You said to me once: "I Will Never be able to Forget your memories, and
Is that Really TRUE???!
I'm Stopping Everything to try to get this domain... Because I DON'T Know what else to Do? U+1F62D You Can never Truly give up on someone you Love!! What happens is: You give up on Yourself... U+1F62D It looks to an outside observer like the same thing. But really, at the quantum level. The Love & Connection is still there! It Never dies! Only people's Shadow Selves wear different Faces, and that, the EGO Tries to control you... and convince you that you Cannot Possibly LOVE that person!
So,
here's me... back where We started. back at cammygolf4.....
If you're wondering why this seem very robotic? I composed it in avanced. So that I could make these recordings actually be something that's Useful to you! and not a jumbled mess of typos, changes, and edits. If you truly wanted to be a Librarian in this life? And are a Avid Reader?? My goal in life was to be a perfectionist (Despite how imperfect I am, Hey! I KNO) I hope you can forgive me for this? And understand why I need to do this... If you're interested?! Here are the Originals that this was compiled from: I hope you can Forgive me for having to have this Layer? But I don't feel confident while I'm doing this. My fear mind Can only think of all the ways in which you're Judging me??! While i'm doing that.. Or that you really DO hate me? ='-( And I don't want you to see how emotional this is for me, or all the mistakes, i'm making along the way! U+1F62D
I anything I recorded does have my commentary... and I cut it out: I'm Sorry, but that is the moments that are the most Difficult of all... Having That out there will just be more energy that, the dark aspects / selves / shadows Of People In Your Life can use to siphon off for me... And when they do I Always FEEL it. Quantumly. A level below my Rational minds ability to understand. And
I usually compose these in about 5,000 words at a time. Then I take a break. I'm not trying to shoot for an exact lenght? I just want to "get it all out there!" As much as I can remember?? about "us". and then try to take a break. and do this Once each day.
By the way, I don't type on a normal keyboard like you do... I use something called Workman. which I've been using since 2011.
If you're really in there? Who I've always thought you are? Than this doesn't matter at all... I don't know why I'm so afraid of you. But the Truth is: I'm REALLY Really afraid of myself! and I Project that on YOU: and if I can ever get over that?? Maybe this filter won't be needed anymore. I'm Sorry Again! And it's Mee, not you.
If you're curious: Here are the actual
This is Real. you know? Do you trust me? and Honestly I'm trying to be my authentic self, for once in our lives!? :-)
I Really DON'T Hate you! I really just hate myself.... U+1F62D
I'm trying to do Fasting right now... and regularly, and a whole bunch of other major Changes in Life. I Hope you can understand? This has not been easy. https://www.google.com/search?q=unicode+emoji+holding+back+tears
I'm trying to Document this for you, so you can see I'm trying to change... as I know you are too. And you have changed SO much...
For the Longest time I just HATED Myself! I Doubted Myself too. And I Didn't think I would ever be Strong enough to ever forgive you & try to communicate again???
Really meant all the good things I said. I Truly did NOT mean all the bad things I sad. But I let all my worst fears come true. And I took that out on you.... It was all Me! and I'm SORRY! U+1F62DU+1F62DU+1F62D
I'm Sorry for Everything!
I'll Try to tell you it, the best I remember it. I don't have perfect memory, And it may be hard to get the words right? But this is Our True Story, what Really Happened. All of it...
I'm Sorry that I never actually Trusted You! Enough to be Honest to you before. And I would let my Ego talk instead... Your Child's Father HATES me Chillah! He's hated me since before I even met him. U+1F62D And I hope you can see why I would think that? I Don't remember exactly everything. But i'm going to go by my best memories & interpretations of what actually happened. This requires me Rereading & Reliving lite
Consider this a Journal if you will. But it's being written in the present about the past, as if we're going back in a time machine.
I Didn't know how to let go of what happened?... When you were with Matthew Restivo. and I think that was TRUE for us both? just judging by everything I've seen you do, too. I've always always felt that... I Felt your Pain. I felt how much I hurt you.
When I said that "I Love You!" When you were in a plane on the Runway in New Orleans, about to to take off and Depart for the Phillippines! For your Cousin (Jovie?'s) wedding. I Said only one sentence that was Difficult for me. But I Really Meant it! I meant it as much now :-) as i did then! Only we're alot older now! and hopefully wiser!! :-| And I'm Sorry it's been been SO long!! 13 Years. And I'm Sorry you're only just now getting the Truth from me. ='(
It's the TIME That hurts! Memories themselves, are always pleasant, because they reveal deeper truths - Once I have the Strength to see through OUR Shells! that you put up, & *I Put up!! And I'm sorry that we did that to each other.
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