jokes.txt

"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.

90% of everything is crud.

A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
that everything comes off right.

A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.

A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of
alternatives.

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.

A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
more simple system that worked.

A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working
for thirty years straight.

A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
join you in your troubles.

A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.

A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors
suspicions to the contrary.

A fool and his money are some party.

A friend in power is a friend lost.

A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a
while, knows something.

A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a
radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness and
insensitivity.

A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
inspection.

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
himself.

A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
lost.

A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
magician.

A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the
greatest damage.

A narrow mind has a broad tongue.

A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.

A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.

A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen
tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why
it didn't happen.


A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly
knowledge.

A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.

Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.

Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.

Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...

Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
safety of reminiscence.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle.

All things are possible.
Except skiing through a revolving door.

All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
person.

All turtle thoughts are of turtle.

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.

All's well that ends.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death
your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.

Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
fortune.

Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting
in their best interests.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.

Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.

Ambition is the curse of the political class.

Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
special case.

An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.

An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.

An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows absolutely everything about nothing.

An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.

An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.

An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.

Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.

Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.

Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
the component's irreplaceability.

Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one
loophole.

Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.

Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still
under development.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Anyone can handle a crisis.
It's everyday living that kills you.

Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good
enough condition not to have to.

Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
pursued with passion.

As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.

As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.

Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.

Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to the
convinced.

At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
cannot be undone.

Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.

Bankers are the assassins of hope.

Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.

Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.

Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.

There's no intelligent life down here.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.

Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one.

Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.

Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.

Black holes are outa sight!

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
circles.

Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.

Bullshit baffles brains.

By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.

By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be a
boss and work 12 hours a day.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Cheer up.
The first hundred years are the hardest!

Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you
reach it.

Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
rely on it.

Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.

Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want
to use it.

Crime is merely politics without the excuses.

Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.

Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.

Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to
fall on the same dates.

Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.

Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.

Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body
makes its own cholesterol.

Diogenes is still searching.

Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two
small steps.

Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.

Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.

Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't
get up.

Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.

Dr. Faustus, call your service.

During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the
country.

Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.

Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
confer degrees.

Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.

Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end

Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.

Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.

Every calling is great when greatly pursued.

Every family tree has some sap.

Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own
policy.

Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.

Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everything comes to he who waits - providing he has either infinite
patience or infinite wealth.

Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
the Atlantic Ocean.

Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
is, nearly everything is forbidden.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only
thing.

Excellence is an option that is renewable.

Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.

Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.

Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

Experimentation is the mother of confusion.

Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.

Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.

Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.

Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow
hard-hearted.

Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.

Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.

Fear is no great respecter of reason.

Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.

Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
And scratch where it itches.

Fire and water.
Matter and anti-matter.
Money and morality.

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.

Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.

For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.

Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as
it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.

Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.

Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.

Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self.

Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.

Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
a "Pearl Harbor file".

Give me an example of pro and con.
Progress and Congress.

Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.

God can't alter history, so he created historians.

God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.

God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows
through.

Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.

Half of conversation is listening.

Have a nice day...somewhere else.

He is all fault who has no fault at all.

He who dies with the most toys, wins!

He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.

He who endures, wins.

He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the
seventh.

He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
will do very few things at all.

He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.

He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.

He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.

He who would leap high must take a long run.

He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.

Hell is l is a city much like Newark.

Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.

History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.

History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as
farce.

Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.

Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...

How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?
When his lips are moving.

How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the
phrase "old-fashioned" ?

How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door
you're on.

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.

If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean ?

If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.

If all else fails, read the destructions.

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
reach a conclusion.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

If doctors' intellects were as big as doctors' egos, this would be a
far healthier world.

If everything appears to be going well, you obviously don't know what
the hell is going on.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If it's not in the computer, then it doesn't exist.

If it's rational, if it's logical, and if it makes good common sense,
then it's simply not done.

If man's best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us?


If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
will be at fault.

If one views his problem sufficiently closely, he will recognize
himself as part of the problem.

If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you may
be certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten.

If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against
you, pound the table and yell like hell.

If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question,
then it's a bureaucracy.

If the gods had really intended men to fly, they'd have made it easier
to get to the airport.

If the government hasn't yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it, then it
probably ain't worth anything.

If the nation's economists were all laid end to end, they would point
in all directions.

If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refund
your money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plant
manager shot. Will that be satisfactory ?

If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth.

If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.

If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ?

If this is the land of the future, why are we all so given to
nostalgia ?

If truth were a matter of opinion, then the majority would always be
right.

If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.

If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, then
you obviously don't understand what's going on.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you cannot logically refute a man's arguments, not all is lost. You
can always call him nasty names.

If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies.

If you doubt that Rochesterians believe in God, watch how they drive.

If you gave a monkey control of its environment, it would fill the
universe with bananas.

If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them.

If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success,
just look at the average television evangelist.

If you think that no one cares that you're alive, try missing a few
car payments.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make
them absolutely livid, then tell 'em the truth.

If young women often do marry men like their fathers, no wonder their
mothers cry at their weddings.

In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageable
food surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because of
unmanageable food shortages.

In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.

In a permissive society, the cream rises to the top...and so does the
scum.

