made me feel so much better being able to say what I was thinking without saying it. I just hate not being able to say anything when I get upset like that. It’s embarrassing, frustrating, and I wish I could just hold it in but I can’t. It is actually impossible. Do any of you guys get like this too?"
autism,"Need help/is this normal? This is both vent and help but this is more of a vent...should be ok.
I keep having fights with my mom about the most dumb stuff, today (as of time writing this) we both agreed on me heading to bed at 9:30 or 9...I don't care at this point which it is but she gives me a 5 heads up. Which k that's fine but I don't like the reminder knowing I have set in my mind. When it gets to the 4 minute time she bursts into the room and bs me about being late. Either I got the time wrong or way to early. I explain to her this but she pushes me off the chair and boom argument and all that. All bits of it was, ""you didn't do this so I do this"" like because I didn't do something simple like put a towel down for my dog she feeds the dog instead of me taking away my chance to work on my bad habits. Another that's going to stick with me which I believe this is an** and I should get help maybe get some help with is, I got a threat of her saying ""if you don't do this I'll mess you up or im calling the police"". Mind you, I'm 21 and I feel like they are treating my younger than what I am. This doesn't feel normal.
 Only thing I'm thinking is learn to dive call the driving class tomorrow then work my way to a car and move out fast as I can without saying anything. How can I do that with guardianship? How do I take my parents off my banking accounts with them knowing? I don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I don't know what I can do, I feel trapped, no where to go."
autism,"Newly diagnosed, but situationally I don’t know how to continue from here, looking for advice Hello everyone, I’ve recently been told by my therapist that he’s known that I’ve been on the spectrum for a while, confirming plenty of theories and conversations about the subject I’ve had with my girlfriend and a few very close friends, most of whom are also on the spectrum. I’m extremely happy I’ve been told this and had these suspicions confirmed, it explains a lot about the last 19 years of my life, but I feel a subtle frustration from the development. This is because along with telling me he’s known that I’m on the spectrum, my therapist also told me that the only reason that I just found out is that my mom didn’t want him to tell me when I was 16-17 and he originally put the idea out there, because I “wasn’t in a good place to hear it” in her mind. While I understand this to a degree, it’s also extremely frustrating because I feel like hearing that from a professional would have explained so much and helped me figure myself out so much faster. Now, I’m going into my junior year of university next year, and don’t know how to talk to my friends about the situation, and can’t work out my frustrations with my mom because she’s currently out of town and unable to be contacted until 4 days before I head back to finish off the summer, so I feel extremely stranded with this new information. Does anyone else on this subreddit have a similar experience or have advice on how I can best help myself along this new chapter of life?"
autism,"Earbuds recommendation? Hi friends :) 

I’m looking for a good pair of headphones or earbuds that will help me prevent sensory overload. I’d also like to have something with a nice bass/overall sound playback when playing music. I prefer earbuds so I can be discreet, but if the headphones are a great deal I can work with that. Let me know what you guys use and how you like them!"
autism,"Does it bother or upset you when people who don’t have autism do not refer to people with autism using “person-first” language? Meaning, does it bother you if someone says, “the child is autistic” / “the autistic child” rather than “the child with autism” / “the child has autism” ?

EDIT; thank you everyone for your input. I’m in college right now to be a teacher, then I want to get my Masters to be a Speech Pathologist, and many of them work with kids with autism (my younger brother for example), and many professionals in education and speech pathology focus on promoting person-first language, but they never provide feedback and opinions from actual individuals who may be impacted by using or not using it."
autism,"Stim no longer effective One of my stims, where I repeatedly touch my thumb to my three middle fingers in quick succession is no longer helpful to calm my mind. I don't know why or how, but something changed in the last few days and now stimming doesn't help me stay calm and I've developed new neuroses. I'm like half venting, half asking if anyone has ant advice I guess."
autism,Struggling to find a reason why. I try to keep away from news sources and to be honest a lot of outside world stuff. I find my black and white mindset really isn't helping. I'm struggling to find a reason why we carry on killing the world and letting people get away with the things they do. I want to just get off this ride.
autism,"Anybody here bad at their special interest? Like for example your special interest is call of duty but you have a negative k/d every match and nothing you do actually helps you get better 

Or is a special interest inherently something you have to be good at, either because you understand that thing so well you can manipulate the outcome at will or you become obsessed with the thing because you were good at it to begin with. 

Just a thought I had and wanted to hear others’ experiences."
autism,"October issue of the Daydreamer Hi everyone, I post the Daydreamer newsletter announcements to this group because it seems that many people on the Autism Spectrum struggle with Maladaptive Daydreaming.  (the creation of fantasy worlds that people know aren't real but feel like they are addicted to and have difficulty controlling.)  This month's issue has an article on using mindfulness and meditation to control MD and on the differences between maladaptive and immersive Daydreaming.  If interested you can sign up here [https://maladaptivedaydreamers.com/resources/](https://maladaptivedaydreamers.com/resources/)  Please spread the word as we are trying to raise awareness of MD and if you have any story ideas please let us know.   I am hoping to soon to an article on living with both MD and ASD and I am still looking for people to interview for that.  Please reach out if interested in being interviewed. 

https://preview.redd.it/5874wgmzgbr71.png?width=2240&format=png&auto=webp&s=bc900b9b2c861ba23e685eb406c5ebdfcb9c532f"
autism,"I May Have a Date! Hey everyone :) I’ve been out of the dating game for three years now and was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism a month or two ago. I get overwhelmed in crowds and restaurants pretty easily sensory wise and can shut down in busy areas trying to mask. I’m sure everyone here can relate.

My question: what are sensory and autism friendly date ideas I can propose to this fella? He has has asked me out a few times now and I think I’m ready to jump into the dating pool again. Any suggestions are welcome in the general subject of dating with autism/ADHD. Thanks everyone!"
autism,"My crush is autistic - and is giving me mixed signals. How to approach it ? Hello everyone, first time poster here!
I (F) have a major crush on this girl since about a year. She is my classmate and I would say we are friends, although not super close. Sometimes we will talk a lot, it’s great I feel like there is some kind of tension, small signs, etc. And other times she almost completely ignores me. 
She is very confidant, independent, and social although quite secretive. I just learnt recently that she is autistic. I don’t know if I am only interpreting her moments of interests as flirtatious and maybe for her it’s not like that at all. I would like to make a move to know for sure but I don’t want it to be weird. How should I approach it? 
I feel quite lost about it all (don’t get crushes often) and would appreciate any help or advice! 🧚‍♀️"
autism,Has anyone ever thought about starting up an app based around dating for people with autism? I just think this would be a wonderful idea.
autism,"Today my mom broke down and told me it was impossible to love me. I’m visiting for a couple days now that I’ve finished my midterms. My mom asked me to blow out the candles in the kitchen at 11, and I forgot to. She was upset, understandably so, moreover at the fact I couldn’t look her in the eyes or sound “genuine” in my apology. Her topic of conversation had gone from the candles to me “living in my own world” and how disconnected I am from people. 

(But I have a strong relationship with my friends, lover, and family, who all accept that the way I express my love is not conventional. Its just her I have a hard time being close to because she doesn’t acknowledge that, she treats me like I can turn it off and gets upset that I can’t. But that is a post for another day.)

She broke down into tears and said it was impossible to love me. That she was “trying so fucking hard” but nothing ever works. She kept asking if I hated her, I kept reassuring her I didn’t. 

It makes me feel so awful because I do love her, she’s my mother and she’s going through a hard time, but she can be so mean, and I can be so *me,* and it just doesn’t work. She says she isn’t judging me, but then she turns around and says that I’m ungrateful, I’m detached, irresponsible, self-centered.

I feel so worthless again, and maybe I deserve to be. I thought that I was getting better, I have good relationships and better habits, my grades have improved and I’ve gotten the hang of managing my own apartment.

But it’s moments like these that remind me that I am fundamentally alone and genuinely *disabled* and my capacity to love has been ruined since I was born.

I like my life but I hate myself. I don’t deserve nice things."
autism,"Is it normal to not feel anger? I don't think I've ever been angry in my life. If someone does something that should normally make me angry, I just cry instead. Does anyone else get this?"
autism,"Anybody else not really bothered by loud sounds? I’ve never really been bothered by loud noises unless it’s an alarm, wind, or vehicles but other then that I can stand any other loud sound without it bothering me to much."
autism,"Not sure how to feel after getting test results Diagnosed ADHD since I was a kid. I’m now 21F and in college and struggling a lot. Finally got tested for autism and got my results. She said she doesn’t think I’m autistic but I definitely have ADHD and I also probs have sensory processing disorder (but she can’t diagnose it bc she’s a psychologist). She said there isn’t enough in my history with the social aspect to include an autism diagnosis. I was shocked. So basically what she said was that I’m not autistic bc I can understand social situations and it’s just social anxiety and the sensory processing disorder that is causing the social issues. Has anyone else had experience like this? I trust her but I also didn’t say everything in the main appointment bc I was overwhelmed. She said my parents indicated I was normal but I also don’t tell them a lot of this stuff. Idk if I’m overreacting, or if I should just move on or what. She said I should to go occupational therapy but that’s another long waitlist and I’m not doing well in school. I waited sooo long for this evaluation and now basically I have to start over. Idek what to feel. Idk what’s going on or what to do now. I never imagined that I wouldn’t be autistic. I still think I might be and she said I can call if I have questions. Should I call and tell her some of the other things in my past with social issues? Or is that just like not a good idea? She also said that it doesn’t make sense for me to be autistic since I’m an RA and have to deal with people. I told her that I mostly am doing it for financial reasons and I get my own dorm room. I told her too that my hall is the quietest on campus so I don’t really have to do much, and I requested that on purpose. I still like helping people when I can, but does that make me not autistic?? I’m just so confused and lost and scared and idk what to do anymore."
autism,"Kinda bummed out and want to vent... There's another post where this girl (who sounds likely to be on the autistic spectrum) is being told she was being ""disrespectful"" and a ""brat"" for having a meltdown.  I remember when I was younger and used to have meltdowns regularly.  It sucked.  Things have gotten a lot better for me and it sounds like this girl is in the process of getting help, so I'm grateful for that, but...why can't people have a bit of sympathy for someone who's clearly going through something awful?  I understand that being around someone having a meltdown must be difficult, and I don't want to diminish the struggles of people who deal with that in loved ones...but you can still feel something for the person who's very likely suffering more than anyone else in the situation.  Like, if you're going to give concrete advice with actual medical knowledge to help someone get to a better place in their life where they can do a better job of avoiding and dealing with meltdowns, great.  But I think berating and judging someone because you're fortunate enough never to have experienced the struggles they're trying to overcome is really poor.  I dunno.  Anyone here agree with me?"
autism,Considering moving to California My son is autistic and he requires pretty much 24/7 supervision because he can hurt himself or get into things that are dangerous. The state we live in doesn’t offer a lot of help for autistic people or caregivers so we have considered moving to California.  We could transfer to somewhere near concord or El Monte for my husbands work.  I’m wondering if services are good in these areas?  He does have a good preschool teacher as well as OT&SLp he likes right now but we are struggling financially with me not being able to work.  The cost of living has gone up a ton here as well so I feel like we should move somewhere that will have better options for us.  How difficult is it to get approved for IHHS and protective supervision?
autism,"Opinions on adult living “send them to a farm”? I’m curious to know peoples opinions on choices for adults who are ASD. A discussion I had with some folks about Special Olympics getting funding cut, one comment that came up was “if they had their way, their solution is to just send them to a farm”. Presumably I took that to mean the solution people have is to send ASD people “away” to live/work on a farm so society wouldn’t have to deal with it. "
autism,"How do I become more mature? Hello, I am an 15 year old autistic teen and I want to know how I can he more mature. An relationship I was in ended because my ex (NT) old me I was too immature for him and many other things I needed to fix. It was mostly my fault because I wasn't communicating my needs nor things I have felt. I tried at times but it all came unsuccessful. I want to take the reasons he told me was things bad I did so I can show him I deeply apologize for my actions. I want to show him I can change and show him I didn't mean no harm to him in anyway

Context:
I was in a relationship for a bit and things went South. I thought I was doing the right thing until I texted him that we needed to talk and I thought I was ""communicating"" until I received 20+ messages of paragraphs telling me things I have done wrong. I completely agree with him. He told me that I was too immature. He also told me that he tried to be patient with me with communication, which was something I really tried to do. He also said that I wasn't there to support him or try to talk to him. Many other reasons but the ones that really stand out where 

- being too inmature 
- not enough communication (on my part) 
- not being able to help more/distant
- having too high of expectations
- being too codependent
- not being realistic (He said he felt like I wasn't seeing him as a boyfriend but as someone else) 

I don't want to be dismissive of anything he is trying to say, I am really trying to change. I just don't know what to say or really do. I feel intense guilt and shame for my actions and I really did try to apologize and show that I really did mean lots of stuff with remorse but at the end I just couldn't. All I really wanna do is just try to fix things because he said we can still be friends but I'm just scared of messing things up. I can show the screenshots of the things he have sent on a reply post if anyone needs it for more context. Please I am begging too get better. I'm having such an hard time trying to show him that i still care about him. I don't know how because I feel like anything I do would make him uncomfortable or annoy him. I just want to be able to fix myself so I can show him I can change for the better and that I CAN be better. I feel like shit that I treated him so badly without realizing it. I really thought I tried, and I really did. I tried so hard for this relationship. I had a good time but he didn't and I fail to see that. Please I don't know what to do. I am getting therapy and counseling at school about this and my autism. I feel like a big part of this whole situation had to do because of my autism and how I can't pick up social cues. My autism doesn't excuse my actions though, and I know that. I want to fix the problems, I want to fix myself. Im just so confused because all of this is through SOCIAL CUES AND SOCIAL INTERACTION. :'( I'm horrible at that. So please if anyone can help, please can you help me. I'll show the screenshots of what he said so you guys can have more context."
autism,"Quitting a hobby due to burnout but feeling guilty Hello people, this is my first ever post on here. But I need to make a decision and thought that my fellow aspies could help me. 
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s several years ago at 13 years old (now I’m 17) and struggled with autistic burnout about three times since then. But this may be my fourth episode. I know the only way to get better is to reduce stress and my activities. Im still in school and of course can’t cut out my responsibilities in that regard, also I can’t quit therapy which takes up an afternoon a week, also I’m learning to drive and can’t reduce that. So the only Activity I could quit is dancing. I dance twice a week (ballet and jazz) and really love both. But ballet is stressing me out recently. I’m dancing since I’m three years old and would do anything not to quit, especially as I also struggle with not feeling good enough if I don’t do as many activities as possible. But I also know that I need to quit something in order to be happy again. 
I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m breaking up with someone or in this case something I love and feel some sort of grief. 
I love it on one hand and am stressed on the other. Any advice for me?"
autism,"safe space: which is yours? i know most ppl have their little spot but mines the bathroom floor. especially my own. obviously. but i noticed in a lot of social events i immediately get overwhelmed and i zoom to the nearest bathroom to either stim or stay quietly as everything passes by. its really comfortable. 

recently i started going in the kitchen cabinet— i used to be afraid of the dark immensely but idk why that spot is becoming my second favorite ""hiding spot"".  

so what's your favorite little spot?"
autism,"Our 6 year old is recently diagnosed. What can we do to help her? From what we've seen her biggest problems (or at least the most frequent) are sensory issues. So far we have:

* Repainted her bedroom to a darker colour
* Replaced our bulbs with dimmer bulbs (so she can turn the brightness to where she's comfortable) or lower watt bulbs.
* Changed our perfume/cologne to scents she chose
* Let her take the lead for all physical contact
* Altered the custody schedule (we're split up) so now myself, her and her father all have dinner together to help with the transition between staying at his and staying at mine
* We've stopped going to places that are likely to overwhelm her in terms of noise - mainly indoor soft play areas for kids because there's usually a lot of yelling/screaming and if she wants to see a movie we check it first for potential sensory issues

We're still unsure with how to deal with meltdowns. During her meltdowns she just stops talking and we're struggling to figure out if it's a sensory thing or if she's overwhelmed or if something else is wrong, and she struggles to tell us. We can see her trying to speak but it's like she just can't get the words out. The school is putting a TA in her class who is qualified in looking after non-neurotypical kids specifically, and we've been told to take her to this group with other kids with similar issues, but we're struggling to meet all of her needs.

Is there anything we're missing? We keep thinking we've covered all eventualities but then something happens and we realise we've missed something obvious."
autism,"Need better noise-cancelling headphones? Hey y'all,

Last holiday season, I was gifted a pair of Sony WH-1000XM4's. While they reduce sound, they don't do nearly enough to keep me from overstimulation on my busy and noisy college campus. I struggle with a lot of emotional regulation due to overstimulation. Considering the reviews online, they are made to seem like some of the best out there... I'm confused and upset .. I just need some peace and quiet! I can't escape the noise!"
autism,"Blog Viva Saúde Autismo O blog viva saúde conta com uma categoria sobre temas de apoio ao desenvolvimento de pessoas com autismo.

 

Dentre os principais tópicos da nossa missão, está em desenvolver, revisar e ajudar a divulgar informações ligadas a melhorias de saúde e qualidade vida das pessoas com autismo.

​

https://preview.redd.it/xqoduovgrt861.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=f06ed7fde498fcc584ef7aa2ac1d8d22be274c64

Toda informação compartilhada, após minunciosa revisão e construção de informações embasadas em conhecimento técnico cientifico.

Dicas de desenvolvimento de linguagem, alfabetização, desafios na vida adulta, cuidados relacionados ao uso de medicamentos entre outros.

Clique para [saber mais](https://vivasaude.life/categorias/sobreautismo/)"
autism,What are some your favourite hobbies? I need some inspiration people. I need to do something with my time and focus my energy into something. What are some of your favourite things you occupy your time with?
autism,HairDo Do you try to do your hair a certain way? It's like even my hair is autistic if that makes sense. I can't make it look normal unless I straighten it and then I lose lots of hair and need to get it cut all just so I don't stand out. I am in a cycle of not being able to accept that my hair makes me stand out and I can't mask with it!!
autism,"I just got fired I got fired from my first job as IT-support for ""not being enough of a team player"" and coming off as ""blunt"" in my conversations.
I don't even know why I feel like sharing this here. All I want is a job where I can peacefully work without having to worry about social cues and rules."
autism,I hate dull pencils!!!!!! I hate pencils in general. I use mechanical pencils. I hate the feeling of writing with a wooden pencil. Anyone here feel the same about wood pencils?
autism,"How to deal with a classmate with aspergers Theres a kid that goes to my class that I noticed was special since day 1. He usually talks very loud,interrupting the professor and he gets very nervous. I got told today that he has aspergers, and honestly, hes a good kid, but I've never dealt with this situation before. How do I deal with him? Anything worthy of note that I should know? Thanks in advance."
bipolar,"Medication suggestions Hi. I'm on my fourth anti depressant, still isn't helping. I take Gabapentin for mood stabilization and Celexa for depression. My doctor upped my Celexa and it's still shit.

I've tried Zoloft, Paxil and I can't remember the other one right now. I'm so lost. Do I change my mood stabilizer? Anti depressant? Do you have any suggestions? Research? Help, please. I'm trying to get better but this makes it seem impossible."
bipolar,"Guys, I need help I’ve been stable and medicated for months now and have seen the most progress then ever before in my life. Very happy with where things are at.

But.. (there’s always a but)

I can’t seem to hack my paranoia/psychotic thinking sometimes. Things will be going well in the day and that bam I’m smacked with some belief that I’m being followed, etc, etc. 

It’s scary and debilitating.

I don’t smoke or do drugs so it’s not from that.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts?"
bipolar,"Weaning off Seroquel (sleep issues) I've been going down on my Seroquel for a while now (nice and slow lol) I started on 800mg and I am currently at 400mg. My doctor said I could go down to 200mg. This was three days ago. 
First night on 200 was amazing. Slept perfect. 
Last night was one of the worst nights of my medicated life. Insomnia was like something I haven't had to deal with in like, 10 years. 

My doctors is closed until Monday and doesn't have a weekend cellphone (yay)

So my question? Go back to 400 until I can talk to my doctor or keep taking 200? 

Also spring semester starts Monday so I need sleep bad. "
bipolar,What happened to you when mood stabilizer started working? How did you feel day to day? What changed in your routine? How did it effect your relationship's?
bipolar,"Appointment tomorrow. I've been waiting a month to go back. Tomorrow's the big day! I wish I was as excited as I am nervous. When I left my psychiatrist's office last month, I was bawling all the way out of the office and no one cared lmao. I told myself I wouldn't go back and that doctors and medicine are all fucking crooks. I still feel that way but I haven't gotten any calls back from other doctors in my area. I'm kind of stuck seeing her until I can switch. I've been seeing her since September 2018. She's tried 2 medicines on me and both didn't work out. I have since been unmedicated because she doesn't know what to prescribe me at this point. She suggested therapy and I have been trying to find a therapist in my area for a few months. No one has called me back. (I've been calling people about a week after I initially get a hold of a human on the phone. They keep telling me to wait for a call.)   


My posts here are all the same but I have no one to talk to about shit that drags me down. I'm scared that tomorrow she's gonna provoke me. She tried my last appointment. I almost walked out but I told myself ""This is what she wants. She wants you to leave because you aren't capable of being helped."" I stayed because in my mind, I wanted to make her job harder. I wanted her to have to scratch her head and work for her fucking money. Instead of passing prescriptions to people willy nilly not giving a fuck how they feel. About who they are as a person. I've never been one to be aggressive or rude to anyone in public. She makes me want to punch myself in the face with frustration.  


My point is, something is wrong with me but who fucking cares. No doctor has ever come up with something that has helped and all therapists stop seeing me because I need medicine. Lmao I've been thrown back and forth to these professionals only to be told THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU BUT YOU'RE VERY MENTALLY ILL. Like yeah, it's a REAL problem isn't it? Only no one gives a fuck. I'd give anything to die peacefully. To not have been born. To not have anything wrong with me mentally. I'm sorry to anyone out there that might be offended by what I say. I'm just mad. Everyone gets mad. I'm always mad now. Ugh.   
"
bipolar,"You want it to stop? Well, you can’t, but you can manage it! I’ve been experiencing bipolar issues for about two decades now.  It sucks. It sucks really bad.  However, I believe I’ve been able to manage it as successfully as humanly possible and I’d like to share with you how I’ve done it. 


First things first, and I cannot stress this enough: what you put into your body is the single most important way to manage our illness.  Food is our energy source, point blank.  A healthy vegan diet is unquestionably the best way to eat. You can debate it all you want, but if you eat nothing but veggies, fruit, whole grains, etc YOU WILL FEEL BETTER! 


Again, I will repeat: A VEGAN DIET IS ESSENTIAL FOR A HEALTHY MIND AND BODY!  You can argue and debate all you want, however you cannot refute the fact that if you eat a complete nutrition filled vegan diet, you cannot go wrong.  There is literally no downside to it. 


Secondly, abstain from all alcohol.  I’ll admit that I have a glass of wine a night or two a week. And I feel awful the next morning. I no longer drink beer or vodka anymore and I’ve noticed a world of difference.  You choose what you put into your body, if you’re bipolar and you drink moderately to heavily, it’s no longer on your brain chemicals and it’s now on you for the reason why you feel shitty.  So STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL!


Thirdly, get outside and be active somehow.  If you’re not athletic, just go for long walks. Be with your thoughts and accept them.  Use the time to think of different ideas on how you want to spend your life. You may come up with a brilliant idea!


Lastly, in regards to romantic relationships, there are two ways to go about it. If you’re wanting a short term one, just go with it and safely fuck your brains out with whomever you’d like just as long as you make it known that you’re not going to get serious.  If you are looking for a long term relationship, you must tell your partner about your illness, how it affects you, and you must let them know what you need from them when an episode comes up.  Open and honest communication is essential.  If they’re not willing to help you when you’re low, then they’re not a long term fit for you.  In addition to this, you must also return the favor to them if they ever have issues too. So many times I see posts on here about selfish needs and how their partners aren’t helping, but it’s most likely because it’s only a one way street. 


To conclude on how to successfully manage being bipolar:


1 - A healthy vegan diet
2 - No alcohol or hard drugs 
3 - Be active outside
4 - Honest Communication with romantic partners."
bipolar,"What are some non-suicidal thoughts that make you go ""yikes""? I've thought many times that it would have been better to have gotten cancer over having experienced psychosis and this diagnosis. I guess at least cancer wouldn't have felt like my fault and I'd get some sympathy. No one would have cut ties with me.

It's an awful thought cause I have no idea what having cancer is like. But I guess bipolar burns the complete mental, physical, and social trifecta and makes you feel like a worthless human being."
bipolar,"hp? and is this normal? So my doctor cut me off of lithium because when I got my ECG my heart rate was a bit slow. We're waiting for me to get a call from the cardiologist for a second opinion before I can get a refill. But I talked to a walk-in clinic today over the phone and they said that that's not normal. I've been holding it down, as I've been off work, but the past few days it's come to a head, that's why I reached out, as my gp is on vacation. I have a new job contract, I start Sunday, and I'm falling apart without my meds. I don't know what to do, or how I can deal. This is the first time in a couple years I've been suicidal. I'm in Canada, I'm not sure if cutting me off like this is normal, or if there's any self help tips to get me through???

***whoops it says 'hp' in the title.I wrote 'help'. Kind of bad with technology and can't find a way to edit that, sorry"
bipolar,"just finished my second appointment with my psychiatrist and she said she still isn’t diagnosing me with BD yet she is sure about anxiety but not diagnosing me with bipolar disorder…is this normal? i’ve been able to do research since our first meeting and i feel like i definitely fit into the category of having bipolar disorder. for now she is classifying me as having a mood disorder without being specific. 

she told me i selected no to experiencing euphoria on my assessment but she says i describe euphoric behaviors. i explained to her i didn’t realize my behaviors were considered euphoric i just thought they were wreckless and not well thought out. the look on her face made me feel like she was judging me so i became super embarrassed for not understanding the definition of euphoria.

am i overthinking?"
bipolar,"Either annoying or boring Type 1 here. When I'm manic I'm annoying and when I'm depressed I'm boring

Idk how to make this post productive. Thoughts? I'm not handling it well"
bipolar,"Vindictive Bosses I just found out today how vindictive my boss is. I called up my HR today and asked them why I am still being cut off from my SDI benefits even though I’m on medical leave. It turns out that they never received my medical leave and instead, all they got was the termination package my boss served me and evaluated me for my medical leave. 

Even though I never was in the office for the days she claims I was for my probation, which my union also told me was supposed to pause and then resume once I return from medical leave. I do have a pro-bono lawyer now that I just got this week but still just wow. The degree to which bosses can get off on power control. I actually am relapsing into rapid-cycling hypomania and mania because of her very actions. I was stable and she intentionally made me unstable by harassing me at work through forced meetings and taking away all of my work so that she can have more time toying with me."
bipolar,"If mania is a problem for you, always hire movers And get the majority of the packing done well ahead of time.

Last time I tried to do it on my own, I provoked an episode.  This time is a relaxing experience (after packing...fuck packing)

It is worth the whatever money to avoid an episode.  Fucking duh"
bipolar,"Covid and bipolar I have had covid for the past week. I have been fine and feeling better physically now however have noticed a distinct slip in my mood. Prior to catching covid I had a manic phase and am not sure if the drop in mood is related to that (which would be typical), just covid or its own thing. Anyway I am unmedicated atm having finished my acute medication for mania because my partner and I are in the process of trying for a kid (obviously not actively during mania or covid). I just don't know when to contact my Phychatrist about my dip in mood. Like I feel maybe a 3 (1=the lowest, 10=full blown euphoria). Apathetic, no appetite, irritable, guilt about everything you know the usual. The CMHT where I live is super stretched and I don’t particularly want to contact them for a non event that resolves itself. I do though have a history of hospitalisation and with out meds fear things could plummet fast.

Anyway my question is this. People who have had covid did it effect your mood noticeably? More than just the usual malaise after illness."
bipolar,"Does anyone find lamotrigine stimulating / keeps you awake? I've taken lamotrigine for a while now (morning and night), but have recently started to think it's keeping me up at night. I'll be super tired in the evening, take it about 8 o'clock, and then perk up massively an hour or so later. Then I'm up til midnight painting to try and tire my mind out so I can get to sleep. Anyone experienced the same?"
bipolar,"Worried that im bipolar I take Zoloft for my mood swings, because without it I fly off the handle too easily.  I consider myself someone with anger issues but people also describe me as laid back.  


I am an impulse buyer and a lot of the clothing I buy ends up never being worn and I give it away or throw it away.  I'm an impulse eater and I think I'm overweight because of it.  Always losing the same ten pounds then gaining it back later.  


Sometimes I love my husband and sometimes I hate him.  Sometimes I'm happy with our sex life and sometimes I feel like having random sex with someone else , even though I know I would regret it later and it would not be worth it.  I feel like at times I'm hypersexual, and don't know what to do about it if he isn't in the mood.  


Im generally not a driven person.  I start a lot of projects and never finish them.  I have songs I haven't finished, paintings I've never finished, books and stories I've never finished.   And I procrastinate even with my job.  


I'm a teacher.  Sometimes I'm really fun and vibrant.  Other times students ask me what's wrong or if I'm sick.  I never know what to say because I'm just me being me.  


I go to a therapist once a week and I usually cry during my session.  I talk about my past, my present, and my future.  It makes me upset that I have no solid goals, it makes me upset that I have been sexually assaulted so much in my life and that it took away my teen hood.  


I'm a user.  Im usually looking forward to the next cup of coffee, the next beer, the next joint that I let myself have.  


Am I an average person, or am I bipolar?  Opinions please."
bipolar,"Going off medication Hello there, this is my first time posting I hope I’m doing it the right way 🤦🏻‍♂️ I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar type 1 since 2017-18, I’ve been on-off meds frequently. And it almost ruined my life. For the last year I’ve been on meds and complying to my dr’s advice. The last time I saw him he told me we could taper off meds throughout this year and then see how I do without them. I know this isn’t really a consultation I’m just looking for someone who’ve tried this and if it worked or not. I know it’s different for everyone but I’d like to have a better idea before making a decision."
bipolar,"Clonazepam I have a prescription to take 1/2 mg of Clonazepam periodically during the day for anxiety. I take it maybe once or twice a week. I’ve noticed that when I take the medication, rather than relaxing on the couch, I find myself engaged in highly productive activities I wouldn’t otherwise do. I can clean my house from top to bottom. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

The only thing I can speculate is that, because my anxiety is gone, I can focus on productivity rather than anxiously rocking back and forth on the couch as I do without the medication. I plan on speaking with my doctor about it but thought I’d check in here."
bipolar,I havent eating in 2 days Anyone else experiences this ? I just cant get anything down my throat. Just tried with stuff i like but the moment it touches my lips i feel like i have to puke... Normally im always hungry
bipolar,"Increasingly less motivated and a long depressive stretch This all started about a week ago, I was doing perfectly fine, hanging out with friends and smoking weed.

I came home around 6pm and was still feeling pretty good, started listening to some music, I walked into my bathroom and caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror and got a cold feeling that swept through my entire body, I quickly flipped right then and there and have been in a depressive state for a bit over a week.

It was a Friday night and nobody was home, I turned my music off and stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes straight and after awhile I felt a complete dissociation from myself, I couldn't believe that that person in the mirror was me. I quickly panicked and went to the easiest solution I saw, I took 2 bars of Xanax and cried in my bathtub.

I woke up the next day still tiered even after 14 hours of sleep, I locked myself in my room and didn't come out unless I was eating or going to the bathroom, i forced myself to go to school on Monday but didn't really feel like I was actually there, I couldn't focus at all and I've been drifting through my days feeling like nothing.

It's also become aperant that I'm ruining my new relationship as a consequence of my stretch, I've been ignoring this very kind woman I've been talking to and I told a friend I wasn't sure if I could maintain a relationship with her because of how fucked up I've been the past few months, I made her promise not to tell the woman I've been talking to and she eventually did (that didn't make me feel better at all) and we had a conversation about our relationship which in the end went no where

In all its been getting a little better but I'm still lacking in effort and feeling emotionless and I don't really know how to deal with it anymore, I've stopped taking hard drugs such as Xanax but I continue to smoke even though I don't get as much enjoyment out of it"
bipolar,"What antipsychotic for bipolar won't make me feel like a zombie? Hi, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar type 1 after a manic episode and have all the symptoms. I took seroquel 100 mg for 3 days, and it did its job of eliminating all manic symptoms by the third day, but I feel like a zombie. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a train every morning, and I couldn't feel any emotions, not even towards my wife, so I started taking 50 mg for two days, and I pretty much felt 50% better, but still can't feel emotions like I used to, and it was hard to fall asleep. Also, I started becoming very agitated after only taking 50mg of seroquel again. What antipsychotic won't make me feel like a zombie? I'd rather have the side effect of weight gain than this. Is ziprasidone a good option?"
bipolar,"Sadness / inability to express the pain I feel I hope this fits here and I’m somewhat understood on some level. 

I’m sad. Like really sad.
It seems like no one has feelings around me, the way that I seem to succumb to mine and am told I need to suck it up and hide it like they do. 
I can’t stop crying. 
I want to create something from this, a way to express myself sufficiently so that the pain I feel is seen and understood. 
I’m not very good at expressing myself. At communicating right. 
I can tell I feel too much. 
I’m told I’m just emotional. 
It seems like it’s more than that.
I’m in pain.
It seems as if people are devoid of emotions unless it’s fake extreme happiness because apparently that’s the only acceptable way to be. 
I’m sorry. I wish I could explain myself better. I want too and need too. I just don’t know how. 
How can I fully express the pain I feel?"
bipolar,"Treatment Todays my first day of treatment, which I’ve attended 3 times in less than 3 years. I feel very little shame at all and I’m grateful and almost excited to imagine how much healthier my thought processes will be affected practicing the skills and habits I re-learn here. 

When the going gets tough, ask for help."
bipolar,"Advice on diagnosis I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with bipolar disorder and hypothyroidism after a really bad episode that landed me in a behavioral health center. I have never been told if it’s bipolar 1 or 2, or anything other than “You are bipolar”. Is there a huge difference? I saw a psychiatrist then, but haven’t since. I am currently on Prozac 40mg, and it seems to work most of the time, but the other day I had a manic episode and literally cleaned my house for 7 hours straight unable to convince myself to do something else. Any advice is appreciated!!!!"
bipolar,"Can't tell if weed is helping or if I'm just dependent on it. I've been smoking weed as often as I can for well over a year now. I consider myself a responsible user; I don't get too high to do nessecary things, I make sure I have enough money to pay for weed AND everything else I need such as food and rent, and if I don't then I'll sacrifice weed 90% of the time (there have been exceptions which I'm not proud of). I also take breaks when needed for drug tests without any issue. Sure, sometimes I like to be high/buzzed at work. It improves my mood, helps time pass, and makes it easier to talk to my coworkers and boss. It makes me happier and less awkward, and doesn't seem to negatively effect my performance.

I fear not having weed. I ran out yesterday and I do consider this a blessing since it will help me build tolerance which will in turn allow me to save money by needing less weed, however I must be suffering from some emotional withdrawal or maybe it's just bad timing, because my depression kicked into overdrive. I cried all day, I haven't eaten or gotten out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time, I've slept way more than usual, and I'm feeling worse than I have in months. That said, I've been feeling worse and worse for the past few weeks, so it could be that the weed was keeping me afloat and now I'm crashing since I don't have it. I just can't say.

I know weed doesn't interact well with psychotic symptoms, but those actually faded quickly when I started partaking regularly, so that's confusing to me. Today, I was getting a lot of strong delusions. Delusions are one of the most difficult things I deal with, but most of them stem from my anxiety so something like a cigarette or some weed will help me work them out and tell if they're true or not. Because of all the time I've spent reflecting on my delusions while high, the skills I learned have bled into my sober life and have made delusions much easier to handle, so my depression is really my main downfall right now. Mania is rare and very manageable in comparison. When I'm manic, I only use weed for fun and my skills at managing my symptoms make mania the easiest times for me.

My roommate has expressed that he thinks I'm using weed to cope rather than to actually help. He's only known me for about a third of the time I've smoked, so he hasn't seen the progress I've made. Then again, he can see things from a different perspective and maybe he's right. I just can't tell. I consider weed to be a medicine as well as something I can have fun with. If I need to calm down or be less depressed, I'll smoke a small amount of weed. If I want to have a little fun and unwind at the end of a long day, I'll smoke a larger amount of weed. I'm a very introspective person and I tend to think I know myself inside and out, including what I'm like at different levels of high and with different types of weed (sativa vs indica. I'm convinced strains don't really make a difference). Yet I have this outside opinion from my roommate and it concerns me. If he's right, I need to make a change and cut back or stop using it altogether. If not, I need to find a way to communicate to him why I use weed and why it helps. I'm also concerned by my fear of being without weed. While it could be that I fear the negative mental effects of being without it, it might just be that I'm dependent.

For the record, I have tried therapy and psychiatry a few times. I was also medicated to no effect whatsoever for 2 years. I had some success with lifestyle changes, mainly intermittent fasting and the keto diet, but was unable to pull out the willpower to keep it going. I do still try keto for a few days here and there and usually it makes a difference. I would be willing to try other treatment options, such as other meds I haven't tried, electroshock therapy, and whatever else I haven't thought of. Right now, I consider all these things to be on hold, as I can't afford them and am actually focussing on a more pressing health concern that would be difficult to get insurance to cover if my insurance has on record that I'm bipolar. All that said, I need advice on whether I seem to be dependent on weed. I know multiple treatment options must be used to achieve stability, but so far weed is the only one I really have readily available. If it's not helping, I should stop and focus on getting other treatments.

What experiences do you guys have with weed? Did it help? Did you become addicted or dependent? Did it make your psychotic symptoms worse? What do you think about my usage of it?"
bipolar,manic...again i am going on 2 days of no sleep. hate this. want my brain to TURN OFF. this mania is different from other mania because my brain is so mush from not sleeping i cannot do anything i’ve literally just been laying in bed being irritable. i can’t really up my dosage of my antipsychotic because i got this really convenient side effect of my medication called an oculogyric crisis where basically my eyes spasm upwards for hours and i can’t look down. lovely.
bipolar,"Need a nudge Got prescribed Seroquel about a month ago and my psychotic ass has been lying to everyone about taking it.  You all know how we are...I should take this, right?  I worry about sexual side effects.  Again, y’all know we do the bedroom in Beastmode.  Not trying to lose that."
bipolar,"Service dogs? Hi. Ive been on a little bit of a weird cycle lately, but I’m definitely on a a down swing. But, I’m also kinda thinking about how bad my most recent upswing was. I bought a fucking car.. can’t afford it. Whatever.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking about getting a service dog, because one my docs mentioned it to me over the years. I was thinking, what exactly can they do to help with mania? What about depression? Like stuck in bed type. Can I get a dog that will stop me from buying shit? Also, dogs are one of the few things that do make me happy that often. 

