handey

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room,
talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her
in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!
How do they do that?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a
lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon
people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more
feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a
real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh.
Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he
would forget what he asked me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and
rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll
thank you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of
parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when
somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you
don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then,
on the way out, slam the door.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that
thing?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that
really annoys me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to
have fun with this thing.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take
it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back
inside the hat is at least a decade away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your
lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
		-- Jack Handey
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of
money.''
		-- Jack Handey
%
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,
because that's what He's getting!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some
tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations
seemed to be getting out of control.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull
from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull
but just an old dried-out potato.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if
you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way.
Cars, too!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me
to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my
imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the
weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I
spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the
questions?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window
and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
		-- Jack Handey
%
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It
probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins
or changes colors.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit
the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to
illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is
greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another
emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his
stupid puppet.
		-- Jack Handey
%
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and
eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams,
and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And
usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
		-- Jack Handey
%
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of
lemon to each jar, for freshness.
		-- Jack Handey
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the
confusion and problems they've caused?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun,"
I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I
think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we
didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20
minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting
story.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
		-- Jack Handey
%
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my
skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably,
they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said,
"Hey, good job."
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know
why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
		-- Jack Handey
%
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and
beg for it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and
just laugh at people.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's
what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of
a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls
a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
		-- Jack Handey
%
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to
hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That
way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And
they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun
to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the
questions are. Hey, where am I?
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his
beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For
instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would
think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features,
as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a
head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,
but that's another weakness.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever
needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our "friend."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That
way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like
apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some
were probably hit by cars.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of
smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out
to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were
my parents having sex.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow
these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third,
shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound
of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to
the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you
spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be
PROUD to be sprayed by one.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city
slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's
money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer,
nobody had any money left to buy it!
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a
flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the
next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
		-- Jack Handey
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When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I
said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.
Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You
pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear
across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.
Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say,
"Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big
laughs are coming.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you
have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."
		-- Jack Handey
%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on,
we're not going to hurt it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the
other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good
saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a
fella."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is
crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all
I have to say.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily
means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about
proper hammer maintenance.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd
just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's
`fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone
what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and
say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all
covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because
leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same
time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I
can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they
break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's
the monster, sound asleep.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice
it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every
night.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over
the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I
would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and
dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking
and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

		-- Jack Handey
%
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you
could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would,
and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see
that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It
would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while,
though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography.
Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two
parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more
pornography.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself,
a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
		-- Jack Handey
%
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you
get bit by a rattlesnake.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How
about it, science?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads
that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then
somehow I get myself elected president.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the
world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the
right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey,
wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN
TO YOURSELF!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes
out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell
the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many
loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean
lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be
an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be
blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
		-- Jack Handey
%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven---with a gun."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start
to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of
"bag."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind
should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a
hammer.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else
is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can
kill you if you disobey it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says
"You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his
arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the
point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and
then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had
some growing up to do.
		-- Jack Handey
%
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
		-- Jack Handey
%
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at
you. I found this out the hard way.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime,
to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the
ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like
you're going to fall in.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a
gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of
"accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting
off stress.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a
smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat
so much.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get
real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice,
and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that
different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's
Hambone.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the
fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was
torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not
an `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even
know the right word.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and
yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another
father.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about
your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is
just to say, "No speaka English."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be
thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together
and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead
and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as
wild dogs.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a
boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because
do you hide from it or not?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or
not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their
heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but
dirty clothes hampers.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the
stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's
completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on
someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could
cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is,
we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars
a lot. The third is stripes.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a
nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another
scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand."
And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks
up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
		-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What
do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. -- Deep
Thoughts by Jack Handey
%
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them
by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out
into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra
and clown life.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I
could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk.
After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or
something.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really
make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to
carry it?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in
favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
They're just not ready.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the
drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.
		-- Jack Handey
%
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask
people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
		-- Jack Handey
%
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful
things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with
long, blond hair.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal
hat.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by
about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can,"
one bee.)
		-- Jack Handey
%
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell
about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
		-- Jack Handey
%
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget
the negative side, which is the preening.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because
I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
		-- Jack Handey
%
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some
fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.