In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity, the honest
man is always at a disadvantage.

In any organization, there are only two people to contact if you want
results:
the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

In death, avoid hell.
In life, avoid the law courts.

In defeat, malice.
In victory, revenge.

In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can
be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will
become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday.

In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.

In hell, treason is the work of angels.

In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love.

In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don't need
it.

In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics. In this
country, it's a soft drink.

In the Beginning, God created the Organization and gave It dominion
over man.
        -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C.

In the final analysis, entropy always wins.

In the long run, we are all dead.

In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain.

Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart, be
concerned with the people who are boxed in.

Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without, more often
corroded from within.

Interesting history is awful living.

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy
fortune-tellers take economists seriously.

It doesn't much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning you
discover that it was someone else.

It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize that you
are in a hurry.

It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall before a
pygmy with a submachine gun.

It is better to add life to your years than it is to add years to your
life.

It is better to be envied than to be consoled.

It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office; that
way, you get to hear some of the eulogies.

It is difficult to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the
same time.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.

It is only in Aesop's fables that an elephant takes advice from a
mouse.

It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world than to
be sane alone.

It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.

It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief
that the enterprise of thought begins.

It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it ?

It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat. and only one to
wear it.

It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
in heaven and earth to keep her that way.

It's difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.

It's not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries; it's
envy, pure and simple.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

John Donne was wrong.

Journalism, like prostitution, is a career in which just one foray
makes a professional.

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following
you.

Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed.

Kill the moneylenders.

Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity.

Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor.

Large brains can contain small minds.

Last weke I cudn't even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one!

Law remains long after justice flees.

Leakproof seals - will.
Selfstarters - will not.
Interchangeable parts - won't.

Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Less of a good thing is sometimes better - ask anyone on a diet.

Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate.

Life is a temporary assignment.

Life is a terminal condition.

Life's a bitch.
But, then, consider the alternative.

Little boys throw stones in jest.
Little frogs die in earnest.

Live every day as though it were your last.
One day, you'll be right.

Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it.

Locks and keys are for honest people.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts.

Making this world better will gain you the greatest credit in the next
one.

Man does not live by bread alone.
But he damned well doesn't live without it, either.

Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise.

Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

May you live in interesting times.

Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar.

Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once.

Measured with a micrometer.
Marked with chalk.
Cut with an axe.

Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have
been exhausted.

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster
they call destiny.

Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.

Miles aren't the only distance.

Monotony is the law of Nature. Observe the monotonous manner in which
the sun rises.

More men are sheep in wolves' clothing than the other way around.

Most men and nations die lying down.

Mother Nature applies all her rules...all the time.

Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon.

Murphy's Golden Rule:
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time
and in the worst possible place.
Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.

Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.

Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.

Never complain;
never explain.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.

Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.

Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they
have bad breath.

Never have so many people understood so little about so much.

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.

Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to
make!

Never marry a woman who prays too much.

Never mistake good manners for good will.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.

Never step in anything soft.

Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.

Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it
annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.

Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of
getting even.

New systems generate new problems.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.

No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government
meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.

No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is
in session.

No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption.

No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once
you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the
phone.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one ever found marvels by seeking them.

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

Not all the kookies are in the jar.

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf
between cleverness and wisdom.

Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four
hours of a diet.

Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so
much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.

Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something
else.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest
day's work.


Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by
"but".

Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what
they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.

Old age is like a burglar.
It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.

Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their
long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.

Old men make wars.
Young men fight them.

On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be
lunching in the same restaurant.

Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.
Now look how many there are.

Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you
expected.

One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing.

One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your
wife and ain't nobody gonna hear.

One lawyer = a crook.
Two lawyers = a law firm.
Three or more lawyers = a legislature.

One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial
ideas and subterranean behavior.

One sees more clearly backward than forward.

One thing you can say for kids: they don't go around showing pictures
of their grandparents.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air
strike.

Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the
intervals between wars.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they
are saying.

People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...just to movies,
concerts, and lectures.

People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take
advantage of them.

People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks
yellow.

People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their
necks out.

Pessimists are the world's happiest people....
Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent
they are pleasantly surprised.

Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much
better off with a wooden head.

Policemen with private motives are dangerous.

Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.

Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.

Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy:
Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.

Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of
it, practical anything consists of that.

Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal.

Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work
together: the Teflon-coated wok.

Psychopaths aren't born. They are made.

Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.

Reality precedes perception.
Except, of course, in southern California.

Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed
mainly in juveniles

Remember when "There's something in the air" was just a figure of
speech

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs
our manners.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Roughing it is television without cable.

Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.

Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.

Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.

Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other
beasts: financial worries.

Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the
farmer's daughter.

Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new," and I will
show you it hath been.

Shrink not from blasphemy - t'will pass for wit.

Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.

Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise
to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.

Small things entertain small minds.

Smooth seas never made a good sailor.

Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts
large enough to be lost in.

Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote
the book or even what book.

Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the
heavens.

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.
                     - S. Freud

Songs unheard are sweeter far.

Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's
basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.

Strong words connote weak arguments.

Succeeding is more satisfying than success.

Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.

Support your local bloodhound.
Get lost.

Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him
cash.

Take care which rut you choose; you'll be in it for the next ten
years.

Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.

Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
understand.

Television is chewing gum for the eyes.

Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe
and he will believe you. Tell him that there's wet paint on that
bench....

Tempt not a desperate man.

That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are
psychotherapists who might disagree.

The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice.

The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures". A
somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.

The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he
doesn't exist.

The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical
cord.

The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he
could be just as proud for half the money.

The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.

The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.

The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.

The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.

The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of
them is a match.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.

The bigger they are, the harder they punch.

The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.

The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe
you really are one.

The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the
level of management.

The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a
break from doing nothing.

The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good
example.

The first place in which to look for something is the last place in
which you expect to find it.

The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of
victory.

The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...Well, everyone's got to make
a living.

The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.

The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great
lie than to a small one.

The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the
insignificance of things.

The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have
good digestions.

The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the
moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.
There was a knock on the door...

The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty
percent.

The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go
through the metal detector.

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.

The lawyer's credo: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle
'em with bullshit.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming
train.

The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is
the wrong line.

The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability
that the competition already has the order.

The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before
and just after your vacation.

The most successful journey is a dull journey.

The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.

The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find
one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your
competitor's causes cancer.

The number of employees in any work group tends to increase
irrespective of the amount of work to be done.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of what you're doing.

The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time
the boss comes strolling through the plant.

The only government handout that I want is the government's hand out
of my pocket.

The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

The only people that snobs want to know are those who don't want to
know them.

The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are
biographers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female
version.

The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have
already happened.

The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is
that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of
interminable gestation periods.

The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
fundamental solvency of the firm.

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic
tank....The really big chunks always rise to the top.

The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of
winning.

The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.

The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.

The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total
security is total enslavement.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct
proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.

The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied
upon.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but
that's the way to bet 'em.

The rat race is over. The rats won.

The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but
whom we allow to be teachers.

The real outrage today isn't what's illegal.
It's what is legal.

The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.

The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more
people worry than work.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.

The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and
then sticking with it.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.

The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.

The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.

The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two
opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie
one's own shoe
laces.

The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.

The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.

The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.

The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike
to the righteous and the wicked.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

The tale of the errant entrepreneur:
High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!".

The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that
many mistakes.

The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically
against the import of textile products imports virtually all its
textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why

The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting
proposition.

The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that
feel.

The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to
complain.

Them that has, gets.

There are no moral messages in Nature.

There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.

There are those who make things happen.
There are those who watch things happen.
And there are those who wonder what happened.

There are three rules for successfully managing people:
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and
salesmen's promises.

There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot
do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.

There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is
before the holidays and the other is after.

There is a time for everything.
Mostly, the wrong time.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than
you can afford.

There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.

There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits.

There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.

There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation
cannot prolong.

There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all
accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of
anything.

There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it.

These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of
course, you run for Congress.

They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they
think you are thirsty.

Things get worse under pressure.

Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which
are finished by art.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing
for those who didn't.

Those who can - do.
Those who can't - teach.
Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.

Those who can't teach - administer.
Those who can't administer - run for public office.

Those who do not follow are dragged.

Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.

Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either
being made.

Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.

To a little fish, the waters are always deep.

To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.

To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To
create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls
for an MBA.

To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to
sugar.

To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.

To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take
the longest and cost the most.

To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.

Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last
night.

Too much of anything is wonderful.

Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her,
the more she hurts you.

Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very
sparingly.

Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.

Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always
be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be
booked.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature,
pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it
damned well pleases.

Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear
dishonesty.

You may as well take a person's money as his time.

Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and
the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.

Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice
does.

Virtue is a social liability.

We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good!

We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster,
damn it!

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have
never deceived us.

We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident
that it was not a fish.

We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything.

We know what we are, but not what we may be.

Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the
twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go
wrong...

What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were
invented by the same person.
Kinda figures, doesn't it.

What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ?
A start.

What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Whatever is not nailed down is the government's. Whatever the
government can pry loose is not nailed down.

When I works, I works fast.
When I plays, I plays hard.
And when I thinks, I falls asleep.

When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work
perfectly.

When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies
of his whole life.

When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just
different.

When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.

When in trouble or in doubt,
Run in circles, yell and shout.

When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies
to innovation.

When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in
handy.

When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers.

When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by.

When the old dog barks, better look out the window.

When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all.

Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness
appears in his conduct.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
totally beyond recognition.

Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.

Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ?

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.

Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when
all they do is tell you why it isn't ?

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?

Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work. Trouble
is, it takes 'em a week to do it.

Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.

Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?

Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall
fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.

Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the
beer bottle on the side of the road.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
word.

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one,
you're done with the other.

You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are
real, they can swim.

You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.

You can't win.

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be
too late.

You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned
into.

You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.

You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention
and they put you on hold.

You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and
the boss tells you not to take off your coat.

You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes
Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you
get.

You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the
beach.

You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone.

You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.

You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion.

Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.