Do any of you have a service dog?  If so, how’s it going? How’s the rest of your life? What tasks does it do? How much did it cost? Would insurance cover it?

XOXO"
bipolar,0 to 100 real quick. Story of my life. Who esle sad? Today was a good day. Then my ex gf has to make it better! Don't you love when they say you're crazy. Smh maybe I am crazy.
bipolar,Help. Describe what your bipolar is like for you. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 and I want to know what others with bipolar do and what their symptoms are like. I know not everyone is the same and two bipolar people can be very different but I just want to make sure I’m not misdiagnosed.
bipolar,"Allergic reaction to Ziprasidone/Geodon or all in my head? Been taking Ziprasidone/Geodon for 6 - 7 months. Only side effects I have are emotional blunting

This past Monday about 3 hours after taking 40 mg I couldn't close my mouth. Like physically couldn't close my jaw. It wanted to stay open and it required extensive effort to close. It put a lot of strain on my jaw and it hurt alot.

So i went to the ER but it was busy so I couldn't see a doctor for almost 5 hours. While I was waiting to see a doctor I was able to close my jaw but then it morphed into something else. I got a lump in my throat and every time I breathed in my throat would close up and I couldn't breath. It put a lot of pressure in my throat/jaw area and radiated up into my head. I think the stress of not being able to breath induced a panic attack and I was freaking out thinking I was going to die for almost 2 hours. Everytime I thought about the panic attack it made it worse.  

After almost 5 hours of this, they finally gave me some anti-anxiety meds and it eventually went away. 

I'm now afraid to take my Ziprasidone because I don't want to experience that ever again. Has any one else had a reaction like this?"
bipolar,"Advice on Dating someone who is bipolar Hi friends, 
My boyfriend was recently diagnosed bipolar (manic depression). It definitely explains the ups and downs of his behavior,  like when he will barely communicate with me for a few days. 
I myself struggle with mental illness, I have anxiety and depression. That being said, I would love some advice how to handle the situation when he’s at a low point, so I don’t stress myself out overthinking that he’s purposely avoiding me. 
Also, I would love to learn more about being bipolar, so I can better understand from more then just him. I just want to be the most supportive girlfriend I can be. So advice is greatly appreciated!! :) Thank you!! "
bipolar,"Sort of labelled I was recently diagnosed and I just let my close friends and my mom know. One of them said that i don’t look like someone who would have it. Another said that everyone has it and is on a spectrum, my mom also said the same thing. I was diagnosed with depression before this and anxiety and OCD and i kinda wish i didn’t tell anyone about my recent diagnosis bc i feel judged everytime i speak now and i feel like everyone is just brushing me off of what i have and invalidating my feelings also. i don’t know if it’s because they don’t know what to say but it just saddens me bc i feel more alone than ever now. 
:/"
bipolar,"Latuda withdrawl.. Last time I was off it, I ended up getting crippling anxiety and ended up in the ER by ambulance because I had a panic attack and thought I was dying. 

My insurance is going to change soon and i wont be able to afford it anymore. 

Besides taking benzos what can I do to ease the withdrawl? I've been on it for 3 years. Want to go back to geodon to help me lose weight again."
bipolar,WHATS GOOD WEDNESDAY What is going well for you
bipolar,"Does anyone have experience in lowering their Lithium dosage? I'm taking 1200mg right now. And I swear I'm drinking *at least* 10 liters of water per day. This is 2.6 US Gallons according to Google.

I'm asking because I'm guessing that taking 900mg or 600mg could help a bit. I do not recall being this thirsty before increasing my dosage back in December. I was in a depressive episode at the time, but now I'm on the ""happy side"" of things. My doctor already lowered the dosage of buprion to 150mg too.

Thanks!"
bipolar,"Mixed episodes I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I for 7 years and have never heard of these. 

What are ‘mixed episodes?’"
bipolar,Just diagnosed I just got diagnosed with bipolar 2 with rapid cycling.
bipolar,"How do you know if someone is having an episode? Before I met my ex girlfriend, she was very sexually active but also extremely depressed. She always had multiple partners and would let people ""use her"". She couldn't explain why, and admitted that it wasn't smart, safe, or even satisfying. Meeting me, we began to work through her issues. She expressed how the intimacy we share bypasses her past hook ups by far. 

We discovered that she suffered from bipolar disorder on the same day we discovered she was pregnant with our child. Needless to say, we've had our ups and downs for sure, but our love for each other and our child always helped us get back on track.

That child is now four years old, and we separated four months ago due to some petty argument. We reconciled to an extent, with her telling me she loves me and wants to be with me at the end of the day. However, her sexual urges have practically exploded and she returned to wanting to have multiple partners. 

I explained to her that I wasn't willing to share her, or sit around and wait for her to stop doing these things. I gave her the ultimatum of me or them, and even though I got an angry response, a sad response, an aloof response, and everything in between, I didn't get a real answer. I figured that no answer was enough of an answer and I decided that I would just have to accept reality and move on from the relationship.

I talked to a few people about my decision and everyone had different views. Some of them felt she was being incredibly selfish and manipulative. Some felt that its her body and I should mind my own business. Some told me that I was foolish for not following the rule of ""never wife a ho"". All of these responses, positive or negative, felt useless to me because none of them factored in that she suffers from a mental disorder. 

I feel a huge sense of responsibility because I've not only been her lover for these past 5 years, but her caretaker as well. I pushed her to go to therapy, and to consider meds, and to remove toxic people from her life. But even after 5 years, I still only know so much about how bipolar disorder manifests. 

Everything that has happened seems to line up with the symptom of hypersexuality, along with some of the things I read about empathy. But how do I know? How do I know this isn't just a grown woman making her own decisions? How do I know when it's time to give up and walk away?"
bipolar,I often wonder what's it like to be a normal person How did I feel when I was whole? Or have I even felt being whole ever...
bipolar,"Head fog?? No idea what this is or if it is even psych related. Gonna talk to my pcp about it but wondering if anyone experiences anything similar. Bare with me in the explanation here lol.

It started happening every so often while driving now it is everyday, driving, walking, at the store, etc.
Everything is just blurry. Not literally blurry; i am seeing fine. But idk, my head is blurry and i cant react very well which makes driving difficult. Its like i am in a clear box staring out. Its just kinda fuzzy. Again not literally fizzy with sight, but something is very very off. Its like my brain is sleeping but i am still awake
Im mostly concerned about it while driving because it is hard to respond to problems and make decisions when it is happening."
bipolar,"I got married As someone who has struggled with her mental health her entire life, I’m so happy to say that I married the man of my dreams yesterday. I was always worried that my mental health would prevent me from finding someone who would want to spend their life with me, but my disorder didn’t win this time!!! Woo!!!"
bipolar,"Episodes while on meds Is it normal to still have minor depression episodes while on stable medicine? I was diagnosed back in November and I'm still struggling to figure everything out, but the medicine I'm on right now is keeping me nice and stable, just occasionally somewhat depressed. I'm on Abilify (10mg) and Lamictal (200mg) if that helps with any info."
bipolar,"I’m in so much debt and no one knows. As the title says, I’ve recently been trialling some new meds and so far so good. But I’m beginning to begin to realise the consequences of my manic actions and calculated I’m in about 12k worth of debt and I don’t know how to tell anyone or what to even do about it. Just needed to say that to some people who may understand before I tell the people who 100% won’t understand."
bipolar,"First manic episode when I realize I’m actually manic or hypomania idk 
Went to an ER told them I can’t sleep and then when the doctor came I told him I need help and that I haven’t slept or eaten in 3 days and that I’m manic. I asked him not to add that to my notes and  he was nice enough to diagnose me with insomnia. I got 5 Valium’s (he didn’t want to give me more for liability reasons) I’m waiting to hear back from a counselor / psych team near where I live. 

How can I stop the mania or deal with it untill I get a real psych med?"
bipolar,"I feel like I'm making this all up in my head... I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 disorder in January of 2017. I have always struggled with medications and adjustments. I'm finally on a decent combination (I think), but I cant help but wonder if I'm actually bipolar. I know logically it's the meds doing what they're supposed to, but what if the doctors are wrong and the meds have a placebo effect on me. Is that a thing? Or do I just think too much? I've put my family through a lot and i always feel really guilty about it. But it's even worse wondering if I've made it all up. Someone please help. I'm really anxious and i cant stop thinking."
bipolar,"Anyone have advice? My mother is not emotionally available. Im pretty sure she has Bordeline pd. I want to go to my mom for help but she disregards every single thing i say. She keeps telling me, “Everyone feels this way” or “youre just being dramatic”. I just moved and dont have a lot of trusted friends I could go to. I want to keep a good relationship with my mom but I don’t want to keep feeling stupid every time I am in a crisis."
bipolar,My first mental breakdown since December I have a roommate so I am not home. I'm sitting in my car with my bottle of lithium and I googled and it seems like a difficult means for suicide and I really just dont know what to do or how to cope
bipolar,"How do you cope with cognitive loss, physical fitness loss? F (45) I have Bipolar 2 and Borderline Personality Disorder.  In my spare time I train for triathlons and I am also a vegan.  You can imagine my shock when two weeks ago I had a mild heart attack.  I had to stay in hospital for a week whilst tests were carried out.  It turns out I have fluid around my heart.  The consultant thinks I could have either SCAD https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/heart-attack/about-heart-attacks/coronary-artery-dissection-not-just-a-heart-attack (which my cousin has) or a hypermobility syndrome. I have to go for further tests, some of which are genetic.  With regards to my fitness; I spent a long time training hard to get triathlon fit and now I can't exercise at all at the moment. It is not like I eat red meat, smoke or drink.  I don't feel sad about losing my physical fitness, I just feel numb.  I am also having problems working on my PhD as my brain seems to have developed brainfog.  I am wondering what curveball I will be thrown next.  Any tips to help me deal with physical/mental restrictions you face through having poor health."
bipolar,"Crazy dreams could be a precursor to mania? I’ve been on lamictal for two years and my dose just got upped to 300 mg from 250 mg. Lately I can’t sleep through the night at all, I get insane nightmares that are incredibly gory and graphic and vivid. It reminds me a lot of the terrible dreams I had as a child , or when I was on ambien, but lately they are relentless. I wake up in a cold sweat and dread going back to sleep because I know the nightmare will start from where it left off. 

After some quick googling this morning I found that vivid nightmares can sometimes be a warning sign of an incoming manic episode. I’m personally terrible at recognizing mania until the episode is over. Has anyone ever experienced bad dreams leading to mania? What do you guys do when the nightmares won’t stop?"
bipolar,"Am I doing therapy right? I've been in therapy for about a year now due to anxiety and extreme bouts of depression thanks to bipolar. I can't help but feel that I'm not getting anything out of therapy and was wondering about the experiences others have had.

Generally my therapy appointments are just chatting about how things are going day to day. My anxiety hasn't been too bad, but we've never really spoken about ways to mitigate anxiety when it comes up. I've been able to talk about my depression and the causes of it and how I'm dealing with it, but overall it seems like I'm having a conversation like I would with my mom.

Is this common for therapy? Do others just talk about how you're handling day to day life and examine the things that may be triggering anxiety or depression? Should I be expecting more from my therapy sessions? Or is this pretty standard?

I've seriously thought about giving up on therapy because it feels like I'm just having the same kind of conversations I could have with my husband or my Mom, so I'd really appreciate some insight from others."
bipolar,"Suffering through work during and episode First some background: I have GAD and OCD and my doctor and I are exploring a possible bipolar 2 diagnosis. I’ve had one hypomanic episode, as far as I know, a couple of years ago.

Right now I’m experiencing some kind of combination of a lot of symptoms. I’m going intensely obsessive and hyper focused (as in, staying up most of the night with a stomach ache because I haven’t optimally organized the thousands of articles I’ve been hoarding on Facebook) and generally feeling overwhelming and incapacitating anxiety. I’m either super anxious to do things or don’t want to do anything. No pleasure either way.

This has been going on about a week and is definitely triggered by some intensely stressful life circumstances. It feels like my hypomanic episode did before, except with the added and debilitating anxiety.

My question isn’t what this episode is, cause that’s for my doctor to figure out. I’m just looking for advice on how to live with whatever this is.

I’m a college grad and a driven and passionate person. But it’s been a major achievement in the past 2 years to be able to hold down a part-time, minimum wage job. Right now, I don’t feel capable of doing that anymore.

I want to and love to work hard. When I’m at work, I put everything I can into it, albeit pulling back when I’m feeling bad. But I’m realizing that I often spend several hours each shift with intense feelings of anxiety, anger or despair. I love my work and I’m capable at it. But I’m also constantly suffering while working.

I tell myself that it’s just part of life, that everyone suffers and that, if I can physically do it, then it’s not bad enough to warrant calling in. I only have so much time I can use to call off sick anyway.

So, how do I do it? How do I go to work tomorrow and the days after that knowing that it’s going to make how I’m feeling worse? How do I decide whether to quit when I need the job for income and my illness isn’t ‘severe enough’ to qualify for assistance? How do I live when I know that the only way to survive is to keep suffering?

I know that that’s just the reality, and that tons of people suffer. I’m not trying to act like my problems are bigger than others’, cause they aren’t. I just don’t know how to have the strength to keep going."
bipolar,Wow These mood swings are just too much. I went from balling my eyes out crying to feeling like I might be ok. I can’t take it man. That was a serious episode of me crying and I miss my dad. He was my only friend. Someone I could talk to about anything and I really miss him. None of the medicine I have will ever fix any of my mental illness. I’m trying to just suck up my tears before people come home and ask what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone I just want to go out into the wilderness and be alone. I’m tired of people. I’m happiest when I’m alone
bipolar,"I had my first psychotic episode. I’m currently in the process of being diagnosed with bipolar and I just experienced my first psychotic episode. I thought the government was after me, had sent people to watch me, and that they were trying to kill me. I’ve had these thoughts for the last 15 hours, but it reached a peak while I was at work in a public space. I started crying and panicking and locked myself in the back room. They sent me home with my emergency contact. I’m at home now and feel safer and am trying to make an emergency appointment with my psychologist or psychiatrist. I’m afraid that I scared my coworkers and they won’t feel safe around me anymore. 

Any tips for managing post-psychotic episode, or how to make reparations with coworkers? Many thanks."
bipolar,I'm starting to doubt I was ever even bipolar It's probably just because I've found my perfect cocktail of drugs and quit my stressful job but things have just been so stable...it's honestly freaky. I'm starting to be filled with ennui.  It's making me doubt I was ever even ill in the first place. Like I was just pretending or overreacting this whole time. Or like I'm a liar. I'm going to keep taking my pills because I know I'm supposed to so don't worry.
bipolar,"Getting out of quarantine and being overstimulated Just like most people I have been trying to work from home. I am a drama teacher, already working within the field. It's a hectic job, but it is really rewarding. It has extreme highs, followed by (my own) extreme lows. I took that for granted: Whenever I finish a performance, there will be a low, and that's fine. I am on medication and it levels out my emotions a bit. BUT, working from home (mostly study, as recreational theater was cancelled and schools closed) and being socially distant made me get used to quietness: I started to enjoy my own company and I am meeting up with one or two individuals. Everytime I meet up in larger groups (A few weeks ago we were cleared to start workshops for children and amateur actors), I feel so overwhelmed. And most important: My emotional state drops to zero the next day. I am not only tired, but really depressed and drained. Something I never experienced since I started my medication . From next week I will start working with larger amouts of people again for 4 days a week. I am realy nervous of my emotional state and how to learn to regulate it again. I am starting a new job, and two older jobs will start again. I can't afford to work half-time, nor can I call in sick every other day.

I am a bit worried, does anyone have some advice?"
bipolar,"My dog Simon. He kept me going when times got rough. RIP buddy. Your'e still a good boy. Yes I know I photoshopped his fur pattern for fun a few years ago.

https://i.redd.it/6w48aunq46d21.jpg"
bipolar,"I was recently diagnosed with bp2 but I feel like there’s something else that my doctors are missing. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 earlier this week. It’s technically my 3rd diagnosis as I am on my 3rd psychiatrist as he is the only one that I feel like listens to what I have to say. When I first met him he said he wasn’t sure if I had it, that I just had extreme ADHD, insomnia, depression, and anxiety. He started me on Zoloft and I slowly went up to 75mg over the course of two months. 

Since I started it I slowly got worse. At first it felt like I was getting better, I was motivated, inspired, and so on. Then suddenly I was always agitated, pushing topics that shouldn’t be pushed, I started planning my wedding because I found out my boyfriend bought an engagement ring for me, I stopped trying at work, I was no longer self aware. I felt like the world was moving way to fast and I begun trying to move faster, but in reality I slowed down. 

I work with my sister and she sat me down about a week ago and said I’m about to get fired, that I’ve started leaving my coworkers on their own when they needed me, I’ve started snapping at people at work, I’ve been ruder to customers, I’m always on my phone, and it seemed like it was just a switch that flipped and everyone has tried to be patient but I’m on my last straw.

I sat down with my boyfriend (we’ve been together 2 1/2 years) and I asked him if he had noticed a difference in me, he didn’t want to answer as he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But he admitted I’ve been snapping at him more, meaner to him, I’ve wanted nothing to do with our usual activities, I’ve stopped helping him with chores, stopped cleaning, and I’ve just over all been different. He was beginning to think I was going to break up with him or that I’ve met somebody else. That’s not the case at all.

So I sat down and begun thinking, I’ve felt like I’ve been going crazy over the last month. I’ve felt like I have no time left, I’m worthless, I’ve even felt like my closest friends hate me and people at work couldn’t stand me. I’ve constantly needed stimulation, rather it’s sex or playing a game on my phone that scratches that part of my brain. And worse of all I’ve been delusional.

I’ve noticed street signs in different locations, I swore I had a center console in my car that I’ve been storing things in. Just yesterday I went to get something out of it and I realized the center console didn’t exist. Everything I’ve been “storing” in it was behind my seat on the floor. I’ve had conversations with people that only I remember. And there’s so much more.

Earlier this week I started a new medication. I told all of this to my psychiatrist and he said it seems like the zoloft “activated” me, that it sent me into a hypomania (minus the need for no sleep, I’m on seroquel so I sleep just fine.). 

I don’t know what to do, I don’t have insurance and I’m seeing my psychiatrist through a mental health safety net which is a state grant essentially. I don’t have the money to go see someone from a private practice or a different doctor. But I know there’s something even worse wrong with me, but I don’t know what."
bipolar,Childhood/Parents Just curious how many people on here would say they had overall good parent(s) and a happy childhood?
bipolar,"Overly emotional with bipolar 2? What I mean by this is I could be signing a happy song, and then not even a second later I’m sad crying. This happens to me a lot too. More examples: I could be exercising and then boom I’m crying, having a fun with my family: crying.  It’s overwhelming and I don’t really feel sad in these moments, just more like existing. It’s embarrassing really. Does this make sense, does anyone else feel this way too?"
bipolar,"Looking for advice. Family member in manic state for almost 2 months Hi y’all,
A member of my family has been manic for close to 2 months now.  Apparently made worse by steroids that were prescribed. I am extremely worried but unsure how to address this. She thinks everything is ok because her house is clean, she’s flying and cleaning at all hours of the day and night. She has also been extremely confrontational and forgetful (screaming, cussing us out over perceived slights and telling the same stories or making the same “suggestions” dozens of times) She refuses to admit that anything is wrong. Taking herself to the doctor would do no good since everything we are concerned about is “just her personality”.  and wouldn’t be discussed during the visit. But this is not the person I grew up with and I’m scared for her.  Is it true that being in a prolonged manic state can damage her brain?  How do we get through to her doctor without enraging her? I’ve tried talking to her about it but rational thought seems to be out the window. Has anyone else ever gone through something like this before? Any suggestions on how to get through to her? It’s affecting everyone in the family but it seems most are ok with waiting for her to come back down rather than confront her (for fear of blowing up the family) I want to help her now though"
bipolar,"Vraylar increased hunger and tiredness? I started 1.5 mg of Vraylar about a week and a half ago. Recently I've had increased hunger and been much more tired at night. I got to bed between 9:30-10:30 and struggle to wake up at 8. Anyone else deal with side effects like these? It's been the only atypical that I've felt stable on, but the constant tiredness/lack of energy and focus is getting to me."
bipolar,"hydroxyzine I have been experiencing these...cataclysmic panic attacks recently (stress from school), so my psych prescribed me lorazepam (which I have taken before), and hydroxyzine (which I have never heard of). Her idea is, instead of depending on lorazepam completely, alternate use with hydroxyzine. I'm really happy she trusts me with these medications, and I don't intend on getting goofy with them!! But I know NOTHING about hydroxyzine. Has anyone here taken it? What were your experiences with it?

I have taken lorazepam for acute events only, and that's what I am going to do again with it...can I do the same thing with hydroxyzine? I drink alcohol and don't really want to be stuffing my body with these things all the time vs. once a week, as needed."
bipolar,"Have you ever had successful relationships/friendships? Hi there! This is my first post here. [21, enby femme]. I’m diagnosed bipolar and I currently don’t take medication. (Adding this because I’m not sure how relevant it is to my situation.) 

Throughout my whole life, I’ve found it really hard to make and keep friendships and relationships. When someone hurts me significantly, I immediately cut them out of my life, often times without thinking. 

I usually do this without actually wanting the person gone but the hurt they’ve caused me makes me shut down and put up walls. I find myself often going back and forth between inviting them back into my life and casting them out again. It causes major problems in my relationships and makes me feel very toxic and lonely.

I often times wonder if there’s hope for a person like me and if I’ll ever be able to receive the help I need in order to have successful connections with people. I also wonder if my destructive tendencies are because of my lack of being medicated. 

Has any one else found it hard to have successful relationships/friendships while living with Bipolar? If you have successful ones, what do you recommend? I’m just confused and hopeless at this point. I need encouragement and the hope that it’s possible to have successful connections while mentally ill. 

I’m also autistic but I feel like my bipolar affects my relationships more significantly. 

TL;DR - I suffer with bipolar and am unmedicated. My relationships/friendships suffer because of my illness. Is there hope?"
bipolar,"Abnormal to be aware of mania? I've finally gotten to the point where mental health professionals I speak to are now contemplating the chance that I might have bipolar disorder and I even have a differential diagnosis now ""yay"".

One thing that's cropped up as a consistent factor of doubt is apparently just that I'm quite aware of what's been going on. Simply, ""people experiencing hypomania aren't normally aware of it, they just feel fantastic and can't be stopped.""

This doesn't feel like a universally-applicable statement to me. Further discussion it basically turns out that I exhibit enough of the signs of hypomania to warrant suspicion but the *largest* factor ""against"" is just my awareness - and the fact that I've been seeking help while apparently hypomanic/mixed.

How to word it?

I feel like I have a core ""me"" that is my actions and my major presence, but also a transient conscious analytical ""me"" that's able to spot patterns and say ""huh this ain't right.""

So I guess the way I'd describe it is that while ""I"" have been pretty much completely out of control for months, the ""analytical me"" has, to the absolute limit of its capability, kept me in reasonable check.

I've had an absolutely wild time, and I guess the awareness that I'm presenting a negatively-impactful pattern leading to me maximising efforts to get help maybe obscures the whale of a time that ""I"" was having at points?

I feel like my awareness sometimes is a curse, because often it stops at pure background-conscious *awareness* meaning I get to just watch myself nearly wreck my life, but overall it's fundamentally a positive, because sometimes and often when it really matters it creates a platform for self-control.

I don't feel my awareness has any bearing on the validity of my symptoms, or their correct identification as the mood instability they represent. Not sure I fully understand how the act itself of actively seeking help for a problem that's risking this lovely life I've built keeps rearing its head as the core reason I haven't had much or any help.

I *wish* I could be blissfully unaware rather than teetering on this constant knife-edge of control.

I don't know what my point is"
bipolar,"Bipolar Rage. Please help. Any advice greatly appreciated. I am struggling with this symptom more than anything else. I am so quick to go from 0-100 f***ing raging. I am a nasty, screaming, horrible person to live with. And I hate myself for it. I'm trying so hard to overtime this. Nothing seems to work. It goes as quickly as it comes and I just have to scream and swear and smash things until its exhausted itself out of me. And then I feel like an absolute bitch and so guilty. I've tried all the usual stuff, meditation, mindfulness, stepping outside. Nothing seems to be working. Pretty soon I'm just going to up sticks and leave the family because they don't deserve this. I'm too scared to mention it to my psychiatric nurse. Does anyone have anything that has helped with this kind of thing? I'm on 75mg of lamactil twice a day. Nothing else.
Sorry for the mistake post. I don't know who else to ask."
bipolar,"My mom was recently diagnosed with COVID-19. My boyfriend just left me today. I lost my job, I have no friends and I'm at the end of my rope. *SEVERE TW* My world is falling apart yet again. Over a decade of this pain and torment. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I have two brand new blades and bandages and I wanna rip myself to pieces. 

I don't know what to do. I can't keep living life like this. I can't go on like this."
bipolar,“I Am Not Me Without You” painting 2nd painting for my coming back to making art 🥲
bipolar,"Bit of a lurker but I had the most unnerving conversation over New Years. “Do you really want to take medication?” “You can’t really be yourself on medication”

“Are you sure you want to be bipolar the rest of your life?”

“Remember that really bizarre thing you said while you were manic but I won’t believe you were manic?”

It’s been a year since I had the worst manic episode I’ve had (slightly drug induced) and in two weeks it’ll be a year since I was hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a broken hand because I punched a door hard enough for the bone to pop out of my hand. That’s besides the fact I pretty much forgot my name by that point. Oh, and there’s a video of me shooting a firework out of my mouth going 80 mph down the highway. It was a fun kind of mania but I lost respect from people and lost my girlfriend so yes, I’m kind of over remembering it. 

You know what the opposite of what I wanted this New Years? To be stuck in the room with my friend who just kept on pestering me about the legitimacy of what I struggle with. “You’d be fine without medication” you know what? With counciling and a stable lifestyle probably. But unfortunately I’m in college, it’s stressful, and I can’t manage myself. You don’t know what I go through. 

“Are you sure you want to struggle with that for your entire life?”

I’ll say here what I said to him. I was in denial in high school. I was in denial early college. Back then I didn’t do drugs and I was a pessimistic isolationist so it was easy to manage. Now I smoke, drink, and take vyvanse so I need to manage myself more. Two weeks of severe mania was all I needed as proof. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t kill myself in a car crash. Luckily this time I didn’t think about suicide because of all the new people I’d met in college and just knowing mom would be sad. 

DO NOT TRY TO BRING UP WHAT I DID WHILE MANIC. 

I STILL CRINGE WHILE TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP AT THOSE MEMORIES. 

TWO WEEKS INTENSIVE COUNSILING AND A VERY GOOD PSYCH GOT ME HERE. DO NOT TEAR ME DOWN. 

/rant "
bipolar,"[34f] Blew up my perfect life. semi older throwaway here, forgive me if i've broken any rules. I'm still new to posting.

not sure if i should be posting here, or relationship advice, or divorce, but i guess i'll start here because i believe this led to the situation i find myself in. 

​

This is a long one, but I desperately need help, support, input, advice...whatever I can get. So if you make it through this, or skip to the TLDR, I am insanely grateful for you.

​

I am sitting here, devastated, destroyed, and completely inconsolable. I haven't been able to sleep more than 20 minutes at a time, I wake up constantly with fear, anxiety, always having had a horrible dream. I haven't been able to keep food down for six days now. The first four days i didn't / couldn't eat at all, until i started having noticeable heart palpitations, and forced myself to eat something. I'm still throwing up multiple times a day. Throwing up is a usual symptom of my anxiety, but this is not normal. I keep the tv on, cause it feels like i'm connected to something, but with nothing playing. I can't hear music, everything makes me break down immediately. even the most trivial shit. I guess this is crisis mode.

​

I'll attempt to explain how I got here, which is a story i'm sure some of you are familiar with. I was diagnosed as bp2 when i was around 21. I'm 34 now. At that point, I don't think I'd ever had an actual manic episode, and I've always felt like bp2 was a blanket diagnosis they were handing out to everyone at the time. Regardless, over the next decade I tried various medications and therapists, always on and off. At some point in my late 20's, I started having what I believe are actual manic episodes (and I'm sorry if I'm using incorrect or non current / medical language). They would come once, maybe twice a year, and last maybe a week or two. I would overspend, overdrink / party, and exhibit other reckless behavior. Always followed by a crash, and pretty bad / sudden (to me) depression. The last really bad one i can remember was around 2014. It lasted two weeks. But since then, if at all, they must have been minor, since I've gone through a good amount of emotional issues / trauma and was only depressed / anxious (not manic).

​

In the last four years, my life changed dramatically. I fell in love, moved to another city, and got married. We were married this july. It was not easy in the beginning of our relationship (around 2015). We both have our issues. He deals with depression and anxiety disorders. I also do, but had it pretty much under control, aside from some depressive episodes (usually surrounding fights between us or other emotional stuff i couldn't cope with), and then just standard anxiety based stuff. We were apart for almost a year, he moved out, had his own place. But that entire time, we were still in contact, seeing each other, and being intimate. I couldn't move on, I didn't want to. I knew this was the man I was supposed to be with, from the second I met him, even if he wasn't ready yet. So I waited until he was ready. It was the hardest time of my life. I was depressed and triggered constantly.

​

Eventually he was ready, and I moved to another city (where he had moved while we were apart) and we bought a house. He started going to therapy and did a lot of work on himself to better our relationship. He learned to communicate, and just generally became a better partner. There were still issues, and fights, but we could usually stop them from escalating, and were able to talk to each other as equals, and figure out how to resolve them.

​

Our life wasn't 'perfect', no one's is. But it was as close as I felt I could achieve, obviously there's always room to improve. We had a beautiful house, in a great area, with two dogs. We had freedom, we did what we wanted, we went where we wanted. I trusted him implicitly. I had finally gotten to a point where I knew he loved me, and felt truly secure in our relationship for the first time. The thought of being with anyone else never even crossed my mind. I was (am) so in love with the person he had become, and mostly had always been deep down. He was a pain in the ass sometimes, but so am I. He was loyal, generous, kind, and would do anything for the people he loved.

​

He has a job that requires him to be away from home for a day or two at a time, and then have a few days off. I have a job that requires me to work late nights, and travel to other states / cities  (but only twice a week or so). The rest of the time, If he's at work, I'm pretty much alone at home. Sometimes he would go to work with me when he was off. We would go out together. Sometimes I'd go to our regular spots alone if i just needed to be around people. It wasn't unusual, I always told him, and he never really had an issue with it - except that it annoyed him that i'd sleep late when he got home in the morning. I've always had insomnia (since a child) / trouble sleeping / slept late my whole life. I've gotten better but overall it was a 'minor' issue I wanted to work on for him. I thought it might be linked to my usual depression (at least recently). 

He did the same when I was out of town or randomly if i couldn't go with. We knew most people working in the places we went to. and it was constant 'hey, where's your other half?!' when one of us was out alone. It was normal, and there was trust. 

​

One year ago tomorrow, I lost my dad unexpectedly. I don't have any siblings, or any family here other than my mom. I've never really 'dealt' with emotional things, or taken time to 'process' them . In fact, I'm not even entirely sure what that means. I've pretty much always had a 'brave face' attitude, and just wanted people to think I was fine. And for the most part, I was. I had a few expected breakdowns in the week after the death, and my SO was there to help me every time. But I just sort of put it away and moved on. Life is busy.

​

In July, I had an abortion. We weren't ready for kids (and unsure if we wanted them). It was somewhat rough, and I thought I was having a bad miscarriage leading up to it (threatened miscarriage apparently - we spent all day at an ER). I know it affected him emotionally and it was hard for him to go through with me. But again, life is busy. and I had no time at all to stop and 'deal' with it.

​

We were going out of the state the next day for my dad's delayed internment service - if that's what you call it. We had a memorial service at home when it happened, but didn't do the headstone thing until July. We decided to get legally married (at a courthouse) while there. Our actual wedding was planned for october of next year.

​

So the way things lined up, in a three day span, was surgical abortion procedure, married next day, dad's service the day after. It may sound insane but it just happened that way. Obviously the pregnancy was a surprise and that was the only day they could take me. The marriage we had been talking about for a while, just to 'get it out of the way', all while planning the real wedding. There was some minor tension surrounding the 'real' wedding because it ended up being more expensive than we initially anticipated / he wanted. But overall, he was fine and we talked about it pretty often.

​

A few months following the abortion (apologies for being semi graphic), I had a really bad crash - seemingly out of nowhere. It was like the heaviest wall of depression I'd ever felt just collapsed on me in a matter of minutes. It was almost like my subconscious felt it coming, and was trying really hard to protect me from it, but in the end it couldn't. It was like a fucking avalanche in real time - that's how fast and sudden it felt. I had been slightly angry / irritable leading up to it, but I wasn't yet conscious of the depression itself. So it hit me. and I just remember him looking at my face when I got out of the shower, and I was just a shell. I felt like the person was gone, and I must have looked like it too. He immediately knew something was wrong. So I told him. 'I don't know what's happening. I'm crashing.'

​

I know it was so sudden and unexpected for him, because he kept asking for reasons, and I had none. All I could say were the immediate things I could come up with in the moment. I was grasping at straws and trying to find a way to make it seem rational. So I said some things that had been bothering me recently about our relationship, which I now know was just my irrational anger and resentment, trying to rationalize, I guess. He was upset and angry and thought I was blaming him, and told me I needed to get help, and see a therapist. (we had been discussing / planning on seeing a couples counselor before our wedding - not for any major issues, just to better our relationship). But now, he said that I needed to see someone on my own before we went together, which I thought was fair. I shelved it for a bit, but was actively looking for someone that was a good fit / takes my insurance etc. It was a few hours of talking / crying / confusion.

​

The day after this happened, I got my first period since the abortion (apparently it takes a few months to come back). I instantly felt so stupid, like was all that just caused by hormones? Was it just PMS? I don't have a history of PMS / unusually bad emotional issues surrounding that - just bad cramps). But I thought, if I had just waited another day to have that meltdown, or alert him to it, I could have just brushed it off as hormones and moved on.

​

What he didn't know, and I also wasn't aware of (until after), was that I had had an extremely bad manic episode leading up to it. I know now, the worst in at least 5 years. I don't know how long it lasted. But I know that I went out alone to a local spot, like I've done a million times before, with no issues. I got very drunk, which I usually do not do alone. I'd usually have two beers, and maybe a shot with a bartender friend, and go home. It was just a chance to be around people for a bit and 'bullshit' as it were. Nothing out of the ordinary about the scenario, except for my brain. This time, I was drunk. A guy started a conversation with me. I went to his hotel. I cheated on my husband. I destroyed my life. And I barely remember it, which I don't know if that's better or worse.

​

Then, shortly after comes the aforementioned crash. Things are fine with us for a while. I was mildly? aware of what happened, but ashamed and swore it was the illness, and not me. I would never ever do that willfully or 'consciously'. Not after everything we'd been through. He was, and is, my whole world. Not in an unhealthy obsessive way. I loved our life together, I even told him that during 'the crash' when I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I did research on abortion / hormone triggered mania / postpartum depression / etc. Just trying to find answers. I looked for a therapist that specialized in bp.

​

On Thanksgiving day, early in the morning before I woke up, I guess he had a bad feeling that was planted by something irrelevant the night before. What happened the night before was really nothing, he thought i should have been 'more upset' by something minor that happened. I just truly wasn't bothered by it. But he thought that meant I was hiding something. Maybe I was, subconsciously that caused me to 'under-react'. He went through my phone, which we legitimately did not do to each other. Obviously we knew eachothers passwords, there were really no secrets. He saw the older texts from this random person. I didn't even have the number saved. I never knew anything about him, any social media, etc.

​

He threw the phone on the bed, which woke me up, he was upset and saying 'you fucked someone else. i can't believe you fucked someone else.'

​

I was stunned and silent. he grabbed clothes and some of his things and left. He texted me 'I want a divorce, I expect your cooperation.'

​

That was the worst day of my life. Hours later, I panicked and called him a few times, and texted him with no response. I would normally give him space and leave him alone, but this was different. I called a crisis hotline four times that day. I contemplated suicide. At one point, I had a gun in my hand, but when I pulled it from the safe I realized there was no cartridge in it, and I didn't know where it was or how to load it. I know now I (don't think) I could have actually done it. But in that moment, alone, I can't explain the sheer terror and panic I felt. I had to call my mom, who had come over the day before to help me cook three huge casseroles for thanksgiving at his mom's house, and tell her what happened. The shame is beyond bearable.

​

Since then, two days later, on Saturday, he texted me in the morning and said he wanted to come get things, and talk to me, but wouldn't do it unless my mom was there, and that he had already talked to her. I assumed because it couldn't escalate badly with a third party there, and 'practical' things about the house (which she helped us buy).

​

He came, my mom gave us some space to talk. I was so paralyzed with anxiety that I couldn't speak first, so he did. the first thing he said was that he forgives me. but he wasn't there to be convinced. He wanted to a divorce, he didn't want to involve lawyers, and wanted nothing from me. He wasn't interested in getting sucked into a 'mental health crisis'. He was already looking for a place to live. I instantly turned into a hyperventilating, apologizing, disgusting mess. I tried to explain what I thought happened, without trying to make it seem like I wasn't taking responsibility. It's not an excuse, and that's the hardest thing to deal with.

​

He said he feels terrible, and betrayed, and that while he's not in tears, it comes in waves...but that he can't imagine how bad I feel. and he's right. It's beyond describable. I begged him to just not divorce me, let me try to get better and prove that I'm committed to working on myself, and making it better. My mom attempted to interject her experience with me, since she's experienced it with me since before I was diagnosed. He didn't want to hear it.

He said 'People get divorced all the time.' and I said 'but they also don't. they also work it out all the time.'...

​

For me, the fact that we're married is a reason to work it out. For him, the fact that it's so early into our marriage is a good thing, like 'thank god this happened now and I know who you really are, so I can get out now.'

​

He said that if I needed some time to process it, he would give me that. But basically that was it. He took clothes and documents and left. I remember touching his arm as he walked by me in a doorway getting his things, and breaking down thinking it would be the last time I ever touched him.

​

A bit later, he asked if I would be gone later he'd like to pick up an extra couch we had so he had something to sleep on. I said I could leave, and wanted to make it as easy as possible for him. I apologized for my inability to be 'normal' around him. I don't want to push him further away by having a full blown meltdown every time he needed to get things from the house. A few minutes later, he was asking for information on the guy. Name, phone number, instagram. and said that would be his last text if I lied. I told him a name, I never had any social media, and that I had since deleted the number (it was never saved as a contact). I completely understand his severe hurt, and wanting to know. I tried to be compliant.

​

He said he didn't think he could ever forget what I did. and couldn't just brush it off as 'well that's just my manic wife, that's what she does'. and that he would never be in a romantic relationship with me, or anyone with my 'lifestyle' again, lesson learned.