		-- Jack Handey
%
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take
about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know
what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the
side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is
wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and
how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
		-- Jack Handey
%
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw
chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you
give them. Man, wise up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on
some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of
holes?
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common
mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat)?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it
open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in
him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because
it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny
Combat little toy guy---something like that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just
keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is
behind this.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first
thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?
		-- Jack Handey
%
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on
your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when
they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said `inspection'."
They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,
because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little
torture.
		-- Jack Handey
%
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous
snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU
got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot
of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them
it was just a joke.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd
Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get
your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is
wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a
radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met
the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but
then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I
think they got the point.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay
to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this
person was, and why he had deer horns.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd
have all my money back.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven,
choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in
their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a
whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know
why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the
reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it
tastes like Kool-Aid.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger
or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the
meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know
how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived
in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and
start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably
the first sign of jungle madness.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's
called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be
laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual
push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just
push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number
against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

		-- Jack Handey
%
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least
effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a
man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic
dry-cleaner bags?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying
to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about
twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start
digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
"Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd say,
"well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?
		-- Jack Handey
%
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob
could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp or
something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the
big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've
got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he
got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the
meteor.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm
telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick
potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings
and lady Vikings.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I
thought, "What am I doing?!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How
could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and
I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone
listening to me?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle
Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.
Later on we found out he was a bear.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute
you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the
door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not
Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on
both sides.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if
you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get
it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it
was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the
first fight.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink
is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman
cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But
Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people
to do what I say.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and
they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were
creating.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on
this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they
make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our
civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back
in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash
program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just
shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the
day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.

		-- Jack Handey
%
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They
probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I
bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that
ear monster and that big-dress monster.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back
my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on
it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on
and really scare you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how
the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would
get revenge.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding,
you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the
strength of that pudding skin.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
man, they're gone.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something
like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do
you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow
down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard
sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice
pick.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one
of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy
war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
		-- Jack Handey
%
A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To
make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and
running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would
say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That
way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side
and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same
day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First
of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks
that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve:
something that stings you, then laughs at you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets
hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to
study the brain.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you
on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keep
you in the "happy" category.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and
throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at
all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a
saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard
as you can? I thought I heard that somewhere.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around
on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once,
because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who
cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: At
least the bird is less nude.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a
coward.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things
besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the
stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes
from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer,
where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a
pancake somehow.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be
brothers?
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's
apple!
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not
because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the
joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what
they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set
on fire.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up
to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's
illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't,
so what, I hate this stupid party.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and
somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his
house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the
closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy
was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM
again.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we
humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after
many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept
going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the
story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the
plane. It was a little long, though.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but
it works.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. "Draw," said the
stranger. Carl went for his gun, but then "Hey, where did all these angels come
from?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high
behind you to keep people from following too close.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you
were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm
sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's
gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you
why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me
a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they
kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you
know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the
world all want the same thing: a better house!
		-- Jack Handey
%
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't
think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all
those wishes.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
		-- Jack Handey
%
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid
gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To
make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up,
is not what I call hospitality.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

		-- Jack Handey
%
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people 
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing.
		-- Jack Handey
%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
		-- Jack Handey
%
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and
then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is
crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's
back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all
go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't
until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
		-- Jack Handey
%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
		-- Jack Handey
%
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I
thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably
say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you,
get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."    He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.    I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
		-- Jack Handey
%
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's
dynamite, baby."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a
pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be
able to get a lot of free games.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above
the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."    Then everybody would
get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd
get mad and eat the snowman.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.    For instance, let's say you're an
astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the
door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not
Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real
fast and freak everybody out.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
But this one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with rocks, and
he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I
think my heart almost broke.    Later the boy came up and offered to give me the
toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased
him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these
people.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
		-- Jack Handey
%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
		-- Jack Handey
%
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid
gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To
make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up,
is not what I call hospitality.
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

		-- Jack Handey
%
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing?
		-- Jack Handey
%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
		-- Jack Handey
%
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and
then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is
crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's
back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
		-- Jack Handey
%
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all
go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't
until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I
said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.
Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people
would go, :Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull
out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show
off).    Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint
a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.
So, dirty work.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old
Yeller, stay in the cellar."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the principal's
office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything, he just looked
at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?" he said.    "No,"
I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis.    I guess I wasn't as
scared as I thought.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.
That Alien!
		-- Jack Handey
%
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that
rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said
that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse
James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem
like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in
town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited,
and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the
doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the
next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the
time required to really fix up my "pad".
		-- Jack Handey
%
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
		-- Jack Handey
%
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that
chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."    Sure they eat fish, if that's all
you give them! Man, wise up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big
for Daddy."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and
running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would
say, :Hey, let's put him in the movie."
		-- Jack Handey
%
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me
for a loop. She said, "I love carrots."    "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth
real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and
have sex!"    They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!"    We all thought he was crazy. But then, we
had some growing up to do.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the
earth, and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as
if you're going to fall in.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet
and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about
who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes
you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in
his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped,
and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean
over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of
cannibals.
		-- Jack Handey
%
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as
screw-boys.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about
twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start
digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
"Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say,
"Well, that was easy."    Good joke, huh.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a
mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand
up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!
Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

		-- Jack Handey
%
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you
might think.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together
outside his balcony. :Who would teach me anger?" he said.    "Fuck you!"
somebody yelled.    "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this:
Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto
the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o'
fire!"    I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too
tight, as it turned out.    "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said
the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

		-- Jack Handey
%
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they
found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,
anyway?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in
a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny
jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred
feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up
stuff just by looking at it.    This is my own, personal idea of God.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.    Come on, Marta. Grow up.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody
ready to start now?"
		-- Jack Handey
%
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and
I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes
of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.    Maybe later we could get up a
petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and
saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he
felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano
and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.    It turned out he was
right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the
hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but
there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills
were real high.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because
then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What
the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of
Weasels."
		-- Jack Handey
%
As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought
back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning", he
thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest,
and groinal area.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of
these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from
invasion by another group."    "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.    Girls are
funny.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got
up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one
laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that
way.   It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
		-- Jack Handey
%
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I
myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove
it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just
shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."    Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no
other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out
there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or
factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I
have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's
lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
hypnotize you.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I
forgot to put on my pants.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known
before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.
Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it
open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in
him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because
it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny
Combat little toy guy - something like that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked
next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART
in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do.
She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my
"fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray
helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do
they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as
wild dogs.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him
and called him a fruit.    Man, I hate land like that.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big
rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the
rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance
and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man
who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real
pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're
talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you . . .
		-- Jack Handey
%
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't
even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
Skeletons.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a
chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm
going insane again.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you
should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
		-- Jack Handey
%
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's
what I hated about him.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and
bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around,
they'll know this is someone else's territory.
		-- Jack Handey
%
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone
asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull
out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it.
Good magic trick, huh?
		-- Jack Handey
%
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor
pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger
that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland
on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do
it.
		-- Jack Handey
%
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high
behind you to keep people from following too close.
		-- Jack Handey
%
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak
the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,
because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the
shape of continents.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a
bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
		-- Jack Handey
%
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they
want to know?
		-- Jack Handey
%
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
that's my point.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95-
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children
under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to
dangerous speeds.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if
exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the
following occurs: *Itching *Vertigo *Dizziness *Tingling in extremities *Loss of
balance or coordination *Slurred speech *Temporary Blindness *Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away
immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned
to its special container and kept under refrigeration...
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun
Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical
Unlimited, of any and all liability.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown
glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in
Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
		-- Jack Handey
%
Happy Fun Ball ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95-
		-- Jack Handey
%
Why is it boring when your friend Don tells you about his wife leaving him but you laugh when you find out that she left him for another man named Don?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Why is a funny cowboy dance hysterical but a funny sailor dance confusing?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
If a busload of circus clowns is travelling through Mexico, is there any chance they will survive?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
When you see someone sinking in quicksand, is it funnier if you know the person?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Did the Vikings have jokes, and, if so, were they surprisingly gentle?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Is pointing and laughing something we do naturally, or do we have to learn it? Likewise, can someone without a sense of humor be taught to have one, or must it be beaten into him?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
How long should you laugh at your boss’s joke? A half hour or a full hour?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
For there to be comedy, must there also be tragedy? For the comedy of someone heckling an actor, must there also be the tragedy of the person being escorted from the theatre?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
If your friend is struck by lightning and he seems to be all right, but his hair is smoking, is it O.K. to laugh?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Why does Marta still laugh when I put on my T-shirt backward, even though I’ve done it hundreds of times?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Are some things never funny, like a man accidentally chopping off his finger with a hatchet, and wrapping up the finger and taking it to the hospital, then discovering that it isn’t his finger but one of the Vienna sausages he was having for lunch, and then eating the sausage?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Is there humor on other planets, and is it so advanced that it makes our fart jokes look crude and primitive?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Why is a man slipping on a banana peel funny, but not as funny as a man choking on a banana peel?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
If a man finds a message in a bottle, is it funnier if instead of a message it contains a tiny little banana peel?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Can something be true and funny at the same time, like “Your head looks like a melon”?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Shouldn’t a person who tells a joke in a bar and gets no laughs be entitled to a free beer?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
If a tree falls in the forest, on top of an old man with a walking stick, does he make a sound?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
What is funnier: a dad trying to get his kid’s kite up in the air but getting it caught in a tree, or the dad trying to get the kite down with a rake and accidentally tearing it to pieces?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Is there a story that would best illustrate what humor is, and, if so, what would that story be?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Do insects have a sense of humor, and does it involve stinging you?
  ~ Jack Handey
%
Will there ever come a time when we won’t need laughter, when we’ll be sitting on soft pillows, wearing our shimmering metallic robes, drinking our soothing space tea, and perhaps one of us will reach for a piece of cheese housed in an ancient device known as a mousetrap, and the mousetrap will snap on the person’s finger, and he’ll let out a yowl of pain, and the rest of us won’t spit the tea out of our mouths but will just stare blankly?
  ~ Jack Handey
%