​

I tried to stay calm, and in the end, I just said 'I don't care if I die at 90 waiting for you. I will'. I will commit the rest of my life to fixing this hurt that I caused. I completely fucking destroyed my life. For no reason at all. and me telling him that the guy was a nobody probably makes it worse. because as he said, he must have been important since he was worth our whole future.

​

He also said 'I don't know what you're telling people, but I hope it's the truth, because I am'.  I've only told 3 people, outside of my mom. One of them is a couple, who are mutual friends. He had already texted the guy, and said that he was sorry but he wouldn't be going to their wedding next year. I would never lie about the reason, but obviously I am extremely ashamed and disgusted. and there are plenty of 'friends' in my life who would not understand, or that might take some sort of joy in hearing this.

​

In the days since, he reactivated a long dead instagram account. he had deactivated it long ago for a few reasons, but it was causing some issues in our early days. I know he's angry, and lashing out, and wants to hurt me. which i deserve. It killed me to see that pop up. Although I need mine for work, I deleted it for the first time since 2011. I don't even care about work. I'm sure I will get questioned why, I just can't pretend like everything is okay on the internet when my life is in utter shambles.

​

The only friends I've had in this city since we've been here are him, and his brother in law. who is obviously not speaking to me. everyone has their own life, and no one wants to harbor a heartbroken mess of a human being who can't talk about anything else, or go anywhere without breaking down. everyone just needs to live their lives, and I get that. I don't even deserve to feel relief, or forget for a moment. A friend told me to come be with him, but they were going christmas tree shopping. I hid in a corner of the lot and cried my eyes out. And then again in target when they were picking out decorations.

​

He has a good support system, close friends, and good coworkers. I've tried so hard to stop myself from reaching out to any of them. Especially this one coworker / mentor who really loved me / us together. I thought maybe if i could just try to explain, there would be someone to understand, or a voice of reason telling me it will be okay. But I know that's probably crossing a line. It's hard to know that everyone in his life sees me as an evil person...It's probably helpful for him to hear support saying that / helping him to know he's making the right decision by walking away.

​

Tomorrow is one year since my dad died. My birthday is in three weeks. Christmas is days after. Then new years. We had so many plans. I was so happy, and so content for the first time in my life. so was he. Its four huge gut punches back to back with no room to breathe. I had the most amazing personalized (to our life) art painted for him for christmas. Now I  just look at it and cry.  I shouldn't care about holidays, or birthdays. That shouldn't matter. I shouldn't put pressure on any particular day. When we were having problems years ago, he felt I was manipulating / pressuring him because it was the holidays. So I'm just trying to stay quiet, and just be in pain.

​

I don't deserve, and can't even handle any semblance of joy or celebration. It would all be completely feigned. I have lost my actual best friend, and that's all that matters. no one else in my life is a placeholder, or even comes close to him.

​

What makes it worse is that I was so looking forward to this christmas season with him, because the holidays were so hugely important to my dad. he loved decorating, picking out a tree, all of it. But I can't do any of it. We have year round lights on our house that i've turned off. He also loved my husband. He didn't get to see us get married, but my husband was able to ask for his permission to propose before he died. And my dad loved him so much, and called him son from that day on. I even feel I've let my dad down immensely.

​

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist / psychotherapist appt. I've also joined an online bp support group that meets tonight (and several others throughout the week), and another local one that meets thursday. He also told me he was going back to therapy because of this, starting tomorrow. I'm just praying that maybe that person can help him see that it can be worth working on. My parents were married 49 years, and my mom filed for divorce extremely early on, for the same reason.

​

I waited for a year, when he was unsure of what he wanted, and welcomed him back with open arms when he was ready (and each time before that). I know he doesn't feel it's worth working on right now, and I can't imagine the hurt and anger he feels.

​

He just texted me that he drove by today (while I was at another new dr for a consult) and saw that I was gone, so he came in and grabbed some things. I pulled in the driveway in a panic. I feel that will keep happening little by little until there is nothing left, but photographs. This entire house is memories of us. He said he wanted to come by tomorrow and get the couch, and an extra table we have. Which means he's already found a place to live. and I've lost him. I won't have any idea where he's living, and I can't bear the idea that he's completely over our life together in just 5 days.

​

I don't have any idea how I will be able to cope with that tomorrow.

​

TL;DR - had a severe manic episode (I believe) triggered by hormones / abortion procedure. cheated on my husband. he left, wants a divorce. I am trying to deal with the fallout of what I caused.

​

Thank you to anyone who made it this far, who has been here before, or can comment on the situation at all. I need it."
bipolar,"How suddenly does mania or hypomania end for you? I've been hypomanic for weeks starting to turn manic, and last night I got tired and now I just feel dead. I'm wondering how long it usually takes you guys to crash? Trying to figure out if it's a normal crash or a drug withdrawal crash."
bipolar,"Which most accurately describes your relationship with nicotine? Similarly to schizophrenics, people with bipolar reportedly use nicotine at a higher rate than the general population. It seems like none of these studies can really explain why. I wish I could have multiple questions to survey more accurately but feel free to drop thoughts below if your answer doesn’t feel completely true or if you would like to provide the reason you believe you use it.

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/n5m9qt)"
bipolar,Bipolar Hey everyone so i was wondering what you guys/girls would think so i’m thinking about maybe not taking my anti depressants and just taking my Bipolar Meds and to see how i’d feel but i’m not sure what do you guys think i should do
bipolar,For those who are experienced an controlling or managing their symptoms How do you handle the onset of depression and Anhedonia an manage it to keep your job? What do you do when you are in the middle of the worsening part of depression an you still have to work? How do you make it work?
bipolar,"Not sure what to think Just found this group and am super happy to find something like this. Not sure if I’m up or down, and feeling so apathetic and not sure why I do anything. Anyone have any advice?"
bipolar,"Bipolar with binge eating problems? Hello! Is anybody out there suffering from Bipolar and binge eating? If so, what do you do for it? Any advice? 
Thank you :)"
bipolar,"DAE get super irritable? Like I don’t know what is going on today, but everything is annoying me today. Traffic, my doctors office sending the wrong prior authorization, my boyfriend never cleaning the house, and school. Like I’ve been annoyed since I woke up like I feel like I’m manic because I didn’t sleep and I feel like I’m rushing around trying to get everything done even though I have time, but I’ve never been this annoyed at everything. It may be exhaustion too. I worked 65 hours last week then class today then I work 50 hours this week."
bipolar,i feel like imposter because i dont want to use meds and i hate them and that makes me feel like i dont really have symptoms of a disease cause i dont want to be ”cured”
bipolar,"Putting my mania to good use I’ve been stuck in a depressive episode for what feels like eons and finally have found myself manic again within the last few weeks. Besides all the negatives of being manic, I’m using all this newfound energy to clean up the roads all around my town! 

I’m a very active person and love hiking/walking, however, I haven’t done much walking in ages from how poor my mental state was. Now that Ive transitioned out of that state, Ive become infatuated with cleaning the streets (I live in a very rural small town) around my house of all litter and recycling whatever I can. 

I’m a big on being environmentally conscious anyways and having all this motivation to do this makes me somewhat happy.

Doubt this is relevant to anyone but I’m currently awake at 8am after not sleeping all night because my mind is racing and I have so much to say yet nobody to say it to lol!"
bipolar,"I want my meds to work like they do in commercials, but only the first half... Most start out with someone staring out the window, at a rainstorm, in grayscale... Then, there's that swing to a major key...

""But, you don't have to live like that anymore. Help is on the way with sunsclaritine."" 

Switch to a slightly soft focus of sunrise on the beach, and our depressed actor going out, finding a significant other, and laughing down the beach... There may even be running, a little shoving, other relatives, friends etc... 

But then, as all this starts getting really happy looking ""The Guy"" starts the warning label... 

Sunsclaritine is not for everyone. Ask your doctor for more information. Side effects may include increased anxiety, bursts of mania, new or worsening depression, thoughts of suicide, feelings of dissociation, memory loss, or confusion. Let your doctor if any of these symptoms happen. Sunsclaritine may also cause psychosis, epilepsy, paranoia, split personality, trouble speaking, and uncontrollable facial movements. You may also experience an odd taste in your mouth, sensitivity to light and sound, anal seepage, incontinence, restless legs, inability to sleep, decrease in libido, loss of balance, decreased appetite, and bruising. If you experience any of the following, contact your doctor immediately, and get to urgent care: uncontrollable shaking, decrease in body temperature, new or worsening rash, dark urine or black stool, jaundice, trouble speaking, sharp pains in your abdomen, as these may be life threatening issues. Do not stop taking sunsclaritine, without consulting your doctor as this may lead to severe seizures, or death. This is by no means an entire list of side effects. If you cannot afford your medication, pharmonational inc may be able to help you.  

Sunsclaritine. Rejoin life. Love and live again. 


"
bipolar,"Am i manic rn? Been feeling the good effects of sertaline (zoloft) recently, felt as if my dose needed to be uped, went to gp they said give it more time. Im on 50mg so recently ive been taking 150mg but i feel as if im starting to get manic, im back to abusing benzos and alcohol everyday, i feel good as fuck like i haven’t before in a long time. Im taking dumb risk by going 80mph in 30 zones. Driving while im absolutely fucked. Making some absolutely stupid purchases and have just been way more outgoing & my mind is constantly racing. Anyone have any information on if sertraline can cause mania?"
bipolar,"Does this site let in awful family members? I want a reddit board that is just for us, not guilt-trippers"
bipolar,"Mood tracker app recommendations **Thank you for the recommendations! I downloaded emoods and Daylio and am gonna compare. Thanks!**

Do you have a favorite mood tracker app? Too many to go through. I just need one that allows me to do a check up three times a day - morning, mid day, night and then converted into an intuitive chart."
bipolar,"Help with coping mechanisms cw: sh Hi I have bipolar II (diagnosed in the last year or so but have shown symptoms my whole life).

I recently moved back in with my parents and as much as I love them it’s been a hell storm. My mom and I are such different people and we argue about everything and when I’m manic I just get so agitated. It’s like I have the ball of energy in my chest that’s telling me you have to do something drastic. During these times I’ve randomly broken up with partners, driven hours away with no destination, spent wicked amounts of money recklessly, intense sometimes scary sex, etc. (classic stuff.)

But recently because I’ve been fighting with my mom so much, I’ve reverted back to some habits I had when I was younger. When I had episodes as a teenager, I’d just punch whatever I could get my hands on that would cause me pain and that would lessen the feeling. I’m scared I’m eventually going to break something in my hand because I’ve been doing it on and off for years (always some pretty bad bruising but never a break [i think]).

I’m trying to find things I can do to alleviate that intense feeling of too much energy without hurting myself. Any suggestions?"
bipolar,"How do you guys differentiate effects of medication and improved confidence from inflated self-esteem? Lately, I’ve had quite an upswing self-esteem wise and I’m feeling a lot better about myself. It’s like I’ve stopped tolerating bullshit anymore and I frankly could care less about others. I went from being at an all time low following a breakup, crying every day, feeling like I’d never be able to function again and other chaotic stuff in my life, to just becoming more appreciative of the way things have turned out. I can’t believe I’ve wasted time feeling so down about everything because of things not being the way I want them to instead of making them happen. I can’t tell if me being quarantined has had a positive or negative effect on me, but it’s left me with more time to do all the stuff I’ve ever wanted to. I dropped out of my major and got accepted into Med School, got put on new medication to manage mania and upped my dose of antidepressants. Things finally seem to be going my way and I’m spending more time drawing, writing and listening to music etc. I will never accept less than I deserve. Like I don’t need anyone but myself. I feel great, but I don’t know how much I can trust it. Generally, when I’m manic, I find this far more unpleasant because I grow tired of it pretty fast. Is this what being normal feels like?"
bipolar,"I'm worried I'll be forced to take a medical leave in graduate school Exactly what the title says. I'm in my last year of graduate school and have completely dropped the ball. Between the pandemic, the economy, poverty, and dealing with trauma and panic my mood has been all over the place. I've been in a depressive episode basically the entire semester and have been trying to get out of it but it's just not working. No matter what drug I take it just stays low. 

​

I've been talking to my school's disability services and they have started to mention a medical leave as an 'option' for me. The thing is I just can't afford it. Taking a medical leave is a luxury. Me, I got on welfare two months ago. I just can't afford a medical leave financially. I'm trying to get through this but it feels like life is sand pouring through my fingers. 

​

Sorry, just had to vent. I feel lost and helpless."
bipolar,"Whoa.. I'm feeling too sad today.. Didn't want to go to work. Was lying in bed delaying getting up when a memory popped up from nowhere. After my father died, my mother said he came into her dreams and told her to train me to take care of my little sister. This happened many years ago. That made me aware of my responsibilities again and I got ready for work. But I feel like a zombie today.. a sad zombie. Totally zoned out. Life gets too depressing without warning. Apart from the daily dose of guilt, shame and anxiety."
bipolar,"Today my manager pulled me aside to ask how I was feeling. It was the most cared about I have felt while working my entire adult life. Honestly the whole event made me emotional in a positive way and I felt that it was worth sharing. 

A little preface: I've known that I have bipolar for a while now but I've refused to be labeled as ""disabled"" so I've avoided being diagnosed like it was a death sentence. I was convinced that knowing my problems are just symptoms would allow me to push through and be ""normal"". Lately my symptoms have been getting worse and it's become difficult to work due to feeling physically ill whenever I leave my apartment (goes away as soon as I'm home, very frustrating and makes me feel like a deadbeat) and having low concentration affecting my speed and work quality. I'm now on my third job this year with none lasting over a month. I had to abandon my carpentry apprenticeship due to this as well. It has finally pushed me to pursue medication and hopefully ADA accommodations. 

After talking to my therapist she believes I have a comorbid panic disorder which explains why I'm sick constantly. I've managed to control the anxiety through meditation and mental exercises but it's had almost no impact on my physical symptoms. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication later this month, and I'm optimistic that treatment will go well now that it's my decision to go for it.

Now for my story: after having all the signs of a major panic attack yesterday (for no discernable reason) I talked to my manager without going into too much detail and went home halfway through my shift. I was dreading going to work today because I'm used to being belittled and guilted for having nothing wrong with me. I've been labeled as merely lazy with a weak will for years and after a while you start to believe it. When my manager pulled me aside as I was walking to my station I was definitely feeling the panic set in again as I was expecting a write up or whatever.

Instead of giving me shit for leaving early, she asked how I was feeling today with genuine concern in her eyes and voice. I was taken aback and replied ""not great but I've been worse"". She said she'd check back in with me in a bit. Less than an hour later she popped up and asked if I'd like to go home with no punishment for attendence. She wanted me to drop in by HR first because my employer has a few programs to help people like myself find accessible treatment. When I told them I have appointments set up already they outlined everything I would need to do for ADA and told me to drop in if I ever needed to talk to anyone about my working difficulties.

I've never had an employer go out of their way for my health before. I walked out feeling like a million bucks!"
bipolar,"You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go. When the movie ends, what happens? All the storylines are resolved. Conflicts are resolved. There is peace. Terrible, tyrannical peace.

I could write an entire article on tyrannical peace. But for our bipol purposes, we don't have to go that far. Just peace will do.

Bipolar folks are conflict incarnate. So when you reach the end of the movie, and everybody has peace, where does that leave us bipols?

I find myself in this exact position. It's been a helluva road, but I'm finally DDS (Diagnosed, Dosed, Stable). It took a road I'm not proud to have traveled, but I'm there. Haven't been any form of inpatient in months, and the psych has moved me out to 3 month check ins.

Also, I responded to the loss of my job in what seems to be a unique response - I plummeted my expenses. So, there are no financial concerns. Sounds good, right?

Yet, all the dragons are dead, and all the villages are burned. What do I do now?

All the monsters I can slay have felt my justice. I have nothing left to do. And I've checked! I've tried the usual outlets. Excercise, therapy, psych, social(kinda), volunteering, nothing.

The things that have guided me as a child, I have accomplished. I now have no guide.

Bonus upvote if you caught the title reference!"
bipolar,"Abilify? Any good experiences with Abilify? I was prescribed this today after no luck with several others, but I read a lot of bad reviews so I’m nervous to start it."
bipolar,How are you on Trintellix? I was recently given trintellix I’m wondering if anyone else can tell me their experience? I’m concerned it’s expensive.
bipolar,"Bipolar Cycling Is it common to have two consecutive hypomanic episodes with a 2 month period in between? until now it's always been depressed, hypo, depressed hypo back and forth."
bipolar,"Newly diagnosed bipolar 2 Hey there, I’ve recently been diagnosed bipolar 2 and I’m having a hard time with it. Has anyone ever felt maybe your making it all up and/or making excuses for your illness? My life has been a roller coaster (I’m 25 now) and my life has been affected by this but I can’t seem to “accept it” I think to myself maybe I don’t need this or maybe I’m lying but I think back as far as I could remember and how unstable I have always been.. making poor choices, no sense of self/direction, alcohol/drug co dependence, reckless behavior, depression, etc..but it’s still hard for me to accept it :( wondering if anyone else is going through this or has?"
bipolar,"recently diagnosed with bipolar, any coping tips? hi! I’m really new to this reddit but I was diagnosed with bipolar abt a month and a half ago after switching to a new psychiatrist. I’ve been having the worst time trying to accept it, cope with it and even live with it despite it being pretty obvious I’ve probably been having undiagnosed bp until my new doctor. 

I haven’t been able to see a therapist or really talk abt this because of the current pandemic so I feel very very trapped. I even stopped taking my meds for bipolar because I felt like I’m faking it all since I can’t really admit to myself it’s all real because idk anyone else in my life with bipolar, so why am I stuck with it? It feels very lonely, so I’m hoping some of y’all in this reddit have any tips on how to cope with coming to terms with my diagnoses and how to handle my lows and highs (both of which are usually pretty extreme) until I find a therapist. Sorry if this all doesn’t make sense.. just needed to put this out there in hopes of someone maybe reassuring I’m not insane for feeling like this lol"
bipolar,"Anyone else trying to taper off? My goal is to be med free. I’m following the regimen from the withdrawal compass web site by Laura Delano. I’d like to connect with others also going through this process. It’s getting bumpy for me other here. I’m jumpy, and not very settled. I hope this doesn’t last. I am now on .5 of abilify, but if things get worse I am prepared to go back up to 1 mg. Argh, I was doing so well. I believe once my sleep normalizes again I’ll be ok."
bipolar,"I'm so fucking lonely Just like it says. Im so fucking lonely. Ive been trying to ""fake it"" and be happy. Fake it until you make it right? But ive been down so long now I can't pull my shit together and theres no body to talk to."
bipolar,"Sleeping and mania What do you all think about sleep schedules as they relate to mania? Because I feel like I can better manage my manic symptoms if I’m more tired, i.e. I get about 6 hours of sleep instead of the typical 8 because then im not as overly energetic throughout the day as much.

Just curious on others thoughts, knowledge, etc."
bipolar,"Tell me your recovery story from your last manic episode :). My last manic episode lasted for around 3 months and I was In hospital for most of it, I was very delusional and I was very destructive. It pushed away a lot of friends, broke some bridges and of course made for some embarrassing flash backs for when stable me returned. 

After I left hospital I had the usual come down of being manic and that lasted for around 5 months which at the time seemed to last for a year. After coming out of the depression I stopped smoking weed as I finally admitted to myself that this was a huge trigger for me. Because I quit weed my mind seemed clearer and less foggy so me and my family grew closer again, in fact something I remember my dad saying to me when we was having a beer on his garden in the sunshine was “I feel like I have my son back” 

Finally feeling a lot better than I have in perhaps a decade and a half plus a year out of hospital I started the look for a girlfriend again. Surprisingly an old girlfriend who I always remained friends with liked the change in me and we started dating. We’re still together and we still are madly in love.

I’ve just recently gone full time at my job, which is something I’d never dream of doing because of stress triggers.

In comparison to my friends in terms of milestone in life and material things my accomplishments seem small but to me I feel like I have achieved so much, a healthy mind, a close family and a loving girlfriend. I feel like I have a future now, it doesn’t seem so bleak a scary."
bipolar,"Are the tides changing? (AKA: How to Sleep Without Sleeping Aids?) Hey y'all!

I wanted to ask, how y'all best get sleep without sleeping aid/Trazadone/etc.?

I've been going through a depressive episode since October, and the last few weeks had been a mix of me sleeping all hours of the day. Literally, would nap at 2PM, just to wake up at 5PM, and go to sleep 'officially' at 7ish to wake at 11AM, etc. Cue all other symptoms of crippling depression.

But, lately, things have changed. First, I was starting to regulate my sleep, and get up around 7AMish and get more of an average of 8-10 hrs a night. Then, overnight, things changed. I couldn't read up to 10 pages of academic readings for weeks (have some incomplete finals papers to finish), and then all of a sudden I knocked out 170 pages this past Wednesday. Been reading on a similar pace since. I've been hanging out with friends more, and especially reaching out; on Friday, I reached out to 12 different friends, made study-outside plans, lunch plans, did 2 video chats and 3 different hour+ phone calls. Two nights out of this week, I got 2 hours of sleep; I spent the first night searching all over reddit subforums and even stepped out of lurking mode and made my first post. I had to FORCE myself to sleep.

After the first night (4AM-6AM), I was so groggy and napped all through the day. But, second time it happened (slept from 2AM-4AM, I still had energy to do 100 pages of reading and notes and meet with friends and walk throughout the city. Last night, I only slept about 4.5 hours. And each time this happens, I try SO HARD to sleep, but my eyeballs literally can't stop blinking. I woke up at 7ish today though, unable to get back to bed. I don't feel tired once up.

I feel more hopeful these days, and have these sudden 'breaks' with the never-ending dread/bleakness I'd been feeling this whole time. Even, that dread is lessening itself.

​

Soooo....I say all this to (give background, yes), but to say, should I be scared I'm entering a hypomania? Or just edging out of the depression? How do y'all get yourselves to sleep at night, preferably without drug aids? I've tried ASMR vids (that usually knocks me out), but it's a sign since it's stopped working. I don't want to add sleep aids since I'm still depressed, and oversleeping helps me keep in that 'stage' easier.

I'm also terrified that this could end in a mixed episode, which was the reason I got hospitalized my first time. It's NOT FUN. (None of this ever is, but....mixed episode with psychotic features, rather leave that alone.)

​

To anyone who's read this far, please HELP!

​

**TL;DR:**

how do y'all best get sleep without sleeping aid/Trazadone/etc.

Currently depressed (been since October), but possibly seeing signs of hypomania. Don't want a mixed episode, also want to nip this possibly oncoming one in the bud. But, am I looking too deep into it? Maybe I'm just getting out of depression?"
bipolar,Tegretol and lithium. Anyone take one or both of these? Any info. On them would be greatly appreciated.
bipolar,"Help needed!! Okay so basically my significant other is suffering from Bipolar disorder and it has gotten to the point of her straight up telling me that “she needs help” 

I was obviously very sadden and heartbroken to see her in such self turmoil and knowing that she’s aware of the situation and she just can’t control it. She’s such an amazing and loving individual and to watch her struggle like this tears me up.

I’ve decided to take it upon myself to become informed on this mental illness and to try and help myself understand what she may be going through or basically what I can do to help her and to be a support system for her. Currently she seems to be embarrassed about this and just apologizes to me when she has an episode so her talking to me about what she goes through is kind of like prying in my opinion. I’d rather be there for her instead of prying and drilling her for what is going on. 

If anyone has any sort of literature that I should read or could point me into right directions I would be extremely grateful, because right now she’s hurting about it and I don’t want to sit idly by while she goes about gets help she needs. THANKS ALL."
depression,"I hate this I’ve been depressed for around four years now, and I’m currently on the upswing, granted I’m still paranoid about getting ‘low’ as my family calls it. My mom especially always wants to know what she can do to help and I don’t have an answer, I never have an answer. 
Okay, this post is going to be a little scattered I just have to get this stuff out there. 
I went through about a year to a two years where all I wanted to do was kill myself I plotted out how (overdose on my moms pills as she has a lot for many health problems that were previously just left out in the open, now are in a lock box) and when (about two am so everyone would be asleep) I never did it though, I had tried to cut myself (never left any scar luckily) I have even tried to figure out how to hang myself in my room, and that’s why my mom will never get me a ceiling fan. 
It’s been about a year of therapy and I’ve nearly been admitted once, and I think I should have at least twice in my darker times. I have gotten so close to doing it, I’ve held the bottle in my hand, just staring at it. I’ve opened it and touched the pills. 
I never did it obviously. 
And I haven’t told anyone about that. 
It felt selfish to put the bottle down. To make my family have to put up with me more, always asking what’s wrong or why are you crying or why are you mad at me  
I DONT KNOW. 
I don’t understand
I’m a kid that never got to be a kid. 
YEARS of my life are gone because of this stupid disease. 
I fucking hate this. 
I hate this brain 
I hate that it will never be cured 
I do love my family I and I know they love me but sometimes I still wish I had never put down the bottle.  "
depression,"Think I’m doing better, then get hit but sudden, intense wave of depression I’ve been depressed my entire adult life, so I’m used to feeling down. Lately I’ve been trying to improve my life, but every time I make a change or think I’m having a good day, I get hit by a sudden, intense wave of depression. 

Like I landed a job interview and was happy because I’ve been out of work for a while. Then I felt almost suicidal because I thought I won’t get the job any way and I’ll never land a job and I’ll alway be poor and miserable. Nothing seemed to trigger that idea, it just came and overwhelmed me. 

How do I stop depression from hitting me like this when I’m trying to make things better? 

I’m in treatment for the depression and take medications."
depression,"I got some help.... I hope this is allowed I read the rules and I Dont think it breaks any ? 

But I did it, I reached out to someone, my sister and she helped me to get help for my depression from a doctor. 

I've been suffering for years and got treatment In the past but the last 18-24 months has just broke something inside me, I don't care anymore the only thing I even get up for is to care for my animals. I called her because I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't sleep properly, either ate nothing or binged myself, didn't care for myself, had panic attacks when I even left my room. 

I tried before lock down to go to the doctors and my appointment got cancelled and moved to a phone appointment, I have a huge fear anxiety around phones and couldn't do it so I've just got worse and worse waiting for face to face appointments to come back but they never did. 

I tried 6months before lockdown but they just dismissed it as my depression cycle and gave me pills that I told them didn't work, and never bothered to follow up.

My sister called and set up a phone appointment then answered it and did most of the talking for me while I tried to control my panic attack, I did speak a bit and the doctor I got was lovely made me feel believed and that my problem was real, she's put me on new meds for both anxiety and depression and helped me self refer to therapy coz apparently doctors in the uk arnt allowed to refer people to therapy anymore incase there forcing them to go when they don't want to. Anyway it's a long wait list and may be a phone appointment (why always with the bloody phones 😪) but my sister agreed to help me get through it.  

I don't feel any better but I have a plan now, so I suppose that's something. I might try have a shower tomorrow it's been a couple of weeks, maybe it'll make me feel......something. 

Any way I just wanted to share to say, even if you think no one cares just keep trying, not like theres much left to loose, and you might just find one person who can help."
depression,"… I really dont know anymore… dont know if i wanna move on and do better things with my life. I dont want to. I dont want to do anything. I dont wanna get up. Just feel like im constantly doing things just to pass time, or doing things because i dont have a choice. I need to leave and do something completely by myself and what i want to do. But idk wut that is. Feelin stuck. Also pretty sure i have adhd. My teacher has talked to me about it as well as my older sister and my coworker who has adhd. So yea thats new ig"
depression,What the hell Actually had an interview today after the interviewer being an hour late for a bull shit job I need for now was qualified and ready to work but no call back I've about had it with all this shit I'm a good person why does all this shit keep happening to me
depression,"Question to whomever knows, So for background. My family was never the type for emotions. They weren't supportive. Anything physical contact was a no-no. Didn't have to many friends growing up. So to put in short I dont hug people or show any physical affection whatsoever. And there's this girl I really like. We've been friends for a while, and well. She tried to hold me hand while we were out and I freaked and pulled away. Now she says she needs space. I am ok with it, but I'm not used to physical affection or anything related or similar. Is this just me not used to it, haphephobic maybe? I don't know. I want to, but its really uncomfortable."
depression,"Dad died, difficult to process/grieve/heal My dad died over two months ago, memorial day. He was only 56, and it was completely and utterly sudden, non covid related. 

I find myself unmotivated, unable to work, and not able to properly process everything because of the stay at home orders. I set up three weeks to take time away from work, but it'll be caught up in a vacation with friends and gf (that will distract me from focusing my grieving if anything). I was originally going to solo drive to chicago/other places to reflect, but my mom needs sudden surgery (minimal risk but still a good amount of recovery time) and now I will need to be at home. 

I so badly want uninterrupted time, for up to 4-6 months to reflect, drive, do nothing, but logistically it would be impossible unless I want to blow my savings and punch a hole into my career track. 

I've never felt this way before. I feel like life will not be better than when my dad was still alive. I feel unmotivated in my career when it gave me a lot of drive and purpose before. I wish I could hit a reset button in many aspects of my life."
depression,"Getting out Does it make sense to want to have some form of acknowledgement of an issue before you can move onto being *not* depressed? 

I feel as though it's something that's more perceived as just whining but honestly having that feeling of acknowledgement of an issue would help so much in having a natural progression to something more normal.

I'm not sure how much of this is just nonsensical, but I was recently put down for sort of attempting to respond positively to someone reminiscing by like, putting myself down almost. That kinda made that person assume I was trying to make myself seem special or something, it's not that I don't want to be a part of everything like a normal person - a term I use for lack of a better one - it's just I can't approach the situation in a way that would feel emotionally natural...? I don't even know how to put this"
depression,"Alcoholism I’ve become an alcoholic. I used to drink just on weekends but now I’ve started drinking everyday. I just can’t sleep without alcohol. I’m 25, I have a okayish job and a girlfriend who doesn’t know that I’m bi and she thinks I’m a monogamous man. It all feels to much. Alcohol is the only escape I find. I don’t want to be a drunkard and drink my life away. 

It all started from bullying in school to college and at work place. I feel I’m not good enough for anything. People around me always fed me that I’m inferior. The inferiority complex has taken a toll on my physical and mental health since school. 

There are no psychiatrist available here in India. The ones available charge a fee that nobody can afford. I can’t talk to my parents they don’t understand what I’m going through. Every day is a battle I’m fighting. I’m stuck and I can’t get outta it. I just feel that death is the only solution, it’ll take away all the pain."
depression,Invisible I feel invisible. I am 31 years old. A teacher. Single. I’m coming out of the worst 2 years I’ve ever had. Job sucks. I’m ready to find something else. Coming out of a 10 month relationship that wrecked me. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. Things just don’t seem to work at all. I wish my family and friends would notice me. I don’t think it would make difference if I were gone tbh.
depression,I can't remember people. I dont remember people from my past. Even my recent past. I haven't accessed my Facebook in two years and tonight I finally did. I simply dont remember the people there. I was never one to accept requests from those I dont know so I should know who all these people are but I dont. 
depression,"What are your favorite methods for suppression of anxiety neurosis and depression(no drugs) Mine is : sleep, video games, long walks and bike and TV shows."
depression,"Is there something wrong with me? I feel like the world hates me. Everyone at school talks bad about me and its starting to take a toll. I'm losing myself. I want the old me back, the happy me. I post memes and try to act happy, but it just seems to just numb me for a little while. I've tried to end it all twice, but failed. My boyfriend tries to cheer me up, but it doesn't help. I just want to feel happy again, I want to feel stress-free for the first time is 3 years. I just want to be free, I feel like i'm trapped in this cage that just reminds me of all the horrible things I've done. That shows me that the world would be better off without me. I need someone to talk to. My self-esteem is really low. Literally everyone at my school calls me ugly, thot, whore.........so many names. I just want the pain to end........"
depression,"I’m very ill and seem to only be getting worse and I hope I don’t make it I’ve wanted to die, but I don’t want to disappoint my family and friends so at least they won’t have to live with the fact that I killed myself. "
depression,"A literary piece of my recent life experiences. (Note: I've made this last Christmas eve at a time when I was so down suffering both physically and mentally. I still struggle but I am not entirely sure if I am at a better state or not but I am still hopeful.)  

​

I am life. I am love. I am light. I am pain. I am struggle. I am real. I am me. When the mind gets sick, the body gets sick. It is like a tango when one goes the other goes to waste. I am here owning my space and time to destroy my walls and so you can watch me naked swimming in my beautiful and ugly truths. My eternal struggle comes forth between the cherubims of affection and the demons of anxiety transporting me to a world of madness. My walls? I am enslaved to them because what you see is the thickest mask you will ever see that even I forgot who I am. 

There is a bird in a nest with a mother protecting him from the eagles. The mother prevents him from taking his first flight as she prefers him safe in the nest so she continues to feed him till he’s big. One day, the mother left and she never returned because she was eaten. He wondered when she’s coming back so after a few days hungry, he started to take his first flight but since he is old and heavy, he would be jumping from the nest but he just falls not being able to fend for himself, he got eaten. I am that bird. The nest is my comfort zone and the eagles are the overwhelming adversities I will face. A consequence of overprotection. A predicament of an impending doom. 

Behind every face of anger is the shadow of pain. Behind every face of hate is the shadow of anxiety. Pain stabs and pain radiates. Anxiety creeps and anxiety torments. I see in my pain an internal death where I know no emotions or feel no emotions breaking me tremendously like a hundred Humpty Dumpties falling onto the pavement. Ostracized, condescended, ridiculed, bullied, overprotected a billion times over and I see no good future but down, down, down to the hardest-hit bottom I will ever know. 

I ask not for pity or condemnation but for understanding and compassion. I ask not for hate or ignorance but for hope and support. I do not do this for selfish reasons but for an avenue I seek for me to rid of my insecurities, my worries, my anxieties and my fears. The face you’ve seen in me is an attempt to appear strong just to hide my sufferings from all but I see now that my cry for help is a way to be truthful to myself and truthful to others. NO MORE MASKS! I just want to be real. I am as broken as an obsolete iPad or a computer full of viruses. 

My life is at a dead end living in the comfort zone where stress is dealt with every single day and crises of my mind poisoned by complacency. I lack peers instead I’ve got fears. My behavior- immature, my mind- mature. Overprotection? The future of misery. I’m as cowardly as the lion of Oz not courageously asserting my being, my individuality and instead I lie down alone in the dark corners of the world and am enslaved to notorious attachments that weigh me down. Only now with courage do I tell my expressions that my poems cannot even encapsulate. Only now with courage do I show everyone a part of my crisis. 

My body has been butchered with lots of Calories I consume every single day. Butchered by a meat tenderizer. Butchered by poison. High cholesterol, high uric acid, high blood pressure, high blood sugar. They transformed my liver into foie gras (of which cannibals may partake). I ate like a monster with glutinous impulses but that is only a mask. The real deal is sealed with high cortisol- STRESS. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF STRESS! A stress I cannot cope from. A stress I desire to rid of. A stress that destroys my emotions. A stress that puts pressure in relationships. A stress that kills my will to survive. A stress that is a prelude to a dark horizon. A stress that will break me to a million pieces. A stress that attempts to fill the void of loneliness, misery and depression. Pardon my pessimism for I fear being perished. Adapt to the stress and I will become a butterfly. 

I am a wandering free spirit with lots of ambitions and decisions to make. A vagabond of the mind, of the soul and of love. I feel that there are people with the biggest hearts and souls who can help me stand on my two feet and empower me to be the best person I can be. Farfetched? Nah, I need support in the worst of times. A 16 year old Japanese killed herself by jumping into the train tracks because she had no one to talk to. My high school classmate killed herself because she believed that she was a failure. A 12 year old American hanged herself in the front yard of her house due to maternal abuse. A 9 year old African American girl killed herself due to racial bullying in school. Didn’t I say “we are here for each other?” God-willing, I have my hopes for a renewal and for a better 2019. I am very thankful that I am not that desperate and I am very thankful for your care. I am very thankful for the opportunity to make my days great. I am hopeful you will learn something from this example and be empowered and encouraged as we are all blessed beings of the Lord. 

I am life. I am love. I am light. I am pain. I am struggle. I am real. I am me. "
depression,"Nights are killing and days are tiring I just prevented a suicide while planning my own, then went to do it but couldn’t. I’ve been awake for 18 hours now and it’s 5:30. I hate my life so damn much."
depression,"I mean nothing I can't do it anymore, I go out, I cant talk with friends, I hate eye contact, I don't know what's wrong with me, I actually do wish that I can just die out of nowhere without me knowing, I want it to just be over, I hate myself so much, and I'm sure I weird everyone out around me because of how bad I am with socializing, I want to cry so much all the time from college and seeing other people happy, I just can't do it anymore, I truly just cannot, I know that I don't matter, I am a loser who will probably be all alone with no family or friends anymore, I have never felt so meaningless in my life before, goodbye."
depression,"No hope anywhere. I don’t belong in this timeline. My prime is over. If there’s a cure send it my way. But I know better. Lmao. This has been me ever since my dreams were destroyed. I’m 28 and my life is pretty much over. There is no hope. Only pain. Only conflict. Only more agonizing time that goes by. I don’t have people that care. When I reach out, either I get the typical grow up or the cops get involved. 
There is no place for me."
depression,"I hate myself I'm a massive failure. It's so bad that I've become resentful of successful people. I went to college for 6 years with nothing to show for it and then dropped out once it became financially impossible, despite only being a few classes away from finally getting a bachelor's degree. 

I struggle to work a 40 hour a week job, yet people all around me thrive while going to school full time, making excellent grades, and yet still work 40 hours a week. Those who don't go to school often easily put in 50, 60, or more hours a week with ease. They're being successful. They're making their parents and friends proud. They're leaving me behind. I hate myself for it. Sure, I have some issues, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, but it's just excuses. I'm an embarassment, the least favorite child, a failure. 

I'm in my mid 20s and I've never had a girlfriend. A woman has never even touched me. I've never had an romatic interaction with a woman of any note. I'll be alone forever. I've tried really hard to make a woman love me. It's ended in failure everytime. The usual ""just ask girls out on more dates"" ""just be confident"" ""download tinder"" advice has been tried many times and it doesn't work. I hate myself for this too. My friends are getting married or are already in long term relationships. I still haven't found my first one and never will. I'm the biggest loser on Earth. I think I have a good reason to often thing about suicide. The only reason I don't do it is because I'm a coward"
depression,"anyone else lost the ability to relax and have fun? anyone caught up so hard in trying to fix their life? i dont enjoy watching netflix mindlessly, i only go to the cinema as it's a more enjoyable experience, but even then i dont watch films like i used to.

i dont even enjoy playing games, ill play a game and then get bored after 20 minutes.

i feel like i constantly have to be doing something to improve my life. whether that's learning to code, applying to jobs, theorising business plans or planning how im going to refurnish the house?

i dont know if i have depression, i defo used to, but i feel useless as im broke and i feel like i am not allowed to enjoy life until i sort shit out"
depression,"Maybe the the one who is wrong ,is me All these years I thought that my friends were the bad ones for not talking to me or saying hello or asking how I am, they only answer or do not answer but maybe I am the bad one for believing that I deserved the same treatment that I gave them or thinking that at some point I was loved.
Every day I hope they talk or respond to me and when notifications arrive and I see that it was not them, it saddens me later I talk to them or send memes so that they can talk to me but nothing they connect but they ignore the messages.
That coupled with no family support only makes me want someone who can listen to me
But I don't blame them, I wouldn't talk to someone like me either"
depression,"Just some thoughts I dont know what to do or what im doing with my life, im 20, i dropped out of college after one year and i've been bouncing from job to job not being able to keep one for over a year now.

 i know i need it but it always comes a time when i just dont care, i stop showing up or i show up late until they fire me and it all starts again.

Im not gonna i've had some good days, but for a couple of years now they're all the same, it doesn't matter if im working, playing video games, watching netflix or even at a party, i feel numb pretty much all the time.

​

With this i just want to vent and see if someone out there was feeling the same."
depression,"Anyone had these days? Usually, it isn't that swell either.
I can't wait for the evening to arrive so I can go to sleep and no one will bother me.
The past few months have been in a sort of a haze... Time doesn't make sense, neither do emotions nor thoughts. Everything is sort of weird.
But, recently I have been starting to experience days when emotions don't seem to stop messing me up. Days when I can't stop crying and I feel awful, I go 10 steps back in my healing process... I spiral back into the never-ending hole of self-doubt, overthinking, and hopelessness. And these days have been getting more and more frequent.
Has anyone else experienced this? Especially after during a period when you aren't on any medication, could it be withdrawal effects even though a couple of months has passed?
Any feedback would be useful."
depression,"If I had a gun I would have killed myself a long time ago I'm going to be 26 this year and am really done with being alive. I have 4 failed suicide attempts, 3 sexual assaults, and 12 years of self harm all adding up to my years of constant chronic depression. I hate myself so much. I'm toxic to anyone who dares get close to me and spend so much time and energy trying to be a good person to make up for what a trash can of a human being I am. I have borderline personality disorder and severe depression, and . Psychiatric medicine only made my symptoms worse. I've been gaining weight lately because I can't bother to eat healthy even though I was for awhile. I'm letting myself go. It all stems back to the sexual, mental, and emotionally abuse I suffered as a child. I really truly feel like a lost cause and the best way is just to remove my miserable existence entirely. How can you undo 26 years of self hatred?"
depression,"WHY IS THAT? WHY?   
Like half of the population says they are lonely (I am in this half of population btw) but when I want to meet someone or socialize with someone everyone has already plans for the weekend or better things to do, WHERE IS PEOPLE THAT ARE LONELY HUH? I feel I'm ""lonely in loneliness"""
depression,"I'm felling lonely and depress since 2018 In 2018 I was 15 years old and I stared to go to some parties (for first time) and a old friend convinced me to drink alcohol , some weeks later ,the same guy bring up  a cigarette to my house and convinced me to smoke , I was a stupid kid and I stared  to drug (cos I thought was cool) and in the end of 2018 I was  a junkie ,my schoolmates saw my smoking and they dont took in tell about that to everyone in my town , before the whole town called me junkie, and I felt drepress a long time because I through they was my friends . So I decided  to quite the drug ,but they still call junkie I make jokes about that (and anybody want to be friend cos they fear me). In my school anybody talk with my and no one invite me to parties anymore, every single  day that I going to school I boring and feel alone. This whole situation make me be least friendly and is more complicate make new friends to me . 

I don't know what I have to do , I can't tell this to my parents, and they dont want to change school."
depression,"Typical “I wish I had the guts to kill myself” post I’m tired. I can’t handle my issues no matter how minor. I no longer have anything to look forward to and existence is pain. This is such a terrible time to be alive too. People suck and I’ve lost the last bits of faith I had remaining in humanity. I feel like people in general are just selfish. No one seems to want to consider perspectives outside of their own, or educate them selves on important social issues. Everyone just wants to be right and will shut out anyone that does not think exactly like them. The world is just so cold. I’m tired of fighting to have hope, or optimism only to be endlessly disappointed. It hurts every time. I just wish I had the guts to end it."
depression,"I don't want to do this anymore I've always been an anxious person, but my anxiety has just been skyrocketing since the pandemic. I found out my mom had breast cancer last spring, and I've spent months trying to take care of her and stressing over if she's going to be okay. I take care of my younger siblings (both under the age of 6), and try to help them with everything I can, but sometimes it's too much. My other sister (early teens), on top of never helping me with our younger siblings, has been harassing me on my weight, body, and appearance for the past 3 years, knowing that I struggle with my weight and how I look. I've done everything I can to stop it, but my parents just tell me to stop being so sensitive about it rather than make her stop. I found out from one of my online friends that our friend (my best friend) has committed suicide. Speaking of friends, I can't even keep them. I've lost a lot of friends, and a lot more just tell me that I'm ruining the mood whenever I'm having a rough day. I can't sleep and I constantly feel tired. I'm failing most of my classes, and my relatives love to tell me that I need to try harder as my mother has cancer and failing would only make things harder for her. The amount of stress I've gotten has formed into terrible migraines, that make me cry. No matter how hard I try, I'm constantly just watching things in my life get worse and worse.  I hate myself more than anyone right now, and I don't know what to do. I just want everything to get better but things just get worse. I'm so tired of constantly trying and failing, or constantly feeling like I'm alone in this world. I need help, but I don't want to worry those around me, or to have anyone disappointed in me."
depression,"I just don't know what to do I thought I was managing my depression just fine. I had a good few months but now it all just came back. I got stood up on a date and that just completely crushed what little self esteem I had left. That and a new sad song called Dear Winter by AJR came out and I've been listening on repeat. 

I'm just extremely sad right now and I cant even cry. I really want to, I'm even thinking of super sad stuff from my past, but I just cant. I honestly dont even know when the last time I cried was. Is it possible to lose the ability to cry? 

I'm just sick of living. No I'm not suicidal, I would honestly never do that. I don't want to die, but I'm just sick of living. Everything in my life is pointless"
depression,"Well it's About Time Yeah? I'm going to drink myself into a warm nothing with a stomach full of pills. I leave this post for the simple fact of who can I tell that won't try and stop me, that'll even care. So goodnight kids, cause I'm fucking done."
depression,messy rant idk i don’t want to grow up i don’t want to live a normal life i don’t want a job i don’t want to work in a cubicle until i die but i would have no other options i have no talent no friends i’m not good at anything i have no hobbies my life is just the same boring day playing on repeat i don’t want to live like this anymore
depression,"Can you get rid of depression if it has no cause/origin? As the question says. Most people have reasons to be depressed and they'll improve when those problems are deal th with. But if you are depressed without any reason and that for over 17 years, is it even possible to get rid of it?"
depression,Nothing seems interesting anymore (vent) I feel like I’m dragging myself at this point. I used to listen to music on my way to class I don’t feel the need to do that anymore it doesn’t seem interesting and actually makes me feel more alone…
depression,"what should I do I tried to open to my parents about how I have been feeling like a shit. I told them that I have been feeling so worthless and unmotivated for the past 3 months and my mom told me to fix my problems on my own even though I wanted a professional treatment by a psychologist who knows what to actually do. I can't fix myself knowing that I want to die and just stop existing. I have no one to open up. I don't know how much longer I can hold on like this, in this miserable form of myself. I don't get the same pleasures that I got from the things I like to do. It feels like a burden and it is drowning me slowly. Also I have always been the side who listens to other people's problems and no one asked mine. Although I am the one who is fragile, people still think I am kind of a therapist"
depression,"I have people who care for me but, I do not care for myself As text says I have people who care for my health and how I feel but I don’t care for myself at all and hearing it makes me hate myself more."
depression,"Avatar 2 made me depressed I went out to watch the movie because I was a big fan of the first one. No spoilers in this post.

I am a male in my 30s and have no intentions of ever raising a family. I feel like being a father is a privilege and something that you have to really want to do, not something that society or your parents tell you to do. I just never had that biological or instinctual urge. 

Anyhow this movie made me feel like life is pointless without having a family of your own. Like what do you really have if you don’t have a family? It just made me ponder as to what am I really striving for in life if you have no intentions of sharing it with a family? I don’t know if I am making any sense here. Maybe I am just rambling now. 

Maybe there are not many in my shoes so perhaps it is hard to emphasize. I immediately went eating junk food to comfort myself after the movie. What is wrong with me? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?"
depression,"i was supposed to go to a party tonight but it didn’t work out :/ i never did anything this summer (mostly spent all my time in bed) while all my friends were out having fun and stuff. this girl i know was having a party and she invited me, she had 2 other parties before but i never went because I didn’t wanna show up alone. this time though my friends rly wanted me to go so I decided i would and have a little fun this summer. but an hour ago they texted me and said that they couldn’t give me a ride there bc they had someone else going and there wasn’t any room. oh well, im probably just gonna watch some netflix instead :)"
depression,"Anybody on disability? Because of their depression?

Obviously people who have other ailments and end up on disability can be prone to depression, but is anyone on here on disability specifically because of their depression?

I have a bachelors degree, and I’ve left two different graduate programs because of my depression/anxiety. But I can’t seem to stay in a job longer than a few months. I start off strong, excited, etc, but I eventually end up shutting down, calling off repeatedly, and eventually quitting. I’ve never been fired, but I’m worried I’m getting close to unemployable, aside from not being able to attend once I get a job.

I just quit my job today. 

I know it can be a pain in the butt, and is far from ideal... idk... I’d appreciate any thoughts on the matter 

(28F, if that matters)"
depression,"What’s your experience with escitalopram? After a few sessions of therapy, my psychologist recommended me to start medication to assist with anxiety and depression. My GP has recommended me to start escitalopram 10mg daily. I have always been quite scared about getting on any antidepressants, and have read information online about the side effects. 

I am interested to hear your personal experience with this medication and any side effects you have experienced."
depression,"Why ? I have everything to be happy, but for some reason I always find a way to feel like crap and am in desperate need for self confidence. For instance not later than today I showed my crush my darkest side, just to make sure I won't have a chance so I don't regret not telling her. Also sometimes I randomly start hating myself, and most of the time I think about myself I have a random nausea. I hate myself so I avoid sleep (had like 5h in 2 days), and take a boiling shower and then switch to freezing cold just to hurt myself (only non-definitive things cuz I don't want to regret it) I also drink (I'm 15) have a porn/masturbation addiction. I consider myself as a bad person and even if my crush asked me out I d tell her no to not disappoint her, and start acting like a dick so if she thought she loved me, she would no longer do. I have an obsession with grades and feel like i will never be enough (in general). Every day it's getting worst. (I did my best to explain how I feel lmao)

I am not English so if I made any mistake, don't be scared to roast me lol

Also this probably has nothing to do with depression but I felt like this community would understand me...

Wish you the best and cya xoxo"
depression,"TW: suicide, self-destruction Hi. No critical situation here and I'm not a native speaker.
Does suicide feel like an ultimate self-harm for any of you out there? 
I never really had a problem with the world. Well, maybe usual things, but it was mostly situational and managable. I only always had a problem with myself. Sometimes I hate myself so much I want to harm myself and destroy everything I love/like in the most painful way possible. I always hated myself, even though for nearly 5 years I thought I was past it.
 I generally love being alive, it's interesting, even though it's relatively hard and I get bored easily. I don't think I ever really thought ""life's not worth it"", but there's almost always ""I'm not worth it"" in the back of my mind or in the front. And killing myself feels like another punishment for existing. I love being alive, ""I deserve to suffer"", I love all the little stuff that I can't force out of my life (textures, how light falls etc). Yeah, I do drop into ""nothing matters and existing feels too painful, so I should just end it somehow, don't care how, please, make it stop permanently"" from time to time. But even in that state, there's an undertone of ""I don't deserve being alive"". 
 It basically goes like that: ""I hate myself and I love being alive""—> ""I don't deserve nice things and deserve to suffer, therefore I don't deserve being alive""—> ""killing myself would be extremely painful both physically and emotionally and it would stop me from experiencing nice things permanently, it will stop the pain too, I know I deserve to suffer, but I can't handle it""—> ""I want to kill myself"".
 Can anybody relate? Does it ever stop? I hate feeling guilty for being alive."
depression,"23M Realizing I'm still struggling w/ my state of mind I never post things EVER, but a few days ago I performed in an event that I won't bring up to save myself from exposing my vanity. But this event, I ended up being first in the event which was a surprise to me. It didn't occur to me until after everyone was asking me how I stayed motivated that it came to me that if I failed I would have to think about how much I hated myself. I can't stop thinking about it.

​

This made me remember how much my depression had a grip on me which I was doing a really good job at ignoring. Idk why I wanted to post this but I can't imagine a reason not to post it because who cares anyways. Lol ok good talk thanks for coming to my TED talk, gnight luv."
depression,"im lonely i want someone, anyone. doesn't have to be a relationship. i don't want someone to force themselves to be my friend. i want someone that will equally enjoy my company the way i enjoy theirs."
depression,I've resigned to suffering alone because I ran out of people who care about me Everyone either dies or leaves and I refuse to go through it all again. 
depression,"went on a picnic with a prostitute and broke down crying Took an escort on a picnic date. I spent hours preparing for it. I went to buy a picnic basket, a blanket, a stereo, cards, flowers. I went to 3 different places to get food. I got sushi, cake, milk tea, crackers, cheese, fruit. I went to the park and laid it all out and made it nice for her. When she got there she was gorgeous. I was really nervous and giddy at the same time. Embarasssing. I just couldn't stop smiling. I was living the fantasy of a 14 year old girl. Only I was a 27 year old man. It hit me like a truck when I realized that. I felt terrible. Like I missed out on my youth and was too old to do this stuff anymore. Not only that but I'm a man. I'm not allowed to like this kind of stuff. I thought to myself ""she must think I'm such a creep."" I began tearing up in front of her and ultimately cried into her boobs. She seemed confused but not that confused almost like she was used to it. I couldn't even enjoy the picnic after that because I was too embrassed. Feel ashamed of myself.

TL;DR: I feel like I missed out on young love and it's devastating.  And I also feel like a beta male. I'm ashamed of myself."
depression,"Advise would really be appreciated i don't know if i am suffering from depression and i don't like to be the person to make a big fuss out of nothing but i just feel like a lot of these symptoms represent how i feel. The thing is, i don't feel like someone who's depressed because some things still make me happy and i can still laugh. But i never have the motivation to do anything in life besides sitting inside watching tv, gaming and when i hang out with friends its just to sit in their room and smoke weed. I almost always wake up very tired, and after 4 maybe 5 hours that fades away and i feel better. When i'm tired it feels like im just an emotionless person. I always stress myself out about a lot of small things while i still am not the person to care a lot about big stuff, it's like my priorities are completely f'd up. I used to think it was just me being tired and a while back i had a period where almost everyday i woke up for school i had to throw up in the morning so i kinda thought i was just in a bad period of my life. I'm still a happy person when im watching shit or playing games but besides that i don't enjoy life that much anymore. I am a social person but i almost always make up an excuse to stay at home.

I've had some suicidal thoughts, but no real intentions of killing myself just me stressing about nothing. I've become somewhat scared to do some things that are not scary at all because im afraid i will get nauseous for no reason. It all feels like a mental thing more than physical because thoughts pop up that i cant let go off and they make me feel a certain way. It's not a weed thing either because even in periods where i don't smoke i have this problem.

I don't have trouble sleeping, i'm just always tired with bags under my eyes. I might have restless leg syndrome which i will get checked out Friday but even if i do have rls, i dont feel like my problems would fade away if i got treatment for it. Sometimes i just look at the future and feel like i'll be a fuckup for the rest of my life because i don't have the motivation to do anything usefull for most of the time

I still am convinced i'm tired and not depressed but i wonder if it's worth checking out.

I would really appreciate if people could help me out because i don't want my life to be like this."
depression,"Fuck everyone and everything at 17 I've never been raised right due to one of my parents being a schizophrenic who sleeps most of the day and has tried to kill themselves multiple times. even though my other parent works most of the day, I come home to a shitty neglected household everyday and don't even bother inviting friends over as a result. I would much rather die than live out some shitty career where I don't stand out, yet I don't have the work ethic to be anything more than that. Why am I so fucked? I have friends, but only because we smoke and drink together.

first time I've actually considered suicide has been these past two days when my I came to terms with the fact that I will never again have a normal conversation with my schizophrenic parent, someone I once idolised. of course no one relates to me, we all have our own shitty problems, but that doesn't change the fact that it's best for me to just end it at this point. 

only a few weeks ago I had a heart to heart conversation with my sibling that we both felt that we wanted to do something special with our lives, and I truly believe that my sibling will, but I don't have the mind, or work ethic to do anything with my life."
depression,"I just want to disappear. Did you ever had the feeling like the universe is conspiring against you? These past five years have been absolutely fucking horrible. I mean one year is fine but five fucking years, man. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everytime I try to stand up, something is always pulling me down. I ask myself what have I done to deserve this shit? 

I just want to pack my bags and go somewhere I can start over. I just want to ghost everyone I know and start over. Is it selfish of me? Maybe.  I think it would be better for everyone. I admit I’m toxic sometimes but I try to be better whenever I see myself lashing out on someone. 

Maybe I just need someone to talk to. Someone who I can go home to and talk about my day. Someone I can hold hands with. I don’t know. Fuck. I hope this streak of bad luck ends now. "
depression,"I dont know how to help my boyfriend He is really struggling with his depression and i dont know what to do, i want to help before it's too late. (We are both minors if that changes anything.) "
depression,"Doing everything I can to beat this and nothing is working Tried Wellbutrin and it fucked me up even more, started therapy last October and I feel like she isn't helping and sometimes makes things even worse. I work out, have good grades, go to work and get my shit done WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? I feel like I'm gonna be this way forever. now my friend is telling me I'm exhausting because I don't always text her back and don't want to go on this weekend fraternity getaway thing. what the fuck do I do??? she practically bullied me into going and when I told her its been rough for me lately she just didn't say anything. I feel so depressed and anxious just about everything I'm so lost I don't know what to do"
depression,I want to develop a drug addiction Just what it says. I'm tired of being so functional and capable. I want to have people worried about me for once. I want to dance with death. I want to check out of life's responsibilities. Lol.
depression,"Please help me My girlfriend told me she used to cut herself in her recent past, but she doesn’t believe me when I tell her I still think of her the same way and love her as much as I did before. How can I help her? I’m scared she might start cutting herself again."
depression,"Feeling depressed I am feeling really down, due to work. As I was sexually harassed and assaulted by a work colleague, I went to hr still pending. However, I went to a new location due to this as the people were toxic making arguments and adding to this they are from same culture so they don't like anyone except them in there group. I never felt so low at a job, until this workplace. I am now moved but sad I have to commute more now, just to look after my wellbeing. I just don't know what to do with my life and I feel trapped in this job that I cannot breath."
depression,"I can’t tell what’s wrong with me and I’m not sure if my antidepressants are the problems Lately I’ve been thinking that my antidepressants are causing me brain power issues or something idk, like I struggle to remember things and can’t seem to focus on what people say to me properly. I feel like I’m just stupid and go no chance of becoming successful and following my career path into finance/accountancy. I just really wanna know why it feels like my brain is operating better, it’s like it’s slow or unresponsive, someone help I really don’t know what’s wrong and I’m shit at explaining sorry"
depression,"Help! I need to get over this. So ever since i have been like 18 ( 28 now), I created this fantasy of turning/ going back in time and fixing my mistakes.  I literally will get stuck in my head trying to figure out exactly where it all went wrong, like if I figure it out time will be instantly turned back to that exact moment. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been depressed but it got worse when i graduated high school. I used to spend hours laying on my bed daydreaming of the past and how I would change it if I could go back. Sadly, I still do this to this day. Its time consuming/ mentally exhausting and it really makes me not be able to concentrate because my mind would rather daydream/ wonder. Its really hard for me to stay in the present/ think about the future because it brings me back to my past mistakes/ missed opportunities. I guess I need help getting out of my head."
depression,"My boyfriend deserves better.   We've been together for three years, and friends since we were children. I love him so much and hate that he has to deal with me. He has to drive me places because I can't due to bad anxiety. I have panic attacks he has to comfort me from. I go days without showering and barely ever clean our apartment or do any of the cooking. I don't have hobbies anymore. He's going to college, has a good job, a savings. A future. I have no money saved, no education and I work retail full-time. I cry before almost every shift I hate it so much. 

 I picture him with someone beautiful, independent, and talented. Someone that isn't too anxious to even speak to his family.  On top of everything, his mother said he shouldn't marry me until I get ""better."" That hurt so much. But it's the truth. I just don't think I'm ever going to get better or be good enough. At what point do you let someone go because they deserve better? 

 I want nothing more than to spend my life with this amazing, selfless man. He says he wants a future with me and that I have ""imposter syndrome"" in our relationship. I just think it's the truth and I'm really worthless. I just don't see how someone can love me in this horrible state and still be happy."
depression,"Any other students out of school due to depression? I haven't gone back to college since 6 months after a mental breakdown. I just can't find the resolve to go back to the place that caused me infinite stress and anxiety. After having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, what was supposed to be a little medication period turned into 6-month depressionfest hole I can't get out of. It's 2019, and I've been studying since 2013. My parents are really pressuring me to graduate soon.

I just wanted to know if anyone else here is in a similar slump as I am and how you're dealing with it?"
depression,how to deal with low energy? I have such low energy. I’ll plan out my goals but then once I get home from school/ work I can’t bring myself to anything. No amount of caffeine helps. What helps you guys with energy? I’m tired of going throughout my day like a sleepy zombie.
depression,"I'm tired of being tired. Around this time last year I found a girl that I fell in love with.. she would talk to me and help me out.   
we would watch movies, play games and go work at a old ""haunted"" mansion..   
I really fell for this girl.. Her family accepted me and treated me like a member of the family from day one.   
I got her anything she asked for, and I tried to make her happy, but in the end I was not happy.   
I did love her, don't get me wrong, but I didn't love myself..   
about five months in I started to feel more and more distant from her, but I ignored those feelings.   
When we hit six months her mother wanted to go out to eat with a volunteer from the mansion, and one of my ex's friends went.. her friend and I never really got along.   
after we ate we decided to go to ollie's or whatever it was called, and they have a claw machine.   
my ex's brother asked for a dollar for it.. I didn't hear my ex say no, so I gave him a dollar.. not a big deal right?  
well my ex's friend thought otherwise.. she made a big commotion in the store, and then it's all my fault.   
A few weeks after this my basement flooded out, and the first person I call was my ex (gf at the time) and I break down..   
I call her in my time of need and I just don't know what to do.. everything I owned was ruined.   
Then I realized that I don't have the money to fix anything.. and the next day she breaks up with me.   
I gave it about a month and I tried to fix things with her, but she just blocked me on everything.. She must hate me or something.. A few months pass and I try to find a job in my area.. I stay up all night every night for months and I hear nothing back from any of them... sometimes I wonder why I even try anymore.. Whenever I find hope life just fucks up for me. The best part is my home insurance isn't going to help with my basement or anything..   
I don't know why I am posting this here.. I guess because I don't know where to turn.   
I'm just used to being tossed like trash I guess."
depression,"Thanks you all. I've discovered this sub today, probably because I didn't want to before. I'm 23, yeah it's still young. But for the past year I'm no longer myself. I used to be alive, doing stuff and things all day. 
Now I can barely hold a day without having a mental break. I used to paint and play, but I can't even focus on it for more than few minuts. 
My depression cost my girl, my friends, my family. Because none of them understand. Because they couldn't stand the frighten, broken man I turned into. I cannot sleep very well, I just wait to pass out from exhaustion. 
Every time I watch myself in the mirror I just see a broken version of me, who gain weight, except on the face, with eyes who lost their will. 
I didn't feel human contact for a year, not a hug, not a kind word or normal conversation. But still I am here, telling all this to a bunch of strangers who have a similar issue.
It's the first time I manage to write this, but it doesn't really help. 

What does is to know that you are all here, with sometimes similar issues. That all of you know what it's like. And seeing others sharing... It helps. It helps knowing I'm not mading all up like the rest use to tell me. 

So thanks you. From what's left of me and my heart, thanks you all for being here. For sharing. For speaking to each other. 
To live with it, and yet, managing to find the time to help others. 
Thanks you."
depression,"Looking for advice on my relationship I know this skint relationship advice but I tried over there and no one responded so
so me and my girl have been together for just over 4 months nearly 5. for the first 2 months everything was fine and we both absolutely loved each other to bits. after the first 2 months i started getting very depressed again for the first time in over 2 years and some people could say it was over her as she is  depressed herself, anyways after the first 2 months of being all fine when i was getting sad and depressed i would go into these moods where i wouldn't care about anything not even if she was balling her eyes out on call and stuff. when i do be in these moods i start think about the bad things about our relationship, such as fighting very often over small things, and other dumb stuff like that but there is some actual bad things that i just try not to bring up to her. but the other day i was in one of them moods but i really wanted to end it, i thought itd both be better for us without each other  but she finally convinced me that its gonna get better n shit like that so i didn't. but when im not in them moods im like really loving and caring for her and i just want to make her happy and im so happy around her.

Any Advice Is Appreciated  "
depression,"Quick question about mental hospitals Do the mental hospitals choose your roommate? Or is it random?
I was admitted last month. Just curious. "
depression,"Just fucking don't I'm coming out of a pretty rough depressive episode that took roughly 20lbs off me. I'm still at a healthy weight, just a fair bit skinnier than I was. My boss today could not stop talking about how I was too skinny and it really pissed me off. I'm not ""too skinny,"" and I'm really uncomfortable being reminded that sometimes I struggle to even fulfill the basic human need of adequate food. 

Part of the reason I lost so much weight is because I'd realize that I hadn't eaten enough (or at all), calculate roughly how many more calories I'd need, and then get overwhelmed and give up. I'm doing better now but still struggling to eat enough and I really didnt need my boss digging into me like that. 

Summary: don't dig into someone for losing weight, you just don't fucking know and just fucking don't."
depression,"Upon finding out some horrible news a few months ago, I habe been spiraling i to depresion. I found out that the people in porn aren't married..."
depression,"Just a small question. Yesterday i got into an argument with my boyfriend... It was about me... Not being able to do laundry, dishwasher despite being the whole day at home... Then we tried to calm ourselves and made a game what we think the other person should change... He wrote me these:
Cleaning the house, To dress up better, Acting childish, To save more money, More playfull and ""feely"" sex.
Every one of them fits me and i can only think about other things that are wrong with me... But... Somehow i wasn't able to write a single one about him... 
Why? Does anyone have an idea? Just why?

(English is my second language)"
depression,"The Temporary Friend Ever since highschool ended I feel as though I'm a temporary friend. A friend they have when they're in a bad place in life, then when life gets better for them they forget about me. My best friend doesn't tell me when she's in town anymore even though she says she really values my friendship. Co-workers that became really good friends with me stop responding to me once they've found newer friends. My old highschool friend group all hangs out with each other with new people, then I find out that I was never invited and they do it all the time. Am I bad at making friends? Do they pick up on my anxiety sometimes? Am I honestly that forgetable as a person? Hopefully I'll make some friends at my local Adventures League."
depression,"I don’t care about myself anymore When I try to think about a time where I was happy I honestly can’t. When I was in high school I was “happy” while starving myself and self harming. In college I was “happy” with an adderall addiction, heavy drinking, sex addiction, and restricted eating. Even when I was pregnant I only remember fighting with my boyfriend. When I gave birth, I was so numb from the pain medication that I didn’t even feel myself give birth at all. My whole life just feels numb. 

I cut my hair really short so I don’t have to think about it. I bought baggy clothes so I don’t worry about what I look like. I bought those bagged salads that you dump in a bowl so I don’t think about eating. I just don’t care about myself anymore. The only thing keeping me here is my son. 

I stopped taking my Zoloft because, again, I don’t care about myself. I cancel on my therapist because my appointments are always at the times where my son needs me. My husband is kind but I’m so hyper aware of my short comings as a person that I just assume he is always annoyed with me. 

Will I always feel this way?"
depression,goddamn i’m so fucking depressed and useless i cant do anything but sit around all day and cry and sleep and waste my parents time and energy and money. i want to do something like get a job or at least volunteer or better myself as a person but i can barely wake up for school every day. i’m so fucking useless i don’t know what to do and i don’t even have the energy to kill myself. fuck.
depression,"sliding back sucks I know I did make good progress. Going to therapy and a self support group for half a year now really helps me and there have been some pretty good weeks since. 
But now I didnt have therapy for three weeks because my therapist was sick/on vacation. Country is in lockdown again since 4 weeks and just got renewed until at least February and all of a sudden everything seems to just suck again. Theres no distraction, I have no motivation, every day feels more like a struggle again. I miss meeting friends, I am feeling worse and worse and I hate it. I know its normal even while recovering that theres ups and downs, and its not my fault, especially with all the circulstances that I feel more depressed but it just sucks so much to have these depressive thoughts and feel this hopeless again when I thought I began to at least partly leave these things behind. Its so fucking exhausting and demotivating."
depression,"My life is just a empty shell For some time now i have this undiscribable feeling of emptiness. Things like doing stuff with more than 10 people is stressing me out. If i am on a party i'm rather on my phone than socializing with others. Only if i am with my gf i feel safe but i can't tell her how i feel cause i'm scared. I also thought about just dying and asking myself if anyone would miss me or what would be the best way to end myself. I find it hard to motivate myself over little things and feel like having no energy. The only things weich bring me joy are my gf and my sport. But sometimes i feel like getting crushed by the pressure of my hobby ( i train 5 times a week)

I know all of this sounds stupid but maybe it helps me."
depression,"I wish I would nearly die. Jepp, read that right.
Steven King was in a bad car accident and only after really buckled down in life.
Some people see that ond ugly photo and say,now is the time to lose weight.

I never had that. I am not able to just start and do it. Dieting works 2 days at the most.
Getting up early and get studying does not even work in the first place. Even an accountability partner only helps sometimes.
The only thing that gets me out of bed is paid work, where I could get fired if I were not to be there.
So I stay in bed 26 hours a day and waste my life away, waiting for that cruel wonder to happen to me where I realize that I am worth something.


I don't really know if I am seeking advice or a friend or some validation here..."
depression,"I'm exhausted. This is unbearable If my 15 year old would look at me now that kid would gag. I am 25. still living with my parents, struggling to finish my degree. No relationship. Ever. No idea what my future holds. Debts on my back. 


I read somewhere that people who suffers from depression lack psychological needs that make living worth it such as feeling like you got a future that makes sense, feeling like you belong, feeling like your life has meaning.

I think that's why so many people from around the world suffers from it no matter the class, gender, wtv."
depression,"I know the past cannot be changed, but I cannot see a way forward. Hi Reddit.

I see all of your posts, and I relate to all of them in some way. In fact, I sometimes imagine myself meeting you and acting as a best friend to you. I envision myself encouraging and empowering you to forgive yourself because you are perfectly beautiful and whole just as you are, and that your life will get better.

So why can I not do the same for myself...? 

Here is my story:

I am a male (31), and I have been tormenting myself mentally for nine years now because of ONE stupid and careless decision I made in 2013.

I was on track with my life, following my dream and my passion. I was about to go to graduate school, which would have been fully paid for.

And then I had a mental breakdown. I thought the world was going to collapse because of what I read on the internet, and my depression kicked in and I saw everything I was working towards as POINTLESS.

And so I abandoned my career, cut ties with all my friends and my network of professional references...and I ended up having to move back in with my parents. I am still living with my parents nine years later, and cannot forgive myself for abandoning my career.

I have not been able to recover since. The depression still lasts to this day, and it has gotten worse. I was even presented another excellent opportunity in 2018 to get my life on track, but I ended up sabotaging it due to my low self-esteem and self-confidence, which was a result of negative momentum through my careless decision in 2013.

And so I have become the exact person that I knew I never wanted to become. I have been working menial jobs all these years, because I do not see any way I can recover. I cannot reclaim the past nine years of nothingness, and I will never receive those same opportunities again.

I have wasted my potential...I could have done so much to help make the world a better place, and to help others.

And I do not see any possible future opportunities being even remotely close to what I could have had if I only stayed on the path I was on.

I cannot see a way out of the pain, even though I know that the present moment is where one will find peace. I can extend forgiveness, understanding, and compassion to my self and my past self, and I can reach a place of acceptance...but this does not change the fact that I RUINED my life because of my foolish decision in 2013.

Believe me, I know all about the power of meditation, diet, exercise, therapy, and hobbies. But even all of these things do not change the past...all the years of misery because of one panic attack in 2013. 

At 31 years of age I now feel useless, under-qualified, and under-developed. Any new potential opportunities I can find will not be the same as the ones I could have had, which could have given me a wealth of knowledge, job experience, financial stability, and positive momentum.

I just cannot see a way forward, because I will always have these NINE years of nothingness that could have given me positive momentum to build the life I wanted. 

Yes, I may be young, but that does not change the fact that I could have accomplished so much in these nine years.

Rebuilding a life takes time and effort, and I know that sometimes we need to reinvent ourselves. But I have already gone through nine years of pain and debilitating depression...I cannot wait any longer for another opportunity (I am actively working on the re-building part).

Maybe when my hard work does finally lead to the kind of opportunity I want, and I do not sabotage it this time...things could get better. But at this moment...I cannot see a way to let go of the past, because it influences EVERY aspect of my shitty life. The consequences will always be there.

I truly believe that no opportunities could replace what I could have had, and my nine years of nothingness do not given me the positive momentum to be where I should be at my age (with my own standards).

Thank you for reading, and I would be grateful for any insights. :)

***TL/DR: I ruined my life in 2013 with one stupid decision out of panic that I believed the world was going to collapse, and I have not been able to recover since. Nine years later...I cannot see a way to let go of the past, and I do not believe that there is a way for me to move forward. No future opportunities could replace the ones that I sabotaged, and now I have wasted nine years that could have been filled with beneficial experiences to give me positive momentum.***"
depression,"Psychiatrist told me not to come back. Immediately followed up by the requisite for her license  ""of course I'm happy to treat you, but...""   


I complained to her that her fee was the lions share of the drug price, like $3/day.     She suggested I go to family practice instead.  

I tried to say I wasn't taking the pills religiously because of the cost.  I was looking for her to write more than a month or two.  


All she did was renew the prescription I said wasn't working so the visit was pretty much a waste of money anyway.    I haven't bothered to pick it up yet, so I don't know how long it's written for.  She told the receptionist she wants a two month followup,  but then told me ""just cancel it a few days ahead of time if you follow up with someone else instead""   I don't think she can write without scheduling a followup.   Not sure if that's her protocol, or some requirement. 

Not that I really thought she was helpful, nor that anyone of her ilk would be helpful, so I guess she has a point. Why bother wasting my money with her?  How much does a script from GP cost?

I'm so disappointed in myself for not getting written for something different.   I'm not sure I want to try something different.    Now if I want something else I've got to pay another couple hundo.   Such a waste.   This is why it doesn't pay to leave bed."
depression,"People with the virus can’t feel spice or sourness, meanwhile I can’t feel anything at all I’ve just become so depressed and numb to all the bullshit in life. Seeing others who have such great families and friends, living on more than comfortable income with good looks and bright futures, smart, scholars, as if they’re struck the genetic lottery when being born. How is this reality fair to good ppl who don’t have any of those? How do u have faith in religion when you’re following through an abyss with no light at all? How do u find meaning or purpose when u have none?"
depression,"Even waking up is too much On a day to day basis I stuggle to even get the strenght not to just break down in the middle of the street, life is a pain and has been for so long. I wish I could see a way out but even therapists can't help. My best way to stay at least not so self destructive was talking about my problems to the only person I trust but I started feeling like my issues weren't going away or getting better while I also brought her down. It's pretty obvious to the people around me that I'm not okay but I feel weak even talking about it so I can't even tell my parents about it. I really don't know what to do and it pains me to bother people I don't know but if someone can help me find a way out I'll do my best to repay it forward."
depression,"For those of you with kids, did having children worsen your depression? Would like to get some honest feedback."
depression,"What things do you do to jolt you out of the downer? I thought it might be a good idea for people to list out things that help them get out of a downer..... The days + of being down.

I don't mean distractions either (games, food) . I mean things that shake off the depression for days. 

I'll try to start 

Sunshine
Exercise (though getting to it is tough)

(Nobody is allowed to say ""nothing helps"" or the like)"
depression,"I have a tendency to say fucked up things just to prove to myself that I can. just visit my comment history, you'll see what I'm talking about. 

I sometimes feel as if a part of me is always looking to be the worst it can be. I kinda feel proud for being trash because that way it's easier to accept that I am suffering. It means I deserve it. 

My actions are guided by empathy, responsibility and altruism. My mind is guided by sadism, masochism and as speck of curiosity on how low i can go.  What constitutes a good being? it's actions, it's thoughts, or both?

When I am good and depressed, I think ""why, I don't deserve this, why do this things happen to me"", but when I have bad thoughts and am depressed i think ""yeah, serves me right"", and it's cozy and familiar to suffer by punishment because it means that if I really wanted to be good not suffering would be possible. 

​

i don't know if I'm a bad person or a good person, I'm probably a bit of both always mixing with each other. I don't need people to tell me wether I'm a monster or not, I just wanted to vent."
depression,"New Life Anyone else just wanna disappear, new state, new name, new interests? Like the whole universe around u is dead so u have no choice but to start over, or maybe you've failed at life so much that the only thing left is to forget it all happened and start over again. I feel like I just wanna drive thousands of miles away, not tell a soul. Change everything about myself and live a new life."
depression,"I've never felt so bad in my life and I don't know what to do. Hi everyone,

I never thought I would write anything on this sub but since March 2020 (1st lockdown in France) my life went pretty much downhill. I think this is the first time in my entire life I'm suffering from depression and yet I'm not sure because I've never been diagnosed with it nor I went to a doctor to check my mental health lately.

My parents are arguing almost every single day about the most idiotic things, the atmosphere is always tense and it reached a breaking point when my father threatened me to death holding a knife a few weeks after lockdown. I fled to my aunt's home a few days and when I came back nothing was the same and it will no longer be.

 Everything that I enjoyed (going out with friends, working out at the gym, eating at restaurants), is gone or almost impossible to do and since I started my 4th year as a post-grad student, I feel like my life is crumbling apart. I have self sabotage habits like overeating, not going to school, ghosting most of my friends for long periods of time, not asking for help.

The most depressing things are pretending that everything's fine, or disappearing without leaving clues about how bad you feel because it feels like things you can control the most and yet you just let yourself go, completely overwhelmed by your loneliness and sadness. 

The worst thing is that I used to go to work very often to get some money to be semi-independant while studying but for some reason no one has called me to work for 4 weeks and yet I feel unable to call to ask if there is still jobs for me.

I feel so pathetic, weak, lethargic, and I feel like I'm on the verge of completely failing at everything... what should I do to get better...?"
depression,"Feeling very lonely , wanna talk to someone. My chest hurts everyday , I feel like if I die ,it would be best for everyone, I don't know what I am speaking , my mind is messed up"
depression,"I have no friends/ no one to vent to irl I've dropped out of community college, I have no friends, and my mom constantly brings up that I'm a failure. I want to keep this organized or else my thoughts will be all over the place.

I've had severe social anxiety since 5th grade & it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. When I worked as a sales associate I'd come home pacing until about 4 am just to calm my nerves, I've also resorted to creating imaginary friends in my head that I talk to everyday (I've heard it's maladaptive dreaming).

It's just really hard to make friends. People have tried but I'm scared to open up because I fear that I'll say something stupid. What makes it worse is the few times that I have reached out (mainly online) when just asking a question a few people have put me on blast for my questions being stupid & a customer yelled at me for being stupid in front of the whole store. It's only made me regress back into my shell even further.

 Back in 2014 when I was staying with my granny for a week my paw paw called just to tell me how worthless I was for being quiet. 
No one will like me because I'm shy
A doctor would let me die because I don't talk
Also pointed out that everyone is annoyed by me because at every family function I'd also be on my laptop/phone I was 14 at the time 

I genuinely don't know what it's like to have a friend/acquaintance because I haven't had one since I was in elementary school.

I hate when people bring up the fact that I don't talk, ask if I have friends, or make ""jokes"" that they want to be on my good side because I might go school shooter on them. It just makes me try way to hard to not seem weird.

My mom constantly brings up the fact that I don't have friends & talks about it with her friends/family on the phone, even when I've asked her to stop. I'm a very private person & family (mama's side) likes to dish everyone's business to anybody that'll listen. She's gotten the whole family thinking I'm a lazy arrogant slob when I'm not. 

No matter how many times I tell her that I'm trying, she doesn't believe me because starting a business is a stupid venture & in her eyes I'll fail. She says I can't communicate well with people, despite having already done it. I've contacted a factory & they're currently sourcing the fabric. 

She knows this but will add on that they're just going to scam me, she has family/friends on her side & even though I'm trying sometimes I believe them.

I dropped out of community college at 18 due to social anxiety & lack of interest in retaking the basics. My mom doesn't understand nor does she care. She's made it clear that she wants me in a college that has a dorm so she can be alone, despite the fact that we can't afford it even with financial aid.

If my business takes off I've planned to buy a house & not tell anyone where I live until I can get my mental health together. I love my mom & she's not as bad as this post makes her seem she's just the polar opposite of me & doesn't understand that I am my own person with my own dreams, goals, & personality. I hope I can show her that someday.

Thankfully, I've found an online school that caters to what I want. I'm just saving up to study either business or something to become a pre-school teacher."
depression,"I Might Leave Soon This is probably my last year here, to be honest I don't think I can handle staying with my family anymore, my mental issues are over the roof and no one and nothing is helping anymore, everyday seems like the same day is repeating over and over again, my gender and sexuality confuse me and I can't talk about them to my parents they're very phobic about it. Since everything is getting difficult i might as well just leave, everything is going to be better if I Leave anything and theres not point.

Thanks"
depression,"“You can’t survive without me.” My mom told me this today while I was helping her apply for a job.

Thinking on it, I can’t survive on my own. She brought up instances in the past where I was able to do things on my own and she told me I couldn’t do them now. She’s right.

I don’t belong in this world. I have nothing to contribute but negativity. I break myself trying to succeed and I fail every time. I never became an adult. I will amount to nothing."
depression,"So sad... too bad. You know you’re truly at the end, when you have so much to say about your hurt, your pain, the endless stress and it will not end, until you end it, and you don’t say it, at all. Why? Because who fucking cares? No one cares! No one wants to hear my bullshit, we all are suffering. And you become so detached and sociopathic, you don’t even want to be saved. You don’t even want rescuing, you just want it to cease. What is sleep or awake anymore? And the thought of becoming ash upon the wind makes you smile. You know it is time... for the void calls."
depression,"Please don’t take advantage of people just because they’re lonely or that YOU’RE lonely. When you’ve been depressed and alone for so long sometimes you latch on to that first person who gives you attention. 

Don’t give anyone false hopes. Just don’t. 
Some people are really holding on to that last bit of hope for some meaning and sincerity. Don’t destroy that for anyone."
depression,"my observations So many average looking socially awkward but totally decent guys are foreveralone in their 20s, and many sub-average ones are total incels. Female hypergamy is not a misogynist conspiriacy theory, it's the truth - and they hate admitting it because it shows they are not worth the pedestal they want to be put on, and are no 'better' than us 'shallow' men - worse in some respects. Feminists look pretty damn disingenuous blaming men for ""unrealistic beauty standards"" when all the evidence emerging from online dating data gathering shows it is women who are the most obsessed with looks, women who think 80% of men are below average looking, and women who reject most of the people they match with at the same level of attractiveness - AS WELL as caring more about status and money. Incels are victims of society - at the most basic biological level, society is saying to them ""your reproductive value is zero"". Poor bastards. There are huge numbers of these guys out there, way more than the minority gathered online under the banner of incel. "
depression,"What is trust Ive had friends to wallow in pity with and friends to do drugs with. Never had a friend who really could just give encouragement or just care about my best interest. It feels like im the friend thats always trying to pick people up...whos gonna pick me up if i fall. Im not strong damnit and im trying to be there for me but im also my worst enemy... how do people trust people when they always dissapoint? Is it just me? Trust seems like this untangible thing to me. Love exists but love also fades super fast which i understand. Trust? What is that. Why let people in when they abandon you when you need help... why let people in when they never want to help but just wallow or do whats convenient?

 Idk ill keep trying  but if i go insane and im abandoned to die alone i wouldn't be surprised"
depression,"I’m mentally incapable of feeling happy anymore Things are going better than usual. Far from good, but better. My family still always argues, and I still hate myself, but yesterday was good. I just worked up weeks of courage and finally made a purchase I’ve been thinking about. Online school is almost over. I’ve also recently received multiple awards in school.  We got Olive Garden to celebrate, and it was delicious. But, I don’t feel happy. A normal person would be ecstatic if this happened! But no. I still feel empty. I still feel like I’m not good enough. I still hate myself. I just want to be happy again. I’m sick and tired of my only emotions being sadness, loneliness, worry, anxiousness, hatred, jealousy, and anger. Is feeling joy again too much to ask for? What is wrong with me? I give advice to tons of other people, so why can’t I help myself. I made this the shortened version, cause no one wants to hear all of my problems. Sorry for wasting your time."
depression,"It's taken me so long to realize that I'm toxic.. It took me a long time to realize it, but I now believe that I could be the issue when it comes to personal relationships in my life. It's hard for me to admit and believe that I could be the problem, but now that I look back on everything, I always did play the victim. 

I realize I don't take other people's feelings into consideration if it doesn't benefit me. I talk to anyone how I want when I am angry. If they hurt my feelings...I'm ready to attack. I feel as if I'm entitled to people bowing down to my needs. My mother always told me this. My brother cut me off for good. A lot of my friends left my side. I disrespected people in ways that I did not need to. 

I don't really know what's wrong with me. I'm sad, but for some reason I'm not so sad. I am very generous and giving, but when I am not fond of something or if something makes me unhappy, I take a 180 to a darker side of me. I tend to blame people for my feelings. 

A man that I was very fond of even told me how he notices that I crave control and power. When things don't go my way, I become this self entitled brat and I hurt feelings, but when I'm happy and feel mentally good, I am 'the best female he's ever laid eyes on'. 

I don't understand why I am this way. As I'm typing this I'm upset, I want to fix the important relationships in my life, especially my family. I tend to be selfish when I'm upset, but I'm super giving when I'm feeling okay. I don't know what it is. 

I did go through a lot through the years I've lived so far. I would have to explain. I seen things I wasn't supposed to see, especially as a child. I used to be abused by my biological parent (who I don't speak to anymore), I was bullied a lot in school due to being overweight. My one and only past relationship was very abusive and toxic. I was physically taken advantage of by a family member when I was a little girl. My babysitter when I was younger used to beat me. There was a lot of hurt that I experienced, but I don't know if that's why I am the way I am.

I am not evil. I will not hurt anyone on purpose. It's the way I treat people. It's my attitude and words that hurt people when I'm angry at them. I don't know what's going on with me, but I think I have a lot of hurt that I need to get rid of, but for some reason I am just not facing them. I should probably talk to a professional. 

TL;DR I think I'm realizing who I am. I want to change this negative side of me. Feel free to state your opinions."
depression,"I've lost my voice and who I am I'm a 17 year old female who has been through a rough couple past of years. To begin when I was younger I was so loud, outgoing, just like any other young girl my age; i would talk to anyone or anything I had a ton of friends and was extremely outgoing; my father was military so we moved all over, state to state, once again the summer after 6th grade, me being the person I was although sad I was happy to meet new friends and people as always, this state though was very different from my last states. Grades 3rd-6th I grew up in the bad part of down so I had a very different outlook than my new suburban peers, my clothes I wore were unheard of and the way I talked was ghetto and slow. I did my best to talk to everyone but I was rejected, still I did my best to fit in, didn't workout. I got bullied horribly and self harmed my body to the point where I'm still covered in scars today, during this time of middle school I also got rid of my video games and online friends since I was depressed and didn't feel like playing anymore (bad idea). During this time in 7th grade I started dating the most wonderful boyfriend, he was also my only interaction. Come highschool he had turned, abusive. Calling me names, making me isolate myself, making me not speak, leaving for weeks than coming back, putting me under so much stress that it actually effected my body negatively (keep in mind I already had depression and anxiety before this) tore me apart. Finally in freshman year I got my games back along with my online friends, yet I was so different. I was quite, I wasn't the loudest one or even entertaining, I was ""boring"". I had broken up with my boyfriend for this time and finally felt like I had some control that summer before sophomore year. What happened in middle School really did affect my high school, I was seen as that girl that used to cut herself and couldn't change that reputation. So I didn't speak at all freshman year once again I stated above only to my boyfriend, sophomore year I had some friends at school but I ended up getting back with my boyfriend and lost them due to isolation. And now here I am today it's almost senior year I switched schools for junior year to try and shake off my reputation only to be socially awkward I can't speak to anyone, I try my best everyday but all I can do is stare at them I know have a huge fear of guys due to my ex I have little to no social interaction besides two people I know online who today said I'm boring to talk to and I never have anything to talk about and how I'm so awkward now everything I say is weird. I lost my other online friends to being to awkward now. I'm sitting here today just so angry, I have literally forgotten how to speak to people, I feel mentally retarded for my depression, anxiety, and now ptsd from my abusive ex. I try so ever hard to speak, to be loud, but it just comes out weird and I stutter or almost cry whenever I talk. I wish I never moved to this state and I hate every moment. I really don't have anyone or anything to do anymore besides sleep in my room or video games. I'm trying to get a job and get out of the house, it's just hard. I've watched 4 years of my life be wasted and full of uneventful shit or abuse. I'm so depressed and wish I could just be my Younger self again, but nothing I does works, I try to talk and it's awkward, I go out but my self harm scars end most conversations before they start. My therapist says my depression stems from my social interaction due to that fact I'm an extrovert with no simulation to it, I'm lonely, I'm lost, I spend highschool doing nothing (joined clubs and sports) and now here I am. Senior year with nothing to look forward to, no friends, and fear. I'm scared to post myself because I'm ugly, I'm scared to talk because of failure and sounding weird, I can't even talk online nothing comes out anymore. Im so shy I can't even comment on posts or try to look on social media or other places. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm trying so hard yet nothing is working. This is a long post, and I apologise for the rambling on, I just need to get this out."
depression,My bf is in a deep depressive episode atm. He ignores me completely.What can I do? He gives me the silent treatment. I don’t live with him but I tell him at least once a week that he matters and that I’m not going anywhere. Not sure if he reads my texts though. Why would he tell his family that we don’t see each other anymore but doesn’t tell me that we „broke up“? I know it’s the illness and not me but could you please explain to me what is going on with you and your mind while you are depressed? What is the best I can do to help?
depression,"I have no purpose in life Can't care to complete college, can't care to try to get a job and can't care to do anything. Nothing gives me  joy anymore. Can't even kill myself. I don't know why do i even bother eating or even getting out of of bed. Life is fucking bullshit, i hate being alive."
depression,"No energy to continue I have suicidal thoughts 24/7, it's not Bec I want to ""run away"" it's just I don't have the energy to continue living this life anymore, I want it all to end. Sometimes I wish I could end this life and begin a new one that's totally different. I hate it here and whenever I imagine i'll be living this life for the next 40 years I feel like I wanna kill myself even more"
depression,"When someone ask you are you ok? Anybody else feels this way, when someone ask you are you ok?

And you reply you're fine, when in reality your not.

You only reply you're fine because you don't want to dig up all the shit that is stirring to the surface and bring up all your problems to your family.

And the cycle continues."
depression,"Sometimes I just wish people would actually ask me how i'm doing. I mean sure my parents will ask  me how i'm doing but they really don't understand me very well and they over react a whole lot so i i don't really want to talk to them about anything ya know. like i have friends, well at least sometimes I think I do, they never talk to me unless i talk to them first and i can't remember the last time someone asked me how i'm doing without me asking how they were doing first. one time i just stopped talking for a week and nobody seemed to really care they talked to me at school, but they didn'y acy like anything was wrong, i looked fairly depressed i kept putting my head down in like half my classes, but still nobody seemed to care or ask me how i'm doing. one time i just texted all my friends that i felt like dying and none of them responded, and even the next day no one checked in with me to see if i was okay. Maybe i'm just too much for people, like i'm too broken and depressed to be of any use so why even worry about me or ask me how i'm doing, even if i feel like i want to die. idk i just wish people actually gave a damn and asked me how i was doing. : ("
depression,"I blame myself. I'm in 1st year in college and I got my grade card for my promotion to 2nd year yesterday. I failed my promotion. Last week I gave another exam for an entrance to other college and it was my second time appearing for it but unfortunately, i recieved a much lower rank. In my life this is my first time facing such failure as a student. I lost a year because of my negligence and trying to focus on two different things at once. Now i feel worthless, didn't even get the college i wanted and also failed to get a promotion in the college I'm doing. I feel dark and alone. I feel like it's all my fault that I've come here. The thoughts that come to my mind is all negative, even when i try to keep myself engage i start to blame myself for my failure and loss"
depression,"Can’t start work tomorrow For some background, I’m 20 and have very little job experience due to severe social anxiety and depression. A fast-food job I had a while ago said they would take be back even after I ghosted them after going to the psych ward. Tomorrow is supposed to be my first day back.

Now I’m feeling like I can’t go. A bunch of unexpected changed happened this week, including my therapist bailing on me. I want the job, but now I’m back in a depressive episode that I don’t currently have the support to deal with. I can’t make any commitments at all. I feel like my mind has already been made up to just not go tomorrow because I won’t have the strength to get out of bed and face my anxiety. I want to just tell work what’s happening but they don’t know me that well and I’m not comfortable opening up to them. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m losing my mind."
depression,"I fucking hate myself Why did she leave ???   How come I can’t get closure ???  Why do people screw me over.  Why am I always the scapegoat.  

I want her back.  

This BS that there’s something better for me out there, in career and dating, is just that.  

I am very certain I’m not going to survive this one.  I’ve gone through too many dark spells - I have no more patience for this.  Decades of this crap - “it gets better” “you have so much going for you” “I’m sure you’ll meet someone nice very soon”

Fuck that, fuck you, fuck the world.  Fuck everything.  Can you tell the future better than the people who told me the same thing 17 years ago???

Jesus why did she leave.  Did she just tell me she wanted to catch up so she could purposely blow me off and not apologize ?   Is that her way of getting me to dislike her after all the adoration she showered me with ?

Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  How could I trust anyone ever again ??????"
mentalhealth,"Starting “alternative treatment” for depression I’ll be starting Ketamine treatment (legal, considered microdosing) soon for my depression. It’s been a really tough couple of years and I’m at my wits end.

I’m hopeful but I’m also scared of the psychedelic experience that comes along with it. I’ve been scared of psychedelics my whole life and now I’m getting nervous.

Not really sure why I’m writing this. I guess I just need to scream it into the ether. So thanks for reading!

If anyone has experience with medical doses such as this, I’d love to hear it. (Not microdosing street K.)"
mentalhealth,"Forgetting basic need (drinking liquid) So I apparently have 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder' and Severe Anxiety. Literally always depressed, I fluctuate between meh and 'the world is evil'. So not exactly a positive spectrum. 

But the issue I have is that I forget to do basic things: like drink liquid. Literally, I can go from waking (around 8am) to 2pm before I realise I need to drink. I've done all the alarms before, bought the bottles that have measurements and inspirational quotes (like 'hydrate bitch'), and NADA. I push it off and then once again it's hours before I drink. 

How do I ignore such a basic thing? I literally need it to live. But my mind just has this blackout zone where thirst is supposed to be. 

Recently had blood taken and the woman was so freaked out by how dehydrated I was. 

Anyone else like this, this feels like a really obscure thing as my only advice has been to 'drink more'. Sure Karen, that's my issue, I'm just purposefully not drinking 🤷."
mentalhealth,"I Feel Like I'm Floating I'm not the most confident person but up until recently i didn't notice just how out of place i feel.I never had close friend my parents never allowed me to birthday party s or anything social other then school. But, recently in school i took a self esteem test i scored 29 meaning i scored the lowest area i could be in this triggered a chain of events. I have a lot of homework and i cant handle large workloads like most so i push to much this is when my physical signs is when i began to get nosebleeds this was not concerning at first but it was happening a lot.I then started to feel like i was a spectator in my life like i was diconected feom my surroundings.My grades began slipping and reports were coming up i was knee deep in homework and my teachers werent letting up i was suffocating. I began to randomly burst out crying if i was alone. Sometimes taking 5 minute naps just because i wouldnt have another chance.My parents were no help they were so traditional homophobic (not that im gay), marry a boy and have babys, heavily Christian family. Grades were practicaly how my siblings were ranked. I started keeping a journal or returned to it i had ben for a while but this was my first time uasing it. As a venting method . . not to mention police used to be a frequent visitor at my house. My parent had to move because of a foreclosure and i was reduced to one of the other faces my parents always saw. School was salvation an entirely different world. I started trying to make friends there milestone for me  lot but im growing."
mentalhealth,"My problem with being an Ambivert So I just wanna preface by saying I’m not exactly sure if this is the right place to post, so just lemme know if it’s not.  

Anyway, just in case someone doesn’t know, an ambivert is basically in between an introvert and extrovert.  It’s what I am, and it means I need an equal and ample amount of social time and alone time.  The problem here is that my social battery both drains and recharges extremely quickly.

I’ll go out and hangout with friends, just to want to be curled up in bed within 30 minutes.  Then, once I get home I’ll wish I was back out with people within like an hour.  This inconsistency is tearing me apart and has caused me to try to rearrange my life and guiding principles countless times.  

If anyone has any input maybe, that would be great."
mentalhealth,"I’m having strange thoughts I don’t wanna have I’m gonna sound homophobic immature and stupid but this is the best way I could talk about this sorry if I offended any body

Ever since I was a kid I’ve always had this problem and I thought it was normal but I was always afraid to ask people, as I’m getting a little older I’m getting a lot weirder thoughts like incest racism homosexuality family members dying me dying some sick disgusting things 

Sometimes I’ll have random thoughts of having sex with random women I see and not because I like them or anything just because of these thoughts 

I searched it up on google and it was just some it’s normal to be gay on some weird shit but I’m not gay I don’t fw that 

I really don’t want to have these thoughts but they just pop up in my head and the more I try to stop thinking about it the worse it gets

Should I talk to my doctor in private about this do I need help or medication

I’m still young and I don’t want this to get any worse"
mentalhealth,"What motivates one to be an eldercare worker despite of intense psychological stress? (memento mori) As an eldercare worker, one is **intensely exposed** to reminders of one's own pending fate: **Disability, pain, dependence, asexuality, loss of self, hopelessness and death**. (Also known as [*Gerascophobia*](https://phobia.wikia.org/wiki/Gerascophobia))

What exactly motivates someone to do that job? Isn't it **incredibly mentally stressful** to be constantly reminded of the inescapable nightmare level disaster oneself is going to suffer from sooner or later? How do nursing home workers cope with it?

Side note: I am 19 years old as of writing this."
mentalhealth,this girl in Canada gives some very good advice on dealing with anxiety [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdFJ9oYr4Ck](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdFJ9oYr4Ck)
mentalhealth,"I am so sick and tired of people telling me it's so easy. I have a couple of friends around me that have such easy lives; everything comes so easily for them. If there's ever a problem, they have such a simple solution for everything. Are they lonely and need to make friends? Just go out there, it's all about mindset -- simple! Depressed? Just do things that make you happy! Anxious? Meditate!

Why don't people realize that these things don't work for everyone? Like, I'm glad it's easy for them to be happy, but when I try to explain to them it doesn't work for me, they double down and try to preach their solution.

And even better, when they do finally understand that it might not be easy for me, they have another solution: just see a therapist and you'll be cured!! As if. Not only is it hard for some people to find a therapist due to time and money, but it even seems a bit rude, like a not-my-problem mindset. I know they don't seem that way, but for me it sometimes feels like that.

I wish they would just listen to me instead of trying to find a solution. :( I don't even complain to anyone about my problems, so I don't have to annoy anyone. Idk, it just sometimes pisses me off lol. (End rant)"
mentalhealth,Mental health is crashing out and I don’t know how to handle it. Just got this growing feeling of despair and misery clawing at me constantly.
mentalhealth,I feel constantly ignored and its making me feel like i dont matter For the past couple of months ive been feeling as if i dont exist people just dont seem to want to acknowledge my existence (this might be because im young and im stressed about my exams etc.but i dont know whether anyone cares about me
mentalhealth,"It is possible to get better Just so people know it's not all darkness and nonsense

Today is my clean date

30 years clean and 23 years depression/anxiety-free

12-Step was the foundation but added whatever came my way

If I can do it anyone can. Yes that means you.

Start by doing more than nothing"
mentalhealth,"How do I stop treating people I find ""ugly"" worse? I have been going trough a very very rough time in my life, but I have realized that I'm slowly changing. lately I've started subconsciously judging everyone. I used to think 99% of people are really pretty in their own way but lately I find a lot of people physically ugly. What's even worse is that i've started judging everyone and treated ""ugly"" people worse. I'm really scared about the way i'm acting and who I'm turning into. it's not just ""prettiness"" it's also other things. I judge people based on how they look more like assume their personality from their looks? My parents are very awful tbh and they do this a lot. they judge people based on appearances a lot and loudly and assume everything based on looks. it's as if i'm somehow absorbing their personalities.

​

is there any advice on how to stop this? this is specially hypocritical coming from someone most consider ugly too. it's also very awful. you might be saying ""just don't lol"" but it happens a lot of times without me noticing it and I can't stop it. and sometimes I act borderline scared of them. it's weird..... I don't know what's happening to my head lately. I'm scared that i'll turn into my family so badly. they're so racist and horrible.... i don't want that....

Edit: thanks for the downvote :)"
mentalhealth,"My Sibling is on the way and I'm Worried I have been a Single child for 19 years of my life. About 2 months ago in the beginning of Covid 19 Lock down my mom was giving hints that she is pregnant they haven't officially told me yet but I saw her go to doctor for routine check, and I found some papers confirming this, and I overheard him talking to my father about this. Now here is the thing is a sibling gonna effect how they treat me ? because I've seen my friends parents treat elders children more roughly then the younger.Also Me and my father are not that close we don't talk anymore for like 3 months because of my bad grade in school\*\*. *So yeah thats my concern that my Younger sibling she or he might be their favorite children.*"
mentalhealth,"Is there a term for something like Emetophobia applied to the fear of not being able to control your bowels? Please hear me out. I'm following lots of online communities of people suffering from the (many times mostly) mental problem of being afraid of being far from a toilet when you need one. Like you suddenly have to go to the toilet (diarrhea etc) but you are far from one -> this induces panic / anxiety attack, people become avoidant, become agoraphobic...

It is essentially the same thing like emetophobia but from the other end. The aspect of the fear about losing control, being embarrassed in public because you soiled yourself, social isolation, starving yourself (so you don't have to shit), not leaving home (because you might have to use the toilet without having access to it) etc. all same with emetophobics, but I can't find a single thing in the literature about this particular ailment. I am suffering from this and doing my research with emetophobia because my (and countless other's) particular ailment is not covered anywhere. Or maybe I can't find it.

This is a tough one to crack because exposure therapy makes it worse. When you get anxious, your bowels naturally work - so you are anxious about having to use the toilet in an inconvenient time, you think about this in an inconvenient time -> you get anxious -> you now really have to use the bathroom -> the fear calcifies. So I'm trying to get all the info I can before I can present my case to a professional - even emetophobics say the professionals are not generally experienced in their issue, so there is a very slim chance that I'll find someone who is experienced with this so I'm trying to gather as much info as I can.

Thank you."
mentalhealth,"Research Survey of Those ages 16 to 22 Hi my name is Sarah Wasley and I am a Florida student involved in the research program at my high school currently conducting a research survey regarding the correlation between mental health and career aspirations/education goals of young adults. I am here asking for survey respondents between the ages of 16 and 22. The survey is a short eleven questions inquiring as to your personal and family history of mental illness as well as your future goals, and completely anonymous. There are zero personal identification questions, and your privacy is protected by my institutional review ethics board. This is a completely independent study, and the data gathered will be evaluated against existing data regarding the mental health and suicide rates of established professionals within creative and artistic fields. I ask that anybody who is willing participates, it would be a great help in contributing to the broader field of knowledge regarding the impact of specific professional fields on mental health and vice versa. Thank you.

[https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/297RWG7](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/297RWG7) "
mentalhealth,Borderline personality disorder & self harm. The other day I was having a good day & then was accused of having an attitude when I was happy it set me off so badly that I split & tried to cut the “bad” out of me. I dissociated so badly & only came too when I saw the fat sticking out of my wrist. I frighten myself with how quickly I lose control of myself & how something so minor can drive me to such an extreme. How do you manage triggers & what do i do when my minds convinced & so deranged on the thought of “I have to cut the bad out of myself “??
mentalhealth,"A daydream/night dream I'm not sure if this is normal. But often I have this dream or daydream that I'm in therapy (which I have never been to before), and the therapists tells me I have a bunch of mental health issues that I have symptoms for in real life. Depression, ADHD, and schizophrenia. And immediately 2 men drag me away out of the room and into a psych ward. And I'm crying, and screaming, and fighting. They put me in this coat that I see in movies that doesn't allow me to move my arms and holds them across my body. And they throw me into an isolation room. I give in to everything that already happens to me in real life. I start talking to myself louder, listening to the voices in my head, constantly pacing. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just want to know if anyone else was is/had experiencing/experienced anything similar."
mentalhealth,"With DID, how often does an alter take over? I saw a Tiktok (ik how this sounds. I'm not self diagnosing)  where this woman was doing a pic of a peraon at a therapist. Anyway. Can did be triggered by trauma and puberty? Like you had bad things happen then you hit puberty and it really starts to flourish? Also can an alter be in control for a long time? So much that there are 2 to 3 yrs that you only remember snippets of no matter how hard you try? And that its not bad all the time then out of nowhere your mental health plummets and its like your not even in control your just slicing open ur skin to see the blood and in the back of your head you know you shouldnt do this but you don't care and do it anyway?


My mom has mentioned therapy to deal with some depression and anxiety issues (she has no ide the extent of it) and I just thought that maybe if I ever do go that I should ask about some things. 


Tl/dr: idek what to put here. Go back and read it. I'm confused even writimg this"
mentalhealth,"Disclosing hx of MH in pre-employment physical 
I accepted a conditional job offer as a mental health clinician and they require a physical with Kaiser. They are asking for my MRN if my health insurance is Kaiser. Otherwise, I would provide basic info (dob, partial ssn), but they could probably easily look me up as I’ve had Kaiser in the past. My immunization records are from Kaiser so it is inevitable to know that I have had Kaiser in the past. 

I am concerned because my Kaiser records reflect my history with depression and anxiety, which were exacerbated by the work I was doing in social work at the time (which is noted in the medical records).

Has anyone had experience with disclosing their mental health challenges during a pre-employment physical exam? Thanks in advance!"
mentalhealth,"I feel like my I’ve forgotten how to be happy I flip flop between feeling absolutely nothing at all and feeling bad. When I laugh it’s like the shell I’m encased in is laughing and I’m shut away in the centre, just feeling nothing at all. 
I don’t know how to stop. I’ve spoken to my therapist but he’s so overbooked that I can’t get regular appointments, I’m lucky if I can get one a month."
mentalhealth,"Does this sound like a panic attack or something more serious? My brother is 16 years old and has diagnosed ADHD and anxiety, he takes paroxetine and Ritalin for them. He is extremely sensitive and every few weeks he'll have a panic attack but usually manages everything well. He goes to therapy once a week. Against medical advice and mine, he sometimes smokes marijuana. 


Last night he finished watching that new Jeffrey Dahmer show and went to bed at around 2 AM. Maybe an hour after that he woke up to the sound of ""police digging"" up a body in our neighbors backyard (hallucination). He could ""hear"" them perfectly but said he felt like he was still sleeping. He peaked through the curtains but obviously didn't see any police cars and went downstairs to my mom's room to wake her up to tell her about the supposed cadaver.


He asked my mom if the walls had always been white in her room and said that he sees everything in a red hue. There's a scene in that show where Dahmer's character pulls out a bloody knife and holds it in the air and my brother said that scene kept playing in his head along with the song ""psycho killer"" (which I guess was playing during that scene) and that he felt this euphoric feeling, but then immediately after he starts screaming and hysterically crying. He kept hugging my mom and saying he was sorry for everything he put her through (he's always embarrassed of the panic attacks he gets). 


My mom took him to the hospital and they gave him lorazepam and fell asleep as soon as he got home. He slept until 6 PM. He said that he understood why the character did what he did in the show and that's why he felt euphoric because it was the first time a show had him so focused. By ""understood"" he meant that he gets how Dahmer felt on top of the world when he did what he did, and that although he (my bro) understood the feeling, what he did to achieve them was fucked up. I know that reads like he's a psychopath but trust me he is far from that and doesn't have bad thoughts. I'm not in denial when I say he would never hurt a fly. He has a lot of trust in me and always tells me whatever goes through his mind, sometimes to a degree I didn't want to know, and he is very sensitive, good natured and empathetic. 


He also felt really bad rage and had a bit of paranoia when my mom went back to the receptionist to get a paper she forgot and he stayed behind in the car. He became convinced that the reason she was taking so long (2 minutes at most) was because someone was jumping her and he wanted to go there and beat the ""thieves"" up. 


Now it's 11.30 PM and my mom gave him another lorazepam (prescribed by the doc at the hospital last night) because he started crying again and said he sees everything in a green hue. He kept crying ""mommy, mommy"" and hugging her and our dog. He says he feels like he is sleeping and nothing is real. We are obviously taking him to his psychiatrist as soon as he's able to see him but in the meantime I want to know what this could potentially be. This is the first time he hallucinates but not the first time he disassociates and feels ""not real"". 


The panic attacks he usually gets involve feeling scared of that disassociation and crying fits. They always come at night and are triggered by problems he had at school or with friends/girls. I've never heard of panic attacks causing visual and auditory hallucinations or feelings of euphoria so I don't know if that's what happened just now. We are extremely worried. What could this be?"
mentalhealth,"Is waking up and being ""cured"" of smoking a sign of bipolarism? Literally wasn't trying to quit cigarettes. I just woke up and found I don't care about cigarettes, alcohol, weed, etc. I feel content. Not estatic, but content in day to day living. Withdrawal plowed through cold turkey very easily, despite trying to quit previously. I cleaned up my living space, started socializing at and outside of work.

Desire came back later. But I've noticed there's a pattern to it, with a dip in self-care and social outgoings.

I've read a cycle in drug use is actually part of bipolarism."
mentalhealth,"Today was my last day of school. I am now on winter break for 2 weeks. I have had a headache since this morning and wasn’t able to read much of “1984” by George Orwell in class because of this. Should I watch TV? I feel and look really tired, no more finals to worry about :) 

I’m not getting any real gifts from my parents this Christmas

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/zs2czc)"
mentalhealth,"Anxiety or truth? I have always, My entire life, Felt like no one truly likes me. Of course except for my family who obviously cares for me. My SO I know cares for me as well as my best friend but I feel like everyone else couldn’t care less. From “friends” that blow me off and never come to hang out like they say they will. To classmates and teachers that don’t talk to me unless they have to. I know when I was younger I was very energetic and silly and that may have been a factor on people not wanting to be around me but I still have the feeling. It’s never gone away and it breaks me so badly. I’m usually a very happy and giving person. I love spending time with people and I’m always up to help. But I feel like no one likes me or cares about me aside from those who make it obvious. For example. One of my managers came up to my coworkers and I while we were at our desks (four people including him) and asked how our weekends were. After he got responses he went from person to person and asked for details about their weekend. He asked both of my coworkers but didn’t ask me and just walked off. I know I’m newer but it still made me feel awkward. I’ve never had coworkers try to hang out after work even if we get along super well. Another example are “friends” who make plans with me to come over and hang out and then never show up without saying anything but when I go on social media they’ve all gone out to eat. Everyone that was going to come over. Just not me. I always feel completely out of place and I hate it. I try so hard to be nice to people because I don’t see a reason not to but I feel like no one likes me and is too nice to say anything. I hate feeling this way and it makes me feel so alone."
mentalhealth,"I feel like there is no hope in any aspect of my future I've always been a guy who loves nature and wildlife in general. Everyday I read articles about global warming, Pollution ect, and I seen nothing being done about it. Nothing. The president of the united states of america (A global super power) thinks global warming isn't real. Let that sink in. Ill go out with Friends and enjoy hanging out but as soon as im alone or in the car looking outside, i just feel immense sadness and guilt. I feel like i wont even get a fair shake at life because it feels like its been killed before i the ref even said go. Then randomly ill have a few weeks/days where i feel great and then i think im over reacting, even though i know its not fine. I wanna have kids when im older but i dont wanna  bring them into a world where I even hate being sometimes. The main thing i want to end on is everything in our world is dieing but the people who could do something are too greedy, and i feel like crap alot of the time. Idk"
mentalhealth,"Is it unusual to cry and feel rlly depressed bc you j quit an organization and 2 ppl within it blocked you and ppl keep on unfollowing you [removed]

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/vuwm6g)"
mentalhealth,"How to Treat Coronavirus at Home ? Hi, one of my friend have some coronavirus symptoms. Please let me know how to cure from this virus at home."
mentalhealth,"Question about constantly talking to myself, or an “imaginary friend” This has been going on for over two years. I have a huge habit of talking to myself, and sometimes do it even in public, causing my parents to ask what I’m doing. It doesn’t even feel like I’m talking to ME, it feels like I’m talking to someone else, kind of like an imaginary friend, but I can’t see them and they can’t respond to me, I just feel their presence and feel them judging me. The stuff I’m usually saying is kinda like narrating my thoughts or venting about stuff that happened to me. Does anyone know what is going on, why it’s happening, and how I can fix it?"
mentalhealth,Therapeutic judgment What is therapeutic judgment?
mentalhealth,"hi, i need some help if those w a tumblr could look at this and reblog it? id appreciate it, my partner needs help and fast

https://starlitskyes.tumblr.com/post/634623063290511360"
mentalhealth,"Existential Dread Is there anybody here who gets bored of things/people/situations easily and is not interested in anything to a point you are scared of existence because you need to find something to keep you distracted. It doesn't affect my academics or immediate relationships, I somehow get things done like a chore with lots of great acting to convince others 'I'm fine'. If 'YES', what did you do about it, what helped how are you pulling yourself together? If you haven't figured it out, know you are not alone. Keep going."
mentalhealth,"Failing is not failure The act of trying something new and failing does not make you a failure. You took a adventure and the adventure did not go as planned and you learn from it. 

With every fail in life you learn something new. Without trying anything new you would never learn. Without taking risks you would never succeed.

* I felt like it needed to be said so I said it."
mentalhealth,"I’ve been in an existential crisis for 2 years now. I’m in 10th grade, and ever since 8th grade, I have not been stop thinking existentially. Literally ever my second of the day, I am contemplating the meaning of everything. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop. It’s put me into a really deep depression.

Why? How can I stop?

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated."
mentalhealth,"I'm a senior mental health nurse for the NHS. Ask me anything Hi all,

www.youtube.com/thementalhealthpt

I'm a senior mental health nurse for the NHS. I'm a 31 year old guy who can totally relate to feelings of Depression and Anxiety.

​

I've created a youtube channel, offering support, awareness, education, and interviews related to mental health. I try to make it fun when it needs to be, and serious when it needs to be.

​

Please have a look and if you like it, please subscribe. The more we can do to increase mental health awarnesss and reduce stigma, the better.

www.youtube.com/thementalhealthpt

So yeah..ask me anything =)

​

\-Rob"
mentalhealth,"Should I tell my friend to stop telling me her dark past/secrets? My best friend had a pretty fucked up life, and she always tells me stories about it, like that one time all of her cousins got raped by her uncle or when her mother got pushed down the stairs by her now ex-husband. I am not even sure if it helps her, but it gives me terrible nightmares and i always feel awful for the rest of the week. Should I risk my own Mental health for her well-being?"
mentalhealth,"I can't do anything right Hi reddit, I've got a pretty complex yet kind of dumb problem on my hands. It's gonna be a little long but I'll do my best to keep things summarized yet to the point.

Alrighty, right about may I got an ugly concussion from a self inflicted beating from a mental breakdown. It was really ugly and I don't remember much of what triggered it but I had to lie and said I fell off my bed and hit the table next to my bed. Hard. I went to school the following day but got sent home by the nurse who urged my parents to take me to the hospital.

I got physically examined and confirmed that I had a concussion but my parents did not believe me despite the diagnosis coming from a medical professional. I didn't get properly treated and I was kicked out of my home just a few weeks before graduation. (Just to clarify, my parents and I were already having problems and I was expecting it to happen at some point.) 

Ever since then I feel I haven't been the same and it makes me super depressed to think about. 

I feel so mentally screwed up, I'm not the same person I used to me and I feel like my personality has changed. I've found myself more of a frantic and dumber version of myself nowadays. Desperately dumb. I find it harder to think, I'm always tired and sleep a lot, and I just can't seem to do things right anymore. I don't even remember much about my life and I feel terrible, sometimes I even make up lies about parts of my life because I'm too embarrassed to admit I dont remember.

I've basically devolved.

It's even effected my relationships to people, I feel like that I scammed my friends and my boyfriend. My boyfriend fell in love with the person I used to be and all he got was my dumb ass, a lost and desperate child. My friends have my clueless ass, I never know what to say or do and I just make things awkward.

I used to be a passionate artist but now I'm a tired and unmotivated mess trying to get by.

I want to get help for it but God I dont really have a lot of time to do so because of work and all. I'm really suffering and I'm so scared, I don't know where my life will lead to. I miss my family and I miss when everything was okay.

All I really want is to be myself again."
mentalhealth,"Can’t seem to complete anything. I’m a 26 year old man and I’m starting to really reflect on my life. It seems that no matter what the task is I cannot finish it. I will start out strong but i either get bored and distracted or unmotivated in a short amount of time. This happened with college, jobs, relationships and even my hobbies. I will discover a new hobby that I love and will go all in on it,but in just a month I will drop it. I feel like I’m all over the place since things change so frequently for me. I can see this in my father too, he has a multitude of projects started at his house but none finished. What is this called even? Does anyone have advice on how I can overcome this? Thanks in advance."
mentalhealth,"I’m really struggling with my depression and anxiety, and my boyfriend has never seen me like this before. Also what’s wrong with my meds??? So my boyfriend and I have been good friends for about 6 years before we started our relationship 7 months ago. He knows I’ve struggled before with anxiety and that I’m going to a doctor for it. I started a new medication at my doctors request, see if it works and all. And honestly it’s making everything worse??

BF commented on my anxiety earlier in the day, saying he thinks it’s getting worse, and that I seem to be falling apart a lot faster/easier. Well, tonight around 8pm I started slipping into a really bad depressive state and it feels so bad. He’s never seen me in one, over that past couple years I hid mine as best I could from my friends, with probably isn’t good. He’s been comforting me best he can, and I feel more human, but I feel such static and lumpy grey and I keep weeping all the time. 

BF has told me before that he gets upset when I get upset, like a sympathetic reaction. So when I’m laying next to him weeping, I feel even worse because I’m upsetting him, even though he says he’s fine. 

Ugh I don’t know, I feel so ugly rn"
mentalhealth,"Should I ask my psychiatrist to evaluate me for an eating disorder? I had two chocolate chip muffins despite telling myself to ignore the hunger, just drink water instead. Water has no calories but I lost control and and caved in and had two muffins. I want to vomit out the food, I feel horrible. I feel like a disgusting fat pig even though I'm average weight, maybe slightly lower now given the fact I didn't eat anything yesterday. I want to spend time in the bathroom trying to get the food to exit my body through any way possible. I've done nothing but walk around my room trying to get rid of the calories. I'm freaking out. My stomach is growling even after I ate, but I still feel like I ate too much.

I skip school lunch and I try to just drink water throughout the day to hopefully lose weight and not gain any. I've had these thoughts since I was a kid but they've been acting up lately. I didn't eat anything yesterday aside from drinking two iced coffees and some water to take my meds with. I know what I'm doing is toxic deep down, does this sound like a phase or a straight up eating disorder? Not looking for a diagnosis, just want to know if this is worth bringing up with my psychiatrist soon."
mentalhealth,"Venting out cause of her i almost FUCK HER FOR BEING IGNORING!! me when I was going to attempt to kill myself...while u were on my good days..and now u acting like I mean NOOBODY...TO you!

Extreme hatred towards such lovers liking and cheating them on!! Good be happy alone now. U don't deserve the real one me know son of a fucking whore.

I' still wanna TYPE AND VENT more..but I always remember that ppl never helps anyone in this cold hearted world. Pain changed ppl but I know they will only help when they find it beneficial to them. Or like something anyways I wanna vent more on her...GUYS, LOVEE! crush fairytales cuteness is all fake LOVE=pain it is the rarest shit to find on"
mentalhealth,"Coming to terms I used to feel toxic to those I fell in love with but were they to blame for their actions?

[http://officialhcaps.com/2019/11/07/coming-to-terms/](http://officialhcaps.com/2019/11/07/coming-to-terms/)"
mentalhealth,"what happens if you go inpatient but treatment fails and you continue to say you rather end you life once you are let out? 

If you don't respond to intensive treatment at a mental hospital after going voluntarily or not, Do you get out in a permanent psyche ward indefinitely? People keeps saying you spend a week or 2. What if you are way far gone and each time you're asked if you're safe to leave, you keep saying no? Do they just kick you out after a while due ti lack of funds/insurance or do you keep getting locked up and go to a state institute? If you don't just lie and say you're fine and keep saying, no treatment isn't helping and I will end my life when I leave this hospital. What happens then?"
mentalhealth,"Help with depression. Throwaway because my friends know my actual account. 

Basically, I’m depressed. I know I am. I’m not some twelve year old whose sad because they can’t find a date for the dance. I have seriously wondered if my life means anything to anyone.

I want to live, but sometimes I don’t know that I deserve it. I would never do anything to intentionally harm myself or others, I just wonder if I should give up. Resign myself to nothingness.

I want to speak with a therapist, and have asked my parents to set up sessions on multiple occasions. They haven’t yet. They don’t know that I’m depressed. I suppose telling them might help them understand I need to talk to someone, but everytime I think about telling them I’m crippled by fear. I don’t know how they’ll react, if they’re going to laugh and think I’m just trying to get attention, or if they even believe in mental illness. I don’t know what to do.

I attend an online school due to health problems, I rarely talk to others outside my immediate family, and most days I do nothing. I’m left alone with my thoughts and nothing but time. I struggle everyday trying unsuccessfully to lose weight, my teeth are in terrible condition, and I can see all my friends surpassing me as I was held back.

What do I do? I want so bad to get help, but I’m so afraid of what will happen when I do. I don’t want my family knowing what’s wrong, but I have no other way of conveying the seriousness of my situation. What am I supposed to do?"
mentalhealth,"So I have a problem. I mean this is kinda a way to vent but I’m also wondering if I can get a different perspective on this too. So my parents always correct me on everything, everything I do needs to be corrected to them. Even the things I do I seem to get corrected on. And my dad talks to me like he’s disappointed and disgusted with what I’ve done. But here’s the thing, everyone does the same thing they keep telling me not to do. So for instance, rinse your food out of the dishes before putting them in the sink. So yes I agree with this rule. But no one else is told to do that and everyone else gets away with it. But I’m always told to do it and talked to about it. Then I bring up to the person talking that literally everyone in the house doesn’t do this so why am I supposed to listen if no one else does? So then the person I’m talking to complains and complains and says “we’re not talking about them right now because I’m talking to you” I know there saying that to shift the conversation away and put the blame on me like I control all the food on all the dishes and like it’s always my fault. But this happens with literally everything and I always get talked down to and blamed for it and no one else changes there habits but they expect me to change mine."
mentalhealth,"[25M] I'm not sure why I feel this way.. I recently stopped smoking weed (after doing it almost every day for 6 years) because it was taking a toll on my mental health, making me paranoid, etc. and it would help me feel comfortable being alone. I would almost never want to do anything social after smoking.

However...it's been about 3 weeks and I feel super lonely. It's made me realize that I have very few friends and for some reason I feel like I NEED a significant other. I know this is wrong and unhealthy, but lately I have no motivation to do much besides get the little work I need to done for the day and scour dating apps trying to force something.

I know that I need to be comfortable being with myself and not needing drugs or alcohol to feel ""fine."" Any advice would be really appreciated because I feel stuck and like I'm regressing."
mentalhealth,"Why are all of my friendships like this (questions/venting)

in basically all of my friendships i feel like i have to do all of the work, i have to start conversation, i have to keep the conversation going, i always have to invite the other person to hang out ect. every time i stop doing these thing our friendship falls apart. why does this happen with all of my friends, why no one new i meet never tries to befriend me, everyone always forgets about me, why isnt anyone ever interstated in me like there are thing unique about me (at least i think so) and why does everyone has a best friend but me like who am i supposed to be friends with when everyone has someone who they like more than me"
mentalhealth,"Clueless My mother has crippling depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. I am lost on how to help. Her whole personality has changed and it hurts to think she’ll never truly be her again. She believes God is torturing her and it scares me. She tells me that God is torturing me as well. I don’t know how to respond because I am an atheist. Does anyone have advice?"
mentalhealth,"just like want advice on whatever i'm going through this could be confusing but just incase anybody knows what this is or why its happening

my moods rapidly change from good times with my mates to down right suicidal as soon as they leave me

I constantly belittle people and make them upset, and get enjoyment out of it, however much i find myself trying to stop that kind of behaviour i end up doing it anyway

I get a lot of built up frustration from just being around people I like or dislike, and I very often get to the point where i'm just bursting with anger and sadness at like 11 o'clock at night and having nightly breakdowns of the same thing every time

fully aware this could just be a classic case of teenager syndrome but i'm interested to see if anybody knows more about these things than I do, because i'm mostly oblivious"
mentalhealth,Anxiety because of work So last Thursday I was screamed at by two of my managers because I sat down in lobby for a minute to fix the back of my shoe and sent home early. I was told I was not allowed to return to work until I talked to the general manager of the store. I’m going in tomorrow but I can’t sleep and I feel like I’m the verge of an anxiety attack. I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job because of this even though it’s my first incident since I started working there almost a year ago where I was sent home and told the same thing because of an actual incident that happened. I can’t afford to lose this job either due to bills and etc. 
mentalhealth,"Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) Hey you guys how do I treat this illness? If you don't mind can you please list the techniques to treat it, manage it, make it weak?"
mentalhealth,"AMA about Multiple Personalities, Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm currently in the planning phase of YT channel in which everyone on  my system share experiences about how we go thru life, our discovery that we have DID, and techniques that personally have been very useful dealing with trauma and try to give my best of an informed opinion on everything that i can explain to everyone interested.Im going to give answers to everyone here to then script, and edit into a coherent Yt piece.  
I would like to answer all kinds of question regardless of how silly or maybe dumb, even some that could be deemed offensive in certain situations"
mentalhealth,"Strange feeling in dining areas Ever since coming to college, I’ve been experiencing this weird feeling in my head when in any kind of dining area (dining halls AND restaurants). I’d like to say it’s like dissociation, but not as intense, I guess? I feel spacey and off and my chest feels “open” and “empty”. It makes me withdraw and become very quiet as I start to stare into space a lot. Sometimes it helps to have a very active conversation going on but it’s also hard to focus on conversation.  I just feel very out of place and low-key wrong. 

I have social anxiety so my first thought is to say it’s something anxiety related, but I’m not sure how. Does anyone else experience this? Know how to fix/deal with it? It makes me very hesitant to go to dining halls, knowing I’m just going to end up feeling Off. "
mentalhealth,"Vitamin D is an absolute miracle So long story short, I was experiencing incredible fatigue, brain fog, lack of motivation and depression symptoms. It got to the point where I thought there was something seriously wrong with my body/brain. I felt like daily I was at a constant battle with negative/dark thoughts and I wasn’t necessarily thriving, yet just existing and praying negative thoughts wouldn’t take over my day. Fast forward, I got some blood work done, and my vitamin D levels were below 20. The first day after my blood test results came in, I started 5000 IU vitamin D from a good quality manufacturer, and I kid you not, within 1 hour all my symptoms gone. For the first time in months I was actually motivated and excited to live and go out and experience things with my friends. For the longest time I felt as if I was just forcing myself to go out and not isolate. It’s incredible how such a simple fix to what I thought was a terminal problem has made a HUGE impact in my mental well being in such a short amount of time. I feel as if negative thought isn’t even able to exist in this new state of mind of been in, just from 3 days of supplementing vitamin D. For anyone feeling low or darker skin tone like my self, please get your vitamins checked!"
mentalhealth,"I messed up, its been a year...  I keep disassociating from reality and keep allowing my entertainment addiction to take over and disrupt my studying. Its gotten really BAD to the point I've put off studying and rescheduled exams later and later in fear of failing. I know I'm stuck bc a year has gone by and I can't control it. I've hit rock bottom. I'm alone. Really lost. I need to pass this exam. How can I pick myself up?

**How does someone who suffers from depression and anxiety that has hit rock bottom, and has no one to support them, get up again on their own to overcome something that they haven't been able to?**"
mentalhealth,"I want to kms but I can’t I don’t value my life, I am miserable every day and I am just so lost at this point. I would end it rn if I could but it goes against my morals, I could never do such a thing to my family and friend. Still, I have no hope for myself, I believe that one day I’ll just resort to drugs or alcohol and become an addict because there is no other escape for me. I also have no real ambitions or life goals so it’s really hard to put effort into anything because I know it won’t matter at the end.

It’s all my fault as well, I’ve had all the resources to become a happy person. I grew up in the upper middle class, parents aren’t abusive and I go to a good public high school. I still managed to ruin everything for myself, I only have 1 good friend, everyone at school dislikes me and I’m just so fucking lonely. I know I am supposed to be responsible for my own happiness but why is it so hard? I really don’t know what to do anymore since I can’t just kms. 

(I started going to a therapist recently and I’m on antidepressants btw)"
mentalhealth,"Trying to get around my selfish feelings to help my partner My boyfriend (M, 31) and I (F, 26) have been together for six and a half years. Over those years we've done bits of long-distance due to work and education commitments, but remote working enabled us to move in together in March 2020. Since then, we moved to my home town together and now both have good jobs and a nice place. In January 2022 whilst on a trip to the city we met in, we went to a jewellers and I picked out my dream engagement ring. He put a down payment on it there and then and I was over the moon. He a couple of months later went back to pay the rest and pick it up. 

This might sound a bit unconventional, but I had mentioned that I wanted to help choose because he admitted he had no idea what I'd like. We've known that getting engaged is the obvious next step for us so we talk about it pretty casually, so it wasn't a huge surprise when he happily bought me a ring. 

Months later, we are still not engaged. I was getting fed up because I want it so badly. I am crazy about this man and I want to take the next steps more than anything. 

Over a few days, he seemed really ""off"". He wasn't sleeping well, he's had low energy and in a bit of a slump. After some gentle probing he told me that he believes he is depressed. He has been seeking help without me knowing for a couple of months but hasn't found it to be helpful. He says he just can't be bothered with anything and he needs to get more out of his life. I totally get it, since we moved he hasn't made any new friends and we spend most of our time together. We go out and have fun and we rarely get annoyed with one another, but I know he needs his own people. He then told me he doesn't want to propose to me whilst he feels like this because he won't be able to make it special or feel the joy of the proposal itself. 

And I can't lie, I'm absolutely heartbroken. I honestly felt like we were happy and he was enjoying things, and I felt like we were in a super stable place and that engagement was imminent. Turns out he's been feeling like this since Covid started and I was none the wiser. I feel like a really bad girlfriend for not picking up on that, and sad that I haven't been there for him like he's needed me to be. Selfishly, I am gutted that we won't be getting engaged soon. We have been together for such a long time and I feel like I'm just never going to be good enough for him. Since this happened I feel like all the colour has drained from my life. I haven't laughed, I've barely smiled, I don't want to kiss him, I don't want him to touch me. I have found and arranged some talking therapy for him, I've put new routines in to help with his sleep and energy, overhauled our eating habits and I'm encouraging him to get some exercise. All of this is at the detriment of my own happiness. I've got a long history of GAD which has been under control for a couple of years, but now I'm spiralling into thoughts of self harm, I've got intrusive thoughts, I'm anxious when he walks out the door and I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday too. He's just acting his normal self. I've tried to explain to him that whilst he's known about this for a long time, it's a massive shock to me and has meant big changes that I wasn't expecting. 

I want to put him first, I want to help him get through this, but I can't help but mourn what I thought was a happy, healthy relationship. I was so wrong for so long. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. He says he's got no thoughts of self harm or suicide but that he feels indifferent about life. That hurts so much because he makes my life shine. 

I'm worried that I won't be able to shake my feelings and that the end to our relationship is inevitable. I desperately desperately want to get engaged and feel secure in our relationship, and my anxiety is going off the scale. I just don't know what to do, but I know I would rather be single than begging for commitment whilst battling both our mental health. 

Any advice is welcome."
mentalhealth,"Finding therapy without the help of my parents? I turned 18 last August, so this isn’t some newly adult scheme to fix my fake mental illnesses, but where would I go to find help without going through my parents? I’ve had therapists before and even a hypnotherapist, but that was when I was much younger. It’s nearly impossible for me to talk to trusted people because I know them. I know whatever I tell them they will remember whether they find it embarrassing or not and I’m not at all comfortable with it. I just want to be able to do things on my own therapy wise without my parents is this even possible? Thanks in advance."
mentalhealth,"Therapist VS. Licensed Professional Counselor What's the difference between a Therapist and Licensed Professional counselor? I went to a Licensed Professional Counselor and we only talked about one thing and that was my relationship issue at the time. Didn't ask me any different question in order to link stuff from my past to the situation but just talked about the relationship. This kind of counseling to ME didn't feel helpful, so I ask just because I'm now skeptical of the professionals."
mentalhealth,"Feeling intense guilt and venting about childhood that created those feelings I struggle with intense feelings of guilt, about seemingly small day to day things. I just found this article that is surprisingly really helpful https://www.elitedaily.com/life/let-go-toxic-guilt-past/1341839 

Growing up, I had an extremely overly critical sibling, a parent who would tell me not to get mad and express any negative emotion because it would upset my other parent, and both my parents were very emotionally unavailable and aren't people you can share things with to just talk them over. My mom would share my personal business to anyone, the kids in my class, my teachers, strangers. And sometimes they wouldn't even be true, they'd be about my sister. I was also given far too much time by myself without hardly any direction. And I realized recently how I faced so much rejection every day. It was mainly coming from my sibling, who's opinions were so overbearing and forceful, I took them as facts, and unconsciously thought I had to be her for a while. I'd go to her for her opinion on anything and everything. Now that I've stopped doing that, for years I've been spending less time with her, allowing myself to disagree with her, not ask for her opinion or advice, I even stopped sharing things with her because she tells everyone and doesn't even see anything wrong with it. Since I've been doing those things now she say's I don't get along with women, she thinks I'm sexist, because I no longer treat her like she's above me and believe every word she says. I'm learning how all these things culminate into me feeling guilty as an adult for almost everything.

Both my parents also have intense victim mentality's, nothing is there fault, they tend to blame the other person. My sister is similar, she blames me for so much. Years ago, I once said, I was an annoying kid. And her response was, ""I've been waiting for this for so long"". And she doesnt remember that happened, she denies it and says I need to apologize for how I acted as a kid, when I bring up this moment she says it never happened. I think she purposely forgot because she uses me to make herself feel better. She needs someone to be below her, she gives me advice without me asking for it, she will always tell me I'm doing something wrong, and she doesnt listen to me and always corrects me. I think growing up around all this self-victimization and blame, made me feel intense guilt."
mentalhealth,"Advice for dealing with self harm urges ? I have heard of the rubber band thing where you smack yourself with a rubber band and it’s supposed to help with self harm urges, but I get very itchy and scratch through skin when feeling overwhelmed and those are the urges that I can’t seem to get a grip on. When I tried the rubber band thing it just made me feel more itchy. I ended up scratching myself really bad a couple times and cutting my nails didn’t seem to help? I was wondering if any of you guys have some advice for dealing with this kind of thing?"
mentalhealth,"Am I wrong? Okay so I’ll give some context and whatnot so that my question is from my side of the story. Basically I have been worried and scared for the past month and now about my gf and her safety, sadly I’m not with her right now so my best bet is to talk to her and try my best to comfort her. But here is the tricky part, if I try to talk to her when she is at a low point, she may either not answer what I’m saying and say “sorry” or she won’t talk to me at all and she shuts off her phone on occasion and I’m left panicking and worrying about her because she is important to me. So my thought process is pretty logical, and so I started to think of how I can get her to talk to me instead of just dodging the important stuff, so I thought of certain things to give myself some leverage with her. Some of them involve me saying to her that I’ll feel like shit if she keeps this up and if she doesn’t at least try to give me the trust that I deserve. There are other things I thought of but even I know that those ones are toxic and wrong to try and use. But my question is basically, is it wrong to do what I am doing? Is it manipulative? I think it’s a little manipulative but I do it because I’m so incredibly worried for her and I can’t keep feeling like shit every other day whenever she feels bad and doesn’t talk to me."
mentalhealth,"Starting Over. Hello all,

New here.

I have a depression and I am autistic (aspergers), and I have recently decided to share my journey with other people. About how I deal with things (or not) and how I am going to deal with things, how I am (going to be) fighting my depression, and maybe in the process of this all, hopefully be able to not just help myself by talking about these things, but also help other people with simillar issues, or even just give them the courage to talk to someone or get help.

My first video of the year I am just explaining some things about me, where I have been and where I want to go.

But I will be creating more video's (not just about these two subjects) about depression and autism.

Hope you guys and girls appreciate what I am trying to do here, and maybe take the time to watch my video and give me some things to talk about, like, what you want ""regular""/healthy people to know and be made aware of, or just say hi to me and to support me on this.  


You can check out my 1st video on this here: [Starting Over](https://youtu.be/3SJ_ETaxo9c)  


Greetings to all, and since it is still January,

May you have a happy and healthy 2020,

Roy"
mentalhealth,"Anybody know anything about how I feel please? Worried about the way I think? Dissociation?

Hey, I don't know if this is the right subreddit for this; 

Recently me and a flatmate of mine have come across videos online talking about D.I.D ( Dissociative identity disorder) and after discussion with my flatmate about it all, we got onto the topic of internal voice or so and at this point I already knew that I can't really picture things in my mind, I can sort of see like vauge shapes and very faintly colours but picturing something mentally doesn't really work for me. But then I sort of realised that I don't think I really have an internal voice either. It's hard to describe but my thoughts feel like forced? And as if they take active effort to sort of conceptualise? There's no version of my voice in my head sort off doing things, it just sort of happens? 

It's really frustrating and vauge to explain and to try and describe it and ever since thinking about it, I have sort of felt Dissociated from my body to some slight extent, like detached and not totally their with my extremities feeling strange. 


I was really wondering if this is normal or should I seek help from someone or if anyone at all has anything like this, it scares me quite a bit thinking about it, frequently getting my upset for no real reason and any sort of help would be greatly appreciated. I’ll respond to any questions if it helps clarify"
mentalhealth,"Poppa Poppa.

My name is Poppa.

My name is Poppa because I never had one.

My name is Poppa because I had to raise myself.

My name is Poppa because you dragged me down and poisoned me.

My name is Poppa because soon you will die, your smoke will devour your lungs.

My name is Poppa because it makes me feel powerful, now I know how you felt about it.

My name is Poppa because I thought a different name would make me a different person, it doesn’t I don't feel different.

My name is Poppa because I thought I could move on from everything, I guess not, I'm so stupid to believe this would change anything. 

My name is Poppa because I hold grudges, I hate you so I changed my name, I still feel the same. Am I?

My name is Poppa because I won’t be happy with these thoughts of you, I hate you. Do I?

My name is Poppa because I am stupid to believe I could change, I cant. Can you?

My name is Poppa because it doesn’t matter anymore, I don't care. Do I??

My name is Poppa and I have pills, pop a pill to forget. I still remember

My name is Poppa because this is it, nothing matters. correct.

My name is Poppa because I'm cruel. why should it matter?

My name is Poppa because I had one, he let me down.

My name is Poppa because I am like you.

My name is Poppa because I am cruel.

My name is Poppa.

Poppa."
mentalhealth,"When I was a kid I used to fantasize about my own death This probably sounds concerning, but it’s not in that way. It was mainly an attention thing- I would fantasize about death and what would happen after- who would be saddest,who would come to my funeral, etc. I had this idea that ceiling fans would fall and could kill people so I would always deliberately sit underneath them. I told my friend about this, and they told me it was weird. Kinda thought it was a universal kid thing. Thoughts?"
mentalhealth,"Help pls Yo, so I’m a first year college student who’s still kinda getting used to everything that comes with university. I was hoping you could give me some advice on how you handled a situation similar to the one I’m in.

Essentially, I’m working 11+ hours a week, am a STEM double major, and have a relatively demanding social life. Realistically, I should have next to no free time if I want to be healthy/successful, but as a (self proclaimed) introvert, constant social interaction and exposure to stimulus flips the switch that makes me want to isolate and take time to recharge. However, I don’t have much time to do this, so I involuntarily (low willpower) eat away at the time I should be using to study, sleep, etc.

The stress and relative dip in mental stability due to this unhealthy and irresponsible lifestyle causes me to make poor decisions in personal life. (Ie, I’ve been pulled aside by managers to discuss poor work performance, and a close friend of mine’s expressed concern that I haven’t been spending too much time with him. (I’ve also been falling behind on course content and hitting mental blocks when it comes to assignments))

Any ideas on how I can address the dip in willpower? I’m worried that continuing like this will lead to a general increase in depression/anxiety."
mentalhealth,"Nobody knows... I (26M) have pretty much always had social anxiety and a slowly growing depression. So after years (5-10 ish) of more or less misery, I finally did something about it. At the start of last year I started therapy/medication for depression and social anxiety, the former being more of a symptom of the latter I would say (that's a different story though). To my surprise it actually worked (mostly the therapy I think), I actually enjoyed talking about it to people (it was group therapy), and therefor last year was the best I've had in years. That being said, both the therapy and meds have ended months ago by now, and I'm starting to feel like I need to go back. I think I've been in steady decline for the last few weeks/months now, I can definitely feel the darkness starting to grow again, slowly.

The thing is, no one in my life knows about any of this, not my family, not friends and not the people I work with. I could keep going back to therapy till the end of time and keep things as they are. I just feel like if I'm going to have any chance of making this more permanent, I need to tell at least someone, and I have tried to do just that since the therapy started. Especially my family, but after years of hiding everything I just can't look them in the eye and tell them how broken I really am. I guess I'm mostly afraid my parents would blame themselves. 

I don't really know where i'm going with this, if anywhere, but I should really try and get some sleep now. Though I guess hearing experiences from others that are/where in the same boat would help. Worked in therapy so why not with this here."
mentalhealth,"Please help Hello, I have severe issues to committing to anything, ranging from fixing bad habits such as overeating, being inactive and oversleeping. I also have trouble with making plans and not following through, I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve tried everything I can think of to try to have determination and push past doing this but my brain always finds an excuse to not do it. This is taking my life down a bad path and it’s the #1 thing I need to fix in my life."
mentalhealth,"DAE feel embarrassed to be alive? Like, specifically -embarrassed- to exist?
For me, I believe it's a reaction to my shy/ quirky personality and inability to fit in with others or being able to make very very few friends that makes me feel ashamed to ""be perceived"" by other people. Being noticeably very different from other people. And noticing the way people treat others vs how they treat me.
I have heard and read lots of people's experiences but I have never specifically heard anyone say they feel embarrassed to be alive."
mentalhealth,"My brother’s filmed me in the shower. I think I’m depressed Just to start off—I’m not very articulate when it comes to reddit. I’m fairly new and I haven’t used it very much, so honestly I’m not sure if this should be posted in this other subreddit I found (r/offmychest) or here.
To give an explanation to my title...it’s just what it is. My brother, who is 11 years older than me has filmed me in the shower with his phone hidden under our sink. I’m a girl, just to be clear, and I just finished high school. He’s done this to my sisters (I have 2 who are essentially the middle children, 7 and 9 years older than me) and he started with them. I’m pretty sure he’s done many other things as well. I remember waking up one night to him snapping photos of my chest (with his hand lifting my shirt up) in the dark while all of us should’ve been asleep (the four of us shared one bedroom before because our house doesn’t have many rooms and it’s normal for my family to share rooms. Thankfully, we cleared a room so he sleeps there now). I just pretended to be half awake and went back to sleep, rolled to my side and never spoke of it for years. Mind you I was 11. 
I think at this point in time I started to become...fucked up in the head. This was before I found out that he’d done the same things to my sisters as well, and I guess it just stuck to me. My brother is fucked up. And I’m fucked up for accepting it and doing nothing. 
A few years later the three of us (my sisters and I) caught his phone under the sink. That was the first time I found out that I was being filmed in the shower, and that my sisters were victims, too. My reaction to it was...minimal. I felt no emotion. We snuck his phone out, deleted the footage and placed it somewhere he’d find it. I don’t really remember how exactly I felt, but I don’t remember feeling much of anything. Just “so it’s not just pictures”.
That wasn’t the case for long, though. I started to get worried. And gradually, fear and dread grew in me and it’s bothered me ever since.
We told both our parents later on. We’ve done nothing. All of us just hoped that he’d stop one day and we would just watch our back. I don’t even want anything to happen. I don’t want to confront him. I don’t want my parents to be sad. I don’t want the family to be torn apart.
What makes me feel even worse about this whole thing, though, is how I don’t feel as if I deserve to be scared of my brother. He’s never done anything to me physically. Some months ago I thought of this exact thing. I don’t deserve to feel horrible. I still don’t believe that I do. My sisters aren’t even acting scared. It seems like the only person they worry about is me. But I don’t want them to worry about just me. Why don’t they say anything? Why won’t they tell me if they’re scared? Are they not scared at all?? Am I the only one who’s thinking all of this? If that’s so, then I shouldn’t feel like this. If they aren’t scared, then I don’t deserve to be.
I don’t remember the amount of times I’ve talked to myself. I can’t stop. I can’t stop talking myself down. I’m so fucking terrified, but I don’t deserve to feel this way. I’m so lucky I’m not being sexually abused by him, but I’m just so damn paranoid.
I don’t know if I’m depressed. I took 5 tests online—1 says I’m mildly depressed, 3 says I’m moderately depressed and the last days I’m severely depressed. I know I can’t fully trust these test as they can be unreliable, but I’m too scared to get diagnosed. I don’t even show most of the tendencies depressed people do. I haven’t eaten more or less, my interest in my hobbies haven’t dwindled, my sleeping patterns haven’t changed, etc. I’m afraid of telling my dad how I feel. I’m scared to ask him to take me to get diagnosed. In his eyes, I’ve always been strong. He always tells me I’m strong. He believes in me too much I don’t think I can let him down like this. But I’m so tired. 
I’m not suicidal, but right now the lines are so blurry. Like, I don’t mind if I die right now. If I get stabbed, I want to be left alone to bleed to death. In fact, I think I’d like to be stabbed. I feel like a shitty person. I want to feel the pain when I die. I deserve it.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve just stared into nothing, just talking to myself, crying. Because I know so many people in my life who have it worse. Even right now, as I’m writing this, I’m so hesitant to post it, because it feels like I’m looking for attention. I don’t know if people will believe me, but I’m so fucking exhausted. I don’t even know how often cases like mine happen. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been rambling, I apologise. I just hope someone’s read this far. I feel so alone. I need advice. I need help.
[edit: *update*— Thank you for the suggestions and advice you all have given me multiple times, as well as the encouragement. I never expected people to really care. Genuinely made me smile. I feel a little better:) *hugs*]"
mentalhealth,"Doing a PhD means being lonley I'm on my 3 year as a phd student, and I've been loving the work I do, but it feels like the loneliest time of my life. 
I recently moved to a new city (phd related) and I haven't been able to fit in. I find myself spending most of my weekends alone trying to find something worth watching on Netflix.
 I don't consider myself an introvert, I enjoy being with people, so this situation has been taking a toll on me. The worst part is that I feel like as time goes by, I loose more and more the capacity to make new friends or interact with others.
I never thought I would ever feel this sad.

Thanks for reading, kind stranger. This made me feel a bit better. "
mentalhealth,"I feel so alone, lost and out of place. I have a decent job with decent pay, a rentfree apt from the company i work at, a nice bemar, the cutest cat, good relations with family and friends(exept my biological father who doesent give two fucks about me and he lives in the same town). I’ve struggled with depression for over 5-6 years but never have i felt this empty and hopeless. Im currently in a mindset that i know that life is a wonderful gift and there is so much to live for, the places to go, the laughs to have, the journy of life is amazing, no doubt… but its just not for me. I dont care for any of it, idk if it’s because im so afraid of getting hurt by lifes “downes” that the “up-s” dont do anything for me, like having a family, travelling or buying a home etc etc. Im not suicidal, i could never do that to my family, and thats kinda what makes it worse, i just wish i wod cease to exist…"
mentalhealth,"Why can't I get myself to do something. Like I just don't get it, I tell myself, ""THAT IS IT. I WILL BECOME FAMOUS"" then I start procrastinating and end up doing nothing at all, wasting hours on pointless games, I need some sense knocked into me. Every time I want to do something essential for a change I eventually end up gaming or chatting on places like this. I'm honestly sick of it, it's like I'm a magnet and I oppose everything I want to do while it's the opposite for others, Helpppppppppp"
mentalhealth,"Self sabotaging cupioromantic feeling shitty. So I'm cupioromantic or at least I believe I am I mean my first girlfriend was a goth sadist who hurt me to where I mentally broke down to the point of being incapable of enjoying anything not even food. Regardless, before I got with her I was talking to one of our cliques friends about this girl

(note: I really didn't have any attraction to her other than I thought she sort of looked cute and I think we had a good friendship in the beginning biggest selling point was she played video games so.) 

Either way, first few days were fun I mean she would hold my hand and hug me but I was always like... okay? Everytime she hugged me or wanted to hold hands I had no real feeling towards it. 

(Another note: this isn't just to her it's to all the relationships I've been in despite wanting to really be in a relationship just incapable. Incapable of really feeling that attraction and affection, I think I'd love a relationship where we can have sexual chemistry but can still just be best friends.)

By self sabotaging I mean all of these relationships like 7-8 in total have either ended, because I tell them about all of the shitty things I've done and if that doesn't work I harm them emotionally until they leave me. Even if I really like them as a person I always manage to hurt them and it's like a repetitive pattern.

Guilt and shame -> forcing myself to not think about it -> self-medicating -> getting a little better -> resolved, still feel bad about it think about it from time to time -> meet someone new friend/relationship -> going well, a little confused -> confused that things are going a little too well scared of the potential pain -> self-sabotage -> rinse and repeat. 

It's like an addiction to me it's why I'm so afraid of ever giving people my number or being able to text people in general because I just feel like I'm going to hurt them which feels just as shitty. 

I don't want to hurt people, I really don't. I'm just anxious and afraid, like a second conscious of me needs control of something is going to go wrong. So I screw everything up to put myself back in control only later to come back to my original conscious and realize what I had done really hurt this person and I apologize profusely but the damage is done, of course.

I just wish I could have a healthy relationship where I can control my self sabotaging tendencies and just be happy. I just don't know how to figure out my feelings or anything because I don't even really think I love my parents, I just deeply care for them but I wouldn't constitute that as love.

I don't know what love is, I only understand the basic emotions. And I deeply care for friends but I don't love them, same goes for relationships. I wish I could but I just can't. 

Not to make this post any longer but I was sexually abused when I was like 6-7 to 11 by a bunch of teenage boys who were like 3-4 years older than me they sort of gave me this bad mentality of like ""I like this and it feels good"" which put this bad tendency also to self sabotage sexually. Not to get into nitty gritty details to respect the people and follow the rules here, I haven't been in trouble with the law and I'm still a minor but just knowing all the terrible shit I've done.

Man I just wish I could go back in time and tell those people to never talk to me and run as far as you can away from me so I couldn't hurt them. 

I wish I could give a more clear explanation of all of this but this is the best I can do. There's a good article on a lot of what I'm talking about but not allowed to link it but doesn't matter I just could use some help, some level of understanding from someone. Some comfort.

(Footnote: I do have a therapist and psychiatrist I take 2 antidepressants one to increase dopamine and the other for serotonin, therapy hasn't done much for me but the drugs help in some ways.)"
mentalhealth,"Other peoples emotion affect me hardly Idk where to start.

I’m so sensitive of other people’s emotion. For example I discovered that one of my closest friend will not be able to conceive and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so overwhelmed thinking of how she might be feeling. Another scenario is that I also discovered that one of my friends will be repeating a year again in med school since she failed, and I’ve been crying since even though she told me that she is doing fine and she got over it. 

I hate it so much when I see others suffering. I mean A LOT. I just can’t stop thinking and crying of how they might be feeling. I sometimes wish that I don’t have feelings. It really interferes with my everyday activities. For example yesterday I couldn’t do my essay that is due soon because of that friend who will be repeating the year. I was thinking about it the whole day.

Idc what you wanna call me, whether it’s that I’m an empath or highly sensitive. I really do think that I need help with this especially that I can’t do tasks because of the immense sadness I feel.

And we all know that problems happen all the time. I can’t let these problems affect me. 

I just wanted to put this out here, and do comment on what you think of this :(. Should I see a therapist? I need an advice"
mentalhealth,"I think my dad has Asperger's I am 32 years old and have suspected for about 15 years that my dad has a mental deficiency. I always assumed it was narcissism or sociopathic tendencies. I recently began seeing a therapist for issues related to my dad and she strongly believes that he has Asperger's syndrome.

My dad is a genius and has an advanced degree, but never applied himself, has never really done much to positively impact the world (something very important to me), and shows very little empathy or emotional intelligence. After my mom died when I was 11 years old, he abandoned me and my brother so he could start a new life with another woman. After doing this terrible thing, he still expected to be a part of our lives and still does to this day. He has been divorced from wife #2 for about 15 years now. I have been more and more bothered by his lack of remorse and empathy after some recent visits with him (we live 12 hours apart). A couple of months ago, I finally had a conversation with him about how much he has hurt me over the years and how much his abandonment impacted my life. He was shocked and showed very little remorse or emotion at all. He is unable to look me in the eye when talking about anything remotely deep and it takes him a long time to vocalize a response. He also has no friends, spends all of his time either driving his antique car or building car models (he is retired). He doesn't seem bothered by his unfulfilling life. 

I am trying to find some resources on how to cope with a parent who has Asperger's, but all I'm finding is books on how to cope with children and partners with AS. Does anyone have a similar experience to me and/or have any resources they could share?"
mentalhealth,"Wondering thoughts on a huge anxiety trigger of mine.. So I'm a 27 F. 

|Previous Diagnosis|Current Diagnosis|Previous Meds (Same meds for 8 years)|Tried Medications\*\* |Current meds|
|:-|:-|:-|:-|:-|
|Depression|Borderline Personality|100 mg seroquel (quatiapine sp?)|Straterra|200 mg Sertraline|
|Bipolar|Anxiety|20 mg Paxil (paroxotine)|Ritalin|300 mg Wellbutrin (New within last 6 months|
||ADHD||Latuda (I liked but gave me insane itchy skin for 6 months then stopped working)|1 mg lorazepam (ativan, though sometimes in bad episodes i take two)|
||||Rexulti|On hand .5 mg clonazepam (only take those VERY VERY RARELY. only taken 2, in the last 6 months)|
||||Adderall||
||||Concerta||
||||Vyvanse ||

\*\*Medications that i remember trying within the last three years (never taken longer than 6 months), don't remember doses

\*\*Note\*\* i was unable to take any ADHD medication due to the fact they made me feel as if I would have a seizure, heart palpitations or anxiety attacks. 

I'm currently very comfortable with my diagnosis with my new psychiatrist of a year. he helped me get my anxiety service dog, has tried a lot of medications and has always taken what i'e said into consideration. if i told him i was scared of something, or disliked a medication, he always listened to me, respected my wishes. With my fiance, he's always noticed i've had a ""go go mode"" and a ""I need to nap"" mode always. But regardless of medication, i always seem to have extreme upset and need to clean my house and do house chores when i can get out of bed. To the point if they don't get done, i have a breakdown or panic attack. It almost becomes a need that when I get up, these things have to be done and they have to be done now. 

Even if I'm on a down day... I feel anxiety surrounding it. Seeing a mess or knowing i have to change the animals water or something.  I'm going to mention it to my psych when we meet (hopefully in person soon) as well as my fiance. is this just anxiety/bpd behaviour? Or is it possibly OCD behaviour as well? 

I know my dad definitely has anxiety/OCD type behaviours as we were never allowed to have dirty rooms in our house. To the point of he would come into a prety clean bedroom and demand we pick up a tiny piece of fluffy (paper, or something) off the floor. Or him asking if all the doors were locked, alarm on a bunch of times for him to just get up and check himself. 

Curious on everyones thoughts <3"
mentalhealth,I want to come out about my suicidal tendencies but I don’t want to spend time in the mental health ward. What should I do? Tittle
mentalhealth,"To go to old therapist or not? Hi guys! I went to therapy on a weekly basis last year and my therapist was amazing. She truly changed my life for the better and I was really happy I went out of my way to work to have the funds to take myself to therapy. However, I had to move to college which meant I couldn’t see her. Coming back due to the pandemic, I find myself spiraling out again due to .. well external news and the fact that i’m at home in a non stable  routine along with the fact that physics as a summer class is needless to say REALLY taking its toll on me. I thought I could handle it, and I did for the first few months of the pandemic but I caught myself falling into an episode a few days ago and it just fucking sucks. I need to remember that progress isn’t linear BUT I reached out to the therapy place again and they said she got her masters so the price increased (i originally paid 55 but now each session is 85). this definitely discouraged me but i mentioned how i was struggling to work and a college student and they reached out to my therapist and she told them to charge me the original price again. (‘: However, 55 per session is still a lot for me considering I can’t work. I get free counseling sessions from my school, but the last time I went the therapist was just not my vibe and I never went back. I’m having a dilemma because I can’t help but feel like a financial burden to my parents (i’m moving out back to school and it’s pricey) but at the same time I always preach to others mental health is important and even if there is a price tag it’s worth it in the long run. I don’t know if I should go to my schools therapy for free and start the process all over, (probably with another therapist) or just pay the $55 for my former one? Thoughts? Sorry i digressed so much. So many thoughts :("
mentalhealth,I just miss my dad When I was around five or six my dad moved away from us. My mom kicked him out after a while after she learned about him getting back into drug's. I haven't talked to him in a while around a year not for a by reason I just haven't. He lives in Hawaii and I live in Washington. so shit he could have got corona and I wouldn't know. He comes in conversation a lot in my family almost as like just a joke.My entire family especially the younger people tend to joke about our problems and eachothers.The same fucking thing happens to my cousin. Her dad relapsed and her mom kicked him out boom she barely even knows her dad. 80percent of my problems would be fixed had he been able to stay. The majority of the time I say his name it's as a fucking punchline. He has a very distinct smell very distinct like black guy smell(and no it's not weed he did sometimes eat lot brownies) I don't know how to describe besides funky. But I was laying down and suddenly smelt that same smell on me and it triggered this whole rant I'm just sad and miss him.
mentalhealth,"Does this count as psychological abuse? When I was younger, I was sleep deprived and never got the necessary REM sleep I needed. I fell asleep in class In school and at home at night, and I had all these horrible nightmares of really terrible things that happened to me, and they all were about this one guy who was bullying me in school. They were so vivid (sleep deprivation causes very vivid dreams) and I mixed them up with reality.

It got too much, I was getting paranoid and It got way too much for me. I asked people who were present in my dreams if any of it happened, but none of them gave me a straight answer and blanked me, which I know now is only natural because they couldn't understand what I was going through. 

The only thing I could think of was ask the bully himself. He saw this as an opportunity to fuck with my head, saying it all happened with a big smile on his face. He tormented me, telling everyone about it and everyone made fun of me in school, and I became terrified of him. He even showed up outside my house one time, my Dad and I were washing the car one time, he went inside to get something, and I saw the bully by the railings opposite my house just staring at me. My sister was also playing outside with her friends, and he looked at her in this really creepy way, and I was so creeped out. 

Then he started threatening to hurt my sister If I ratted on him about him bullying me to the teacher.
I was questioning everything, it all got too much for me to handle. 
I asked him once why he'd do it, and he said ""because I enjoy your reaction, it's very funny"".


He did all sorts of weird things to creep me out. He said he'd hurt my sister if I didn't do certain things, I don't want to go into detail, but it was all this fucked up shit that made me feel really uncomfortable.
He did get in trouble for that stuff I think, he went to councilling every Saturday or something like that , but called it ""correction school"" to make himself sound cooler in front of people on school.

I had more horrifying dreams because I still wasn't able to get to sleep, and he also kept fuckin with my head. Eventually he left the school. I heard he actually went to therapy because of something that he blamed ME for.
He told everyone that I psychologically abused him, making him think he was a bad person. I started thinking I was a bad person, and I just was so exhausted from everything I just couldn't take it anymore.
I don't know how but I just managed to block out everything that happened. I repressed it all for about three years and then I had a breakdown about three weeks ago, and everything started coming back to me."
mentalhealth,It's getting worse. It was okay for a while but today I walked into my kitchen and put my music on and got super terrified of the foor behind me and was scared to turn around bc with the music I wouldn't be able to hear if someone waf there but then I turned around and saw nothing and suddenly was Scared bc I was in The middle of the room with a door behind me so I backed against the door in the corner I'm tripping wtf is wrong with me
mentalhealth,"How do you politely tell your friend you cannot take on their emotional/mental health baggage The title is pretty self-explanatory.  I recently was diagnosed with PTSD.  I have been struggling with it for over a year.  I also have GAD, social anxiety, and OCD.  My ""friend"" is unloading all her problems on me and I mentally/emotionally/physically cannot deal with her stuff on top of mine.  I also have a hard time feeling empathy towards her because I feel like a lot of her problems are self-made because she doesn't take her job seriously.  I'm also struggling with this because she's done nothing for me at all with my mental health problems and I could argue has made me feel bad about being mentally ill and not being "" a good friend."" 

I have this internal struggle because I know everyone's mental health issues are VALID and they DESERVE to feel the way they feel but I'm just like come on girl really??????


UPDATE: she messaged me on multiple social media’s and I broke down and responded and she was so fucking mean to me. She said I’m faking PTSD and that  I’m selfish for blaming her for my mental problems. I’m really upset and hyperventilating I’m trying to not think about it but obviously it’s a fresh wound. Feeling super broken ):"
mentalhealth,"I dont know where to start So,

 i've been aware of my mental issues for years now, i've actually go to a psychologist before, twice actually (i've always think that mental health should be treated just like regular health) 
But both those times i got sent to the psychologist by my parents, not really remeber their reasons, it was years ago.

Now i want to go on my own, i'm a 20 y/o male from Chile, i can go to therapy pretty much for free in my college.

The thing is, i dont know what to say once i'm there,because i think i have plenty of issues, not too heavy i guess because i can still notice them in my own mind, said issues are low self esteem, anxiety, depression, anger issues and a toxic relationship with my mom.  Again, these issues arent as bad as for other folks, mad respect for them that endure worse. 

I think i can trace most of my things from the low self esteem and anger issues, those can be the main deal here, so i think i could start there.


Anyone else that went/its going through something similar?


PD; sorry if its poorly worded or something, as i said, i'm from Chile and i've never been to an english speaking country lol"
mentalhealth,"Lately , I have either been ridiculous or lonely . No context or story , its just how I have been feeling from past few days."
mentalhealth,"2020 sucks and I need to vent I learned one of my best friends has apposing and potentially harmful medical views for her future children

My work commute went from 20 minutes to an hour for less pay

My doctor told me my scoliosis has gotten worse 

I learned my SO has wracked up 15k in debts and didn't tell me

I've almost been run over 3 times while in the crosswalk

I had my groceries stolen

barely avoided 2 major accidents while driving caused by someone swerving out of their lane

Yesterday, my car got parts worth 5K dollars stolen that I'm not sure will be covered by my insurance

And this morning I was told my oldest family cat broke his back, is paralyzed, and will most likely need to be put down. 


All this, in a month. I don't know how much more I can handle. I can't get in my car without feeling scared of other drivers. A car swerved ever so slightly towards my boyfriend and I the other day and I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried in front of my mechanic this morning. I've been thinking of talking to a professional but I'm nervous because of poor experiences in the past with psychologists

Thanks for reading, I just needed to give my problems a voice so they stop taking up space in my mind."
mentalhealth,"worried about my current state I am just so mad, and i have thoughts about death, i feel like crying this anger is overwhelming. i dont know how to free mysef from it..i am worried i am about to absolutely loose it. i hate everything and everyone i just wish i was dead but also i dont have the courage to do it.. help me please i dont know what to do.. i am so irratated and its sitting on my chest"
mentalhealth,"I dont know how to reach out for help. I'm struggling with anxiety/depression and have so for a few years. Sometimes it's ok and other times it's a nightmare. I always feel like a burden when ever I attempt to reach out to a friend. I'll second guess any  time I want to say I'm not ok. I don't really know why I feel the way I do because I haven't really had anything to cause me to feel like this in a long time, but I think the effect it had on me has stuck and I can't get rid of it. 

Not really sure what I want to say here. I just needed to get it out somewhere. "
mentalhealth,"I can feel myself going crazy I don't feel good. I feel like shit. I have been having arguments with my family and been hurting everyone close to me. There are times when I want to end me. I can't afford therapy and I don't know what to do. Please give me some advice. Please. I don't feel human. I feel like an animal when I yell at my father and mother. Please, please tell me something I can do."
mentalhealth,"A Bunch of Bananas My best friend and I are very into self-care and maintaining our mental health (we both have anxiety, have been/are in therapy, and I have a super fun case of depression every once in a while as well). We also like to make sure that we are constantly learning and trying to break down the stigma surrounding MH. This is all to say that we have both been trying to cut down our use of the words ""crazy"" and ""insane"" in general conversation. It's.so.hard. As someone who has very easily used the correct pronouns for people, stopped using the R-word years back, never used slurs, and is so invested in the mental health field, it's maddening how difficult it is to not let one of these two words slip out. 

On a normal basis I try to replace the word with what I *really* mean: something is bizarre, confusing, ridiculous, or absurd, etc. But there have been times where I have genuinely struggled to come up with what I mean besides something is ""crazy.""

And that's where ""a bunch of bananas"" comes in. For no particular reason, we started using an array of banana-specific desserts (banana pudding, banana creme pie, banana muffins, etc) as a silly way to replace the word ""crazy"" and then we hit on ""what a bunch of bananas!"" and the amount of times that we have used it in the last few weeks is ridiculous but it just **works** for some reason. 

And that is how two people are trying to make their small pocket of the world a little better."
mentalhealth,dark cloud on mind Often I have this dark cloud weighing on my mind. it makes me feel ... burdened and not free. I noticed that when I drink alcohol this dark cloud goes away. What is this and what can I do to deal with it without using alcohol? Thank you!
mentalhealth,"I’ve been crying so much lately I’ll be separated from my sister for quite a long time, there’s so much problem in my life rn, I can’t stop thinking of how my grandmother could die anytime (she is 79yrs old) there’s so much thoughts in my mind, my situation, sister, grandmother, I’m crying as I’m typing this, I hate my attitude, personality, father, I hate how I constantly lie to people, idk how to cope, I’ve been thinking of killing myself, drink heavily with alcohol and jump of this building, it’s a 43FL building btw so that would surely kill me, I want to end all these thoughts in my head I am having quite a lot of mental breakdowns lately idk how to deal with my situation anymore. Pls I need help I’m not suicidal I just don’t want to exist anymore"
mentalhealth,"Reduced dose of risperidone causing palpitations? Hi, I'm on a phone so excuse the formatting.

I've been on risperidone (atypical antipsychotic) for two years, and have reduced over time from 4mg to 0.5mg and have over the past two months or so had heart palpitations almost every day.

It doesn't seem to be linked to anxiety since I don't have any other anxiety symptoms but I'm just a bit worried that this could get worse when I stop medication next month.

I've also recently stopped taking procycledine which I was taking for the side effects of risperidone (stiffness, slurred speech, tremors)

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar?
Thanks"
mentalhealth,"When I finally get what I want, I suddenly don't want it anymore. I don't understand why? 22 F. Let's say there's this game I want. I'll really, really, really want to purchase it and play it. I'll save up money for weeks, work extra hard, until finally I have the means of purchasing the game. When I finally get it, I suddenly feel indifference towards it, and sometimes won't even play it. Or I'll play it a little, and that's it. I really don't understand why I'm like this. It's gotten to a point where I just don't buy anything for pleasure anymore. Does anyone know why this happens to me?"
mentalhealth,"my depression and trauma treating COVID patients is making me suicidal CW depression, suicidal ideation, COVID

im a doctor working in NYC right now. I'm not in the ICU or the ER but I am seeing COVID patients daily. Last year when I was depressed and suicidal, on meds, in therapy. In intern year I saw some terrible stuff that gave me PTSD.  I  recently started to feel like I was getting better, healing, feeling supported and then this hit. 

In March I restarted medications anticipating I'd struggle with what is happening, and upped the frequency of therapy. I am not quite back to the level of depression I'd previously had, and my schedule at work is much more humane than it was at my last training location but I am still really suffering. I feel moral injury over the fact that so many people in power are just OK with me dying if it means the economy recovers - and there is no real expectation for support other than bullshit jet flyovers, cheering and pizza parties. I hate it when people call me a ""hero"" - I feel very small, insignificant, and pathetic right now. Even more I hate the people protesting lockdown, clamoring for ""natural immunity"" to take it s course and our politicians urging reopening while we still are this under-resourced. And I feel hopeless about things being okay again. I am already planning to take leave from work over the summer.  I dont feel like I can yet. I don't know. I worry I may not be able to actually practice medicine at all after this, and having spent so many years of my life and so much money trying to pursue it. 

Ive started to think about how I wish I'd actually killed myself last year, so I wouldn't have to suffer through this. Im not sure that Ive had enough good in the last 2 years to outweigh the bad and I am adding to my trauma and now having body pain that I am afraid will become chronic pain like I see in many of my patients. last night, I started trying to calculate if I had enough of certain medications in my home to kill myself.  I took some pills to just help me sleep and then went to bed, and I dont want to kill myself right now but.. it's so hard. 

I just need to say this somewhere so I dont lose my shit. Im too scared to tell my therapist about it yet or my husband or my other close friends because it's scaring me. I know I need to. 

​

An aside from having seen suicide victims/attempted suicide patients:  this is why I don't own a firearm. And why I dont think depressed people should own firearms.  If I had one, I'd probably not be here."
mentalhealth,"Mental Health in Games Mental health is something that should be taken very seriously. Many people is some way affected by this but at the same time many don't know about it or doesn't take it seriously.

I like to do my part by making people aware of this. So I made this series for a local gaming news outlet called ""Emmen Gaming"" about how games handles mental health. 

Please enjoy and share :)

Gris:
https://emmengaming.com/2021/06/25/mental-health-in-games-gris/"
mentalhealth,"What does it feel like to be happy? I’m sure I must have felt it at some point. But for the last 10 years (at least) it’s been at most just fleeting, flickering moments of tangible joy completely surrounded by dread. I see other people in almost identical situations and they look/act happy and I wonder, not only what their secret is, but just what does it feel like to be happy?"
mentalhealth,"I think I have selective mutism I (15m) have been doing research into why I have trouble speaking to people and have drawn the conclusion selective mutism is a probable answer because when I'm at school and a teacher asks me a question or something about myself I freeze up and feel like I can't answer them fearing that I'm wrong or they think I'm weird yet can speak freely to my friends and siblings but I am constantly worried if I tell someone they'll think I'm lying or just saying it for attention and I keep thinking I'm making it up in my head i don't know what to do   

Sorry it was long or if I offended anybody and thanks for reading"
mentalhealth,"how can i put the past behind me? i feel like everything i’ve been doing heavily relies on everyone’s opinion on me. i am constantly thinking of my trauma and sometimes listening to certain song lyrics triggers my memory of them and it ruins my mood.

i also can’t let go of past friendships and relationships. i care too much and i shouldn’t and i always dwell on the past and it’s preventing me from growing. how can i let everything go and move on to better things?

(i’m not asking how to get rid of my trauma, i’ve come to terms with it already but the memory keeps popping up)"
mentalhealth,"Problems with sex & relationships I’d like to start of by saying I’m brand new to this I don’t really use reddit but I don’t know where else to go to for advice like this and I really need help. 

I’m a 19 year old gay male. I am a total virgin, never had any sort of sexual relations with anyone. I’ve also never been in any sort of serious, long term relationship, however I have had short term “relationships” with several guys that usually last a month at most before things go downhill. 

I am writing this post because I am currently talking to a guy who I have a strong connection with and I don’t want to ruin this, like I’ve done so many times before, so I’m here to ask for help. 

Now the reason I say I “ruin” any relationships is because for some reason I have severe anxiety when it comes to going on dates, FaceTiming, etc. with any guy I’m talking to. This is how it goes for most of my “relationships”.

I’ll find the guy on a dating app or through a mutual friend, pretty normal. We start texting & snapchatting for a few weeks, we flirt and eventually they ask me to hang out or just go on a date somewhere. This shouldn’t be a problem for me because I will genuinely be interested in the guy and want to pursue a LTR but for some reason my anxiety gets in the way and I end up coming up with excuse after excuse on why I can’t hang or go on a date and eventually the guy will just assume I’m not interested, which is not the case but he gets tired of trying to take me on a date and just stop talking to me. 

Ive repeated this pattern to at least 10+ guys in the past few years and I’m really tired ruining any chance I have at love and it’s genuinely starting to make me feel like I’m alone and hopeless. All my friends have had or are currently in an LTR and I thought I would get over it when I started graduated high school, or whenever I just found the right guy but I’ve passed up so many opportunities and it’s starting to affect my mental health. 

Another similar issue I need to get help with is my even more severe anxiety when it comes to sex. This part may be a little TMI but I feel like I need to address all the issues I’m having if I want actual help. 

Like I said earlier I am a total virgin. I’m not exactly sure if this is connected somehow but whenever I’m pursuing a guy my sex drive is basically at 0. I have pretty bad body dysmorphia even though I’ve never been overweight I just tend to obsess about my weight, however I have been making a lot of progress and I am slowly becoming more confident with my body but I’m still in this same predicament, so I don’t thing that is the reason why I’m still a Virgin. The thing I find strange is I normally have a fairly good sex drive (I’m a teenage boy, obviously lol) I have no problem sending nudes and body pics to random guys on Grindr who I don’t plan on ever meeting, however I do have a problem when it comes to sending nudes and body pics to guys who care about me and who I have a connection with. For most people my age, sex is basically a requirement for a relationship and pretty much every guy I’ve talked to sex is very important to them but when I’m in a relationship I can’t even bring myself to send them nudes and even weirder it’s almost impossible to masturbate when I have a guy on my mind because even thinking about the guy in a sexual way when I’m masturbating gives me this burning feeling in my chest and my anxiety goes through the roof. Anytime a guy brings up having sex with me it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I completely shut down. I find it concerning I can have sexual thoughts with guys I just met 5 minutes ago but I can’t even fathom the idea of having sex with a guy that cares about me and where love is involved. The best way I can explain it is my brain like completely shuts off my sex drive when I have feelings for a guy. 

The guys I talk to know I’m a virgin and that I have anxiety when it comes to sex and they say they’re willing to wait till I’m ready but there always a time limit before they’re tired of waiting and just move on. It seems like I’m being selfish when I ask a guy who has been sexually active since they were 15  to wait for me to be ready for god knows how long. 

I think that’s basically it. I’m sorry if this post was too long or confusing, like I said I’m brand new to this and I just really want some help or advice. Thanks in advance."
schizophrenia,"Death I was abused as a child. Then abused as an adult. I hear about people who found a good therapist. I hear about people who found a significant other. I just feel like I've always been hated, by the entire world, and no matter how bad I feel, I'm too messed up to come back to life. 

I'm so damaged I'm going to die before I ever get better."
schizophrenia,"Am I delusional for believing in some power or spirit to be responsible for schizophrenia? I've told this to my psychiatrists before but they didn't comment on it and when asked said that schizophrenia is caused by chemical imbalance in the brain. Idk but I find it hard to believe my brain can create all this stuff I see and hear on its own.  There are things from when I was deep in psychosis which I would have never been able to have imagined on my own. Too bizarre. Too abstract. Too weird.

I don't know what it is. I believe something external is the cause like a spirit from God maybe."
schizophrenia,"My life is hell Hi I’m new here and I haven’t been fully diagnosed yet. I’m at risk for developing schizophrenia but right now my diagnosis is major depressive disorder with serve psychosis. I wake up every morning to spiders crawling on my ceiling. I hear voice that yell at me and tell me to hurt myself. The new medicine helps but yet this is still happening. I’m beyond paranoid and think somethings out to get me. 

Now I have a new hallucination. It’s a bald man with a black suit and white button up shirt. He wears black sunglasses and follows me around. I see him at work just staring at me. Then in a blink of an eye, he’s gone. He also tells me they are coming. I don’t know who they are but I feel a sense of dread every time he speaks. I try to ignore him but he can talk to me telepathically. Most of the time I don’t even see him but just here him. He keeps saying they are coming.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week and hope to get answers."
schizophrenia,"never ending agony with psychosis So basically first I was diagnosed with hebephrenic schizophrenia because I acted out a lot, never washed myself, showed odd faces etc.

Then I was diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenia roughly 4-5 yrs ago.

I've been ill for the last 8 years and the permanent agony I experience is literally unbearable. I feel like my soul is under fire permanently by the voices and they literally never stop, even when Im asleep. I feel like everyone around me and on the streets is controlling what I'm thinking, they see anything I do, judge anything as negatively as my mind can even come up with.

Every time I'm trying to befriend someone, the voices make me uneasy, seem to control what I do and turn everything that person ever said against me in a single line, it's like the humour of 4chan and reddit combined but x10 times worse.

​

I never had a big problem with people being negative even though I was always sensitive. I could decide myself what I do, what I listen to and so on and so forth but now I can barely remember my name anymore. 

Psychosis keeps me pumped when I'm barely awake and torments me into smoking 30+ cigarettes a day.

I've tried every typical and every a-typical medication available in my region several times, people seem to give me up and I want to cry but theres nothing left inside of me but agony and torment.

​

What do I do now? Not asking for medical advice but I've been constantly ill without a break for the last 8 yrs.

​

Any severe cases like me here? How did you cope with hebephrenia? What did you do during such phases? Do people in your friend-circles/family think you did all of this intentionally?"
schizophrenia,"A schizophrenia survival guide I want to put together a survival guide to help. It would be free and created by us. 

The main reason I want to make this guide is because of all the misinformation. I want to put together what we all know, and make a resource for psychotics and their families. 

If you have helpful advice, contact me by commenting or DMs. I will not give out your username if you don't say otherwise. 

The pamphlet or book will be completely free.

Edit: I am reading all the comments and appreciate everyone helping. Keep commenting and DM-ing me.

If you are available for questions let me know. I'm thinking of starting a discord server so we can all discuss methods for dealing with struggles."
schizophrenia,"Schizophrenia is Ruining My Life Everyday is filled the same old bullshit,  I wake up, go to my classes, and go home. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia about a year ago. I’m new here, so some background information about myself, I’m a 21 year old male currently in my third year of college. I have been on countless amounts of atypical’s (Latuda, Vraylar, Abilify, Geodon, etc.) and absolutely nothing has helped. I’m currently on Risperdal and that’s still not doing shit. Pdoc wants to put me on clozapine but there’s no way in hell thats going to happen with all of the nasty things I’ve heard about it. Anyway, life is constantly dull. I don’t have many friends (I don’t go out much because of my paranoia), I don’t find pleasure in just about everything that normal 21 year olds do like going to the bars, trips with friends, etc. It’s just something you can’t ignore, and for those of you who are in my position now, or have been, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Life is not enjoyable by any means, even with there being a decent amount going for me (research positions available, I live in a nice neighborhood, I have a puppy) I still feel like complete shit about myself and the world. The smallest of tasks are seemingly impossible for me such as brushing my teeth, or having the motivation to shower or even get out of bed, as I’m sure many of you have also experienced this. I try to maintain a positive outlook on my life, and situations that I get into, but you can only be so positive when life becomes taxing and redundant. I honestly have no clue where I’m going with this (as I sit in my universities library brain dead from being here all day) but I’m just curious to see how other people have responded to different medications, CBT, or if you have your own ways of coping that may be different than the usual norms. Again, I’m new to this whole thing so if I’m all over the place, it’s because I have absolutely no clue where to start. If you’ve actually read this whole blerb throughout, I’d like to thank you immensely. If you got bored and stopped, that’s fine because honestly that’s what I would’ve done."
schizophrenia,"Havent been able to take my meds and am currently having a meltdown. I apologize in advance for any spastic typing. My brain isnt all there right now.

I take vraylar and fluoxetine daily and lorazepam as needed but lately the bills have been so ridiculous and im just a substitute at my job and havent been working much so the paychecks have been crap. My meds are cheap for the most part but that doesnt help when you have negative money. I havent taken my meds in weeks now and i feel things starting to come back. I have been doing so good lately the meds have been helping so much i have been asymptomatic for months but today i feel anxious about everything, more depressed than i have been in a long time, and my vision is dimming and getting wavy, my mind is racing at top speed thing about everything at once yet not being able to focus on anything at all. I cried 3 times in one hour. I had a growing pit feeling in my stomach until i threw up but now i feel it coming back. I just dont know what to do. I wont be able to have my meds til near the end of the month"
schizophrenia,"Any success stories of unmedicated schizophrenia? Its all in the title, do you have or do you know anyone who successfully recovered without medication?"
schizophrenia,Brushed My Teeth First Post but just wanted to share in the first time ever in my life I started brushing my teeth every morning. I'm no longer paranoid about it poisoning me or choking me. I can finally feel free from this and normal. That's all. 
schizophrenia,"Schizophrenic boyfriend having delusions of cancer My boyfriend (m18) has recently been extremely worried about a mole on his arm being melanoma despite multiple doctors telling him he is safe. A dermatologist appointment has even been made to comfort his worries for next week.

The mole is a small normal atypical mole. But he is extremely paranoid about it and has borderline obsessive thoughts and worries about it. He is searching melanoma all day and making his thoughts worse.

It is beginning to make me suspect it may be a delusion as he hasn’t been taking meds recently and because of his obsessive behavior about it. Even seeing some signs in Bob Marleys music. And signs in dates or things of religion.

We are contacting his psychiatrist of course but does anyone have thoughts or similar experiences? 

Thank you,
A very worried significant other."
schizophrenia,"A question about delusions? Hi everyone, I have a question about the experiences suffered by those with schizophrenia. I don’t have schizophrenia, but I know a couple people distantly who have it, and I’m curious to better understand it. I apologize in advance if the question is offensive, let me know if I should just not ask. 

When people with schizophrenia have delusions, do they know it’s happening? Is there a cognizance/awareness that tracks that it’s a delusion? Do they recognize it’s happening separate from reality, but can’t cut through the fog? Curious what the experience is like."
schizophrenia,"Selfie Sunday, me 4 years ago and me now 600 mgs of Seroquel, 30 mgs trileptal, 25 mgs prazosin, 5(?) mgs risperdal, 25 mgs visteral at 14 years old
I was a zombie"
schizophrenia,"i think antipsychotics are harmful Each time that i take antipsychotics, i feel really bad , i lose motivation and passion in my hobbies, i have cognitive issues,memory loss and brain fog. My weight gain is also big issue . Currently i am in court treatment order to take abilify 400mg and i feel it is like torture. I think we should promote ""my body,my rules"" because it is a human right to refuse ""treatment"". I read that antipsychotics shrink the brain and can cause tardive dyskinesia which is a brain damage characterized by involuntary movements and cognitive impairment.  There is little knowledge about antipsychotics and for that reason, the psychiatrists should not force involuntary treatment. Guys, what do you think about forced treatment?"
schizophrenia,"""A message"" and believing in it, s*icidal thoughts Just needed to write it down, I'm not in any danger, and if I'll ever be, I'll contact with professionals.


one of the voices last year said I'm going to die this year it's a voice I believe an angel talking to me

I'm dealing with a lot of things and lately I've been having an outside body experiences, I deal with dissociation as well, so it could be the cause for it

but since the angel said I got time till January (next month) I'm not sure...

I've also been doing pretty bad lately, like, more than usual, and I have this feeling since last year of death, like I'm getting close to it every day.

I don't feel scared or sad about it, I used to feel this way at first but now I don't, I just don't know what to do with that information and whatever is happening or will happen next for me.

I don't know if it's the truth, but it feels like it is...

what do you think y'all?... ever had a voice telling you something and it came true?

things are just so weird lately."
schizophrenia,does anyone have experience with group homes? What's it like living in a group home? What's your functioning level. What are the pros and cons. Etc. Are they helpful or harmful.
schizophrenia,How come I cant handle weed but I can handle crack I can do crack without getting psychosis but when I have a little bit of weed I get bad psychosis I thought crack was stronger what's your thoughts on that?
schizophrenia,"I feel like I just woke up from a 5 year long dream I still can’t believe it was all in my head and am having trouble facing this reality. Where I was driven insane by someone I think I was in love with, became a alcoholic/heroin addict and now have to rebuild my life at 31. Not that everything wasn’t also my fault but I wouldn’t have gone crazy were it not for a certain NPD girl.

I sort of just want to go back to being crazy because despite making positive steps forward (going back to work, clean for 6 months, losing weight, exercising and eating healthy), I still feel completely fucked quite often. I think I invented the delusions to feel hope in a situation that felt hopeless, although they were also insanely stressful a lot of the time too. I also still have trouble keeping delusions out when things get bad.

I’m rambling and am not even sure what I’m trying to say. I just feel disoriented, shocked and honestly really sorry for myself despite refusing to have a victim’s mentality anymore. I really wish this disorder was better understood because at this point I’ve accepted that no one will understand and I’m going to have to overcome this on my own. I feel like if someone gets cancer or has a horrible accident, then people band around them, and wish psychotic disorders were treated the same way.

Edit: I also feel that it’s unacceptable to even ask for help or let anyone know how much I’m suffering because I’m a man and that means I’m supposed to handle my shit. I can’t even vent on the fucking internet without feeling that way."
schizophrenia,"Finally Seeing Another Doc So long story short, I lost 2 psych docs in a matter of 2 months; 1 was commuting like 1.5hrs to the office they were seeing me at, and the other completely stopped practicing medicine due to some major medical issues they were experiencing. I've wanted a med change for a while but couldn't get one since I've been going through primary care. Today I finally pulled myself together and scheduled an intake at a center near where my new place will be (moving in June), and I can even get there by the bus pretty quickly. Just figured I'd share, keep your head up everyone, and take it one step at a time, you can make the changes needed in your life with some effort."
schizophrenia,"A problem going to sleep. So for a week now, everytime I try to go to sleep, I will feel the urge to kick, scream, and flail around. I'm wonder if this is normal. And it takes me hours to go to sleep. I don't know what's happening."
schizophrenia,"Switching to Haldol To Improve Sex Life My doctor is switching me to haldol from invega sustenna. On invega I experience sexual dysfunction such as no semen coming out, weak orgasm, etc. My doctor says haldol should improve my sex life. If anyone else on haldol and have issues?"
schizophrenia,"How time works according to my voices 1 sec = 2 secs
2 secs = 3 secs
3 secs = 0 (or naan) {which is Heaven}
4 secs = 4 secs
5 secs = 7 secs
6 secs = 9 secs
7 secs = 8 secs
8 secs = 9 secs
9 secs = 10 secs

4 mins = 4 secs

1 hour = 1 sec

1 day = No-time [or nun]
{Which is Hell}

1 year = 3 months
2 years = 4 months
3 years = 5 months
4 years - 1 year
5 years = No-time [or nun] {Which is Hell}
6 years = 6 months
7 years = 9 months
8 years - 8 months
9 years - No-time [or nun] {Which is Hell}"
schizophrenia,Schizophrenia making me antisocial and staying inside all day for months. I was able to go out to a store today alone! It was fast in and out no actual shopping just got some glue I needed and that’s it. I was very paranoid and the voices were loud and I was starting to have visions. Since I was alone it was scary. I tried my best to seem calm and normal but the voices kept telling me people were judging/perceiving me. I left and walked home as fast as I can (since I can’t drive from schizophrenia). Do you guys have problems being in public? Or self isolate? Please share your stories  :)
schizophrenia,"Schizophrenia and a cognitive error, on YouTube Attached below is todays video link to my “On Conquering Schizophrenia” YouTube channel. Today entails a prominent cognitive error. Like all, todays video is ever brief and can be viewed amid a corrective erasure! 

[https://youtu.be/6NFqyVgVe5E](https://youtu.be/6NFqyVgVe5E)"
schizophrenia,"Questioning Myself 20M I am not diagnosed schizophrenic. I got into psychedelics a couple of years ago and started to question reality a bit. The more that I took them my thinking processes started to change outside of trips. I started noticing a lot of synchronicities, having deja vu more often, hearing deeper meanings unrelated to discussions I would overhear or tv shows I watch, feeling as though sometimes something is communicating directly to me through everything. 

Now I’ve always been a problem solver, so I just started looking at this as another puzzle to solve. I started noticing patterns of concepts that repeat everywhere in my life. Spirituality, Collective consciousness, singularity, signs and manifestation, time and space manipulation, but along side these are psychosis, schizophrenia, near death experiences, seizures, and psychiatric care struggles. 

During a molly trip a few months back I had a psychosis experience where I ended up in an psychiatric center and it was right when all of these feelings of connectedness started to happen. These themes started to show shortly after this event. 

I tried to talk to my friends and even my family at some points about all of this, but the more I shared the more I could see they didn’t and didn’t want to understand. At one point I was on vacation alone and I ended up breaking down and calling my parents to fly my home that day and get me evaluated for schizophrenia. I thought I was losing my mind. They wouldn’t even accept that it could be that which somehow made me feel more alone.

I got back in touch with a friend from my childhood who has been diagnosed schizophrenic for a few years now. I talked with him about everything and continue to because he understands. He processes information the same way I do and sees signs too. We are able to bounce ideas off of eachother really well and help eachother with problems without even realizing we did. 

At this point I do think I may be schizophrenic, but I have found some comfort in this new way of processing information. I am fascinated in learning more about it and myself. I’m curious if there is anyone out there that is diagnosed and doesn’t see it as an inhibition, but instead possibly as a benefit worth learning more about. Any questions, answers, discussions, or just nudges in the right direction would be greatly appreciated."
schizophrenia,"Have you experienced ""brain fog"" in your life? My mood and mental clarity was drastically improved for 5 days, and the streak ended yesterday. I can now tell the difference between a foggy mind and a clear mind -- a clear mind lets you clearly see and stay aware of the source of the thought or the thought-object behind your internal vocalizations, thoughts, or monkey-mind speaking. That is, there's something behind the internal chattering everyone has that you can see more clearly, especially during mindful meditation. A foggy mind means you have difficulty staying aware of the source of the thought, not the vocalization itself. This, to me, explains disorganized symptoms, such as loss of goal or thought blocking in speech.

Have any of you experienced debilitating, obvious brain fog?

**EDIT:** I don't know what caused my temporary improvements."
schizophrenia,"Positive life with schizophrenia Just turned twenty I have schizophrenia since i was fourteen..living with this as been a roller coster i lost so much people that cared about me in those five years but that will never stopped me from being successful

 i do have voices and hallucinations but mine never told me too harm or hurt myself in anyway, i used to feel followed all the time younger like someone was trying to come for me but these days i try to learn how to live with it and so far it’s working more and more 

nowadays the voices in my head are kinda helping me like reminding me about stuff i forget or stuff to do they even tell me when they don’t like someone or it could be the most random thing and i like that now i don’t wanna push it away anymore it’s just who i am 


Why not tell yourself that this is who you are you’ll probably hear voices for the rest of your life so why not just accept that this is who you are and you can’t do anything about it 

i kinda accepted it i feel in peace with myself and now it’s like having two brains you know what they say « knowledge is power » 

I’m just wondering if anyone here are like me and learned how to live with it"
schizophrenia,How paranoid are you?? And in what way... Describe how paranoia affects you
schizophrenia,any software developers with schizo? Any software developers with schizo? I'm looking into starting a career in software development was wondering if any one on here isn't software development
schizophrenia,how many of you can live on your own? I have no friends and living alone seems like a bad idea. 
schizophrenia,"Haunted but happy I’ve been messing up my academic life. At first, I was just feeling lazy and started sleeping at odd hours. Then, the old presence I feel came back. I keep thinking I see something, but when I look it is gone. The lights also seem off, too much of that afterimage lingers for too long and takes me a second to figure out what I’m looking out each time.


When this happens I’m usually worried about murderers, burglars and such. But this time I’m concerned about supernatural forces for some reason. I’ve been cursing at it and calling out “satan” out loud to show it I’m not scared, even though I am. I cannot bear to think of the occult for now.


Despite all that, I feel good. Not sure what causes it, but I feel more alive than I’ve felt for a long long time. All those weird feelings remind me of my childhood, and I welcome the nostalgia.


There’s really no point to this post, but I wanted to tell someone, and I can’t worry people I know irl. I managed to sleep at night yesterday (with the lights on because I see strange things in the shadows if they’re off) so I’m optimistic that it’ll go away on its own, and very glad to be feeling something.


Anyone ever been on a similar situation?"
schizophrenia,Do you believe in your voices being real? I believe in your voices. Maybe theirs more to life than just us and we are being communicated by it.
schizophrenia,"Feeling a delusion start I've had a rough couple of days of hallucinations of varying severity. Yesterday it got so bad that my spouse had to pick me up from work and take me home so I could take enough haldol to stop them. And I thought this morning that today would be better, or different at least. I was seeing small flashes of things, and illusions that would last a minute or two but compared to yesterday it wasn't anything. 

Then in the afternoon I heard loud crashing noises coming from the upstairs of my house. I was simultaneously so certain they were real but terrified that they weren't. Yesterday my hallucinations were so so loud, I couldn't shut them out. So I started going up the stairs and the noise was getting louder, so that was one thing to check in favor of its being real. Maybe. And I get to the top of the stairs and it turns out that it was just the noise of rain hitting the windows. And I start laughing and crying. 

And then suddenly, like something clicked in my head, I knew that everything, including the rain, that I was experiencing wasn't real, and was a projection into my mind. I don't know by whom. I started messaging my spouse but then I was terrified, because if he was real then he was working with whoever was doing this. And I told myself I should try more meds, but if I'm right then I'm just playing into their hands to accept this, but if I'm wrong then the meds might fix it and make me experience the real. So I took a small amount but I still know that this, everything, is all a lie.

I'm so used to delusions just sneaking up on me and not even realizing they're there until they stop. Something like this, feeling it suddenly click into place, this has never happened to me before. Which makes me think it isn't a delusion. But I know there was a moment when reality's lack of substance was revealed to me. But before then everything was real. And I could be wrong. I'm scared. I feel like I'm slipping and can't catch myself. And I don't know what to do."
schizophrenia,"Tuning in Does anyone ever have a tuning in moment for those that hear voices?  Like the voices are mostly garbled or whispers until I actually pay attention.  I dissociate a lot though, so maybe that's why?"
schizophrenia,"Career paths/other passions I may have been manic or delusional but in college I said that if I don’t make a career out of music my life wasn’t worth living. 3 years later I’m really starting to improve and I sell beats here and there. I just feel like if I don’t do something creative and on my own time I’ll hate my life. I’ve worked early and long shifts and it makes me very depressed and anxious. I don’t even like working with people all that much. 

The schizophrenia finally hit me and I had to drop out of an expensive state school. Now I’m going to a tech school but I honestly just hate it. I suck at communication, all my work is group work. I have like a year left before my parents will force me to get a job or leave the house. 

I have great studio equipment that I’m just now putting into use, Yamaha HS8s beyerdynamic dt770 pro ableton live 10. An m audio key board, behringer umc404hd. Took multiple years to get all this. My parents support my love for art but I think there patience is wearing thin.

I just don’t really think we should live a life doing something we regret. We only have one life, and anything is possible through hard work and consistency. I don’t know what I’m trying to say but is anyone else artistic/creative? Or does anyone else have a strong desire to follow their passion? 

I’ll never stop loving music, art, movies, anything that is creative. 

If anyone else makes music pm me we can talk about it and share our stuff. I mostly make hip hop and trap beats but I also do alternative stuff and I like all music regardless of gender if it sounds good. I’m also in need of a good graphic designer!

Post some of your favorite music below!"
schizophrenia,"PBA and Schizophrenia I’m lightly schizophrenic, however for the longest time I’ve had issues with laughing, and sometimes crying, for absolutely no reason. I have a very low EQ, so it’s not emotional, but for some reason I just laugh or cry for no reason. I’ve lightly read that it is related to schizophrenia, but I’m just wondering if anyone else experiences this. Very confusing."
schizophrenia,"Purpose We're talking a lot about purpose in therapy.  I want to know yours: your definition of purpose, what yours is right now, and what you're working towards.

​

Prior to therapy, I thought my purpose was ""to be mentally ill.""  Now that I'm working on several things in therapy, my current purpose is ""to work on my mental health.""  The implicit meaning between these two statements is huge.  What do you think?

​

In the near future, I plan to transfer colleges, move on-campus, and finish my degree in social work!"
schizophrenia,. Anyone struggle with visual hallucinations
schizophrenia,"SEVERE Schizoaffective Negative Symptoms I just turned 25 and at the age of 18 my life drastically hit the gutter. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and Schizophrenia. My manic (positive symptoms) episodes last several months and they get bad...I mean BAD. Extremely bizarre delusions about everything, total personality change, restlessness, agitation, paranoia, confrontational, excessive talking, risky sexual encounters/drug use. Then it turns into a mixed episode...then...an EXTREME low functioning depression that lasts until I become manic (what a way to live....). During my depression episodes, my negative symptoms are so bad that I literally sit in a chair all day until I go to sleep. I don't have to energy or drive to do anything and even if I try to do something out of the house, my anhedonia is so terrible there's no point. My cognitive functions/motor skills are very weak. Dramatic flattened affect. Every simple task is exhausting. I have debilitating alogia where I can't think of anything to say other than single words. My mind just feels like this black hole. I feel sooooo guilty because I can't interact with my family like I used to before 18 years old. I was a completely different person. I just feel nothing. Like I'm this empty catonic shell of zero personality. A true zombie. I don't feel anything but numbness besides depression/anxiety/guilt. Makes me feel so damn f☆☆king guilty. The guilt is overwhelming because I want to engage in conversation with my family but I literally CAN'T. And every time I can come up with a word or short sentence, my voice is severely monotonous. I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, but this illness has 100% taken over my life and soul. Does anyone else experience negative symptoms this severe or am I the only one? I'm so catonic it doesn't seem possible for any other human to be this bad. I don't consider myself human anymore."
schizophrenia,"Chakras Chakras chakras chakras. 

1st, there is nothing mystical about them. This is a farce. The chakras correspond to glands. 

The role of chakras is for the brain and body to become self aware of the individual/discreet processes. 

When working chakras, you relax in to the chakras. 

You pick one, place only your awareness there, and then let your awareness do the work. 

You are not forcing energy through chakras. You are being aware of where your attention is. 

Your attention pulls to a chakra, and then you let yourself be non-judgmentally or emotionally aware of the state and location, until your body ""screenshots"" the entire layout into the chakra. 

The new age-icke movement lied about chakras.

They are a system of order within the body that you build yourself. Ie, they are not initially there, but you build them into place. 

Find a map, select a chakra, and click awareness into it. This causes chemical changes and rebalancing. If you feel pressure at a location, (your attention pools there) simply be aware of it, and it will click into place. 

Ask more questions if you are looking for assistance. 

I fucked up my chakras before by building them wrong and then disregarding them. Fixing them makes chemical differences in the body. 

Sometimes it feels mystical because you are using the same headspaces/mechanisms that dreams use to organize information, and you are enacting chemical change as well. The chakras absolutely have the potential to induce highs and even hallucinations, trips, etc. The problem is, they are more important as they are used to maintain homeostasis, so they must be built with care. Never forced. "
schizophrenia,"Thoughts on using meditation to manifest hallucinations? Do you think you could use meditation to manifest positive hallucinations? Just a random idea that came to my head since I know not all hallucinations are negative/bad. 

A year or two ago I tried to force hallucinations when looking at art (just for a small trip) but that was before I started meditating.

 Or, do you think this is a bad idea because it blurs the line between reality and hallucination"
schizophrenia,"It’s nice knowing that there are people who don’t have mental illnesses. I don’t think I want to live in a world where everybody is sick. It gives me a level of reasoning when I know my thoughts have gone to the dark side. “These aren’t reasonable thoughts. Why do I believe this?” There should be one mentally healthy person in every room, household, classroom. Have a good night."
schizophrenia,Caffiene why I gave it up Caffiene is actually a psychoactive drug and a stimulant is can screw with your neurotransmitters and I found made symptoms really bad especially voices it can also cause anxiety I found that I am heaps better with out it no voices not much anxiety also sugary soft drinks and tabacco effect your brain. So i now try to drink lots of water and drink chamomile tea with is a calming on the mind herbal tea just my thoughts
schizophrenia,Thinking your saying your thoughts out loud/ people hearing your thoughts. If you feel like people can hear your thoughts how do you cope? I find it really hard to be around friends/family.
schizophrenia,"anyone have any ideas how to not forget what you're saying mid-sentence this happens all the time to me and i feel like a big idiot fool.

peace and blessings, all thanks and praise"
schizophrenia,"I'm confused- I'm really confused. The other day I was talking to my friends and fiance as normal. Well normal-ish before I started having mental breakdowns. I suddenly felt like they were plotting against me one way or another and I got really angry for no reason for about ten minutes. Then I felt like everything was getting more and more distant for me until I returned back to my body. 

So now I got a new job after having to quit my last due to paranoia that a coworker would attack me. And it doesn't feel real? Like it never happened. It's not that it feels like a dream to get a job, but it feels like everything that I did yesterday was all in my head and that everyone is lying to me about it happening?

Anyone experience this?"
schizophrenia,"do you suck at everything? Is there anything you excel at?

It seems like, no matter how hard I try I cannot progress above average or below average. Whether it's sports, video games, chess etc... It is like my brain is not capable of speed, complex thinking or creativity."
schizophrenia,"Update #2 Update #1 is here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/schizophrenia/comments/d44juv/update/](https://www.reddit.com/r/schizophrenia/comments/d44juv/update/)  


I got my Commercial Driving License last week, and yesterday I got a job offer in my field.  I start Monday.  

I just want to tell you guys that everything is possible.  It just takes a lot of extra effort but you can achieve your goals.  Work with your doctors to find the right medication.  Go to your therapy appointments.  Read self help books.  Make short term and long term goals to get where you want to go.  It's possible.  

Good luck!"
schizophrenia,"just so tired. it's nearly 11am and I'm still just laying here. I'm so sick of waking to the same nothingness.every day merging into 1,today will be yesterday and tomorrow will be today. the same sun rise, the same faces, the same lines over and over again. ""you're not alone"" but I know when the day fades I'll be here.. alone.im just so tired, tried of living,breathing ... fighting. I try to see the light but nothing positive comes my way. I wish I could fade off into the darkness."
schizophrenia,"Seeing red, blue, and yellow starry night stars in my vision? And I’m not even looking at the sky. I’ve been seeing regular white stars, the whole time. But I smoked weed again and now I see colorful stars."
schizophrenia,"Anybody else have stupid voices? Like literally DUMB. They're logic is a stretch at best and complete ignorant/made up fantasy shit at worst. Like they have no bearing or interest of evidence. I could maybe go on, but idiotic is the way they are. Driven by something else thus blind? Idk, I don't give them much credit."
schizophrenia,"I just want to be heared [Vent] Most of the time, my mind is not under my control, my brain runs wild and that resulting chaos that I deal with daily is a lot to handle. I want to share it, so I try to be very open about what I experience, and how it makes me feel, how it affects me.  
My friends however seem to be annoyed by it. They either ignore me, or outright tell me to maybe deal with it myself. Why can't they understand that I share with them so they can understand me better. That I share with them so that I too can understand myself better, and become a better person. A person they might like to hang out with better.  
I get that dealing with a mind alien to them is not easy and I don't want to stress them, but it really is hard.  
...I just wanted to get that out"
schizophrenia,Poem Poem about the time leading up to needing my depot.
schizophrenia,"I feel like my body is a completely different entity I will cry when I’m not sad and pace and twitch when I’m not nervous.

It’s like my mind is so empty or numb that my body over compensates"
schizophrenia,"I see you. [removed]

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/rty6xq)"
schizophrenia,"Went to the mall today Business must be really bad because many large retailers have left and were replaced by overpriced small boutiques and businesses. All the Forever21 shops on my island suddenly closed in 2020 and, at the mall I visited today, it was replaced by a very low quality fast fashion shop called Papaya. Seems like families are spiraling into poverty because the average single family home on our island is 1 million dollars. My parents decided to build a second house on land they already own. But my friend’s family is considering moving to Las Vegas. Her parents are nearing the retirement age. Seems like bad news pops up left and right. I like buying drinks like barley tea and milk tea from the Asian grocers but food stamps won’t come in till Friday. But I worry sometimes that many souls are in Hell and we’re all supposed to put up with terrible lives in order to change this. It’s most likely that the life we’re living isn’t real but I’m still bummed my friend might be leaving. Every time I think life is going to turn a corner, something bad happens. Relapsed at two attempts to work, for example. I sense that, as of today, I‘ve just gotten worse yet again. I really want for things to go well for once."
schizophrenia,"Has anyone here had more than 1 diagnosis? I suppose I am a bit frustrated that I have gotten two different diagnoses from two separate psychiatrists. Both are experienced and qualified professionals, but my previous one said I have schizoaffective disorder (depressive type) and my current has said I have psychotic depression. The problem is is that I fit neither diagnosis neatly. I lack severe negative symptoms or disorganized speech/behavior, but on the other side my psychosis has not improved as my depression has improved. In addition, my past psychiatrist said I was having catatonic episodes, which probably influenced why he thought I had schizoaffective. However, my current psychiatrist said it was dystonia. I guess I am just a little disappointed that psychiatry is not a very objective science, with there being multiple answers to the same situation. Has anyone else been a little frustrated with not having a clear answer to these types of things?"
schizophrenia,"Why am I considering delusional? It’s fucking crazy that I can’t seem to manage the simplest of things like human interactions that does not have me constantly thinking “they know they’re better than me/they want to hurt me/do I hurt them before the hurt me/they’re lying to me/I’m awful/I’m disgusting” and then have those thoughts separated from my own voice into harassments that I can’t shut off.

I can’t even handle conversations about art commissions online hhhhh and I don’t like people looking at me irl all that circles around in my head “they’re making fun of me” and they feed into it as well.

I feel like this wretched lil ugly ass weed that was incorrectly planted in this amazing field of beautiful flowers where everyone is better than me, they could take my spot, I feel threatened. I feel willfully suffocated by them just for existing amongst myself. I don’t know what to do or how to help myself. And the only solution that sometimes pops up in my head is “destroy them all/burn the flower field/ they want you gone you’re useless destroy them before they steal everything you care about”

And it’s like I can’t imagine why I have such a hard time telling therapists my true feelings without them wanting to lock me up in the psych ward and put me on meds that sedate myself therefore putting me in a situation where I can be assaulted since at that point I’m just a body who can’t move/fight or defend itself. How are my beliefs delusional? People believe in shit that they don’t get criticized for? How can everyone prove anything? Science is just theories that are tested again and again. So I can’t prove anything to anyone but I can prove it to myself? Why is my perception proven incorrect? Why am I attacked and forced to change? I haven’t hurt anyone I take out my anger and frustrations on me, and that’s ok, right? Cause if I’m the only one hurting I’m not fucking up everyone else lives. 

I wanna die but even then I don’t want my death to be painful? I have gone through enough pain and torment and I hate myself. But even so I just want to peacefully exit. It’s not like I was anyone big to collect the sympathy of hundreds and thousands. I’m just this lil insignificant spec in the grand scheme of things. I wasn’t supposed to be born here I just want to leave."
schizophrenia,Does anyone here have an experience with clozapine? I’m starting it soon and am a bit nervous about the side effects and potential deadliness of misstaking it I need blood tests every week while on it too
schizophrenia,"The question is too long to fit(about voices) I haven't been diagnosed with it but the story is much longer. If someone is intrested in it I can PM two esseys about it that i wrote 9 months ago and now(to see the progression of symptoms and my style of writing and thinking). But the short story is there is a wide range of symptoms some that can't be atributed to schizophrenia. Ofcourse I am NOT a profesional and can't diagnose it. I ask you to open minded and not say I bullshit because I saw it on WebMd or simular.

For two months almost every night i had hypnogogia(tactile, vocal and subvocal, visual). Since last week I have been hearing something in day. Maybe hearing isn't the right word. It's like someone is inserting random words into my thoughts. Its like something inbetween thoughts and words. Examples include ""corruption"", ""creek"", ""candle"", ""euro""... They are somewhat related to my current thoughts but I can give my left nut that these aren't my thoughts.  Because I use English as much as my native languge they are about equaly distributed. Is this something that occurs to you?

//I know that psychosis isn't something that can be predicted that often. I have predisposition to this. But i am almost unable to read or write comprehensivly and this took me an hour to write. I have been criticized for repetition, nonsensical speech and tangebility. My iq dropped by about 15iq points in a year and varies a lot from day to day. As I stated earlier if you want more info PM me.


"
schizophrenia,"Demonic possession? My mom has always been a very strict religious woman. I converted to Christianity in secret. She is of other faith

At the age of 22 I developed really bad psychosis. I will try to sum it up in points so this thread is as short as possible. Now im 24.

* visual hallucinations (seeing shadow figures, small animals, objects moving, a distorted face in my mirror) etc.
* auditory hallucinations (hearing a baby cry or someone call my name when no one is home). 
* touch sensations when no one is around (feelings of movement in body similar to a snake- someone touching my thighs or um.. down there, movements of inner organs). 
* dissociation when im anxious or sad.. etc.

My mom tried to exorcise me. I went downstairs to have dinner and she invited a religious figure to eat with us and then she asked me to stay and chat with him. He ended up trying to exorcise me.

He gave me some medicine that gave me diarrhea and made me vomit to purge the body of evil.

I got sick for a few days. Mum kept adding holy water to the water bottle i drink from and blasting religious verses on the radio outside my bedroom. Sprinkling sea salt and burning sage. Being crazy...

Saved up money and went to a doctor of psychiatry. Told me I have schizophrenia. She didnt allow me to take medicines but I'm taking them in secret. 

I know I'm sick in the head but she is scaring me.

(Cross posted on r/asianparentstories)"
schizophrenia,"I want to be forever alone in the mountains of Siberia. I know what it is like to be cold, I grew up in the mountains of Maine, and now want to be forever alone in the mountains of Siberia, I need to be there."
schizophrenia,Anyone else feel no emotion I canr cry im never truly happy i just want to get drunk to feel but have no friends to deink with i hate my life so much
schizophrenia,"Should I go to the hosptial if I am suicidal? I am suicidal, but more so passively suicidal. I want to die and its affecting my progress in life. I dont know how to get out of this rut, and I honestly dont know if I down the line may actually kill myself. Any advice?"
schizophrenia,"Too high dosage?!? Hello, my psychiatrist has recently increased my dosage of amisulpride from 600mg to 800mg and I wanted to hear if anyone has had any experience with taking a too higher dosage?!?

I started today and don’t really know what to feel!!

I kinda feel a little anxious but calm at the same time!!

It’s a weird feeling and I didn’t feel like this when I increased from 500mg to 600mg!!

I do have a hangover from the booze I’ve been drinking the last few days so I suppose that isn’t helping!!

Any info would be great

Thank you"
schizophrenia,"Medical ID bracelet Curious if anyone here has a medical ID bracelet or anything for their schizophrenia? 

I'm considering getting one just in case there may be a time when I'm too out of it to communicate to medical professionals or whoever that I do have schizophrenia. I do also wonder though if having one could lead to being mistreated (I'm thinking in particular the police who don't always know how to properly speak with/help mentally ill people)."
schizophrenia,"Can feeling painful tickling/wiggling sensations in your ear be a hallucination? I’ve only recently visited a psychiatrist for ADHD but after hearing about some other issues.She told me wanted to start of with other things that I have been dealing with.I used to see hallucinations when I was younger but they sort of stopped happened for a while until a random instance in a mall for no reason

I was prescribed Trazodone for sleep and a antipsychotic( sorry I forget the name however I had to stop taking them due to side effects)

I essentially want to know if feeling tickling sensations in your ear is a hallucination because I’ve visited multiple doctors who told me that there was nothing that could be done about it even though I  remembered something being done when I was younger that helped but now I’m not sure.I don’t want to keep spending money on something that’s not actually happening but it’s driving me “insane”"
schizophrenia,"therapist told me I’m not schizophrenic My therapist and I were discussing my diagnosis, she believes I was misdiagnosed because “a schizophrenic would not have as many friends as you do.” She constantly belittles people with schizophrenia, saying things like I am not crazy enough to be a true schizophrenic. Why are professionals like this?"
schizophrenia,"What place did/does music have in your delusions and experiences When I had the “prophet phase”  when I thought I was jesus, what I thought was the original Jesus told me to look into art and music for the The truth.  Climbing up the walls by Radiohead was a thing at first, After that, I had a soundtrack to everything. What about yous? Did any bands or songs feel like part of it? Or the role of music overall?"
schizophrenia,"Recovery is possible. Hey there. So most of you probably don't know me, some of you might. My name's Matthew. Approximately three years ago I began making videos on my schizophrenia, diary-esque videos that I would post on youtube (and here). This subreddit was a literal catalyst for my videos. You guys are the reason they even took off in some capacity, and it's probably because of you that I have viewers. For that I'm infinitely thankful.

When I started the schizophrenia diaries (the name of my youtube series) I was on 30mg of abilify I believe. We then raised it to forty. Today I'm on 10mg of abilify. Assuming 10mg works out well, which it really is so far (I feel better than I did on twenty) we're going to lower it to 0mg. Basically - other than a small dose of OCD medication I won't be on meds any longer. It's a huge change, and while I'm very excited, I'm more than anything surprised. I was expecting to be on meds for life, frankly. My thoughts process changed within the last year, when I realised that I really was improving. I began being more optimistic, and to a degree predicted this would happen. However even me a year ago wouldn't have thought it'd have happened so quickly. Psychosis has been an absolute rollercoaster, that I for the longest time wanted to get off of. I think I'm finally off, guys.

My channel, for context:  [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfCf72WR9I18fLIzoWHBeyA?view\_as=subscriber](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfCf72WR9I18fLIzoWHBeyA?view_as=subscriber)

So...what happens now? Do I continue making videos on mental health? What's my next step?

The way I see it...and sorry for being so frank. I know a few of you loved my mental health videos, but I don't see the point in making videos on mental health when I'm frankly healthier mentally than most people. It feels nearly redundant to me. I may still occasionally talk about schizophrenia, but expect my channel to probably go in the direction of entertainment coverage. I'm not sure what in particular, but if I'd have to take a guess I'd say video games and music.

It's been a fucked up ride. I've been through literal hell - felt like cutting my skin off and killing myself more than once. I was delusional to a pretty big degree for a few weeks straight and had messed up hallucinations as well. Schizophrenia was absolutely awful to me and I'll never forget the things it made me experience and endure. However, I've gotten to the other end. I got to the end of the tunnel. And it feels amazing.

Stay strong, guys. Better days are coming :-).

​

Edit: After some more thought, I've decided that I will think this through a bit more, as in wait for my decrease in meds to get to 0mg and stability to happen before proclaiming that I am free of psychosis. The sentiment stands."
schizophrenia,"Development You know what, I don't think there is schizophrenia. I think that are all the things that people who are told as schizophrenic can be able to feel (and not feel) but I think what brought them into this was a messy mess of thoughts that they couldn't get out and got them stuck.

I already had 2 moments with psychosis and it was a response for what was happening in my life, totally normal

Now, I think I developed schizophrenia as a response to something I did.

I already said in other 2 posts I guess, but I started thinking of going to other reality. Not a physical one, but I said to myself: as reality is subjective, but still there's one objective one, anyone can live whatever they want to, if they just change all the patterns of reality inside their head. It wouldn't feel organic but it would work... And maybe deciding that the way not organic I would feel was relative too and putting that as normal and good, would make it the pattern of normal and good.
And I thought I would be able to get back to usual reality whenever I wanted to, but now I'm trapped in this one.

And anyone who hears it, would say I'm delusional. But that's because they have to have explanations to fit inside a world with logic. The one I'm living in doesn't have it.

I think we become schizophrenic when someway our path become too far from the reality everyone lives in.

That's what happened to me.

But the thing is that I wish I could get back to that reality. I miss it. And it struggles"
schizophrenia,"Is it possible to have an stable relationship? Hi, i’m new to this reddit and i just need help and thought i would come here and write about it. There is this girl that i like, and we have talked for like 1 year know and i’m sure she likes me too but she don’t know i have schizophrenia, and i have been diagnosticated for 2 years know. She is very open about mental health, because she has ocd and bpd and she always talks about it because she hates the stigma around it but, i am afraid of telling her about me schizo, i am afraid i can’t give her enough, i’m afraid i will hurt her in a bad episode, i want to ask her to be my girlfriend but first i want her to know who i really am, i’m just scared and because she has bpd i scare that she will do something crazy. do you think she will react okay? do you think we can have a stable relationship even if we both have mental illnesses? i’m so fucking scared i think she will se mee as a monster. Sorry for my english i’m not a native speaker and i’m just trying my best."
schizophrenia,"Who else is doing well? I have a full time job and am working towards buying my first house. I have some audio hallucinations still in white noise (like taking a shower I sometimes hear my verbalized thoughts mirrored), but it’s nothing invasive - I have to think deliberately to hear them. It took me about a year trying different medications to get stable and about 8 more months to get this functional. 

I’ve been on this subreddit in worse times. I used to be too paranoid to click on links and assumed some regular posters were put there by the FBI to see how I’d react and use my reaction against me. 

It can get better. I am really happy to be this functional."
schizophrenia,What’s the chances of getting diabetes from being on anti psychotic medication? Hi everyone I heard somewhere that you can get diabetes from the medications and was wondering if anyone has developed diabetes and how long they were on meds for?
schizophrenia,"Complications and confusions motivation or lack there of, I have some hobbies but I tend to shirk them for mindless indulgence, not even video games can have a chance most of the time, i just feel to tired to play them.

confused about other people. why do they act the way they do, are they tired with me? are they just putting on a show to be nice? do the people i resent truly deserve my contempt?
I constantly second guess myself and my conclusions of the people i know
My mind is in a state of foggy complications

all i can do is sit in a controlled environment so i don't have depression or anger. can't seem to break out of my funk. the world is so complicated that I can't seem to assimilate or function in it. I have no friends, nothing to offer the world. I have hopes and aspirations but can't seem to make the first step to achieve this. I feel trapped in a routine and no matter how much i plan, i can't seem to do anything productive"
schizophrenia,"My dominant symptoms are: I'm disabled by severe primary negative symptoms. It feels like I'm a minority in this community. Am I?

[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/ugpxpp)"
schizophrenia,"Disturbing delusions I strongly disagree with my delusions that makes me believe that I forgot something due to an accident. But, there are no records of any accidents in my life. So Inam very sure that this a delusion. I just want get rid of it."
schizophrenia,"Providing Support for Delusional Thoughts Hey all! I work in a mental health facility and have found myself being lost when it comes to supporting residents expressing Delusional Thoughts. I don't know what to say when they tell me about someone out to get them, etc etc. If I tell them it's highly unrealistic or there's simply no one out to get them I lose that trust, but I'm just trying to help. In my job I'm supposed to provide counseling but I'm too new to really know what to do. Any thoughts or advice?"
schizophrenia,"Seeing other dimensions it felt like in my psychotic episode, anyone else? I could look at a 2d painting and it would feel 3d same with photos. I could see strange godlike creatures and landscapes with my eyes closed but also on walls and floors like I was watching interdimensional television. Does or did anyone else have these symptoms?"
schizophrenia,"when I try to write about what happens to me 'They' brain fog me and lower my cognitive function. I can  hardly writgovernment. It feels like a cap around my head

Thanks, goverment."
schizophrenia,"Have your symptoms made you seek religion or changed your religion? For a little while, I tried praying to both god and satan.  Then things got a little scary since I was hearing satans voice and so I decided to pray to only god.  I ended up reading the Bible every day.  I used to be atheist.  But things got scary."
schizophrenia,What do you guys think of the Big existential questions? Where do we come from? where are we going? What is the purpose of life?
schizophrenia,Anyone have any experience in the us military? (especially Air Force) I am considering joining soon and I’m wondering if I might get cough in a mental evaluation somewhere down the line. I haven’t gotten a diagnosis and my psychosis is manageable day to day and I hardly ever get auditory hallucinations. I am worried though that the stress of the job causing things to get worse.
schizophrenia,Does anybody else feel like we live in a different dimension where you can change the past? I feel like everything around me isn't real.  Like everything I do is just temporary and is in a different world from everybody else. I feel like Coraline. Like something I did triggered my life to be different from the real world. 
schizophrenia,"On Gaslighting and Other Things I Fucking Hate [Preface]: I am 95% aware of reality. I am able to recognize my own delusions as soon as they begin. I am able to revise what is fact and what is fiction in my own mind.

Most of my friends and even family frequently gaslight me and I have had my limit. Since I have told a select few about my psychosis (which is pretty mild and mostly revolves around paranoid delusions), they have now used that knowledge to their advantage to make me feel insignificant. I know for a fact when I see things, and I know if and when my memory is a bit fuzzy. 

My friends especially mock me and say, “of course you’re always right and we’re wrong” and “he just keeps going, he always thinks he’s right” and it’s really pissing me off. They act as if I can never except the truth and that I must always have it my way , despite the fact that I am sometimes wrong (like all human beings) and admit for my mistake and apologize. 

However, when I make a valid point/argument that does not agree with theirs, they say I’m stupid and must be seeing things! I can even present them with proof and they’ll immediately brush it off or say some other bullshit. I have not and cannot win literally any argument or debate and I’m sick and tired of it. I wish I would’ve never been honest with these people. 

I try my absolute hardest to be truthful and open about myself so that they will do the same in return, but I assume they are too afraid or insecure of themselves to be honest to me. I’m honestly shocked that I’m still so genuine, even when it backfires every single time.

[TL;DR] my friends weaponize my diagnosis and openness against me to make themselves feel superior :-/"
schizophrenia,Just taken mitrazipine +quitapaline combo for first time convinced it’s going to kill me after reading side affects Pls help
schizophrenia,"Continual loss and isolation My turn.

I admire everyone who comes on here and says that they are alone and have been for years and don't know what to do. I don't have any solutions for you but I am in the same boat; it makes me sad how many of us are in the exact same situation all over the world.

How do you find meaningful connections as an adult after psychosis has destroyed your relationships then even when you're back in reality you don't have the energy to keep up with.. anything? While I was off living in some other version of reality, people were getting on with their lives, and when I ""came to"" after meds it was like waking up from a coma; their lives no longer have that space they'd made for me. I am so grateful to have had the chance to reconnect with people I lost while I was ""away,"" but it hurts so much now when everyone is too busy to give me the time of day, because it's a reminder of how things cannot go back to how they were, of how much I've missed, and of what could have been if this never happened. They moved on. Even my own family. I am not very important to anyone these days, except my dog. 

I was undiagnosed and unmedicated for so long, there was lots of time to completely alienate myself from everyone and everything. I used to blame myself for this i.e. ""what have I done"" but I did eventually realize it wasn't actually my fault. I didn't choose to become psychotic. I didn't choose to become so paranoid >!people were going to kill me or were helping the ones who would!<, so full of conviction that I had to leave; I didn't know I was being loyal to things that didn't actually exist, so much that I would do whatever they told me even if it meant staying away from everyone who ever gave a damn about me... That was a disease, and ""I"" didn't actually do *any* of that, but the end result is the same. This ongoing pain, reopening of grief, of trying to connect with the people I still have even though they're more like acquaintances now, but then no one having time for me because their lives have no more room for it, has been wearing me down.

All the professionals say we're supposed to get *more* time with friends and family to help us reconnect with our community and remember our worth and value, but I don't know what kind of world they're living in where that is actually possible. 

I don't want to end this feeling sorry for us or myself, but it just really, really sucks, that so many of us are too ill to make the connections that would remind us of why it's good to be alive. Without being able to work or volunteer or even engage in hobbies, I don't know how else I'm supposed to find community and people who actually want to be around me, and I them. I hope my psychiatrist can give me some resources soon. Because isolation is very, very bad for us, but I'm out of ideas to remedy this.

For the most part I do a lot of things by myself. I like to visit petting zoos and go to art galleries and if there's a show I can see I try to do that, I love concerts but it's a lot of stimulation and makes my symptoms worse for a while so it takes some planning. And of course my dog and I explore parks. Just a lot of things you can do without other people, but it enriches my life on a good day. On a bad day it just reminds me of how disconnected my life has become from the rest of society. And I don't know how to change that."
schizophrenia,"Emptiness taking over It's as korba's murderous shrinki said - the disease slowly takes over one's soul, personality, cognition, consciousness and the person becomes the disease.

korba has been unable to convince himself that the craziness is all in his head for a long time now. Everyone bad, sucking korba's life out, blah blah blah

Really shouldn't matter - if it burns, let it burn. Gonna end up mindless, rambling in some post-soviet facility somewhere until whatever

Oh, and there's a baby on the way and korba has no resources to participate, to cooperate with the process in any way besides financially. Good times.

God, you have a sick sense of humor korba doesn't get."
schizophrenia,"Will it ever end? Everyday I wake up and have to debate if today’s even worth my time, I wake up and have to give myself a few hours to get “my thoughts” together because at this point I don’t even know what’s real, I’m always paranoid that everyone’s someone who they arnt that my “freinds” don’t even like me or I think if they’re even real, I can’t keep going like this will it ever end?"
schizophrenia,"how to advocate for him? my cousin was missing for four days. he was finally found by officers on the side of a bridge, shoeless. they had to heavily sedate him at the hospital because he was fighting the officers on the scene. since being admitted he won’t speak to anyone, he won’t eat or drink anything, and he keeps holding his breath so the machines keep going off alerting nurses that his oxygen sats are dropping. when he did speak, he said he wasn’t going to talk to the nurses or doctors (“he knew who he could and couldn’t talk to”) and that he didn’t want to drink or eat the food. he’d only eat fruits that we bring to the hospital ourselves. he also keeps saying that he’s the messiah and he’s a prophet. 

i say all that to ask what should we do? doctors are saying they can’t help him because he’s not speaking and in order for them to help he needs to talk to them. but also that he can’t stay in the hospital much longer. we’re not sure what to do to really help him understand that we’re all here for him and just want him to get better. i’ve looked at the sticky in this sub and i’m trying to do as much research as possible on EIP and schizophrenia as a whole but I could really use some guidance on how to better assist him. we’re all at a loss here and as much as it hurts to see him like this i know that he’s hurting even more and i really want to help. how can i advocate for him since he can’t (or is currently unwilling) to advocate for himself? thank you."
schizophrenia,I feel as if people hate me Especially my coworkers. My boss is ok though but like I feel like my coworkers have been infected with hate. Like they’re possessed by it. They try to fight it which is why my coworker gave me tea yesterday but I know they hate me because a guy on tv told me so. The worst part about it is I don’t know if it’s real or if it’s just my paranoia acting up. If it is my paranoia it’s unlike any delusion I’ve ever had before. Also I feel my motivation is slipping again. Makes it that much harder to go to work. Anyway I just wanted to get that off my chest thanks for reading
schizophrenia,"(Repost because the original post was removed for spam) I had an introductory meeting for a PHP a few days ago. The doctor referred to my ""voices"" as alters. Do I belong here? The more I try to understand my condition, the farther away the answer seems.

I've always felt different among schizophrenics. The diagnosis seems too...restrictive and dismissive of my experiences.

I don't *just* hear voices. I would describe them as a complex network of hallucinations that create the experience of having multiple personalities in my head (that, or I actually *do* have multiple personalities). I was intrigued that my PHP doctor would choose the word ""alters"" to describe my situation.

And this isn't just this one person - multiple people, both on and off this subreddit, have asked me if I have DID when I explain what I experience.

Thoughts?"
schizophrenia,"Scared about my first voluntary commitment. For some backstory, I'm newly diagnosed and my insurance provider is so overwhelmingly busy I've gotten to see my new psych once, so now I'm asking the internet questions.

I'm USA east coast born fem. and I have been avoiding this like the plague for obvious reasons, one of them even being financial. 

My only experience with what a psych hospital might be like is from the media... And ya know... I'm just kinda hoping that one of you could give me a better idea of what its like in there or like... Send me a link with useful information from a patients perspective.

Should I even do it at all?

Thank you all.

Sincerely, a terrified twenty-something"
schizophrenia,"Recommend an antipsychotic to switch to! I was previously on Invega, which worked well but i relapsed on it and was put on haloperidol. The problem is haloperidol is causing too much of a memory and cognition problems. Anyone tried these meds and switched to a better antipsychotic?"
schizophrenia,"Here’s a piece of writing I wrote in hospital So for the last 4 years I’ve dealt with “highly functioning” yet on the severe side of the spectrum. 

It became gradually worse and I’ve been through a lot of different medications.. 

After being to the psych ward 3 times to change my medications, they came to the conclusion I needed to go on to clozapine. 

This medication requires at least a 4 week stay in hospital and preferably another 2 weeks for monitoring. (In my country) 

During the first two weeks of my hospital stay I was incredibly psychotic and one night went through 50 A4 pages both writing and drawing.

Here’s my piece, enjoy. 

Free thinkers are suppressed by the system which adamantly pressures you into medication. 

Once in too deep the physical mannerism you had pre “labotimy” follow through until you die. 

You see this through the geriatrics which are complete zombies after living in the system, slowly mind fucked into oblivion by medication and “psychiatrists” who are there to stop you from changing the system and disrupting their lives which are all so false as they can’t see the reality. 

No potential of winning against the system as it’s far too established. You wind up dead, depression is the following of established order which you would like to change. Psychosis is understanding how the system works. 

I don’t want to be a geriatric, I don’t want to grow so slow I can’t think outside of holding a cigarette and breathing, the two functions these beaten down souls have left, and these motions are one in the same. 

Maybe these people are waiting to get cancer as they couldn’t kill themselves in the previous life they had as an “unwell” patient in the system. 

Yet for some reason I’m attempting to let the system work. 

Rant done."
schizophrenia,"Today I conquered my negative symptoms and finished my first acrylic painting since 2018. I used to paint all the time, and developing schizophrenia took the desire away from me. This may not be a very big piece but I’m proud of myself for completing it."
schizophrenia,"Does smoking cigarettes help? I have social anxiety, and it often brakes me down when my other symptoms (voices, hallucinations, delusions, etc.) get mixed up with it which makes me wacky and lightheaded, dizzy even.

It is told that cigarettes tend to relieve stress and anxiety mostly due to it's nicotine, but does it actually help?!"
schizophrenia,"Girlfriend can't deal I've been waiting for this but the time has come, was my normal agitated self this morning and finally pushed her over the edge, she doesn't want to be with me anymore but we live together. She called me before crying saying all this and I just stumbled words and said I truly understand. I'm sick and only recently trying to get help and no one can deal healthily with a schizophrenic to live with, but I'm so destroyed but can't cry and it's so fucked. 
I need you guys, at least some empathy or stories with how you deal with your significant other. She said if I can get help and want a relationship she will take me back but it's so hard to think in terms of looking out for her and not being so hostile... I'm so sick of myself.
Help me guys"
schizophrenia,"Music inspired by Hallucinations / Delusions. Rokey Erickson? particularly The Evil One album He was originally with the 13th Floor Elevators (early psychedelic rock), I think up until he was commited.  He went solo after he got out and recorded more music.  I think a lot of it is inspired by his hallucinations and delusions."
schizophrenia,"I’m 39, anyone older than me? I was curious if I was the oldest schizophrenic in here."
schizophrenia,"Online Dating and Paranoia I have been messaging this guy now for about three weeks and I have talked to him over the phone using a burner phone. He keeps saying all the right things and he seems way too supportive. I would rate him about five points higher on the attractiveness scale than me. I mentioned this and he says he is more interested in my heart. And has been talking like we are already in a relationship. Only, I am sitting here wondering what he wants from me. sex or money? Or is he genuinely interested in me. I can no longer tell. My friends say I cannot tell either and that I will blow a guy off who is clearly interested. I just figure some online stranger is going to rape and murder me. I don't see how someone could be attracted to me before meeting me. Any thoughts. My intent is too run. Only, I have a hard time distinguishing between what is a valid concern and what is me being paranoid. I think everyone is out to get me, like I  seriously do. I figure he is my murderer....:-("